Quantum John Ram

Sixteenth

2012-02-16T22:11:00.000-08:00

Babe,

I can't wait to come home to you and just tell you how my day went and just talk. I was out of sync today. I just keep forgetting things. Even with my to-do list, I'm just not all there today. Yesterday's problems still bother me a little bit. I've given it all to God. And as much as I don't want to bring Him up, God's my only hope. I am losing it. I would be doing ungodly things right now. Just having that thought makes me grinch. I am sinning for feeling this way. It's annoying. I don't want to feel like this. I'm just lonely. Man, I love God, so much that I am willing to lose it all. If you, my love, have to walk away from me... I'm not sure what I'd do. I know that I shouldn't be attaching myself to this world, I'm here to fellowship with other Christians and share God's love and truth to those who aren't save. I am in this conundrum. I want those men and women who knows God to grow closer to Him, not be just on the surface. I crave for more. I just want to see people liberated of this world and what it's been telling us. I am on my knees almost everyday just crying out to God. Take away my desires of this world.

We're a team. You and me. Team Ram! Yeeee! You are always on my prayers. We can be on our knees together praying to our God. That would be a dream come true for me. I'm excited for what's ahead. I'm blocking my negative emotions right now with constant prayer, exercise, and talking to my dog Iggy. I'm also keeping myself busy making the moneys to start saving up for your shopping money. Hopefully, you're not too crazy over material stuff. We'll live comfortable with some style and spank. I'll leave it at that.

Love, John

15th

2012-02-15T17:44:00.000-08:00

Hi

We're at the middle point of this project. I am lonely. Life's great, today started really well for me and then there was a moment this afternoon when I felt like my heart stopped for a good hour. I do not like weeping. Life's full of trials. I know this for a fact. I work hard to capture the flag just to know that the flag is not there. Story of my life: become uber passionate about something, and my passion would turn back to me and say you may no longer continue. It's frustrating. I have to be honest that I wasn't happy with God. I wasn't using Him to get what I want. My intentions was to do His commandments. My emotions got to me and won. The world has won me over, again. I am imperfect and with that comes a lot of sin. I have to stories: one good, and one bad. I'll start w/ the ache inside of me.

Honey. I love you. I love Jesus too. I want to share Jesus to you everyday. I want to share Jesus to everyone everyday, to you especially. I'm in a position right now where I want to get settled. I'm all over the place at the moment. There is truth to this. I have a lot going on and I'm to balance it. Key word there was "I". God's the center of all of these. Even when my heart feels like it shreds a layer each day. I'm still going to be loving on our God. I can only love people so much. And I must learn to respect them when they say "no" to an act of service. Which is a love language. It's the worse feeling to be so engaged in something so important to me and someone else would have more of an authority to veto something that doesn't even hurt or affect them in a negative way. It affects me more, perhaps because I let this world got to me and my desire for something overcame my desire for God. So as I'm writing this. I'm confined with that idea. I'm not keen on changing people. All I do is influence others in a way in which Jesus' influence me. However, I am only human. I can be stubborn and arrogant. I'm persistent and pushy sometimes. I'm not acting in violence or in hatred. I just become very sad and aggravated when the red light come on and perhaps it was too late for me to hit the breaks and my front tires pass the white line and I get a ticket that cost more than the grammy's production and I have to finish 29990 hours of traffic school. Life's never fair, and I know that. I love you, and I am just thankful daily that you're here for me.

To the good portion of my day. I read and meditated this morning by the beach on a cloudy day. The picture above was taken by my friend who was there while I was. I was waiting to meet someone special today and spend some good quality time catching up. Just had an amazing time watching God move the ocean and the clouds, not to mention the beauty inside and out of my friend. Things were great. I woke up early, worked for a bit, and got some great conversations that only happens in rare occasions. I'm learning every minute of my life. My brain needs to stop thinking, and my heart needs to stop loving the idea of loving. I am weird, and I know this. I'm okay with that. I know that you're okay with that.

Thanks for listening, John

14th

2012-02-14T00:51:00.000-08:00

My Valentine,

I love you! I don't want to make this super crazy special. You know that everyday, in our life together, from now on, is going to be a valentines day. If I may, I would want to have fresh flowers every morning and fresh fruits for breakfast for you. I would pick them all out from our garden. I will be dedicated to this even on my off days. You are the sun to my life, the source of my energy. The one who cares, and makes me happy because you're so pretty.

Happy Valentines Day! I want you to know that I love you forever and that my love for you will never leave. The devil can not separate us. He can try. He won't win. God is with us. We are going to keep our love for God forever, and our love for each other until we die. It's going to be a wild and crazy ride. I'm in it for you to win it.

We are going to keep His commandments. We are going to keep our vows until the end. I am excited for our many Valentines together. I'm going to keep this short since time is against me at the moment. You are loved so much by yours truly. I just want to give you everything that is me.

John 14:21-24 Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him.” Judas (not Iscariot) said to him, “Lord, how is it that you will manifest yourself to us, and not to the world?” Jesus answered him, “If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. Whoever does not love me does not keep my words. And the word that you hear is not mine but the Father’s who sent me.

<3 John

13th

2012-02-13T23:26:00.000-08:00

Huny Bunny!

Hello! Tomorrow's Vday. I have a big date with my mom. I'm semi excited since I haven't taken her out in a while. I'm taking her out to Admiral Risty. It should be good. Today's been great. I woke up rode my bike to work. I got an email saying that this company aerotek wants to do a second interview on the phone this Wednesday. We'll see how it goes. So I was reading the word this morning and thought about how it's Valentines week and all. I just wanted to share this verse and just really meditate on it.

Mark 12:28-30 And one of the scribes came up and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, asked him, “Which commandment is the most important of all?” Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’

Oh boy! We are one. You and me, together. We are going to love the Lord our God with all our heart, and with all our soul, and with all our mind and with all our strength. You and I will be together with God. That's the plan.

I check out the dates for the GRE's and MCAT's today to see what would work out for me. I need to register soon and I'm trying to get a more realistic time when I can be ready to take either one. I also talked to my chief today about school, work, mission, and the future. She told me that I'm great, and that I'll excel tremendously at whatever I decide to do. And that I should get my ms, or doctorate, so that I can take over her job as the head of the research and development emphasis in pathology at the hospital. We're not really close and we don't talk much, I just exchange notes and email each other a lot. So for her to tell me these things is pretty rockin. I want to make you proud hunny bun! I'm doing my best of being joyful in the Lord while dealing with microscopes, lab reports, and cells.

confession time... I had to pause and come back tonight to finish this entry. I didn't had a window to sit down and type you a love letter today. I love you!

Love, John

12th

2012-02-12T22:25:00.000-08:00

Sweet Honey Pie!

Hi! I don't know where to begin. Whitney Houston died. So sad... I want to quote her right now: And I will alwayssss LOVEEEE YOU!! It's also the grammy's tonight. So there's a lot happening. Church is always exciting! I love our God! I cried a little bit at church today. I just need God. That's it. I don't even know if you exist. I know God exist. That's all I need. I love Him so much. He keeps me going. And hopefully to you, one day. I almost couldn't be able to write to you today. That would be sad. There's been a lot going on. I won't make an excuse. I'm writing now.

Trying to do my finances today. I also tried to assess my options for the future. I really want a house. Where we can start a family. I love you! I'm applying to a handful of school to continue my education. Also seeking a new career path. So that I can thyde more give you more shopping money. Then this verse came to my mind.

Matthew 6:24-25 ”No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money. “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

I'm not worried. I tend to be anxious. I'm actually more excited. I won't be alone. I have you. We can do this. I will provide, secure, and protect. Right now I'm just getting ready for you. My focus is on God right now. Then comes myself, because I am yours. Either being in the missions field, or an employee somewhere, or an entrepreneur. Or all of the above. I get down and ill, it's okay. God's grace has given me the drive to survive. I know that you are present. I know that you are going to be my biggest advocate. I want you to be happy. I love you!

Love, John!

Eleventh

2012-02-11T09:39:00.000-08:00

Best Fren!

I had an amazing night last night even though I haven't fixed my car yet. I had a meeting with a jeweler. You are going to be a little be excited that our future together will be fruitful and you'll be thankful for the sparkles. I don't really understand how women are in love with jewelry and how they like to show it off. I sat down for 3 hours assessing these auctions. I can't wait to give you a gift that's going to blow your mind. The prices for these things are ridiculous, but with my newly acquired friend who's a veteran with jewelry. I think I know where to go from now on. And I'm sure that you'll meet her.

A month from today, I turn 28. I am excited! My life has been beautiful and you being a part of it makes it just more brighter than it is. I want to live to a hundred and see our great grand kids do a fish grab-nose lift-360 using forklifts. I can just see that happening since we're already doing snow mobile tricks these days. I don't know how old you are at this moment you reading these letters. I just know that I love you until you die. I want to die with you when that day comes. If you go to heaven first, I will always look at your photographs and listen to your voice over and over, until I come meet you in heaven. I can't wait to spend eternity with God, and with you in heaven one day.

So there's a passage in the bible that I wanted to share this time. It talks about loving your enemies and how we must be perfect as our heavenly Father is perfect.

Matthew 5:43-48 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

God! You're beautiful! Your love for God is remarkably unspoken. I can't even describe it because God is glorified in your beauty. Thank you for being my best fren. That we can grow old together in whatever circumstances we discover along this journey. It's all about God, and loving Him. Then comes follows loving you and others. And then comes loving our enemies and loving all creation. In that order, we will be able to live a life that's fruitful and joyful all the time. Even in the midst of this imperfect world, we will persevere and take courage to fight. I will lead you to this battle against the flesh and against satan. God is with us! He's in you, in me, and in us together! It's soooo good!

xoxo, John

Tenth

2012-02-10T09:08:00.000-08:00

My Love,

Ten Days. I love you, and will always will. I had my check up yesterday. My heart is intermittent. It's irregular. I haven't been feeling well lately. My whole body feels regular, my heart's just not acting up normal. It's okay. I strive to live for God, and one day with you. I live to love God, and everybody. "Love is from God and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God" -1 John 4:7. I just want to love you and see you happy. It's less of me, and more of you. And there's always plenty of Jesus!!

Yesterday was just a poop of a day. Its okay. There will be days like that. I know that when you and I, together, everything is better. You can be stressful sometimes, but also can be my stress reliever. God knows our hearts. My heart's already irregular. He knows every strange beat that my heart makes. I am and will be taking care of myself. I want you to know that I am yours and that I will do whatever it takes to make you feel safe, secure, and cared for. You are my sunshine!

I woke up this morning with some positive energy. Instead of me, just trying to figure out this journey. I'm just going to take it. You and I will be joining each other to a lot of travels and adventures. I want you to know that I support wherever you go, and that I would want you to come with me wherever I go. Together, we can follow Christ! :)

Take care, John

9th

2012-02-09T06:07:00.000-08:00

To my wife,

Hello! I have my health check up today. I am nervous. My heart hasn't been acting well lately. God's been challenging me a lot lately. I pray that whatever challenges that God puts in front of us, we can peacefully go through it together. I was literally in tears last night just in so much pain emotionally and physically. I know that I can cry in front of you. I just want to say "hi" and I love you.

1 Peter 1:22 Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly/sisterly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart,

My heart is broken daily with my own struggles, perhaps of my selfish desires. Let God's will be done. Not mine. I only want people to be happy. And often times my happiness depends on what makes others happy and comfortable. I want a pure heart that serves God and others. Who am I to desire things for my own good. As much as I want to take care of myself, I want to take care of you, my love. I care too much that it hurts sometimes. The world isn't perfect, we're not perfect and I know that we're going to have struggles and often times things won't go our way. I believe that if we focus on God, and continue loving one another we will be filled with joy in this world that demands a comfortable life to be happy. I love you, and I will do consistently love you even in the good and bad days.

Love, John

8th

2012-02-08T07:18:00.000-08:00

My Darling,

Good morning! I read Ephesians 4 this morning and verse 2 really got my attention. "humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love". My love for you is humble and gentle. I want to be more patient about it. I will bear with you till the end. My love, this is going to be an exciting adventure. You, Me, God.

I had a fun experience last night chatting w/ a female student who's given up in life and given up w/ God. I pray that you're good with kids. Especially with your women. I do not understand them sometimes. I tried to share the truth with her. She didn't want to listen. She's fine. I just hope and pray that she comes back to her senses and believe that Jesus is the only truth, the way, the light.

You make me happy! There's so much going on around us. I know that at the end of everyday, I can always come to you. We can come to Christ together. I would like that!

Love, John

7th

2012-02-07T07:23:00.000-08:00

Hi

I hope you're doing well. Seventh day of writing to you. I don't even know if you exist. I pray that I get the energy to be committed to this challenge. This week has been little bit intense for me. With taxes, health checks, works, job apps, valentines, family, etc. We live in this world where everyone is constantly doing something. I want to share everything with you. We have our lives to be in each other's arms. I want you to feel free when you're with me. Not to use it as an opportunity of the flesh, but through love, we can serve each other. That's found in Galatians 5:13. :)

I love you! Can we just serve each other all the time and serve God above all things? Amen! I do not doubt my own self that if I have to do the dishes, clean the bathroom, put gas in your car, walk the dog, etc. I will gladly do you favors because there's that fire inside of me that just keeps me going, and that is you. You inspire me to aim high, work hard, and be classy all at once.

Time to get to a meeting. There will be plenty of these in the future. I can't wait to tell you all about it one day.

Sincerely, John

6th

2012-02-06T10:40:00.000-08:00

Honey!

It's National froyo day. This makes me happy. Who doesn't like froyo? I will get you a gallon of froyo when this day comes again, each year that I am with you.

I found this quote on this movie, The Notebook. I'm sure you know about it.

"That's what we do, we fight! You tell me when I'm being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you're being a pain in the ass, which you are 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate and your back doing the next pain in the ass thing. So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard and we're gonna have to work at this everyday. But I wanna do that because I want you, I want all of you, forever, you and me, everyday." - Noah

Relationships aren't easy. There's plenty of stumbling blocks along the way. I want to go through all of that with you. I want to to love you forever and ever. We're going to have bills, mopey days, sick days, unlikable people, disasters, accidents, etc. The way we handle things would shape our future.

Romans 13:8 Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.

The only real law that we should follow is LOVE. Everything else falls in that category. You are my love. Have a blessed day. Thank you Lord for everything! ie. froyo! :)

Love, John

5th

2012-02-05T08:17:00.000-08:00

My love,

I am extremely tired. It's Sunday morning, and it's time for some superbowl this afternoon. I just cooked for 30 people last night. I am a good cook, and you love me because I cook well. lol. I will cook for you everyday is possible. I won't be lazy about it. I'd be happy to be serving you! You my best fren'!

We're children of God! We're so blessed with so many gifts and talents. You are amazing at what you do! I believe in you! God loves us so much that He calls us His children. He made the universe. He made everything. He made you beautiful and lovely! I love you so much that I want to call you my wife. And we can glorify God and serve Him to our maximum capacity. He is our father in heaven. You and I can be partners in worshiping Him forever. Wouldn't that be exciting? I'm excited to be thinking about it. I'm excited worshipping Him alone, imagine having someone forever worshiping Him. Ah, majestic!!

I have to go to church. I'm excited! I love you!

John

4th

2012-02-04T08:07:00.000-08:00

Hello Darling!

It's Saturday morning! I just want to make you breakfast! Because I love you! And because I want to serve you breakfast. If possible; I'd pick flowers to go with those pancakes, eggs, bacon, and sausage. In our little house somewhere. I cannot even fathom how awesome it'd be like to be waking up right next to you. Wonderful!

God serves me breakfast by the glory of the sun just giving light to the morning. When that sun hits your face, I see an angel. "We were both crucified in Christ It is no longer I, or us who live, but Christ who lives in us. And the life we now live in the flesh we live by faith in the Son of God who loved us and gave His life for us." -Gal 2:20. Boom! I want my darling to be living in Christ ready to take on her day with a smile on her face. That would be my prayer daily.

I'm semi hosting a birthday tonight for a friend's bday party. She's kind of like that big sister that I never had. I'm cooking for all her guest, about 30+ people. I'm making 'brenner'. I can be you chef and you can be my guest at our own house. We can cook together! Food made with love is the best food there is! nom nom nom!

Love, John

3rd

2012-02-03T07:26:00.000-08:00

My Dear,

I go back to Los Angeles today. I am sick. My nose is like a faucet. I woke up this morning sore and cold. I think I have a fever. Also, my left pinkie, I think is sprained. It looks funny. I'm sitting in my hotel room waiting for the sun to rise up. Then I wonder how this experience would be like with you by my side?! To be waking up by you every single day of my life. Super rad!

Before I love you, I love God. God loves you and I. We are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Nothing in all creation will separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Words from Romans 8:37...39. Nothing can separate us. I am praying right now that our lives will be one with God, and one with each other. I will love you forever until I die. That's the point of being one in Christ. Jesus died for us, and now He lives in us.

I don't feel very well. I think I'm sick. Great. For sickness and in health we shall be together.

Love, John

2nd

2012-02-02T06:26:00.000-08:00

My Dearest,

Hi! Good morning! I am at Winter Park, in Colorado! About to go skiing! I want to share a passage with you today in the book of Romans 5:8 "but God show His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us". That is wickedly amazing! You're amazing! God's amazing! We're all amazing!

While I don't know why I'm writing this is bizarre. And one day you'll be reading these letters and be laughing that I made a goofball out of myself. I will die for you any day. If I could love you like God is to the church, that is my goal for my life with you.

I was here for business and yesterdays' interviews were just great. I'm not sure where we'd be living by now because I'm applying in other states and maybe even in other countries for a new job. I still dream of starting up my own. This is a good stepping stone for that vision, for now. I've gone through a lot in my careers and I value you more than my jobs. By now, you know that I'm a busy body. I love being active and being able to share my activities with you. You inspire every decision that I make. You make me smile when things aren't alright. You light up any room that you're in. To see your beauty is enough for me to strive to provide, to protect, and to care for you.

I and LOVE and YOU

1st

2012-02-01T06:32:00.000-08:00

Dearly Beloved,

Hi! I love you! I don't know how you'd feel about this, but I'm writing this to you before even knowing that I get to spend my entire life by you. It's the beginning of February, year 2012. I am currently in Denver, Colorado. I'm here for some job interviews, and skiing. Also wanted to escape LA, and do something super spontaneous. I have an interview at Aerotek today at 9 and then a lunch interview with Leprino foods. Both positions are mainly in the research field. By now, I'm probably working at either or neither.

(This is harder than it is)

This is my first letter, so bare with me.

My love, thank you. Thank you for everything. The love, the joy, the hope, the life we will live. I get to praise Jesus with you when we wake up, and thank Him before we go to bed forever. That itself is a gift. You are a gift. I am blessed. Thank you!

God loved the world that He gave His only son Jesus. He loves me. He loves you. He loves everybody. He gave me you. He loves us both that we have Him and be waiting for Him to come again. :)

"Life without you is like facebook without friends, youtube without videos, and Google without results".

Valentines Project

2012-01-31T22:57:00.000-08:00

To start off the month of February. I think I'm going to write my "future wife" a love letter for the entire month of February 2012. I am single at the moment. I dream of having a family one day. That dream starts with me. The wife has to be pursued daily. I want to write a story line. My ambition in life is to not make my life boring. Like to dream of having the next best car, or get a high earning job, or have the same days every day. Let's make this interesting.

Let's make this interesting. In these letters there's character. First, there'd be a character, ME! Then the character would want something ie. Jesus, her, ice cream, a house, etc. Then the character has to over an enormous amount of conflict in order to get whatever they want. Then they get it! That's it. That's the recipe to a good story. I can write these letter, but I have to live it out when the time comes.

The things people 'like' these days are boring, shallow, and plain. I want to focus on sacrifice, risk, commitment, and love. I want something to happen and envision it. Time to take control of my life and make it more interesting and meaningful. I'm going to live it as a story. The conflicts that I face isn't something that I dread, it's something I welcome. Relationships has unlimited amounts of hills to climb and joy to dive to. I want to love my "future wife" to the best of my ability. God doesn't want us to be alone. He is always present in our lives even when life is too much to handle. I don't want to be alone in my golden age. I am content to be single for now.

So in the next 29 days.. I will be writing a story, a love story to my surely be wonderful future wife. I don't know who she is, perhaps she knows who I am. Perhaps I already know her. God only knows. I am just in great awe that God made men a companion in a woman. He doesn't want us to be alone. Everyday's a ministry. Leggo!

Discombobulated

2012-01-27T07:17:00.000-08:00

Pray. I pray.
Give. I give.
Praise. I worship.
Apologize. I'm sorry.
Surrender. I persist.
Live. I breathe.

This first month of 2012 has been interesting. Faithful, I have been. Patience, I'm praying. God's challenging me a lot in different ways: in health, in wealth, in goodness, and bad. This year's goals are beyond ahead of schedule. Which I think is good. I keep trying to understand certain things for over three weeks now. I try to find answers through the word. The word only explains what the world offers, and that "He who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world"-1 John 4:4. Therefore, I am completely in "ME and HIM" mode the past few weeks. Keeping the fire that is burning inside of me. The need/want of what the world is yelling at me is a fairy tale of a story. I awareness of true love encompasses Jesus. And I am at His service and to all His people.

Not to be rude or anything. I want to see people know Him. I want people to grow in Him. I want people to live a life full of Him. My selfish desires can be replaced by the thought of how can I become a better man for Him. If that's going to involve moving somewhere, or working at a new place, or buying a house, or pursuing a woman, or going back to school, or taking tango lessons, etc. I will. My heart is fixed on Him. But the world keeps rattling it. It's already literally unstable, and it hasn't been feeling great lately. I do what I do, but I feel is not what I want to feel. I know what I know, and I only know what my five senses pick up. To be reading beyond the society, culture, and lifestyle is beyond me. I understand the general idea, but each individual is different. I say what I say because I am concern. I like to challenge myself and others with truth and love. How can I be a cynical man in someone's point of view if they won't even welcome the true me.

Everything is seen from the outside. Men and women are easily deceived by actions, attitude, and assets. What happened to perseverance, character, and hope? This is why I love going to places such as rescue mission places, and rehab places where they offer people a new beginning. They're there getting clean, getting God's word, and understanding that what really matter is their character and not what the world throws at them. Anybody can make their own choice, but in the end if what you want comes true or not. The reality of how God really views that is by the reaction to His will. Let His will be done.. Yes! Even when things are super difficult and I am getting closer and closer to my death. To Him be the glory. Or when things are full of satisfaction. The right things are just flowing accordingly to what we want and what makes us happy, to Him be the glory.

It sounds like I'm obsesses with my god. Well, I kind of am. He is first, and I am second. All the science, business, and recreation that's consuming my daily life is just a subdivision of my life. The main point of my life is to be following Jesus. Things get me side tracked. My own wants, and my own dreams get in the way of my walk with Jesus. I get too focused on me rather than be focusing on Him. I'm too concerned for my own reputation, but that doesn't really matter. All these false teachings, and feel good temporary psychic techniques can work for now, but only Jesus really heals. I pray all the time even when my heart won't stop beating rapidly. I want to leave a legacy. I don't want to live a life thinking what would it be like with the "if's. I am often lost, I feel like that's part of following the shepherd. I'm just a sheep amongst sheep. I believe that my heart will come in peace w/ my mind. Always be praying. Yes. :)

Interaction is a Need

2012-01-12T23:26:00.000-08:00

The way things work shouldn't be complicated. One acts, one reacts. Energy stored, energy transfered. There are times when nothing is really working. No reaction, no energy transfer, no response. Usually, there's a reason behind everything. God had a reason why he created things, destroy things, renew things, and resolve things. He desired to share life with others. As men and women of Christ, we desire relationships with each other. Unfortunately sometime we desire relationships from others first before we do with God. Only if we desire God first and more than anything else. Then the rest will just flow like honey. The more we get closer to Him, the more life becomes joyful and worth living. In any way, shape, or form life just becomes more full. It's not a "just" but it's Jesus who makes life worth every second of it.
Humans crave relationship. As soon as we say a word to someone, there's a relationship built from a "hi, how are you?" to a nod acknowledging them. Out bodies are like ships. When we see another ship in the open seas, we see them on our radars. We know they're there. Some we chose to radio, some we pass by. Some we become attached too, some you run away from, and some we sink. This wide array of water is overseen by God. He created all things and He sees over and under everything. People have a certain way of addressing people. It does say in the bible in Luke chapter 6, to do to others what you want to be done to you. If that golden rule is applied to everyone on this earth, then maybe this earth wouldn't be so wrecked. I just want to love w/o expecting anything back. I just want to give w/o questioning. I just want to laugh out of nothing. I just want to give you a hug because you breathe. Men and women have existed this long, so something is working. However, I'm guessing over 70% of this world is broken. Most of it has to do with relationships. Either parents, family, friend, co-worker, spouse, kid, girlfriend, boyfriend, acquaintance, lab partner, teacher, mayor, waiter, etc. we're all connected by a web of people. We live because of people. Imagine if we live because of Jesus. People, whether they make you happy or not, we'd still love them no matter what.
Those who don't believe still lives and needs relationships from fellow humans for a reason. Whether it'd be themselves, some other god, or a thing. The human brain shuts down without people around it. We're wired to talk, think, and feel. Even if you get stuck on an island alone for months. You will either lose your mind or make something your imaginary friend and talk to them even if they don't talk back. For example: "Wilsom" from Cast away. It kept Chuck, Tom Hanks, sane as he tries to survive in this dessert island. What kept him from living was his will and love for the woman of his life. Kelly, played by Helen Hunt. In that locket was her picture. It gave him courage, will power, and strength to continue life. It wasn't easy, but he survive in that island. I know, it's a film, but people in this world actually have experienced being alone for a long period of time. Alone, being stuck in an island, in a building, an elevator, the jungle, etc. I can't even imagine that feeling. The fact that I can always look up in the sky and talk to God is great, but to not have anybody to talk too, think about, and feel for a long period of time is an unhappy place to be. Therefore, we live with for God, and with people.

Mama! Happy Birthday to you!

2012-01-06T00:48:00.000-08:00

Happy Bithday Mama!

On the 4th of January back in 1961, my beloved mother, Grace was born. Love her tons!

Christmas & New Year 2012

2012-01-03T07:52:00.000-08:00

Christmas Joy!

I was in Utah for a few days before Christmas and got back into town on the eve of Christmas. Interestingly enough after a 10 hour drive back to Los Angeles, I had enough energy to sing with the choir and attend the Christmas eve service. I wanted to go to church for Christmas. There wasn't any certainty of how long my uncle and his family wanted to stay in Cedar City, Utah. However I really wanted to go skiing in Utah and try out the snow mobiles. Sooo good! I was also a little sick and sad that week, but I'm okay now.

Christmas day was fun! I took my room mate to the airport at 430am. Watched the sun rise from the east and was over joyed that Jesus is born! I was just happy. Reasons only God can explain. There wasn't really anything exciting going on for me for Christmas. I just was greeting everyone a Merry Christmas. I called those whom I really really wanted to talk to and I went to go visit my mom and her family for lunch. It was mellow. I wasn't really expecting any presents. Just to see people happy was wonderful to me. I wrapped, bagged, and ordered most of my beloved presents and most of them were already received. I went home after spending time with my family and the Lakers loosing their season opener. Spent time with Iggy, and napped. That was my Christmas. It was merry! I had joy and peace in my heart.

The week between Christmas and New Years is like heaven week. Worked for two days and then spent the rest of the week enjoying my time with people and friends. I made the most of that week. I think I had breakfast, lunch, and dinner with people everyday that week. Such a good week of just relaxing, eating, and adventuring! I pretty much hung out with students 80% of the time. It's been real. I tried having a plan, but things doesn't usually work out. Its okay. In anything that I do, do it with joy! Yes, Philippians 4.

New Years Eve!

Yes! Party! Fun! Saying toodles to 2011 was about as fun as peeling a tangerine. I love 2011, there's definitely moments of extreme gladness and times of conflicts. It was a learning year. A year of great risk, great results, and great failures. I must say that I've learned a lot from last year. Always learning... It's so good. NYE was spent partying with my best frens! I am very blessed to have frens with the same morals and values. NYE has always been a time of year where I go monkeys. We're changing. I know, I'm changing. I'm getting older. I'm feeling wiser and more mature. I feel like I should be a dad. I am one to about 90 jr highers. lol... I know that's weird, but I feel like I'm 50 or something. It's a good feeling. I still rock the house with some party rockin. 2011 was a gateway from being a young adult, to an adult. It's good. It's all temporary, God's smiling at me. I know He is. :)

2012 will be interesting. Great things are still to come! Greater things are still to be done in this city!! There are no such things as resolutions. There are goals and to-do list for 2012, but life could throw me a coconut and totally can catch me off guard like it did last year. I learned my lesson from that. This world is so interesting and fun. It's not a game, but it can be competitive. Just with work, relationships, and mission. I can't control this world and the people in this world, but I can always adjust and adapt to it. God is with us. There's this fortune cookie that I saw once that says 'men do not fail... they give up trying. I'm the kind of man that doesn't really give up. It's 95% mental. So here it goes... things that would be nice to have accomplished by 2012.

-Read the whole bible again
-Reconnect with my dad
-Bring family to jof
-Talk missions to the missional pastor of jof
-Teach a class at church
-Change careers
-Take steps to start a non profit
-Get rid of my heart problem
-Write a book
-Give up donuts
-To not chew with my mouth open
-Fitness and healthy living
-Take dancing again
-Cook more
- Shop less
-Drive less
- Say "i love you" to my momma
- See my sister finish college
- Surfing again
- Pursue a beautiful woman of God
- Pier to pier
- Alcatraz, maybe
- Less cocky, more humility
- See more kids and adults saved
- Get published in a science journal
- Plant my own garden
- Iggy, learn a new trick
- Encourage more & be positive
- Take steps on build a house project
- Take care of myself more
- Become more open and inviting
-...... more that God has planned for me this year. :)

Deer Crossing

2011-12-21T06:50:00.000-08:00

I'm confused. I don't exactly know what I did wrong. I know I may have caused something to pinch a nerve or two, but to make a sudden decision to end something special.. It was like a surprise deer crossing the street as I'm driving 45mph on a cloudy evening and bam! Where did that come from? I don't even know where to begin to think about it. I care about this drive. God was driving this vehicle. Perhaps I've been a little bit of a back seat driver and the companion along side of me had enough of it? I don't know. It seems like I got a little obnoxious. I was really enjoying the drive. And I know it's never going to be smooth, but just like that.. She ends it over gchat with no hesitation, no emotion, no consideration...
I honestly don't know what to think right now. I've been asking the driver (Jesus), all these questions. What just happened? How am I so broken about it? I trust that You'll lead me somewhere, but where to? I love you Lord, you are on the driver seat in my vehicle. Did my companion just decided she wants out? I know that my God is the driver of her automobile as well, but did she not want to go on this adventure with me anymore? Is she changing her route, and her journey? I think I'm lost. I know that my road's been an uphill drive, and a bumpy one as well. The weather often changes as well and it really is a staggering drive, but I believe it's going to be well. God's driving, I'm listening to what He tells me. I felt good about having someone to go through this journey and then she just decided to end it? What? Now what?
It hasn't been easy. It's only been less than 48 hours. I'm still trying to be positive about this. I know that God's on our side. She's happy. I'm happy. I'll respect that. I just hit a deer. There she goes ~toodles.. I'm trying to understand. Maybe I don't need to understand. I care too much. She's too precious. She's like the cheese to my macaroni. She's like the lemon to my water. She's the jelly and I was the peanut butter. God was the whole grain wheat bread that was keeping us together. I was snarky... I was snotty? I am who I am, and nothing good came out of that... I'm learning here... The books and journals didn't help me at all. Experiencing a real deer crossing out of no where got me in this dump of phlegm and sore throat. God, you're good. I know you are! You are boiling me, the macaroni, in hot water and there's no cheese waiting anymore. You are cooling me in the refrigerator as water, and there's no lemon to flavor me. A peanut butter sandwich is still amazing, but pbj just taste so much better. Maybe I have to become the best peanut butter? Maybe I have to swell more as a macaroni? Maybe I have to be chilled first to have some lemon zest? Honesty? I'm not OK... I know I'm stubborn. God, you're still driving, but I'm not ready to lose this one yet. I'll just keep bugging you about it, and I know that you're okay about that because you are my father in heaven and I'm your stubborn son. I'm always going to try and take the wheel, and you always win. You win God. Your love for me, for her, and for everyone else. Even if I don't win her, I know that I'm in you and that I will see her in heaven and there will be no more deers and no more bumpy roads. Stampede! We don't even need a car in heaven. Because I won't need anything else.
Assessing this madness, I have not been stable. My health has been at a funk. High blood pressure at it's finest. My work performance has been slow and poor. Dishes hasn't been washed. Sleep has not come easy. I've been trying to be busy and jolly. It seems to be working, except at the end of the day when I pray it goes the other way and God tells me to focus on the bigger prize. And I keep making excuses... She's beautiful, she's pretty, she makes me smile, she makes ministry whimsy, she pushes me to become a better man of God, she's my biggest advocate, she's ambitious, she's got humor, she loves kids, she understands me, she's a good listener, she's a planner, she wants to know me, she cares, she's generous & thoughtful, she's sweet & she likes sweets, she's mature with a bit of childish, she's a visionary, she's a dreamer and a trader, she's a wonderful daughter to her parents, she's a good influence to her friends, she loves fitness, she craves growth in Christ, and she loves our Lord a lot... I don't know. I'm not wise enough to figure what's next. I read almost a whole book by Joyce Meyer in a week, and I still don't know. There's definitely positivity in my way of thinking, but it just can't come from me. I can try, try, and try... and if she just keeps on yield, yield, stop... then that's that. I haven't really fully tried yet. The deer already came out before I begin to really change gears. I can't make any assumptions, guesses, or even over think this one. It came from her, over Gchat...She doesn't want to continue this journey. OK... A nice lovely in person conversation would be nice. A more direct thorough reasoning would be good. I don't want to keep defending myself. I'm always going to be guilty, I have faults. I have flaws. I don't have everything. I can keep going on what sappy thoughts I come up with, it's just "words" according to her... And it could mean nothing at all. I can keep writing and I will. Since I can't tell anyone else, I'll just write it on here. Whoever reads this can have an idea how much I care about this woman.
Christmas is just around the corner. I actually have a list or planned a gift for her. I don't know if it can wait, it won't be a waste. That's a whole different entry. On the bright side, I am still thankful for everything. Christmas parties, white elephants, dress up parties, Fooooood, good company, happy people, coooookies, presentssss, snow, skiii, Christmas movies, etc. I still get up every morning with a lot of head ache and stuff coming out of my nose and else where. I put on my jacket and drive to wherever work I'm doing and put on this pleasant face and be Merry. I say "merry christmas" to pretty much anybody I come around to. I love my tea and I cry every time I watch Marley & Me. I don't want to be really dramatic about it. I like her. I'm always going to be liking her. It's not the end of the road. She's not going to be with another man. She's not going to fall out off the boat. She's not going anywhere. Unless these things happen, then I'm still going to fight. I'm still going to be available. I'll step back as she has requested, but I won't be a stranger. I will still be the sweet and caring person that I am. I am a gentleman, and I know how to treat a lady well. I respect her, and when she keeps telling me to stop, I will. But I won't back down. I'll just stop from where I am, unless she tells me to go take a hike... I will, but you eventually hike somewhere and turn around. That deer maybe a small, big, medium deer. But I will try and repair the vehicle and see if the vehicle is still able. God is able. I'm just someone who doesn't back down that easily. It may sting a little bit now, but it's not the end of the journey.
Deer. Thanks for crossing. I wouldn't be writing about this if the deer didn't cross. Things happen for a reason. I don't know everything. I know that I have to take care of myself. I also know that things will be okay because God loves me. Can't really out do what happened to Job from holy bible. The weather will go through, the road will be smooth, the visibility will be clear, and the vehicle will be in tip top shape. God is able. Jesus is driving. I'm here for a ride, and whether I go alone or with someone then so be it. I'll be joyful-joyful either way. It's unspeakable, this joy knowing that I am in Christ. That I am second, and He is first. It's good to remember that a child was born to save us all. That's the bigger picture. Amen.

Mid December

2011-12-13T16:12:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning. I am alone. The dog urinated on my carpet floor, and of course it smelled horrible. Perhaps it’s my own fault, I didn’t walk her out when she wanted too. I wanted to scold her, but when I do she discharges more urine on the carpet out of fear of being in trouble. It takes about a quarter of paper towels to try and absorb all of that micturition on the carpet. So I put her in time-out outside.

I’m writing on this word document since the internet is down. The day has been good. The rain has finally stopped. I was out running on the streets in the rain last night. It was dumb, but I needed a work out. My body was cold, but once the blood starts moving it felt good. Of course I couldn’t feel much, but to see my body smoking was quite terrific. I love being under a good cold rain. I didn’t get hypothermia, but I did get that scruffy sexy voice afterwards and a few sneezes after taking a hot bath.

Now where to begin... The past week has been a little out of control with Journey to Bethlehem going on, and all these preparations for the birthday of baby Jesus. Then also comes the end of the year/ holiday season spreadsheets, sermons, reports, projects, memos, gift lists, etc. It’s fun. I like it when a big wave of stress heads towards my way and that I can am able to do something about these things. I can’t wait for what’s next. Jingle bells are ringing, Santa’s coming! I think that once this week’s over, I’ll be more relax about things. The aftermath of all the preparation comes the parties, gatherings, events, etc. And even these could be stressful themselves. I try to be social enough to make an impact on people. I don’t care so much of what they think of me, or if they’re going to judge or critic me for being who I am. It’s okay. Let’s show them the love of Jesus. Joy oh joy!

Speaking of joy. I have been privileged enough to study the book of Job this past few weeks. Job has this unspeakable joy that is only found in the Lord Almighty. Also blessed with someone to go through this book with me. I like her. I like having God direct me on how I’m supposed to be listening and living my life. It’s not mine in the first place. There’s a few more days to go through Job, and just to read through Job’s story again has been so good timing wise. And to be studying it with somebody who’s wonderful to me has also been inspiring. It’s so good to see God working on other people. My desires of wanting more and having more and being more has transfigured to a more unselfish state.

Cold Months

2011-12-08T23:56:00.000-08:00

The season is here. I'm living it right now. The air says it well. There may not be snow falling from the skies in my neighborhood, but the hot water still takes a while to flow through. It's cold. I wake up excited to face the day and I open the front door and there's a still sense of chills that runs through my bones. Perhaps I'm just getting old. I haven't really been that person who puts on layers and layers of clothing. I still won't do it. I just rock and suck it. It's cold.

Worry. Why do I do that a lot? I worry of what to wear because of the weather. I worry about those who are in places of poverty that doesn't have a blanket. I worry about what my boss would say if I do something efficient, but radical. I worry about how I'm going to be paying all my bills and be able to provide for my future family. I worry about the future. I worry about a girl. I worry about my family and friend's salvation. I just worry. In the book of Proverbs chapter 12 it says that "worry weigh's a person down". It does. I really shouldn't worry. I got a lecture from a friend of mine about it. She prayed for me. It dawned to me that really, God takes away my worries. I am bless to have people around me that encourages me and brings cheer to me. Even when I don't want to hear some of the things that I hear. That's probably because of my selfish desires. God takes it all. My worries, and my gladness. It's okay. I'm okay. I have Jesus. I long for Him, rather than longing for what the world tells me too. It's a struggle. It's cold, but my God is my blanket in times of worries.

I think Matthew 6 nailed it on the head. When Jesus was teaching His disciples about giving, prayer, fasting, and possessions. I'm not gifted in terms of giving. It's last on my spiritual gifts test. However, that doesn't mean that I don't give. In fact, I think I give too much to a certain point that I forget myself. Praying is key to why I'm still in a good state of mind. I am still learning so much on how to pray and what to pray for. I really value my time with God. I also don't want to come off selfish, but God knows the desires of my heart. I love praying. Whether when I'm driving, or when i'm on my knees by my bed crying to my God, or just praying for the simplest things. Praying is part of my daily routine. Fasting is something that I do often. Either by not watching tv, or not eating ice cream, to not driving. I should be fasting more, and I'm sure I will. This wheel's just going to keep rolling. Possessions. In a real world, I have plenty of stuff. I really don't like stuff, but this world keeps shoving it in my face. People seem to like stuff. Even Christian people do. I feel like I have to give someone something for them to just like me or have something fancy to be liked. Then I am reminded that I am always going to be loved by my father in heaven. Yes!

I tend to chase people and things rather than just challenge myself. I am guilty of chasing. I'd get possessive and clingy, act beggy and desperate, run around at their beck and call hoping to "win" their approval.Instead of begging. I'm learning to look for ways to get to know people more and things more. I'm done "kissing up" to people's point of view. I am confident with my views even if I'm a third culture kid. I tend to be cold sometimes, but certain people gets me to a point of compromise. There shouldn't be any more compromise when it comes to life and what the scripture says. A man of God, I am. My heart belongs to Jesus, and not to this world.

Respect. If things don't come my way, well then perhaps it's time to move on. I'm going to keep continuing building myself up. I won't be backing down on any obstacles that will hinder to what could be the best for me. These months may be cold, but it could also be as white as snow. I pray for what's best for me. And I pray that God will bring me what I need and not what I want. I will accept all the blessings and all the trials.

New Month, New Attitude

2011-12-01T00:14:00.000-08:00

New Month! New Attitude!

Oh man... November was rough... Why does it seem like every November seems to be the coldest, darkest month of the year? Well lads, November's done. Time to decorate the house, warm up some tea, and bust out the Santa's and the deers. Everyday this month will be a celebration. Even after Christmas. I will be celebrating each day with prayer, devotions, greetings, deeds, and love. I'm done complicating things anymore. It's just going to be how it's going to be. And, if things don't go my way, then I'll go the other way. I'll just bounce around like a volleyball. There will be no more mourning and frustrations. I'm better than the sad stories and the pathetic thinking that I'm not good enough. I'm just going to own my faith, my being, my passion, and my likes. I like you... fine you don't like me. Too bad... I like this... I'll work hard to get it... oh well... I like that... I'll plan to aim it.... try again... Things of this world really consumed my life last month. My faultiness got a hold of me last month. I tried to learn and continue living from it. I'm always going to strive to be a better person.

Thanksgiving has passed, and Christmas is up next. I know I have a problem with these holidays which involve families and what not, I'm just going to have to deal with it and welcome it as it goes. It's not threatening to deal with people that you may not enjoy. It's okay. I need to learn to want to love them. They're people too. Suck it up and have a good attitude about it . Jesus is going to be born. Let's have a fiesta! It's time to sip some cider, eat cookies, and listen to some soothing Christmas music. Even if I end up being alone for Christmas & NYE. I will be okay. I have Iggy, and the Holy Spirit to chill with. Invitations will come along, I'll be praying about it and wisely pick my options. I am thankful for options. Everyday we have options. Everyday we make decisions and pick choices. Like I choose to write. Or I decided to watch tv over reading the unknown factor changes of structure of the nucleus may drive the differentiation of the cell. I choose to not not eat my french fries is a decision. I choose to take this route instead of the other. This month's going to be filled with surprises.

I'm even considering dating new frens this month. That is even an option. I'm done being closed off and busy. I will make time well spent with a lovely lady. I'm going to be better with making appointments and time management. And it's Christmas time, how can it be so hard to meet new people and say "hello". I thought I was talking to someone in the past months. Well perhaps I may be mistaken. That person seemed to be indifferent. Therefore, I shouldn't continue making that relationship work into something that is too complex for either of us. It became a one way street. And I'm always kept hanging. I'm not quite sure how long I should keep my hopes up. It's a real test of patience. I kept myself busy enough to not be drawn too much about it. It's okay. If you really like someone, then you'd make some sort of an effort to bring yourself closer to the other. I am trying really hard, and I tried ... she was perplexed and dissatisfied. I may have caused it. I am very sad to say that it's withering. It's a new month and I'm open for business. Everything's squared away. I love God, God loves me. I'm sure He's got something planned for me in terms of a woman. I'm going to continue growing as a man, and as a brother to all. Nothing sexier than a man of God who's on a mission to proclaim the gospel and be able to take on worldly things.

Back from the beginnings. Last month of the year! Let's do this baby!!! I will treasure every weekend, even though I might be working Saturdays. It's going to be a month full of activities and festivities. I'm excited to see what's ahead! I really don't want to deal of what happened in the past. I was vulnerable and weak. I feel strong and majestic even when things aren't going my way career wise. My identity is not with what I do everyday. It's how I deal with it everyday. I'm a grown man with some wisdom to discern what seems to be the best. And if not, then I will keep all the learnings and move on with life. It's not that complicated. Mine's not shallow either. It could be boring in some people's eyes, but I'm very content and semi-happy on how I live my life. I don't need to party, or to force myself to be cool. I'm just going to rock out with my tunes and get busy working on projects at work, home, and self. December is going to be nice to me. I have a feeling it's going to be a good one. Word's out, I'm out.

I am thankful for everything that this year have blessed me with. I am grateful for all the people that came into my life. I can't wait for my creative and vibrant side to shine even more this month. Oh my lanta! So many good times ahead. First I was overwhelmed, but then I'm just happy to be in a place where I know that there's always something to do. Boredom never comes to me because the simple things in life is what gets me hustling and flowing. I don't need no fancy things or a cool reputation. I'm just me. John Ram! Take me or leave me. I felt like I was left alone in the phew a lot last month. Maybe I brought that to myself, but that's that. I'm sick and tired of hearing people blaming each other. I'm going to attempt on worshiping God consistently daily and not let the devil get inside my head. I will be full of love, faith, hope, and the sense of reality that I am God's child. Therefore, I am suave. I don't need to look cool or kept well in front of people, or social media, or wherever. This is who I am. I love God, I love people.

I pray that this month will blossom to something beautiful. Amen!

Thanksgiving & YOUTH CONVENTION 2011

2011-11-27T23:10:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving! So good! Love is known to live during these times. The joy of having a feast comes to everyone, even to those who doesn't have a lot. I feel really blessed for knowing that my Father in heaven provides. I wrote an entry prior to this that's been opted out. I'm always boggled and curious of what could, should, would happen. I commit to my words & actions. Firm in my decisions, yet I get complicated. My thanksgiving was good. Happy to be able to part take in my family's thanksgiving lunch at my mom's. Her whole family was there; therefore, it was awkward. As much as I love awkward moments, there's something about my own family that just doesn't tune well with me. I love them all. I'm slowly getting better at dealing with them. Thanksgiving is one of those times when you thank God for family, even the weird ones. There just seems to be no face of reality within my family. Where everything has to be put under the carpet when everyone's around. Pretend that everybody likes and cares for each other. I want realness, authenticity, and unconditional love. Thanksgiving seems to make everything gravy. I don't mind it. I don't care much about what it means. But what I care about is that everybody's happy, everybody's got food in their belly, everybody's thanking everybody. Can this be a monthly thing? Can we be reminded that there's people around us that don't get a warm meal and a bed every night? Thanksgiving is an American tradition, thanksgiving should be a daily living tradition. Take away the turkey, the pies, the cranberry, and all that jazz. Let's have a meal w/ at least someone a day and give thanks.

Thanksgiving. It has been real. Grateful to be surrounded with families that I can look up to and be a good role model to my dream family. There's always a sense of loneliness during the holiday season for my part. This past thanksgiving was great, but I tend to shoot myself in the head and bring in complication and misunderstanding. Dwelling on it wouldn't be worth it. I have a problem with over caring and over thinking. To which, I would do it too much that it doesn't help me nor anybody. I look silly, and helpless. I've been boggled lately. Its okay. I was living a life that was honoring myself, rather than a life that's honoring God. I'll just let Him drive my car.

:::::

YOUTH CONVENTION 2011

Did I say Youth?! Yeppp! San Diego CA! We were there, and back again. Theme was "I AM". Oh hello... That's what my small group's been going through from the beginning of this semester. It was definitely flattering that about 3 thousand kids came this weekend and learned and discovered who they are in Christ. Memories were made, lives were changed, and God is constantly molding us to become the best for Him. I am so proud for our students who gave their lives to Christ and rededicated their lives to live accordingly to God's word. There's so much more thoughts about this. There may be another entry in regards to Youth Convention.

Exhaustion always gets me. Another long week ahead. Christmas shopping is pretty much done. I feel good. I feel refresh. I'm excited for what's ahead. Thankful for everything! There's a lot to look forward to and there's a lot to finish and start. Change is good. It may not easy, but it makes me a better person. "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." -Gal 6:9. I can't wait for the next chapter of my life. My family & friends don't dictate the direction of my life, Jesus does.

Puzzle

2011-11-18T22:17:00.000-08:00

Perhaps not in the best mood to write, but I have no else to talk too. Therefore, I say "hello" to this blog. It's late. It's Friday. Or maybe by the time this entry gets done it's going to be Saturday. I could just be mumbling on this blog. I don't know. I almost shaved my head today. Just didn't have any clippers with me. I feel better now after talking to a friend about Jesus, Satan, and people. Always good to go in depth w/ people who knows a thing or two on how to praise Jesus in their daily lives.

There really isn't going to be any sense of creative writing going on for this entry. I'll say it as it is. I was sad earlier and now I'm just numb. A good worship session that wowed a lot of the students. Guest speakers that came to town to greet us with their presence always puts a good word to us. It's always refining & refreshing to go through that feeling of a great worship and sermon. It always blows my mind how God works.

Empathy, never really thought it would turn against me. To feel someone's feelings can be exhausting. It's a struggle to see someone who's feeling unease. I find myself being lost within myself that I can't have joy because someone is stress, frustrated, or unhappy. I can't be happy unless they're happy. All I want is for everybody to be happy. Lessons that I need to learn. Things that I need to be praying more. Rather than letting the devil insert negative feelings and emotions inside of me. Which leads to pride, which leads to sin. Which leads to not loving thy neighbor and causing them to perhaps not love me back.

The puzzle board's huge, and there are some missing pieces to my puzzle. It's not a hard puzzle to solve, but it's a tricky one. I finally got home after a fun, long, interesting, happy, extraneous, evening. I'm boggled. I could repeat the reasons why, but it's no worth it. Time will heal, and prayers help. God's in control, not me. I have a heart to make those who know Christ be in their happy place. And if it's not working out then I get grumpy.

I woke up on the wrong side of the couch this afternoon from my nap. And just wasn't in the mood for any troubles or stress. And guess what had to happen. Phone calls from work that aren't time sensitive. It's like a blessing, but also a curse. Come to think of it, I wasn't filled w/ the Holy Spirit during those times. It is my fault. My mistake for letting things get in my head. I acted immaturely that my company is affected by it. I basically am just getting the wrong pieces to this puzzle. And it is frustrating trying to figure out a puzzle w/ the wrong pieces.

The night has been long. I'm tired and ready for bed. Thanking God for my dog for keeping me company on this long and cold night.

1 Corinthians 6:9-10, 11

2011-11-13T22:42:00.000-08:00

This weekend has been well. I would summarize it. However, something happened... I was going through the mini feed on facebook and started crying over something that I read. It breaks my heart to see and read a student's status that says they don't want to be with God. Complete misinterpretation of the word could lead someone to hell instead of inheriting the kingdom.

"Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexual immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. " 1 Cor. 6:9-10

No doubt that God is very clear regarding these issues. He loves everybody more than anything, and to prove that in Jesus. I can't believe that an adult parent would support this student's misinterpretation of these verses. Exhaustion hits me, and tears start to fall down my lids. If only they read through it and read the next verse... "and that is what some of you were. but you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of God". verse 11...

What got me the most is that other students tried resolving the negativity on this status by writing positive comments. I love it! To see jr high students standing firm with their faith. Being their for their friends and proclaiming the gospel. It is so wonderfully written, I cried even more. Unfortunately the other side always has some response that is completely inviable against God. Perhaps they should educate themselves more by reading more of what the bible says and seeking counsel. Rather than jumping into a conclusion that God may love everybody, but sure does hate a lot of people. In which the statement itself is a contradictory. God loves everybody! Amen! He doesn't hate a lot of people. He is just. I won't go around the bible to prove anything. Because it could lead to a lot more confusion. I'm sticking w/ 1 Corinthians 6:9-11.

It is a blessing to be involve in youth ministry. To see God working in these young men & women's lives is phenomenal. I just want to praise God for letting His Spirit work on some of these kids. The devil is always just around the corner. And there's always going to be doubt and blame. We're always going to sin. Jesus dies on the cross every time we sin. We're always going to be frustrating God. However, Jesus died for our sins as a payment for all of our misbehaving. God mentioned a list of people who won't inherit the kingdom. And He give us all a chance to inherit everlasting life if we accept Him in us. He wants us all in His kingdom because being with him would be everlasting. Being in sin, is mostly temporary. I want to live an everlasting life. I want everyone to do so as well. It burdens me to see those who were in love with Christ, to walk away from Him because of what the world's got to offer. It also inspires me to see young women stepping up in their faith and praying for their friends. There is hope and I have faith. And that is it for now. Time for bed.

Road Change

2011-11-12T00:23:00.000-08:00

My thoughts are muffled at the moment. I'm not going to lie. I had a main idea to write about this post, and I just keep getting distracted. Whether it's fatigued, the noise outside, my dog, or just the lingering thoughts about the future- the next minute, the next hour, the next day, the next week, the next month, the next year. I'm not the average ordinary dude who thinks in boxes. I like steps and procedures. And I also like random spontaneous acts of surprises. Maybe this entry could be a long muddy entry with no viscosity. That's highly unlikely to happen since I actually like structure w/ fluidity. Here goes...

Lately I've been struggling worrying a lot about the future, "will my future be good?". I often think that if I have a good future then I'll have worth and value. And I've been trying to use that as a motivation to succeed. It's definitely an insecurity based. Then I talk to God and He's telling me that there's really no room for insecurity in our lives. God's not really into natural selection when it comes to human worth. We're not turtle hatching randomly scrambling to the sea, stepping over each other into some thin margin of competitive success. We're beloved like a bride on her wedding. Adored. I don't really have to do anything to make God proud. He's already proud of me. And I keep telling myself this. It's always a good starting point.

When I get this straight, the order would be set right. But oh gosh darn.. I want to get there comfortably and faster. Then I forget what's essential. And that is love, and then comes after that is the journey. I'm still learning that I don't have to have a big future to be accepted & love. The world tells me otherwise. Rather, I am so loved and cherished by God, naturally my future will be good.

Zechariah 2:8 says we are like the apple of His eye. The apple is the pupil, that's the most sensitive part. I am likened to the most sensitive part of God. We instinctively react to protect our pupils And that's is how God feels about us because we're important to Him. So because of this, I shouldn't feel insecure about the future. This road may perhaps be long, dry, and steep. The word of God recognizes that and it'll be my fuel to get to the end of it. My feelings aren't always the best truth. My thoughts and feelings about my future right now is not the best indicator of what my future will be. God's promises are.

With respect to trusting only our present feelings, does it seem like we are moving right now? Unless we are walking, or riding in a car or other transportation, it might feel as though we are standing still But we are traveling at approximately 60,000 miles per hour through space as the Earth orbits around the Sun. Sometimes how I feel is not always the best indicator of the truth. I try to meet w/ God who keeps promises and begin to rely on Him. Psalm 1:3 says that we become like a tree that is planted by the river. It is not water by rain that falls unreliably like our feelings. That strong tree sends roots down into the solid ground and is watered by the constant, living river of God's truth.

God didn't leave me in front of these roads by myself. "For I know the plans that I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future"- Jeremiah 29:11. Yes! God is good, and He is personal. I know that God cares about what happens. All these changes, all these feelings, all these emotions. God knows all that. Because He is able to do all things, He is also able to cause His good desires to happen in our lives. He knows and wants the best for me. And He wants me to go and find that. More than that, if we trust Him simply, the outcome does not ultimately depends on me. It depends on Him.

My fear of failing is so worldly. Perhaps God wants me to fail all the time. If I have to experience the all the high's and the low's then so be it. I just need to come forwards to Him all the time because I believe that God has something good for me. I have faith that he wants to give me something good. He's got something for me in the middle of this road. I'll take faith over the law anytime.

Faith excites God. Jesus said to the woman who touched Him in Mark 5, Daughter, your faith has made you well. her faith did not have power. He had all the power. "Faith is a fuse that ignites God's dynamite. Faith does not have to be heroic. Like I'm going to walk on this road alone and self pity. God's been changing this road and making me see that I need Him, and I need to seek help from people. Regardless of how weak I think I am, I am still able to lift my arms. Even after 5 miles on this road, I feel like a rotten tomato. I would still be able to lift my arms to ask for help. My weakness is not an excuse, it is a reason for Him to help us.

All of God's gifts come to us by faith. Salvation's receive by faith. Sanctification is also by faith. the future is a gift from God by faith. Abraham believed God, He received His future by faith, and it was accounted to Him as righteousness (Romans 4:3). I keep asking God for help, but I also keep thinking that I'm not worthy. Something I learned along the way is that faith is a natural response to the character of creation. This world was made by God from things that cannot be seen. The visible world was made from that which is invisible. Hebrews 11:3 says, By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible. this is the pattern of creation-- from the invisible come the visible. When we believe in something at the invisible stage, that faith allows God to create it into something visible.

I don't know what the heck is waiting or what's on the other end of this hill that this road will lead me too. I just have to have faith that God has a plan. I'll keep walking and continue on this road. And even with its changes, my will to continue doesn't change because I have the Spirit in me. I just have to trust God, and be firm with my walk.

Ten Months After

2011-11-08T22:42:00.001-08:00

Ten Months After

Ten Months. That's how long its been since I've written something on this blog. I write spontaneously on a notebook. It's time to go back and start on this online thing and write something that's more organized than a doodle. What do I write about? Do I write about my failure to escape Alcatraz? Do I write about my failure to run an aero/micro bio lab? Do I write about my failure to respond to my father's letter? Do I write about growing my hair and cutting it? Do I write about my heart? Do I write about failing to restore business? Do I write about this debt? Do I write about my broken heart? Do I write about being stubborn & dumb?

Short story, long. I turned 27. I saw my brother graduate from high school. I built a tree house. I moved my family out. I went to 7 weddings. I'm still single, I also met an angel. I went to Tahoe, again. I've done about fifty plus reports. I got over partying. I spent two weeks at Hume Lake. I see students get save. I baptized some of my boys. I met Blake Griffin. I had fun under the sun (Ecc. 1). I said hello to people. I said later to some people. The story of my life between February of 2011 to this day has been a joyful and frustrating at the same time. But isn't that life in general? Let's find out...

Year 2011

2011-02-05T00:40:00.000-08:00

2011...

Well I let the month of January pass me by. I didn't do it on purpose. I have been boggled by the fact that this year would make my 10 year anniversary of being stable living here in the country of the United States of America. Unbelievable. Sure... The fact that I've traveled more than a quarter of this earth. I've actually managed to stay still in one country for more than 5 years. Incredible what divorced parents, rebel stage, and finding Jesus did to me. I'm totally changed and born again. Now comes more reason to live life to the fullest. For my life is not mine, but for my creator God Almighty.

Life can't get any worse than what is to be probably the toughest times of my adult life. Some aspects that I kind of asked for and some that just kind of came along and I had no control over. It's all part of growing up. This world can never quench my thirst for love and truth. For grace has given to me; therefore, I shall go walk on this earth with my head up high. It's just going to be fancy. I was asked what my plans were and I said that my plans is to live and survive. Sounds like a plan to me, but not to others. I live like there's no tomorrow, but I plan my life like I'll live for another 89 years. The joy of being alive is making just want to smile a lot. I'm alive. So be happy, and content. I have Jesus in me, so I'm all good in the hood. I read his words, I follow his teachings, and I try to live it out. Done.

Well it hasn't been easy. This world is evolving as we humans are. The way we are thinking is way more advance. We want more things, we can think of more things to make and to waste, we get more things to make this world complicated enough, and we just can't have enough editions and volumes of things. I love you things, but my 5 thousand dollar microscope doesn't bring goosebumps and tears to my eyes compared to when I worship my Lord. Good things comes from above, and not from the ups truck (James 1:17). The more we know the more questions there are to raise. I think the answer's all in the bible. Perhaps not the diameter of an apple pie, but the pie itself was made to bless our bodies and to give us nutrients to make more pies to use that ability to preach the word of God and to love one another. Bing! Ya. that's right.

I can't have enough enough of bible reference my daily life. Would I say that I'm on fire and that I'm in that hungry mode? Negative. I think I've passed that. I just became more calmer these days as I know that my plans are just to make sure that the bigger plans are taking place. I know it ain't going to be easy. But I'm willing to take on this hike.

Anyways, I signed up to go do an aquathlon in SF. It's a 1.5 swim from Alcatraz to the Bay, and a 7 mile run at the Golden Gate bridge. It'd be tight. I'm just worried for the run part. I can swim that easy in 50 degree water and sharks. I've only gone skiing once this season. It's all been all just cold and dry lately, not so much snow. Poo. I also have kind of quit drinking alcohol. Long story short, I will only drink it when there's a celebration going on. Like a wedding, or a birthday, or graduation, or whatever. That's all I could think of for now.

December Timber

2010-12-04T00:55:00.000-08:00

So I've been under the covers lately. Not a whole lot to say, but actually has a lot running through my head. Yes, I've gotten help by actually meeting consistently with someone weekly just to get mentored or to just talk to someone who's older and wiser. Not to mention that I'm becoming more free as the holiday season comes around.

Thanksgiving was just another day for me. I was, am, and always will be thankful for life and everything that comes with it. I didn't celebrate it as much though as most Americans do. No turkey, no stuffing, no potatoes, no dressing... My so called family was gone. My sister was in town, we hang for while, and that was it. Mother and brother went up North for their family. I believe they had fun with all kinds of left overs they brought back. I'm happy, that they're happy.

Oh so my holidays aren't going to be as eventful as it was when 20 years ago. I have a family, who probably doesn't even know that I exist. It's not a sad story, it's just how the way things are. I try, and it always leads to passive response by those who are suppose to love me. Well, I love them. They just don't know that. It's hard. I don't exactly know how, or what to feel anymore. I must admit that I love Christmas and all these occasions where it involves family and gatherings. To not have any of it is becoming regular to me, that when I go home there's nothing but an empty red chair and a messy desk. I feel ashamed to go to someone else's celebration. I am thankful for their soft hearts and gentle touch to adopt me in. I get all in the mood for the holidays and count down the days till Santa comes to town. However in honesty, when the time comes I become unhappy. This anticipation that something great is coming has came 2010 years ago in the name of Jesus. I wish I could think like it every single day. Every single day should be a holiday. Let's celebrate life everyday and be thankful for the blessings that we get daily.

I know that I'm loved. I know that there's people out there that actually cares. I'm happy when I'm around them. Them, is a key word. Who is them? I love all of them. Yet, them can't love each other the same way as I do. There's always a division, a separation of groups. There's always someone who can't be there. There's always those who are invited and those who aren't invited. I can see, hear, and smell all of it cause I feel so much in the middle of everything. I try to set priorities, yet I still think that I spread myself too thin. And to those whom I'd love to get closer with they tend to spread themselves too much. I don't like to be categorized or grouped, but I guess that's reality. I am in annoyance of the nature of my friends and those whom I want to be friends with, but they're too busy. I wonder what happens if all the cellular devices die one day and no one can text, call, or even use an app. All I wish is for you to sit and listen as you talk. Glance at your smile, and see them pearly whites. Christmas music... is bittersweet...

I haven't written here in a while; therefore, this entry has been very enterobacterish like.

No Shave November

2010-11-01T23:02:00.000-07:00

Movember! I'm not shaving for the whole month of November for a cause.

Undo It

2010-10-17T23:29:00.000-07:00

Sink or swim? Another race this morning. It was dark, it was wet, and it was darn cold. I knew what was coming. I'm surprised I didn't get hypothermia nor get a cold after. I was perfectly fine and even had time to shower after and look decent for church this morning. The swim was alright. The water was murky and cold. I wanted to finish well and get to shore faster than the rest of the entries. I couldn't really see who's ahead of me, I tripped and finished in 20 minutes. That wasn't so bad at all. I was just really-really cold. I finished!

Things are looking brighter, yet I feel like there will be a solar eclipse. I have been doing a lot of progress in terms of trying to become the better man in Christ. However, I am failing trying to become a better man at home and at work. It's baby steps. I know this. It's ain't going to be done over night. I won't collect all the resources over night and I won't be able to build and fix things over night. It takes a lot of patience and perseverance. I've taken steps to improve myself by having a consistent meetings with a mentor. And I've put it into action of trying to be proactive and being able to connect or reconnect with people a lot more these days. My career is on the edge right now for what it looks like to be a closing of something and hopefully a beginning of something new.

With that said, I am resigning from my job. I'm not exactly sure how things will work out, but I will be doing freelance testing, inspections, and other odd jobs to keep myself afloat for a while. While I'm trying to figure out which path I'm going to be taking.

Now this path that is laid upon me is a huge dilemma that's sitting in my heart. I haven't made any concrete decisions, yet I have made both huge steps into make something into nothing. I've drawn out the project plans, and filled out applications. I want to take all these paths all at the same time, while I'm still here. But, it is impossible to be at three or even just two places at once. I'm not married, no kids, no debt, no history of criminal records, no sickness or illness, nothing major, other than being crazy for Jesus.

I'm one and only John Ram! Sometimes I see myself with a wife, a kid, a pet fish, and a sedan. As I drive to work, I come home on a decent hour to do house choirs. I clean, water the plants, run the dishwasher, and feed the fish. I even have a project in the garage that I'm working on. Take my kid to the playground, cook dinner, and have time to go do bible study at church or lead somewhere. On the weekends, the fam bam goes out of town. Fly's a kite by the beach, have a picnic. Do a small hike w/ a stroller or a baby carrier and watch the sunset with my future wife. Sunday church comes, as I go to my ministries and she goes to her ministries, and our baby goes to the nursery. We meet for big church, and break! Luncheons, dinners, and brunches. Oh how they all sound so good....

The other view looks like I have to walk 2 km to go get water. Deal with a hundred degree weather with humidity. Live by myself with a candle stick and a can of tuna. Be happy to be reaching out the community. Trying to learn a new hobby. Instead of a project in the garage, I have a project in the main town center. I have to work hard and try to remain humane, and be normal and level headed. I'd be missing people a LOT, but I'll be making friends who can barely speak english. I have to adjust with new accents and new dialects. Love to see the smile of a small littler barrio somewhere secluded and be able to see life back in people. Life given to us by God, and only Him can take it away.

There's other views including my father, my grandma, lots of dogs, a yuppie life in the south bay, another business offer, a fine life elsewhere.... Lost train of thought... Fail.. Still be publish. lol

Beat of My Heart

2010-10-09T01:59:00.000-07:00

Bartender! I need a drink. A strong one! Something that would calm me down. There can be something on the top shelf that will make me feel better. Just pour me a good one and let make take it in one big shot....

Of course that's not the case here. Today was one of those days that I would normally would just want to kick it back, drink, and suffer. After a long boring day at work, I get to deal with friends who aren't in particularly behaving well. In the book of James, chapter 3 verse 1-14 (I think...) It talks about us humans having an untamed tongue, yet we still need to try and make the most out of the power of words that comes out of us or the words that we keep inside of us. I feel like this past half week, I've been just attacked by the devil.

My patience is really tested. Jealousy begins to creep inside of me and I wanted things to be different. I wanted people to be more of who they are in God, and not else where. I wanted what this world is offering and I'm not getting much response from my Father in heaven. Do I have to go on my knees again because that's what I'm feeling right now. I just feel very lonely and sad. I have friends that say that they care, but the way they treat others is unacceptable for me. Then how can they be my friends?

As the day went by I've gotten more annoyed and frustrated. I almost gotten to a point of explosion and doing something stupid. I wanted trouble. I wanted a spark from the outside world to just get me going. I'm thankful that I had this experience of controlling my anger and my honest frustration.

Surprisingly, the person that I wasn't expecting to be there for me tonight showed up and he was actually very nice. Not to be extreme, but he was attentive and was a great brother. I needed that. I probably would have lost it and may have gotten a drink. I've been clean for almost three months. I feel pretty good about it. I don't need alcohol, really. It's not a necessity for me anymore. I'm comfortable for people to drink around me, I just personally don't need it.

I just never understood people today. Irrationality, rudeness, insincerity, dishonesty, unnecessary comments, and just discouraging remarks were everywhere today. Coming from close friends and to even non close friends. A day like this wants me to go back to my own self. I'm surrounded with Christian folks who has a heart, but often times gives me trouble for fun. It may be perhaps fun to them, but I am the one suffering inside here. I can't handle it all sometimes. And there's not a single person in my circle of friends who understands how I feel. I'm in the middle of this chaos. Just withstanding everything. Great!

There shouldn't be any issues or problems unless we don't think so. However, everyone around me is noticing things that I should just be oblivious to. I care too much and it has been killing me. I need to be saved in this district. I love God, and I believe in Jesus. He told me to make disciples of men. And I am... I know it's not easy, but I am also just human. I need others t step up and be in the middle with me. I don't like picking sides. I am annoyed by that. I like pretty much everyone, and that's also a problem. Take me in Lord....

I'm giving God my all. Everything.... my feelings, my emotions, my body, and my heart. I can't have someone else put a beat in my heart. You God made me;therefore, has put a beat in my heart. I can't be fooled by a woman's charm, a piece of cake, a camping trip, friends dating who knows, etc. I pray tonight and this weekend that I can just focus on my creator. Everything is going to be okay. I'm happy to see others happy, but that's never the case and I really need to realize this. I am falling behind making others happy, rather than focusing on my happiness. aaaaaagh....

I could punch a whole on the wall and feel nothing. I should sleep it off.... tomorrow's a new day and I should not have any expectations. It will be fine. I will just hand it to you God. I'll be myself and be who you made me to be. Which is awesome. Done.

Absolute

2010-10-07T22:58:00.000-07:00

Quiet but I'm sure that there's something here.

There is....

Certainly can be here...

Proactive

2010-09-24T00:35:00.001-07:00

Summer is pretty much done. Kids are back to school. Fall fashion line is in. The sun is setting a little earlier than normal. The breeze in the evening gets chiller as the spirit of Halloween is in the air. I find myself faced with sadness and great anxiety to what's ahead. The Lord does His will, but I am in still humanly state of perplexed syndrome that could cause to a radical and just a stupid move. There are things in line that may cause an imbalance of what the future looks like in this earth. To be more precise, it has to do with work, family, mission, and living.

I have been on this new week's resolution as the days go by. I try to improve at something daily. Whether going through that extra verse doing devotions, or drinking more water, being more creative w/ my presentation and reports, or making a random phone call to say "hello" to a stranger. I am definitely weird. That is okay. It's good to be different. I smile daily, yet there's a cloud of fear and terror that floats above me like the cloud that follows the adam's family vehicle wherever they go. Fear is good sometimes as long as face it w/ joy. Joy is the key to attaining most things. I have a fear of failing, but failing is okay. I accept the fact that failure happens. I also know that I can courageously face failure because I know it can't be completely avoided. I have joy and purpose. I am scared of that purpose due to my past and what have I become. Well as of now, I have become a man of God (or at least I would like to think so). Just gotta follow what the bible tells me.

There's something out there shiny and beautiful and there's me in here dealing with something that's already shines and is already beautiful. However, to think of going out there and seeking that challenge of adventure and discovering different ways to indulge in such could be a lei in my heart. I am intrigue of how this all will turn out. I am praying oh so dearly. I am making strides and taking steps to be a light in my community and to love those who may not even accept it. It's okay. I'm just going to love you even if you don't love me back. To love doesn't mean to be nice all the time.... haha... to love someone may involve confrontations, confessions, and revelations. Love, love, love. That's all we need right. Pshhhh...

Lately I've been that person that people use to talk to about their relationship issues. I guess I have great advice. I don't feel the pressure of courting anybody at the moment, but I do feel like everyone else around me is either getting engaged, dating, or getting rejected. Oh the story of love in terms of men and women. Just gotta know that woman's personality, strengths, and gifts. Then execute biblically and have make the drive God driven instead of "me" driving. I have God driving my car, who's driving yours? Is Jesus in the back seat? passenger? trunk? or is He not even in the car? A person asked if I would be willing to meet this girl that they have for me? And I responded by saying "sure" I love meeting new people, but to be set up is nice; however, I am not a big fan of someone telling me where the deer's rest. I know it's prideful, and it's bad. It's a problem of mine. My future wife will just be awesome and wonderful, and I'm sure she's here or there somewhere... As for now, my main focus is my God, and my mission. Other than that. I'm okay for now. :)

Here's September

2010-09-19T23:58:00.001-07:00

Pray, pray, pray.... It is so important. I learned that I can just know so much about God, but not really know who God is. It's like if I researched and studied Kobe Bryant to his favorite ice cream, but not actually met up with him and spent time with him. Then I don't really know him, "know him". What's the point of me being productive and efficient at doing things if I'm not really taking my time to just have a relationship with God. I could read all the books scholars write, and listen to all the sermons day and night. Prayer just bakes all that in and makes a delicious baked good out of it.

I have been putting off this site just because of the fact that I don't really have a clear state of mind or even focus to sit in front of a computer and type out my thoughts. It has been sporadic. So everything goes to a small note pad by my desk or by the table. Also the time restraint was also a reason why I haven't been writing. And let's not forget procrastination and just being plain old lazy. Sometimes, I'd rather talk it out or write it out or just plainly think of it and forget about it later... I've been away a lot, and just not having the time to sit and write on this at the end of my days for the past month or so. Most of my last few entries has been short and perhaps boring. It's okay.

Change is good. It's not about what I like or what not anymore. It's what is right and where my heart is drawn towards too mostly. It's too early to state what would happen, but it involves a major change in my life. It will be a challenge, and I've been praying about it for a while now and I think I'm slowly coming into a conclusion and a more concrete plan. I just need to straighten out some fact and make appointments and make these decisions easier said than done. I'm somewhat anxious and scared. However, I kind of just gave it all up with an effort on doing something about it rather than just giving it up and not doing anything about it. With the power of the word of God, prayer and wisdom from others, I will be okay...

Hume Lake

2010-08-19T23:55:00.000-07:00

Hume Lake baby!!!

Last week was the week boys and girls. It's when about 200 children, and students went up to camp. Most of the time God shows up whenever we seek Him. He definitely was present last week, as everything went smooth sailing this year. At least for me and my cabin, and most of the boys of IGNITE (jr high ministry). Nobody got sick, and everyone had fun and felt loved by the presence of the Holy Spirit.

This year's theme was "Excusez Mwah!?" As we live in this world where most individuals has a "me-centered" idea of life, but the truth is that we owe our lives to Jesus Christ. The theme verse from last week was 2nd Corinthians 5:14-15. "For Christ love compels us, for we are convinced that one died for all; therefore, all died. And he died for all. that those who live should not longer live for themselves, but for Him who died for them and raised again."

Hume is so good at getting kids to stand up and either give their lives to Christ or get those who already know Christ to recommit their faith. I had the most amazing conversations with some of the boys from Journey of Faith. Boy, these kids are smart and some of them really have some tough questions that even I couldn't answer. Just prayed about it. God has the answers.

...... Pause......

Overall Hume Lake probably was a highlight for the summer of 2010. I am amazed of what these students will do to this earth in the next years to come. All that said, I am happy to just see walls getting broken down, and for God speaking to the majority of the young dudes in Meadow Ranch.

Pier to Pier

2010-08-02T00:22:00.000-07:00

Sun shines and I'm up before my alarm goes off. Grabbed a couple of bananas, packed my bags and went to go meet up a friend as he's about to help me conquer this beautiful ocean swim from the Hermosa pier to the Manhattan Pier. It's about 2.2-2.6 miles depending on how straight you swim it.

Done! I finished a little under an hour. Not bad for not swimming at all this summer. There was a little bit of a north swell which definitely helped everyone with their times. Last year's swim, we had the south swell which was really frustrating. But this year we had the temperature drop probably 5-10 degrees cooler than last year. It was definitely the coldest race I've done in years. People were being pulled out because they just couldn't deal with the cold.

I missed the registration, so I didn't get a t-shirt this year. I know, I still jumped in there. It's just a tradition. It's my 6th year doing it, so I can't skip now. I need to get back in shape again, I miss it.

Ignite Missions Trip

2010-07-27T23:30:00.000-07:00

Grand Canyon, Arizona...

God is Good!

A week or 2 ago... We took 15 junior high kids to a 13 hour drive to Kayenta, AZ to serve in a reservation. There we did VBS (Vacation Bible School) in the morning and did service projects in the afternoon. The kids definitely stepped up during vbs, and just loving on these Navajo kids. Ignite found me a daughter and a son. I was very attached to these two kids that my daughter wouldn't let go every time it's time for her to go home. And my son would just talk to me all the time about how he likes girls and he's only 4. He could totally be my son. We picked them up and dropped them off everyday. And some of them live in the middle of nowhere. About a mile or two driving in a dirt path just to head to their house. There's no freeway exits, it's just a random whole on the side of the rode that leads to a house or a "hovan" as they call it. These kids that we served too were amazing. They're so precious and so lucky to not be living in a city. They're happy with what they have. They don't need an xbox or an iphone to be happy. They just need their farm animals, their sticks and stone and their family members to play with. Our theme for the week was bible super heroes. We talked about Moses, David, Jonah, and Daniel. The kids did a really great job presenting to the Navajo kids; what its like to be a Christ follower and to be a loving and obedient individuals. It was just fun times!

Where's Harry? The first day of vbs, we tried to get to every home with kids to attend vbs. Then came this older kid named Harry. His dad dropped him off around 2pm and vbs ends at 1. I told him to come back the next day or I'll pick him up wherever he lived. So the next day comes along. I thought I was at the right house as I recognize his father and the truck that dropped him off at the church. Well every morning I go to Harry's house and this woman in the window, sleeping, would just give us that early morning look and would go back to bed. Then comes Harry's dad from the closed garage door just rolling up really fast and loud telling us that Harry's not home. Every morning, I'd come by and wake up that lady. Every morning I try to find Harry and tried to make sure that I'm not missing an opportunity to have this kid in vbs. I still miss Harry up to this date. I won't stop finding Harry from Black Mesa, Arizona.

The project works were a bit intense especially for junior high age from the beach cities. We had to clear out the outside and made the place look clean and sweet. I was basically contracting kids to do certain task. There were several projects added to what we're supposed to be doing. Not everything got taken care of, but majority of it was made fine. From the playground (big adventure), to the walk way/steps, to the secret garden, to the painting, and even electrical stuff, the kids were so good at working hard for God and maybe to be compensated with a little bit of Sonics. We don't really have Sonics around the South Bay, so we went to Sonics for dinner like twice that whole week. It was sad.. I was working a lot outside w/o a shirt and so I got super black. There was this one morning where we had to pick up rocks in the middle of the jungle. It was extreme off roding and that was rough, but fun.

We rescued a puppy, which we named "iggy". She looks like a half retriever, half shepherd. There's photos of her on facebook. She's pretty much a blessing to everyone. She reminds us of the reservation. Iggy is a legend. I love her, and I love those Navajo's

Overall, the trip will definitely remain in my memory forever. I am touched and just blessed to be able to serve and witness in that region. There will be definitely a lot more places to go, soon. It's all slowly coming into place. It's time for a few changes. Change is good. I'm ready to move on. I'm happy!

ps. I've been writing, just not publishing. I start something, and can never finish it. So it just doesn't flow. It does in my head, but not in here.

Half Way

2010-07-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

Here's comes the second half of the year. There can't be any better way to start it off by going away to a place where God's creation is undeniably ecstatic. Heading to Lake Tahoe this week and I am excited! I'll be looking forward to good food, good hikes, good fire works, good company, good nature walks, good swimming, and good adventure. Going back to where it all started. Lake Tahoe is the place where my curiosity to open and read the word of God had all begun. Amazing!

Looking back at the first six months of 2010 there has been goals that's been met and there were disappointments and there were gladness. I've made a list beginning of the year, and so far I'm a little behind schedule. However, there's still plenty of time. This summer will be an exciting/interesting one. There are certainties and uncertainties in life and this next half of 2010 has a lot with the next 5 or 10 years of my life. It's not like every doesn't have to do with the future. This year will just be the basis of my mid to late 20's. There's no expectations, there's just pure vision and plans based upon results and observations. Oh so I love to be vague!

There are a few who knows what's up, and there are those few who tries and guess. There's also plenty of those who just makes assumptions. I dislike it; however, it's a human trait. We pray that God will lead us the way. That God will lead us to His cross. It's never easy what God is telling us. Even if it's already in front of us. Sometimes we just don't see things as good as our Father in heaven. That's why the focus should be on Him and not on ourselves nor to others. I give myself to my creator. I give my emotions, my frustrations, my feelings, my likes and dislikes to Jesus. He's just that big. He can take it all. I mean He died for everyone's sins. Everyone! And for me to be sitting here writing about this year and the blue print of my life, etc. I just build what He has written down.

I read and grasp His message everyday and make sure that I'm on tract. But how do I know that I am? For example, learning to play the guitar this summer is something that I wanted. Can it glorify Him. Yes... I was going to write down, eventually. However, looking at the time spent being productive and having the thought of perhaps playing music and worshiping God someday would be amazing. Also consider the fellowship that will be happening with my teachers and whoever I come across with. I see things very distinctively compared to a normal eye. My brain's just weird.

So I am happy to be away for some rest and recreation. Oh how I wish I can just leave anywhere on this earth and know that I can come back anytime I want as well. It seems like this world's so big, but it isn't really. I'm super tiny, and this earth's not even that big at all compared to whatever's out in the galaxy. I feel special because I have this thing that I would like to call LIFE. It's a gift meant to treasure. This guy's not going to waste it on a stupid tv show, video games, fast cars, facebook, etc. "Do not be drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit" Ephesians 5:18.

Sure, things of this world could be used to fill us in the Spirit. It's a choice that people make. A decision that we make. The will to choose is what separates us from everyone else. I could see someone telling me that he/she loves God and be watching their favorite shows everyday. That's totally fine. Is it for me? Yes. I am in love with sports, music, and arts. Sometime my attention's very much into it and that I don't really know what God thinks about it. And that's where conviction comes along. Somehow, I wake up in the morning thinking all the time of how can I be a change to my house, my community, my world, and myself. I have a tangible to-do list and a mental to-achieve list. To make a difference, a positive one. To a very small thing like holding my temper, picking up a trash, letting someone in traffic, being kind hearted to a stranger, a spontaneous prayer in the bathroom. I just want to be a man of integrity.

There can't be enough advice other than what's in the bible. The second half of 2010 is going to be what it is going to be. There will be good, and there will be bad. The only difference maker is that my faith, character, and heart will not be taken away from me. I'm just stacking chapters into my life. Which is already amazing. Hopeful that there's more tomorrow!

Work Update

2010-06-29T23:17:00.000-07:00

Everything's starting to come together. I'm not going to just sit here and wait for things to happen. I have to go over there and make something happen and do something about it. Even though nothing comes easy for me these days. I don't even know where this company is going. My boss has done a phenomenal job in the past 14 years doing what we're doing now and as time progresses him and I are trying our best to keep it all together. Even though he had to take another job because this is just not feeding his crazy family and he almost couldn't afford me. I'm going crazy as I'm doing so much for a pay cut. I'm not complaining, I just could see myself doing work else where and be more stable. Perhaps be moving to a different state to work for a bigger company is a possibility if I want to focus on my career. Question: Is that what's in my heart?

Something tells me that there's a bigger plan for me other than going out of state and maybe working 9-5 at some lab and be satisfied having a nice 403b. Great! SBHI lab is existent and I'm getting all the accreditation necessary. That's been the work in progress lately. The lab has done some work, and it has been running since the beginning of spring. Everything is in high gear, but there is not a lot of transactions done so far as far as the projected goal monthly. It used to be quarterly, but I had to break it into months. Things are just going out of control with the boss's family. As an apprentice, side-kick, "robin", friend, I want to make sure that "batman"'s in tip top shape to be in this and to not be discourage even more so than what we've gone through in the past year. I'm now putting deadlines and setting realistic goals for this company. Which could be very frustrating and draining. I'm putting up dates and if by that time things aren't met, then we're closing the lab and I could step down a little bit and work part time for SBHI with doing what we've been doing for 14 years.

Let's stick with what we're used too, if things don't blossom. It's great to diversify, but if to diversify is costing us more than we're losing and hoping on making more and it's not making anything then that's pointless. There were lots of promises when we started doing sound testing, roofing certs, pool certs, insurance claims, etc. And how many have we done? Well not as much as we wanted. There is that "want to succeed", to make this profitable. That's why it's called business. Who doesn't want to succeed? Nobody. It's human to want success, to be able to make something out of nothing. It's okay to fail. We learn from it. Even with success, we learn to be humble. I think this year, if things don't go the right way at least I can say that I've tried. There's other options out there for this company. And we're prideful for our service and our work. It's like having a really nice yacht, and we're competing with cruise ships. An option is to go on board with the bigger ships, and that's what my boss has done last fall. And even that ship is rusting. The industry is just not doing so hot at this point of time.

On a positive note, there's still hope. I sing for hope every morning. There's no way that I'm giving up this easily. I worked hard to build this thing. It just happens that it's in Los Angeles, California. A state that has no money for anything. I've demonstrated knowledge and some experience in these fields such as building sciences, industrial hygiene, indoor environmental risk assessment and microbial investigation, remediation, and consulting. I try to maintain the highest professional standard. I'm sure it'll come handy someday. I cross my fingers on this regards. I have grown white hair and lacked sleep over it. It seemed promising in the beginning when everything looked shiny from the package. And now I'm putting a timeline to this thing and projects to either make or break this deal. The deal of offering more to meet certain financial goals, company goals, and personal goals. My boss wants a boat, and I want to buy a house. We'll see how that goes.

On a side note... I'm sending my father a proposal letter. My goals and plans for the next few months. He's part of the plan. My family's part of the plan. This world is part of the plan. God is definitely in it. I'm just going to be His hands and feet. I'm excited to hear from my father back and see what he thinks and if he reviews it and thinks that it's possible and doable. There is a bright future ahead. There's a lot on the line and there's a lot of sacrifice that needs to be made. I'm up for it. We'll see where this leads. I'm going to be a free agent and I could either opt-out and sign with a different team, or sign back in. Things could get tricky by how this whole crater gets deeper or reachable. It's only a matter of months. Let's see what God has in store for me. There's definitely something awesome at the end of the tunnel and right now I'm just noticing what's around this cave for now. My eyes are focused on the prize, but there's work to be done to get there. I'm expecting bumps and shakes, but nothing's going to stop me because I got God on my side. Something magnificent is coming up....

For Men by Charles Swindoll

2010-06-27T00:57:00.000-07:00

For Men
by Charles R. Swindoll

Ephesians 6:4-8

I don't often recommend a volume without reservation, but I think every man should readTemptations Men Face by Tom Eisenman. I'm not saying I agree with everything in it, or that you will, but his observations, insights, and suggestions are both penetrating and provocative. In fact, that book got me thinking about the top temptations fathers face.

First, the temptation to give things instead of giving ourselves. Don't misunderstand. Providing for one's family is biblical. First Timothy 5:8 calls the man who fails to provide for his family's needs "worse than an unbeliever." But the temptation I'm referring to goes far beyond the basic level of need. It's the toys vs. time battle: a dad's desire to make up for his long hours and absence by unloading material stuff on his family rather than being there when he is needed.

Second, the temptation to save our best for the workplace. How easy it is for dads to use up their energy, enthusiasm, humor, and zest for life at work, leaving virtually nothing for the end of the day.

Third, the temptation to deliver lectures rather than earning respect by listening and learning. When things get out of hand at home, it's our normal tendency to reverse the order James 1:19 suggests. First, we get mad. Then, we shout. Last, we listen. When that happens, we get tuned out.

Fourth, the temptation to demand perfection from those under our roof. We fathers can be extremely unrealistic, can't we? Fathers are commanded not to exasperate their children (Eph. 6:4).

Fifth, the temptation to find intimate fulfillment outside the bonds of monogamy. Thanks to our ability to rationalize, we men can talk ourselves into the most ridiculous predicaments imaginable.

Sixth, the temptation to underestimate the importance of your cultivating your family's spiritual appetite. Fathers, listen up: Your wife and kids long for you to be their spiritual pacesetter.

Ready for a challenge? Begin to spend time with God, become a man of prayer, help your family know how deeply you love Christ and desire to honor Him.

How about facing the music and then changing the tune? Say a firm NO to any of these subtle, sneaky, slippery temptations that have slipped into your life.

Letter to Papa

2010-06-20T00:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Papa,

A simple greeting that I bring to you, Papa. As much as I miss you, I feel very blessed to have you as my Papa. Even though you aren't around for the past 10 years or so, your DNA still runs through my body. We just spoke to each other not so long ago via "yahoo" chat, and it felt like a rigatori going through my esophagus. Time doesn't hit me as much as it did a years ago. You know what I'm dealing with now, and though my trust in you is a little less than a sweetened iced tea it's still good to hear from you. To just know that you're still alive and present. We all have our struggles, and I'm joyful that you are semi-doing well. I know how ambitious we are in life. I runs in the family. I love how you talked about having faith and staying strong and being hopeful. I appreciate every blessing that you give me. I just always wish that you're a phone call away or a short flight away.

We were chatting for a good solid hour. Three quarters of it was about business and I am worried and scared Papa. I feel like I am following you and "Daddy's" (grandpa), footsteps in terms of work. I remember you starting up this semi conductor company. I remember Daddy's corporation. And now another Ram in me is starting this aerobio-lab. You're so proud, but you're not here to see it. I sent you the scope of the the lab and I appreciate the advice and the recommendations. I haven't talked to you in years and here you are again giving me a lecture about business. Being there was enough for me.

Happy Father's day to you Papa. I hope your family would recognize how amazing of a father are you to them. All I do now is reminisce the good times we've had. You've given me an offer to go back to you. I am actually considering it. I told you the plan. I told you my desire to serve God and not this world. Thank you for giving me that security of having you behind me and the support that you give me on to whatever journey I take. I'll pray about it and there is a possibility that I may see Nana (grama) by the end of this year or even earlier. And like I told you, I don't want to settle with you. I will seek to explore what's out there and be open to sufferings and celebrations. It all depends if the science of what I'm doing goes booming or falls down. I know that you have faith in me because I'm your awesome son. Sometimes I just want to buy a one way ticket to random country and figure things out from there. Leave them all the money with no strings attached. You know that I am capable of disappearing like a monkey in the jungle. I remember that time when you lost me in the rapids in Bali and I flipped and almost got knock out by a coconut. That I enjoyed drinking and eating that afternoon. Oh the fun times we had.

I'm sorry if I've been a rude son by not keeping in touch for the past year. I will be more consistent by writing to you. As the time of meeting is becoming more of a possibility. Thanks for the encouragement, the affirmation, and the blessings. I wish you well. Take care and God Bless!

Sincerely, ME

ps. if i write to my father right now, this is how it'll be like. but i wish him a happy birthday in spirit and perhaps a little short message saying "happy father's day". i know that i can do something about it, and i am.

Waking up at 3 am... why?

2010-06-18T00:40:00.001-07:00

I don't know exactly why I just got up from bed and now in front of my computer listening to the sounds of Coldplay and writing on this blog. I'm still sleepy... Yet, I'm up... I have to get up early on a Saturday to perhaps pray and go drive 15 junior high kids to go play paint-ball at Lake Arrowhead. It's going to be a sick trip! I'm super excited with my tired eyes and more aspirating voice.

It's been a tough week or two. Just things coming out of no where. It's ridiculous. Whether it's at work, home, or church, it just keeps following me around like a magnet. I don't even know what follows me. Is it stress? confusion? frustration? Who knows, I never do these days. I just go with my gut these days and see if God approves or not cause He is my big boss. If He doesn't then, He makes something happen. I just need to follow. I give it all to Him.

I love how I have a bible to read and commentaries, precepts, journals, articles, etc. to just calm myself out. Or a good glass of clean tap water with no ice, and lemon. That's how I like it. I know what I like.

Going back to bed... zzzzzz....

Mensch

2010-06-15T00:02:00.000-07:00

I come to the post office probably 4 times a week to do business with them. There's this older lady that's known me for quite some time now. She always greets me with a smile. Simply adorable. Today she called me a "mensch". I wasn't sure what it meant, but she was having a bad day. I thought I brighten it up by complementing her hair. She did get a hair cut, like last week. I haven't seen her since. I come in mid day asking for stamps. She then told me how her daughter is just having a hard time with her family, etc. Well... I just stood there and listened. Apologized for no reason. I didn't know what to say. I gave my payment and she told me how much she likes seeing me at the post office. I told her that I like seeing her too. And I thanked her for being herself. She's just a straight up shooter, and she can lift heavy boxes for an older lady. She also believes in Jesus, but I think her theology is a little mixed up. She knows that I'm a church boy. She think that I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing and that I should be a model or some sort of an entertainer. She always asks who's the flavor of the month. Silly post lady, asking me such questions about women.

So I researched the word "mensch" and I am pleased by it. I've never been a fan of complements, but that really somewhat, kind of made my day even though it was just mid day. I actually at first didn't have a clue if that word meant good or not, but I just smiled and thanked her for it. I did check the definition just now. According to Merriam-Webster it's a person with integrity and honor. There's other definitions online, and they're all good. It's Yiddish, which makes sense cause ms. post lady seemed German descent. The word "mensch" just has style in it. I don't know what it is. Now I have to walk and live with that word everyday now.

Kindness vs. Busyness

2010-06-09T13:29:00.000-07:00

I was driving around Hollywood the other day and noticed how much I missed it. The crazy busy street of Melrose took a chicken leg out of my dinner plate. Then comes this huge 16 wheeler truck doing a full u-turn on a four lane street. It was impeccable. There's so many good stores on that street. I am missing out on some good thrift store shopping. Every side street in Beverly Hills has a meter. It's ridiculous. Thank goodness I still remember some secret spots to park and play. Two hours of walking around, shopping around, and trying to find a restroom was a great task. I bought a bagel from coffee bean. I used their restroom and sat as I watch people walk by for a good half an hour. It was great. I found time to plan the rest of that day. Next was to go to Robertson and go say "hey" to a few stores that I am acquainted with. That was the plan, until traffic hits the city. Oh the craziness...

People were yelling. Drivers were being inconsiderate with other drivers. Cars were bumper to bumper. I realize that the streets were just crowded with busy folks from the delivery guy, to the secretary, to the ceo, to the tourist, to the homeless. Then it hit me. If these people weren't so busy then they won't be rude or selfish. If these people were too kind then things won't go as it flows. The milk won't get there in time for it may stale. The patient may miss that beat and die as they drive by. That hungry person may starve to death. It may go over board and perhaps exaggerated, but it is also somewhat true. Most people would probably be a lot nicer if they weren't so busy. And people who are already very nice aren't probably as busy as any regular "joe" out there.

I look at being busy to be something productive. Busy is good. God calls us to be busy. Didn't He? I mean, if we are his hands and feet then we should be doing something 6 days out of the 7 days of the week and rest on the seventh day. There's plenty of verses in the bible that could be thrown at this topic of being busy. One would be 1 Thessalonians 3:6-15. It talks about the warning against idle. It's written in verse 10 that "a man who does not work, does not eat." Now how much do we need to work to feed ourselves? It seems like people around here like to eat a lot. As long as it's not gluttony then I think that's okay. However, if they start losing their values and morals then perhaps being too busy could have a tragic outcome. It could be so tragic that they'd lose faith in Jesus. Even when people think that they're still fine and dandy after being super busy the unconscious mind often times bring thoughts that could be unkindly. I guess that bring us to being kind.

I look at being kind to be something being generous. Generous is good. There's no random acts of kindness, only intentional acts given the opportunity to happen. Just like being busy. Being kind doesn't come randomly. It comes within the territory. It says in the bible in Colossians 3:12 to cloth ourselves in kindness. Also the 2nd most important commandment says in Matthew 7:12 "Do to others what you want to be done to you.." Kindness could be so important to our lives, but also could affect the way we live our lives. Are we doing kind things for other reasons other than pleasing our Father? There could be that second thought of why we do kind things. I asked myself this question today as I'm driving. "Did I just let that car get in my lane because it was the kind thing to do or is it because she's attractive?" If that was a man acting foolish and wanted to get in my lane, would i have given him room to slip in? Probably not...

Don't we pick out own battles? We're faced with an opportunity to be kind everyday. Also, we're are supposed to be working constantly for the good of this earth and the good of heavens above. It's good to set boundaries, to be able to know when to say "yes" and "no". I struggle with it a lot because I just want what pleases anyone. Well, I know that I can't please everyone. I try. But I also have my own self to please. And with all the pleasing going on, God is (should be) pleased first. There's a great balance between kindness and business. Both are great if both can exist. And I think they can. Being busy is good as long as kindness remains. Being kind is great, especially when done while being busy. This two aspects of life should always co-exist with great equilibrium. The more we get busy the more we forget "what would Jesus do". The more we care more for others, the more we forget that we're also important.

Now here's a curve ball... Can we be busy being kind? Yes, only if we're kind to treat ourselves as well. It says in Ecclesiates 3 that we should enjoy our lives as long as we can. Now even for the hungry, they can enjoy the gift of life. Just thankful for every second that I'm alive. I'm created in His image and if He calls for me to sit by His throne in heaven, then so be it- words of the hungry, and (should be) by everyone. I can be busy doing work and dealing with life. I can also love and be kind to everyone with all my heart and soul. I can't do it all. Agreed. But if I can, I will.

Happy Birthday Bro!

2010-06-07T15:54:00.000-07:00

(Stole one of his pics on his facebook page, i don't know how old he was in this pic...)

It's my little brother's birthday! He's 17 now! All grown up! Hurray! I love you more than words and presents can ever tell.

Hitch

2010-06-02T14:06:00.000-07:00

"Any guy can sweep any girl off her feet, he just needs the right broom".

Lately, I've been sharing my broom to other ordinary homo sapiens out there. I'm that guy. If you come to me for advice or help to make your date, your crush, or your significant other blush I guarantee a spark. Of course with different personalities and intentions I keep a close eye to every individual. Of course not everyone gets the prime rib of ideas for a date, nor do I serve to everyone. I look for genuine people with solid core values. I give them the floor plan and the play, if executed correctly can lead to a beautiful journey.

Now I'm not saying I have the right broom to sweep any woman. There's no such thing as the perfect strategy on attracting the opposite sex. We're made to like each other. Boys are suppose to like girls and girls are suppose to like guys back. Dudes, girls like to be pursued. Gals, boys like to be affirmed. There's no recipe for perfection because there's no such thing as perfect. It could come close to saying just as perfect, but in every situation there's always at least a very small flaw or a lack of awesome. And that's okay. I've learned that to really enjoy someone is to really enjoy them even if they're miserable and awful. I see guys and girls doing it the wrong way, and I see guys mistreating girls and I see girls who are unappreciative of guys.

The list of epic dates, and ideas to draw someone in is in a box and I'm slowly giving the secret recipes to those who could use it or asking. I usually keep these ideas and scripts in a secret box and unleash them when the time comes for me to go on my own trek, but I figured that's just selfish and who would knew if my time to trek would come. Time to spread the love, and there's unlimited of that. "Life is not the amounts of breath you take, it's the moments that take your breath away." It makes me happy to see a friend or someone happy because I'm giving them great ideas. As long as I see a potential happy ending, then I'm all for it. The only thing that would probably take me back from helping someone is if they're after someone that I'm also after for. However, I'd make that sacrifice if he's a really good friend of mine. I've done it before, I know how it feels. It's not the greatest, but I'm willing to take a bullet from my own gun.

The cases that I'm working on right now are good. I'm not attracted to whoever they're after for, plus only two cases are around my age. The others are either younger, or older. Funny, how I'm putting myself in this juncture. I'm just done "liking" girls at the moment. I just feel trap and helpless. Now, let's not mourn about that. I'm okay that I'm not dating anyone, I think it's good that I'm not dating around either. So instead, let's flourish other people's desire to date and be in a relationship. It'd be so swell to see two awesome Christians to worship together and pray together. I'm planning a friend's date this week and I'm humbled by it. At first I was thinking, this is something I'd do if I was going out. Then I'm not going out with anyone, so go use it. The only way this could go wrong is if he messes it up sometime after this lunch date.

I get a lot of how do I fix things after screwing things up. It's a difficult task to get a second chance. Unless they're willing to adjust then maybe there's hope. I say "adjust" because we can't really change someone. We could modify them and improve people. And sometimes the two just can't dance together. Either he/she keeps stepping on each other's feet, or they're playing the wrong music. It is what it is. Sorry. I'm sure there's someone else out there that's walking at the same pace as you.

"Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away."

That's it. I want to help those who want to have moments that can take their breathe away. Something unusual, not ordinary, but spectacular is the plan. I've never been a big fan of the ordinary, plain, and simple dates. It could be ordinary with something extra ordinary moments. It could be plain with adventure and fun in hand. And it could be simple with a sentimental meaning with good prudence. In the end, no matter what the results would be. There's always going to be "l-o-v-e" in any manner. To love our brother's and sister's as ourselves has to be always in effect. To see someone cry makes us cry, to see someone laugh makes us laugh. We're made for each other and with each other. It's my pleasure to help people, especially the men, to show their like/love interest a splash of ingenuity and an exuberant amount of joy in their hearts.

Bittersweet

2010-05-31T22:33:00.000-07:00

I'd be lying to you if I tell you that I'm good or tell you that I'm miserable. I'm okay. The bad could only get worse and the good can always get better. God knows the best, and God knows the worst. He died for my sins and everyone else's. There's always grace, so why be down and out. Sadness can sink in. Frustrations, irritations, depressions have pills for it, but it can't consume lives because there's more beauty to life than being always dark and negative. People have an idea of what's best or what's worst.

I always learn a lesson everyday. I end my days writing something on my notebook even if it's one word. The word for the past month or so has been "bittersweet". God likes to surprise me with something worth celebrating, then adds a twist to it. It's okay. Focus on the sweet part and just leave the bitter part later. I think it just has to blend. Solution: make adjustments and be faithful and not prideful. It's not something for people to give me sad faces and tell me that, that sucks. I'm happy for whatever makes people happy, as long as it's justifiably moral. Even if the situation could cause broken hearts. I couldn't really do much, but to live fruitfully. However, if I am not then something's up. Question is am I? It's mutual. I always want to challenge myself. But am I doing it in a smart way?

I've taken the strength finder's test and tested out to be in a more impacting and relating to people. Never did I have anything on the striving, or thinking part. I'm just big on influencing and helping people. I'd give someone a kidney if someone asks me for it. If I like you, you don't even have to ask me. I'll just offer it you.

Ever seen those movies where a sacrifice has to be made for the good of all? Yes. When someone has to stay or go and die, so that he/she could save a planet, a ship, a city, a person, etc. Every story has an end. Life ends at some point. Anything has a beginning and an end. But there are certain things that are everlasting. The memory lanes aren't going anywhere, history will remain history, and love never ends.

I remain quiet. It's bittersweet. Blood's pumping through my body and I'm just staring at the wonderful blue sky trying to make shapes out of the clouds. Sometimes I laugh about things, sometimes I just become a bum about things. It's okay! I'll keep dreaming good dreams and fight the bad dreams. Even though I wake up very early for no reason and being very exhausted for sleeping late.

There's a lot of work that needs to be done. I shall remain "asleep" and wait until God wakes me up for that right one. It's time to persevere and to be strong. There has to be or else I'll just be bitter. It's funny, how some of my peers are reacting when I show them the sad, melodramatic side of me. It is what it is, and it's time to push through it. Life has a lot more to offer than chips and cherries.

Deer

2010-05-19T00:11:00.000-07:00

I haven't been good with words lately. I've been staring at this white background for some days and nights when I'm not busy. I've spoken and vented on people about how I feel and I've written notes onto my journal, but I can't somewhat type it out. Prayer keeps me afloat. It keeps me level headed on things that's happening around me, and with me. If it is what it is, then it is what it is. I won't complain. The man in me cries out loud, but my Father in heaven calls the shots. I'm just here to listen. Not quite sure how to feel about things yet. Just of now, I'm just doing what I'm doing. Creating more things to worry about, stress about, and cry about. Fantastic! Certain things in life where we just have no control of, and I don't want to control other people's lives; unless they're driving themselves off the bridge.

So what cheers me up these days? Perhaps a deer? Random. Yes. When we encounter a deer in the wild, our breathe catches. We're just transfixed by their graceful features and delicate movements. These four legged creatures from the family cervidae symbolizes lots of things- love, happiness, grace, beauty, spirituality, benevolence, and the list goes on. Oh deer. They come and then go. Some gets old, and some gets mauled by their predators. Sometimes they're hunted for games. Deer meat is delicious, not that I have tried it. Maybe. I'm not sure, but I'm sure our ancestors loved deer. Even nowadays, hunters love deer meat. I know, I'm just writing about deers. My state of mind changes every 10 seconds. It's very annoying. However, everything seems to be negative. I really have to be like a deer and look at the bright side. I think, the mentality of not wanting anyone to worry is getting me again. I want to take everyone's worry and carry it with me to the top of the mountain. I want to add it to my stack of worries. And I don't really know why I do so. "Our prayers for others flow more easily than those for ourselves. This shows we are meant to live by charity"-C.S. Lewis.

It's either black or white. It's either I care or I don't care. I don't know where the middle line is. I'm not sure where the gray area is. It's either heaven or hell. I see and hear people say that they're Christian, but really not acting like one. Where's the conscience and self-awareness? Sure, sin runs in our veins. I struggle everyday by just standing out in this world and representing Jesus. I'm under attack all the time at work, and all I can do is smile, love, and pray. We have to live above reproach. Just because I see people doing it, or saying it doesn't mean that I have to copy it. It doesn't mean that we have to be like those men and women in Matthew 27 who yelled "let him be crucified". The crowd totally took offense at Jesus because of His wisdom and ability to perform miracles although He was one of them. That's ridicule, but it's true. He did only good to and for them, but they took great offense. I'm taking a side. I chose to live my life full of fun and adventure as God rejoices in my joy as I acknowledge that fun as glorifying to Him. Jesus was accused to be so many things such as a drunkard, a man of darkness, etc. I realize that it's not always about not going to places or being apart of situations because people might think badly of you. It's always doing things that glorify God so that in those pure motives we can work out our salvation. Yes, it sometimes can be abstaining to benefit another, but I think we miss the important part of living above reproach is about living blamelessly so that we the accusations come, as they will, we can stand before God as those called righteous. Those that did not break the Law of God set in place for our benefit. And those who lived with great integrity and freedom because our God loves to see His children exclaiming the satisfaction they find in Him through means some may label differently.

They came to him and said, "Teacher, we know you are a man of integrity. You aren't swayed by men, because you pay no attention to who they are; but you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth. Is it right to pay taxes to Ceasar or not? Should we pay or shouldn't we?" But Jesus knew their hypocrisy. "Why are you trying to trap me?" he asked. "Bring me a denarius and let me look at it." They brought the coin, and he asked them, "Whose portrait is this? And whose inscription?""Caesar's," they replied. The Jesus said to them, "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's." And they were amazed at him. -Mark 14:13-17

Deers probably have more integrity than some people. Deers don't pay attention to who they are. They're just going to eat grass all day and play with each other. Be chased by a tiger and run away from hunters. I've been thinking a lot, studying, praying, and just processing things. I get people out of trouble, and see them happy. Everyone's happy around me, and I keep getting myself stuck, perhaps growing. Getting to that goal of what? I don't even know anymore. I read. I learn. I ponder. I see. I listen. I observe. Just like a deer I learn from older deers, and I grow as I get older and mature as I venture. I just need to give myself a minute to think, then I'll give myself a chance to make better decisions. Everything now seems temporary. The future holds more for me. In the end, I don't want to loose it. I don't want to lose. I want to win, I want to escape the predators and not be drawn by shiny things, and comfort.

Chapter 3 of 2nd Timothy sums it up. I am in training for righteousness (v. 16). Everyone who wants to live a godly life in Jesus Christ will be persecuted (v.11). I'm trying to envision my life w/o Christ and it just seems empty. It may have looked like a very crazy-party lifestyle where the direction is just towards sin all the time. I can still party-crazy, stand out, and be different. However, I'm just more aware now of everything. My senses are better now. I get it now. It's good to be well rounded. I understand that I can't excel at everything, as much as I want to be good at everything. I know that I'm only gifted in certain things. I can't be everything. It's okay. I just need my essentials.

... This entry has been worked on and off... Fail...

Mumble-Jumble

2010-05-11T15:40:00.000-07:00

This whole concept of "time is money, and money is time" is evil. How about "time is a gift from God, and we must give Him time"? I like that idea better. If I can spend an entire day, an entire day, focused on God. Not a wasted second where I think of a penny, or an issue, or ice cream. I'm getting close to it. A few minutes a day, becomes an hour a day, becomes a day a week, becomes a week a month, becomes a month a year, becomes every other year, becomes a lifetime. Bam! That day will come when there's no deadlines, when I eat whenever I eat, I go wherever I go by foot, I sleep when it's time to sleep, I love everything that moves. Constantly praying in my head, out loud, singing it, dancing, making it. When sensation, thoughts, beliefs, desires and choosing over-powers rational thinking, and logic. As long as it has commonality with the bible, then where Jesus goes I'll go, what Jesus did, I'll do. Now Jesus never got married, because he married us. He never had kids because we are his kids. A good book to read would be "Married to Jesus", by Matthew White. I haven't read it yet, but I'm looking forward to it. Just like looking forward to courtship, my wedding day, honeymoon, date nights, kids, and grandkids. If it happens, if it doesn't its okay. I won't back down. I forgot my priorities after my number one priority who is God. The list is in mumble-jumble right now and that's probably why my black hair is turning grey.

There's more to these. There's more to inspecting houses, paying taxes, setting up a lab, marketing & advertising, writing contracts, and keeping up to date on everything. It's just not me. Then what is me? Good question. I want to cook for you. I want to go in the back yard pick a live chicken and kill it for supper. I want to take my ragged car and drive it to anywhere. I want to be able to serve people not feeling like I'm doing it to get resources or for my own good. I don't need to shop for myself, yet I do enjoy it. I go to the market and I see a huge variety of bread. I just want bread. Thank you for enticing my eyes with the huge amount of yeast used to make em'. I want to live in a small town, where I don't need to feel like I need to impress everyone. I'm not. Yet, people around me still thinks that they're higher or thinks that they're better than everyone else. Can I just be simple, yet bountiful, full of joy, enthusiastic about life? I want to go and pick vegetables, and make stew. I don't need this city to create this image of a man of today. I am a man of myself, who glorifies God, and follows Jesus's footsteps. Perhaps, I can't turn water into wine, or turn rocks into bread. However, I can go pick fruits and squeeze me some lemons to make me lemonade, or go fishing until I have enough fish to clean and cook. It seems like I've done more growing up than I've done now that I'm a grown up. Perhaps being exposed to the city life was a bad idea. My parents wanted me to excel out in the world. Okay, mom and dad. I got it. Now I don't want it. I want to live like my great grandparents who had it simple, yet blissful. I want a farm, I want a small little shack by the ocean. I want to live freely, I want to be able to use my gifts and skills for a better purpose. I don't want to gain anything. I want to give everything away. I want blackouts, I want to go to my own well to get water. I want to get sick and have the town's doctor heal me. I want fresh fish from the lake. I want fresh milk straight from the cow. I want bucket showers. I want to not have to deal with the government, but still be obeying. I want to be naked and free.

Sure, there's other people out there who desires that, but have they lived it? I am jealous for those who are genuinely happy with their lives who are far from smog, kfc, malls, and tall buildings. Even though, I once wanted to own my own building in downtown LA. I miss those days where you wake up from a screaming rooster, where you get to feed animals, and read books on a mid day and drink goat's milk and take siestas. Waking up and it's low tide and you just chase birds, fly a kite, or hold hands with someone all afternoon by the sunset. Walking for a few kilometers to get to the market, instead of taking the train or driving. Finding shells to collects and tree branches to use for kindling. Lighting candles instead of turning on the power. Using a cardboard as a fan and the arms get tired of fanning yourself. Going on a boat trip to go dive and explore coral reefs. To be in a crazy storms where it looks like the whole house is going to fly. I want adventure. I want to live it again. Just to see bugs crawling around, or a spider excites me because that mean that mother nature is visiting us. I know, I guess I'm weird like that. I use to play with spiders growing up. I put them in little match boxes and treat them as pets. Also raced cockroaches growing up in the streets of Asia. I also used to catch dragonflies and other bugs that looks cool out in farms in Europe. I want to ice fish in Antarctica and suffer the cold weather. I want to meet the Maasai in Africa and live with them for a long time. I want wake up from a rooster yelling at me and not my stupid alarm clock or my subconscious self that's telling me that I have to be up cause I have an eight thirty meeting. I tried doing a little bit of research and it's either going for a vacation or a mission is the case. What about to go for the juice of it, I don't want to fruit. I want the juice. I'm on a mission anywhere I go, work, home, church, market, mall, beach... I don't have to go far to reach out to people, there's people here.

This society is upgrading everything. You can actually purchase a water proof bible now. People are so in rush nowadays, it's driving me nuts. It's not like I can't keep up, but what's the rush? Really?! So that we can accomplish more, to have more time, to see more, to gain more? Wouldn't that just be like telling God to keep up with our business and our crazy schedules? I don't know. I like a fast phase life, but not thinking for my own gain. Sometimes I am guilty of doing this faster, so that I gain more. There are times in life where you just gotta be quick and fast. For example, in the kitchen when you're cooking a dish and it has to be done chop-chop. Or when a kid is choking on a chicken bone, gotta be quick to react. A big picture example would be getting all the family members together for a family picture, now if that can't be done fast and quick, it'll never get done. Is it selfish to be always in a rush because there's no time for this or that? If there is time, God will make time. I look around and people want more. I look at the mirror, and I'm guilty of the same thing. Bob!Adam and Eve wanted more. Jesus only wanted us us to follow him and do his works on our own pace. He never told us to hurry, nor to slow down. As long as the Holy Spirit is within us, then let the Spirit lead. Galatians 5:22-23a NIV "But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control". King James said it a little differently, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance". Now I'm not sure why it went from long suffering to patience and temperance to self-control. Patience doesn't usually involve suffering nowadays, but it actually does for the new generation. Kids start to throw a tantrum when they don't get what they want. Teens start to rebel when they can't have what they want. Adults... well they know better, right? Sitting in traffic would be a great example of people's patience. I mean, understandable that there's a lot of people with cars that are driving to wherever they're going. Some are running late, some are doing fine with time, and some could care less. Yet 30% out of those 33.333% of them people wants to be wherever they want to be as soon as possible. For those who are running late, I understand punctuality is important, but it is what it is. Pray about it, maybe traffic would split like the red sea. For those who are doing fine with time, I understand being early is good, but you're still going to be on time. For those who don't need to be somewhere at a certain time, I understand that you want to be able to do more things when you get to wherever you go, how about start praying while being stuck in traffic. Talk out loud in the car like I do, talk to your creator, talk to God. Ask him why the red Miata doesn't know the difference between the gas and the break pedal. I don't know, but for those who aren't in any time stress, traffic is, will always be there. Now where is the long suffering in that? Oh ya, the sitting on traffic is suffering because I can do so much more with this wasted time. False, time is never wasted. God gave us time, be thankful. It's not just here in America, I've seen it all over the world.

Maybe someone could desire a life away from the city or to be able to get away and go to a place where it could be like a paradise island. But for how long can they last? Then about 80% of them come back and do what they're used to doing- which is perhaps working on a desk, or going back to that lab, office, company, garage, yard, house, project. I don't understand the purpose of wanting something that's temporary. Yes, there are things out there that's temporary. Like jobs, cars, houses, clothes, light bulbs, microwaves, pizza, etc. Why can't we desire something that's everlasting? Something that's infinite and more vital to living; like a closer relationship to God, or a loving relationship with ya'll fellow brothers and sisters, a family, a church, and that community fueled by faith. I think with all that, the temporaries will just come along. There will be light bulbs, there will be clothes, there will be pizza. This world's not that destroyed yet. There's still hope.

...I slightly dislike paper work and everything is done in paper nowadays. Everywhere ya go, there's paper involve. You go to a restaurant you get a paper receipt. You go drive somewhere and you have to have a paper things like license, insurance, and registration. You go to church and there's flyers. You go to the bathroom, there's toilet paper. Money is made out of paper. Any type of work deals with paper. Yes, paper is important. I agree. Tsai Lun, a Chinese fellow invented paper. Good job. Now, what if people just ate, slept, stayed warm, enjoy, love, and worship God? Wouldn't that just be great! Oh sin... look what you've done....

It is my dream to make this happen to not have to have plans. I want to live my life where I don't have to make a plan, God just directs and I follow. I want to make plans as they go. No more plan a,b,c,d,e...x,y,z. I have a vision, I dream it, I see it, I will take it and own it. I don't know how I'm going to be able too, but I know that God provides. And all this time the Spirit lives in me because of fruits are beginning to ripen in me. The fruits of love, joy, peace, long sufferings (patience), gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control (temperance) is slowly ripening inside of me and it's time for picking. Now will I be perfect at this? Of course not, it is in my nature to crave that apple that Eve picked. I'll always think that I don't have a plan even though I do. It's efficient, but more driven towards the fruits of the Spirit. I'm still going to use logic, be rational, and use common sense. However, I'm working on having my sensation, thoughts, beliefs, desires, and choosing focused on God every time of my life. I want to feel the Holy Spirit working in me everyday. I want to be always thinking that God is always there for me. I know and believe that God is everywhere and anywhere in this world even in dark corners. My desire should only be to glorify and to worship God, and to be able to follow his Son and to be filled with the Spirit. And I choose God over anything else. Amen!

Letter to Mamma

2010-05-08T20:02:00.000-07:00

Mamma,

I love you! I probably don't say it, but I want you to know that I do. I won't be here if it wasn't for you. I love you because you've been by my side since I was a baby. Remember the time when you used to read Papa's letters to me when he was abroad? Remember when you used to take me to swim practice everyday, and you'd make me lunch at school? I usually get excited when you make me those hotdog sandwiches. Those were the good days. You still make me food because you're awesome. I thank you so much for staying strong, and being the woman that you are now.

I love you! You've yelled at me, spanked me, made me food, clothed me, drove me, taught me things, and took care of me. I know that most of the time we don't meet eye to eye, but you're still my Mamma. Remember when I took the car without asking and crashed it and you got mega-super mad at me? You were like possessed. Then I left you a note saying "i'm sorry". You know that I'm not good with confrontations, but I think I've outgrown that. We've had our days of quarrels and battles, but nothing changes and no matter what happens in the end you're still my Mamma. I'll be your son. I will take care of you when you get old. I got your back Ma'.

I love you! I pray to God everyday for your safety and well being. Psalm 139:13 "You (God) made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb". God has planted me in you Ma'. I'm God's gift. That's what my name means, you've named me John. I'm your first born. Who'd expect that I'm here 26 years later writing you a letter. I want to make you proud Ma'. I will. I'm your son, John. I know you well, and I'm trying to show you who I am now. I love God, and I want to follow Jesus.

I love you! You're the first woman in my life. I'm your first little man. I'm big now. I know how you've wanted me to grow up and become someone. I am, who I am now. That someone is a man that you've watched and seen fall, get up, and do it over and over again. I really do appreciate you Mama. There's a lot more in our relationship. I want it to be more, and I know that there's always room to make it better. I'm adapting. I'm accepting. I'm proud to be your son, as you are proud to be a mother to three beautiful children. Remember when people would comment to you and tell you how incredibly good looking I am? Yes, you do. And I remember how you reacted, you'd say it's because I look like you. And I'd deny it. Sorry.

I love you! You're like wonder woman to me. You've been through a lot. I look up to your bravery and courage to take on things, big or small, and getting through it. You and I both know that I'm not sure where I'll end up. I'm sorry for being so unpredictable. But no matter what happens, I want you to know that I'll always be here for you. My precious Mama. I'm running out of words, but last things I want to tell you is that I LOVE YOU MAMA!

Love, John

Here in Maryland

2010-05-02T19:49:00.000-07:00

So far, so well... My mind's been at peace. It's good to be away, I just haven't really been talking lately. A lot of thinking and praying. All is work, not so much fun out here. However, I did made golf fun this morning by driving golf carts like a maniac. I couldn't find a way to escape the company and they're really intrigue by me. I guess I'm interesting. A bunch of middle aged men and John Ram. Eating a lot of food out here. Why not, food is good. I had the best tapa's ever the other night. All I did today, when the crew realize that there's no way that I'm playing golf with them, is sit by in front a tv watch my Lakers, and eat pistachio ice cream on a cone. That was good. I'm just going to be real with these people and see if it works or not. I think Biaera Tech is scared of me since I'm from Los Angeles. Honestly, there's nothing to be scared of. They're a really good company, and I'm helping them, so that they could help me promote their equipment and our business to other aero-labs out there. I know the company name isn't exactly end with 'lab', but the point is that these labs would, could, should use our lab here in LA for an LA branch. It's not rocket science, the rocket science comes in on Tuesday when I deal with Mas-Labs in Delaware, to offer them a new way of dealing with black mold and a convenient way to make the test a whole lot easier. And all that's needed is a piece of equipment that Biaera has and they just didn't maximize its capacity until we ordered the equipment and started using it and I started tweaking it. Magic! I want to hear an applause. ha! Only thing is that, what if the other biotech companies out there has already figured it out and already told these major aero-labs about it. Then that's okay. I tried, and that's that. Long story; short, this trip has been okay so far. I have been thinking a lot in a more calmer way.

I'm typing through my scrappy laptop as well that's just really slow. I just want it to be Wednesday afternoon already. I just realize that I'm doing a lot of driving this next few days. And the car that I'm driving doesn't have an iPod adapter. I guess I'll be talking to God a lot in the next three days. As I have been doing in the past 3 days. I finally recovered from the lack of sleep and the fatigue of just running around trying to get things done. My knees hurt, and I can't be as mobile as I want to be. I am sad. I guess that's okay. It reminds me a verse in Ecclesiastes, chapter 7:3 "Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart". I appreciate all the blessing and gifts that I have given. I can't expect anything else. I'm blessed to have this couple adopt me for a while here in MD. They have no kids, dude works for Biaera and she's a pt, and have been in love for like 13 years. Non-Christians, unfortunate, but I'm grilling them about Jesus. Too bad, I'm leaving to Delaware tomorrow. Two and a half hours of driving, by myself in the East Coast. Fun! I really will miss their irresistible love for each other. I'll be back to say hello and goodbye Wednesday. They were so much in disbelief when I told them that I'm not married, and single. They want to set me up with some of their friend's friends and thought that they'd love me since I'm from the west coast and that I'm so colorful. I think they refer to my skin color. I love meeting cute couples who's been married and still rocking it for more than 10 years. That's love.

That was one of the few conversation that I've had this weekend. Most of my conversations were with God. Just mumbling to him about stuff. I'm going crazy, at least people think I am. Not really good for business. O well. I've been doing a lot of strolls, walks, jogs and a lot of reading and just quiet time. I really didn't want to get on my computer for this reason or any reason, but I just needed to write it or talk it out. I feel really good to be away. I missed a few things, like a camera, my flash drive (thank goodness for the internet), and under garments. I forgot that I'm wearing khaki and slacks around. Well good things they're cheap. I bought some yesterday. I should budget, but I kind of just went on "i don't care" mode. It's just moneys. I'm here to make more, and God will provide. If he doesn't then, I'll be on welfare. If he does, I'll still be on welfare. My boss and I are in constant communications as I am also representing him as well. He should've just came with me, but someone has to stay back to run the office. Anyways, I'm used to the three hour difference already. I was miserable when the plane landed Friday and the sun's up. I forgot my sunglasses too. Failure. Anyways, looking forward for a productive and fun week. I miss church. I miss blue. I'll be back soon!

...Reading Romans 12. So many treasures in that short chapter. I just gotta keep swimming. Just keep swimming... just keep swimming... The bible give me joy. Oh Paul, I want to work for this guy. And I want to be best friends with John. He was Jesus's best friend. I want to be best friends with my Savior's best friend. He also wrote the last book in the bible. These guys are awesome! People asked me before who can I relate too the most out of all the dudes in the bible. I'd say right now, it's John. Hey, I'm John. I'm kind of like a John. I am a John. Jesus's told him to take care of his mom Mary. In a humbling way, if anyone asks me to take care of their moms or them, I will. He was the first one to question Jesus when Jesus announced to his disciples that someone's going to betray him. I always wonder if I did wrong, or if I'm doing wrong, or if I'll do wrong. I never know sometime... Well, I do know. I just sometimes slip. John was super excited to see Jesus when he found out that the tomb was empty. I'd be that guy. It's just a funny thing to think about. I'm now intrigued by John's biography. Maybe I can find more to compare. It's just my mind flying around like a fly around a burning wick. La la la... This is what happens when I've been cast away.

Refocus

2010-04-29T16:20:00.000-07:00

Lunch by the ocean, on a windy mid-day, was almost just what I needed today. Tough week, better yet everyday this week I had a head ache. While working on the kingdom Fungi that has about 40,000 different types of them. It's like learning all the ants name and characters as they march to my untouched donut hole. About 34 microbiology books skimmed through, and studied in the past 3 months. Probably about 90 procedures done and recorded and about 40 mold and fungi. Not really a big fan of saying these words like Scopulariopsis, Chaetomium, Ulocladium, etc... I got my gear packed and ready to go. I wasn't sure if I would get in trouble if I bring mold with me in the plane, so I guess I'll just pick up some when I get to the East Coast. I'm ready, I think. I just want to get in that plane and fly for 5 and a half hours. Hopefully get sleep and arrive, rest and will start my mission out tomorrow.

It'll be good to be away. I need to be busy. I need a distraction. I need to be alone, for a bit in a new place, with new people. I'm scared. I am. But I have to go through it whether it's a pass or fail. I have to accept whatever happens and even if sometimes it's giving me head aches. I just need to take my time. This will be good. I may get the jitters and scribbles, but I need to focus. "To a man on a mountain road by night, a glimpse of the next 3 feet of road may matter more than a vision of the horizon"-C.S. Lewis. I'm just letting God handle the rest. I'll be happy with what happens in the East Coast. I got my bible, my gear, my luggage, my books, my chapstick, my ipod, my phone, and myself. I think I'm good. Just need to push negative energy away and absorb positive energy. I'll be all alone, but I got Jesus with me. That's good enough.

I'm outta here! :)

Top Open

2010-04-26T23:46:00.000-07:00

I couldn't start writing because my head is spazzing. My brain's on crack in the past few days. It just won't stop processing. Here's pretty much what my brain's feeding me lately.

I'm excited.

I'm nervous.

I'm anxious.

I'm joyful.

I'm exhausted.

I'm rested.

I'm intrigue.

I'm interested.

I'm amaze.

I'm nothing.

I'm second.

I'm happy.

I'm alone.

I'm stuck.

I'm waiting.

I'm following.

I'm leading.

I'm hurt.

I'm calm.

I'm hungry.

I'm crying.

I'm sad.

I'm spontaneous.

I'm complete.

I'm driven.

I'm responsible.

I'm rational.

I'm obedient.

I'm loyal.

I'm wise.

I'm dumb.

I'm unfortunate.

I'm shy.

I'm enthusiastic.

I'm saved.

I'm created.

I'm weird.

I'm lame.

I'm poor.

I'm frustrated.

I'm annoyed.

I'm bummed.

I'm restless.

I'm tired.

I'm blessed.

I'm going.

I'm shy.

I'm quiet.

I'm lost.

I'm strong.

I'm searching.

I'm loading.

I'm prepared.

I'm last.

I'm slow.

I'm done.

I'm overwhelmed.

I'm celebrating.

I'm crazy....

I was reading scripture to find peace and I came across Psalms 13. David claimed that God was slow to act on his behalf. I know God exist and currently, consistently working in me and this world. David was faithful to God and trusted wholeheartedly in him, but he felt the pressure of his problems as much as anyone. David held on to his faith. I don't see myself giving up on God. God and I have this constant talk on how things are going with me and why "I'm (all these things)". I'm honest and he's been good by blessing me with my life. Thank you Jesus! Now what about the lives of others?

"'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind'.This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neightbor as yourself'."

-Matthew 22:37-39

I am saved. Thank you! I know this for a fact. Now it's time to refocus and care for those who aren't and who needs the Lord. Amen. I see both the rich and the poor needing Jesus. In fact it says in the bible, I think in Proverbs 28, that the poor are better more than the rich. I want to be a man of integrity. Yes, I know it's a desire for me to become a better Christian. That's not selfish. I don't think so. Wikipedia defines integrity as a concept to do with consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principles, expectations and outcome. Jesus modeled it so well.

I am poor. Even if the numbers say that I'm not because I own a car, I have shoes, I have warm water, etc. Oh man! I miss bucket showers and heating bucket waters using a plug in heater. Did I want to have all of these riches? I'm sure I did. I still do. It's important to have resources and to be able to live. I won't be able to do His work if I don't live. Going back to my six essentials of living-water, food, clothing, shelter, TRUTH, and LOVE. A lot lays on the truth. Why I am who I am is because of what I believe and that what I believe is definitely true and that 'Jesus is the only way, the truth, and the light'. -John14:6. Love is everything to me. Love is when I get frustrated and my patience is tested. Love is when you just know and feel that you'll grow old with this person. Love is when I build myself a porch with a bench that swings. Sitting there drinking cider waiting for the sun to rise, listening to the birds flirt, and enjoying a good book. Truth is when I stand my ground whenever I'm being attacked by things that don't matter. Truth is when you jeopardize your career for what's real and what really matters. There's water everywhere. I'm fine by eating lettuce everyday. I can probably live with three shirts, two pairs of jeans, a pair of shoes, and some socks. I own a tent and a sleeping bag. I'm good to go. As my mind scatter and wonder around like a spinning top. I cry in the night just to be saved. And because of grace I am. Also because of Grace, my mother, I am here. She doesn't really know that exactly.

I've been trying to strengthen my relationship with my family and its been just all frustrations lately. Oh sadness. Took my mother out for lunch the other day because her dad, my 'lolo' was at the hospital. He's okay now. I think. I hope. He passed out and was confined for like 2 days. Scary. Definitely. It happens. I was deeply concerned, but not overly stressed by it. I was more stressed by the reactions of the world. I just prayed. Tried to be supportive and just was there for whatever they needed. I have been good with keeping up with my Mama. I do whatever she says. I give whatever she wants or at least I try and use logic with her, but sometimes that doesn't work. I'm just honoring my mother. Oh and I guess my father whom I haven't spoked too in years. Probably sent an email to him saying "you too" as he sent me a Christmas and New Year greetings this year. I apologize if there's a sense of sarcasm. Once a week, I am beat by the fact that I don't have a physical father to go talk to about business, sports, music, movies, girls, friends, church, and being a Christian. I get divisions of these subjects from several men of God and some of the non-believers that are dear to my heart. I pray to God every night to bless my Mama and Papa. Sounds really corny, but I've been praying like that since I was a kid. Weird childhood fact... I used to pray a lot, growing up as a Catholic and going to all these religious schools. I learned to pray in a structure where I go from the Lord's Prayer, then a Hail Mary, then a Glory Be, then to name and bless those who meant to me, then I pray to the angel of God my guardian dear, and then my three wishes for tomorrow... I still remember. I'm impress...

....MAN UP last Friday.

Amazing! Fantastic! Totally rocked! The boys totally had fun doing fellowship and growing to become real men of God. It'd be something that Rolling Stones magazine would say if they experienced 'Man Up'. I'm happy about it. It felt good. It felt real good. I was really driven to just give these boys the truth and the love. Good stuff. The battles of death ball and 'kajabi' can-can at the beach is 70 times male proof compared to quilting and perhaps doing scrap books. My ninjas came and showed off their skills. I'm so stoked, so much joy in my heart right now. They're getting it. I want more of them to feel the Holy Spirit in death ball and piling on each other. Boys will be boys, and to see these young men to eat like men, play like men, pray like men, and worship like men makes me a very happy fellow.

A race to the church after the beach to arrive to that smell of meat and beans is blissful. The evening continued as we growled like Arnold and drank beans from cups. Came to the building to do some outstanding worship and played Men in the bible trivia with a twist. The twist was to compete man vs. man on who can do a certain task faster, longer, or better if they don't know the answer. It was epic. Then came serious time with a 'nooma' video entitled: Tomato, by Rob Bell. It was about Jesus's death for us to have life. Amen. The video ended and the group split into small groups. There was a 5:1 ratio of junior high kid to a leader. I had my ninjas and some.

Small groups ended and next to the list of agenda was two 'I am second' video's and a short summary from the newest leader in the group. The 'I am second' videos were phenomenal.

After the inspiring videos, we had an open panel where the leaders answered the kids's questions. If they have any. 6 high schoolers and about 14 junior high kids were left at this point. No one had a question. The boys looked a fatigue. So we had to make up the questions. It was good, and restoring. A few misguided comments, but I'll still look ahead say that it was a good way to end the night. We also had cupcakes for dessert after all the madness. It was good. Thank You Jesus!

A weekend of just thinking, processing, and just swallowing facts. A question was given Sunday morning if I have the knowledge and/or the relationship with God. And do I have proof? Oh the fire burning in me just wanted to take this question full force. Do I know everything about God? No... Do I have a relationship with him? Yes! Do I have proof? I don't see myself not having one. I think to have a relationship with someone is to know someone. There's so many things about God that's just so obvious and also mysterious. Everyday, I learn something new from Him. Everyday I am challenged. Everyday I grow like a plant or a tree. I'm blessed with sunlight, water, and fertilizer. When theres a storm my branches don't constrict, but loosens, adapts and sways to which ever direction the wind goes. Sometimes it rains so hard that flood covers me. I just have to be tolerant to it and be able to withstand anything.

As the song "Hallelujah" by Beth Dillon comes into play...

Who can hold the stars

And my weary heart?

Who can see everything?

I've fallen so hard

Sometimes I feel so far

But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain

Swim the ocean

Or do anything

But it's when you hold me

That I start unfolding

And all I can say is HALLELUJAH....

more lyrics...

I can pretty much do anything... Well not quite. There's a tug in my heart every time the clock turns to midnight. I'm trying to forgive myself. And to just remember that it's about Faith, and not trying to do what I feel, want, think is right. I just have to serve others and reflect on Christ's love. There's this saying about how to live and that is "to live above reproach". Okay. Got it. I read Romans 12-14. Also did a google search on it. It makes common sense. It's good to be reminded daily and to be aware that real character is who you are when no one's watching. I'm done blaming others or things. I'll just blame myself or perhaps even better is to not have negative blaming in my lifestyle. I can have a positive blame. For example, I blame the pastor for really opening my heart to things. Or I blame my parents for make me and now that I am amazing! Ha! I trust god in what He wants to happen in the next minute, hour, day, week, month, year, decade. Bring it on failure! Bring it on rejections! Bring it on depression! Bring it on Satan! I anticipate great things, but with our sinful nature it's never ice cream and sunshines all the time. All the ice cream and sunshines are in heaven, and that's when I will be genuinely happy. I've always been searching for that, and I found it when I met Jesus. I'm saved. Yes! now what's next? I wake up each day happy to be alive, and I pray constantly to my father whom I don't need to see, but I know that His spirit lives in me. I've figured out my gift, and my strengths. Now what? I realize that before I get to that place of ice cream and sunshine. I have to experience storms, horror, and darkness first. This life has a happy ending. It's with Jesus sitting by him. Do I want to be happy now in terms of living a life of this world? Or do I want to be happy by doing God's work? I'm quite awake and way alive. I'm not dead. No point of being passive about things. I should just end this entry, and let it be. I see a greater purpose and a greater need for those who want and accepts it. I look around, I look at the mirror, and I see pride, greed, extravagance, lust, gluttony, despair, sloth, vainglory, wrath, discouragement, and envy.

I feel better. The ocean's calm for now. Clouds are visible, but I'll be ready. I read something Kobe Bryant said after losing game 4 at Oklahoma. I know for all the people, I'm quoting Kobe. He sad something like this "There are certain things that we have to do to execute to win. Angry doesn't get it done. Emotions doesn't get it done. You've got to execture." I've talked to a few folks about certain views on certain things and my opinions on different things. Must be vague, perhaps. I don't get angry. I get really fired up and perhaps disappointed when I see people acting really stupid. I'm sorry. Who am I to judge? But if I see something iffy, or smell something fishy, or hear something that's clingy. I will speak and will try to do something about it. However, there are certain people out there that's just really hard to talk too. When they're so right, but not really sure, that they think that they're always right. That whatever I say won't affect them at all. It's pointless to straighten up a person who's close minded and always needs to be right. It's like what's the point of you winning this conversation? I don't really know. I respect your points, and hopefully you respect mine. So stop talking? Done. I just want peace, direction, and love. They're always going to argue until they win, even if the argument is semi ridiculous. Annoying something, but tolerable. I guess I can pray and love them.

Continuing with my trip to the East. Itinerary looks like this so far..

April 29, Thursday: 21030- depart LAX
April 30, Friday:

300- Arrive BWI (Baltimore-Washington Intl.)
Cab it Embassy Suit in Balti
1000- pick up from Biaera Tech
1100-Get to Frederick, lunch, check in with George.
2pm Presentation
630 dinner with Biaera Tech

May 1^st Saturday:

800 Drive to Rockville morning
1000 Check in IESO
1100 Turn in proposal
1230 Luncheon
Enjoy MD

May 2^nd Sunday:

Golf with Directors of IESO (Fail)
Hopefully church
Free day at Rockville

May 3^rd Monday:

800 work at Biaera Tech
1400 head to Mas Labs in Delaware
Check in hotel in Delaware

May 4^th Tuesday:

1000 MasLab- the day ends...

Hello MasLabs let’s talk…
Branch here CA
Partner Biaera Tech and MasLabs together
Talk about Aerobio Lab assoc, inc.

May 5^th Wednesday:

Back to Maryland
Report back to Biaera
1720 flight to NY
1900 Hello NYC

May 6^th Thursday:

Who knows…

May 7^th Friday:

1515 Suppose to fly back to LA…
May Extend it…

*Biaera is accommodating me with their company car and lodging. :)

Windy Day

2010-04-21T17:38:00.000-07:00

It's windy. Bahhhh... I just want to sit, read, and sip some tea. Of course that's not going to happen. I want to do fitness as well, then I have to the "Station". I'm not teaching, but we only have two weeks left. And my Wednesday nights are somewhat free. I'm at home eating peanut butter; just peanut butter. The wind almost blew me away today. I figured some peanut butter would keep me grounded.

Lots to be done before I leave next week. Working on my presentation, studying, and practicing procedures to make sure I'm on it. Days like these when I'm kind of happy that I'm not out there on the field working. I'm happy to be sitting my bunn cakes and not being blown away by the wind. Also got everything laid out for this welding job that has to be done by the end of the week. Just welding a custom frame for a Ford Bronco. I'm not even sure how that came in the picture. Uncle needed help, so here I am to the rescue. It's good to be altruistic.

Time to do fitness! Rawr! :)

Where the Spirit of the Lord Is!

2010-04-20T00:28:00.000-07:00

Enough said...

On my knees again..

2010-04-19T01:15:00.000-07:00

After a great high on God this weekend I am now on my knees just not even asking for anything. I don't even know why. I just feel like my chest is so heavy. Being away for the weekend was great, but coming back was really hard. The feelings are there. I'm just not good with words. I just feel like I'm carrying a lot on my shoulder and it's really getting in me. I can't even explain it right now because I'm really tired. I don't even want to use that word "tired". I shouldn't be. I don't even know where to begin. I love change, but as I get through life day by day I see myself just being discouraged by this world. It shouldn't affect me, but it kills me right now. Probably because I am stuck about going and not going to these trips. I want to go for the ride and joy of it. I don't want to go into these buildings of corporate aerobiology labs. I'm not going to pretend that I know it all. However, I have too because I'm trying to be on their good side, so that they'll invest on branching out in the South Bay. Annoying...

After a busted toe, a bloody lip, a wood splint being stuck unto my fingers, and a few mosquito bites, I am alive. Am I well? I am well in spirit. I just feel like there's so many things going on around me. I just need to shut down. Then I realize something.. I can't. I want to cry. I want to just run and sob. There's no one to cry to, but Jesus. That's pretty much all I have. I'd like to think that there's a community around me, but I just feel so unworthy. I don't really know why. I'd rather be the man that people seek to cry on, rather than to be that man that goes and cries to someone. And it's so hard for me to show emotions. I'm really not having fun typing right now. It hurts. I want to be strong. I want to be active. I want to lead. I want to be dependable. I want to be responsible. I'm really struggling on bringing myself up.

I'm a mystery to me. I'm in this quiet place now. Breathing heavily, as I just couldn't read anymore emails. There's a long list of unread mail, but I'll just do them tomorrow. I just read the ones that I thought are more Godly, rather than worldly. Things happen everyday, good and bad. I just feel like the sky is falling down on me right now. I was anticipating that after the retreat that I'd be rested and be a lot more focused. Instead, I come back to a flat tire. I come back to hear that someone's grandma is dying. I come back to hear that this baby that I've been praying for, for weeks just got rushed to the emergency room. And then I hear a couple that got married yesterday and the wife had stroke or some sort last night. To top off my come back, a discussion on church's politics on worship and prayer. I mean... really? I am trying my best to get myself through. Even though everything seems to be so all over the place. Ahhhh...

My heart's heavy. God's really working. I can feel it and it hurts. Is this how it's suppose to feel? I'm broken everyday by what I see and hear. It gets heavier as I pray. The mind just starts to become dark and negative. I try not to go into that path, but I guess I'm just emotional after withstanding this weekend's retreat. I had to hold it together for the Station. I taught scripture this morning and how Jesus the Son of God was still praying in his last hours of death. That's something that I want to feel. Right now. I want that. I want to be whipped, thorned, tortured, and just be terrible. I want the challenge. I'll take it. And as I'm getting it, I want to pray to the Lord above and just be strong. I'm trying really hard. It's not good to feel like being tortured or to wish that I was. I don't even know what I'm saying now... I need to sleep and deal with it tomorrow, then the next day.

Getting Things Done...

2010-04-14T02:45:00.000-07:00

It's past 230am. I have to be up in like 4 hours. I'm trying to really make this outline presentable for this weekend's Station retreat. Did I procrastinate? I'm not really sure. I knew it was coming. I just didn't get the deadline until a day ago. Also had to write my lesson for tomorrow night for the Station. I'm teaching twice this week. Also working in the office trying to get the lab work started while working on reports and paper works. It's supposed to be fun, but not when there's a block in my brain in the past hour or so.

I couldn't think. I'm reading all these things, but it's not getting transcribed to a lesson of my own. It's annoying. I was happy, and now I'm just frustrated I can't get this one down. I wrote my first lesson and that was a breeze. The topic was "Caring for the Least", and I nailed that down like ice cream on a waffle cone. And now I'm working on Jesus's Prayer life and for some reason it's not composing well. I get it. I know it. I just want it to be very well written and done to a point where these college kids will be affected by it. Go big or go home?! It's Jesus's prayer... I want this sermon to be darn awesome. Unlike tonight's sermon, this weekend's somehow is more difficult for me to put in an outline. I prayed about it and it's just not working. I want this outline to be attached to their walls. I want this to be mind blowing. I'm giving it Saturday evening, which is like the climax of this weekends retreat.

I've cried out for help because of the music that's playing in my ears. It's late. I'm tired. I'm alone. I want my work to be the best for God. I have confidence that it'll be done. I just don't want to rush it and just turn it in. Cups after cups of tea with Colbie playing in the back ground it's still not working- my brain. It's irritating when I can't get it done. Ahhhhh...

I have a love for these stuff, but I'm hating it right now. As much as I don't use the word hate, I'm using it tonight. I need a breather. I'll continue this when I wake up. Oh Wednesday... This is brutal. I still need to go in to work and finish a duplex report and anticipate big-huge house in Long Beach. Send out flyers for this dumb golf tournament in two weeks. I have to grow and break down Memnoniella, and get it to be pretty under a microscope and take a photo and put it in the portfolio. Trying to finish all the Deuteromycotina. And I'm only on the Memnoniella. There's like 18 more. My head's going to explode. Oh did I mention that I have to go find some Cladosporium by my boss's house. It'd be silly, but okay. I need a sample, and I ran out of samples and I didn't want buy one. Yes, we can buy mold. Weird. So I'm getting one via the backyard. Wonderful. Also, I have to start working on the invoice sheets for these mold reports and allergen tests. I need to bring a cheat sheet with me... All these names are driving me nuts. It'll be fun. After all the work in the office, I'm putting in a nap sometime this afternoon. Then taking my ninja's to the beach. Then a prayer stroll. Then the Station. That's how it's looking like in one day. Awesome!

Love it! I have to stay strong this next two months. It's make it or break it season in terms of work. I'll continue preaching the Good News. That's always going to make it. The other stuff will follow. I hope. If it doesn't then try and go on a different approach and alternative. There's always a plan b.

Mammoth

2010-04-13T02:00:00.001-07:00

I shouldn't be up right now. I really need sleep. I slept okay last night, but woke up from a nightmare this morning. I just got done with the Monday after an amazing time in Mammoth last weekend. I'm currently taking a break from writing my outline for the Station this Wednesday. I'm teaching about "Caring for the Least". It has to be done tonight because I have to turn it in for them to print tomorrow because I have to write another sermon tomorrow for the Station retreat this weekend. That's going to be on "Jesus's Prayer Life". That needs to be turned into them by Wednesday for the handouts. I'm full of joy of just learning and studying the bible. I'm lovin' it.

Mammoth was beautiful. The mountains were astounding. Often times I wonder how the heck these people can't believe in God by not just looking at the mountains. There's just something wonderful about God's creation. I'm so thankful for every single second I had this weekend with so many wonderful people. It was just fun. I didn't worry much. There were no stress or anything. It was simple and majestic. Every time I feel like I was going to lose it. I just prayed and meditated. Skiing was blissful and fun! All I can say is that I was on a cloud last weekend. The rest of how I feel goes to my private journal. I feel good for now. Even with the lack of sleep and time. I'm going to say that I'm driven to finish whatever task that's in front of me right now, ie. 5 trips, 4 states, 3 weekends, 2 sermons, 1 life. The weekend was more liberating rather than relaxing. I got to cook the whole weekend. I got to serve my fellows. I got to stop and not think of home or work. I'm just thankful and happy for now with all the crazy things going on around me. Even with all my worries and stress, I tried to make last weekend fun, not only for me but also for some. I shouldn't be down anymore. God is going to work His ways.

There was a moment at church last night where I just wanted to cry. It's not because I'm sad and that I can't do anything about anything. God's doing a lot right now and I'm here trying to get it. I'm just a lil confused unto what to do with what's in front of me. "Great power, comes great responsibility"-Uncle Ben from Spider Man. I really don't have any powers, but I have the Holy Spirit. Oh man, I just need to man up, but I don't want to be downed. This is really an annoying feeling. I'm just going to continue what I'm doing and maybe my phone rings in the middle of the night and Jesus is calling me. Ah... I wish I can type more... Time to go back writing this lesson.

Off to Mammoth

2010-04-09T02:27:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure why I'm sitting here typing like a zombie. My mind is shut down, but my body is awake. I just realize tonight, when I was taking a shower, that I forgot to eat today. I only had a banana this morning and a descent lunch. That's it. I'm all about being mentally prepared for busy days. I guess that's good.

I leave to Mammoth in like 2 hours. I should sleep. Dude, seriously. I need to sleep. After wrestling with 40lbs. of chicken. I managed to put them all in place, and half of them are soaking in deliciousness. I also managed to pack my bag and get ready for Mammoth. I am really excited about this trip. I just feel like it'll be a grand time. It'll be grand. I'm excited. I'm tired for now. I'm sure I'll sleep on the way.

Oh man! I'm all smiles after a really tough week. It's over now. It was a crazy week. I don't even know how I survived. Next week is just as crazy. I am slowly getting used to it. I like the challenge that it brings. I just need to put in the effort of actually working out. I think I only worked out twice this week. That's not good. Failure.

My life is sitting on a pedestal right now. It has been this whole year. I made a to-do list this year and so far I'm ahead of what I have envisioned. However, there are a few things that's kind of catching me by surprise. I wonder what's going to happen tomorrow? I wonder what's going to happen next week? I can only tell on what's on my calendar right now and how this world is just blessing me. Blessing me with head aches, heart aches, and stress. I am still in love with stress. Growing up, I've always been intuitive of what's coming next. Always want to take it on, head first. I'm weird. I know. I like a good challenge. Whether it's a math problem, in the pool, with the girls, etc. There are things that I can't take, and I'm slowly having back that control again. I should go back skate again, see where that leads. Now that's going to be a big challenge. I'll explain later.

I'm going to close my eyes and dream about a happy place for an hour or so. Yay!

Peace!

2010-04-06T17:53:00.000-07:00

Turn On the Music

2010-04-04T23:02:00.000-07:00

O Holy Is The Great Almighty! He's alive folks! I want to cry, shout, dance, sing, worship, love for my God. A wonderful Sunday morning filled with joy. I enjoyed the sun rise listening to some Shane & Shane. I ate food, did my morning routine. I was reading 2nd Corinthians 5:14-15 this morning for a special devo time it says

"For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again."

C'mon people! Jesus died for us, so that we can not go to hell. Let's live for Jesus. Why can't a regular Sunday service be like Easter service all the time. There were a lot of people at church today. People were singing and was actually friendly. There's so many smiling faces this morning. I forget the world sometimes when I see people smiling. It's so good. It's so peaceful. It's like music to my ears, it's just peaceful.

Church was terrific. I went home after lunch to spend some time w/ the fam-bam knowing that they're just going to be away. O well. Sometimes it gets me inside knowing the fact that my fambam don't know what it means to live a life worth living for. I can't force feed them, but I'm really trying and praying hard that maybe they'll see the light. I've got bibles and notes running around everywhere the house to a point where my Mamma would yell at me to go clean up my stuff. That just sounds like loud rap music to me. They all came home and it was nice to hear my brother teasing my sister about giving her a hug. Weird. Then came the great earthquake after I drooled over the couch watching the Lakers lose to the Spurs. It was 7.2 magnitude earthquake. It wasn't as bad as the one that I experienced in Hawaii once when the tv fell from it's stand. Wonderful. It was a pretty intense earthquake. My feet were feeling the floors of our second floor apartment and I was just feeling the foundation if it was about to give in. I was waiting for a disaster to happen. It would've been a sad story, but fortunately I still have a roof on my head. That was that.

I wasn't sure of what I'm doing for the rest of my Sunday. I had dindin w/ my Mamma. It was fun. I like sharing a meal with anybody. Even if it's my mother. It's always awkward and strange, but it works. I'm making it work. I'm trying. Home cooked meal and a lecture from my mother on giving my stuff away. Great. I skipped some evening churching and just chilled at home.

Everything's mellow. Until I was dragged to go have frozen yogurt. Sometimes I just don't understand the logic of some of my friends. Perhaps there is none. There is no point of going against the flow. Sometimes I just have to suck it up and ride that wave. He really pushed my buttons tonight. There was a lot of backtracking and useless, pointless reasoning. Empty promises and the lack of common sense. My patience was definitely challenged. So as I calmed down the party arrived and I cooled off. I stepped outside for a bit and next thing I see the company is leaving and is pissed. At this point, nothing seems to be going well with this little adventure to go get frozen yogurt. The highlight of it was probably me stepping outside jumping around the common area conversing on the phone and having happy thoughts. The plan was a failure. Everything was gravy until my buddy played his sappy drama music. That made the company leave and now he's stuck with me.

I can't help it anymore but to just lay it down the table. Sometimes people need to know what they're doing wrong. I care for these people enough that once I get to a certain point I have to sit you down and talk to you man vs. man. Fight or flight is the usual reaction by anyone who gets irritated, frustrated, annoyed, mad, sad, or whatever negative emotion is happening inside. After reading books after books on dealing with this society. I found out that fight or flight isn't the best solution to solve interpersonal issues. Getting in a dialog in a calm and pleasant manner is the best way. Of course sometimes the temper gets on a higher scale, but everything has to be controlled or else everything will just be counter productive. After a long and disastrous evening I came to a point where I was being a good friend. It felt really frustrating, but it's good. I'm here for whoever needs an ear to listen. I'm her to be accountable for. Back to some good music with some old Gospel music. I just feel compelled to just feel good. Jesus is alive baby!!! Amen!

He is Risen!!!

2010-04-04T02:18:00.001-07:00

Midnight came and the feeling of knowing that my God is risen gives me pure joy. When the sun breaks the sky tomorrow and brings its light into this place I will rejoice and give Jesus everything.

Saturday was a lot more productive than I thought. Cleared my head with all the stress at work. I slept in and did a detailed cleaning of the entire house. Found time to do accountability with a buddy, rented a movie watched it with some awesome people, and went to a robot party. Even had time to meditate and pray as I'm driving.

Feeling refresh, I am. There's just something cool going on inside of me that I can explain. It's Jesus rising from the dead. Yes! Funny portion of this is that I was in a robot party introduced as the "cookie-charming-smooth dude". An intro to bring up Easter to those who doesn't really understand the meaning of it and how it's so important it is to me and to those who believe. I had to proved to them how spontaneously awkward weird I am. Which isn't really hard for me to do.. I just realize that if I am put to spot to break the ice in a group of fellas' that aren't really sure of what to talk about, I can step in and bring in the heat. That should be a career. I can do that. Anyways, It's not about me... Holy monkeys.

Jesus is alive! I won't be a Christian if it wasn't for Easter. I won't be believing in something if He didn't rose from the grave. I'm so happy!

Planning a menu plan for this next weekend's amazing trip to Mammoth. I am on it!

Everything is Beautiful

2010-04-03T02:01:00.000-07:00

A long work week has finally come to an end. Easter weekend, here I come! Really been a little down and out this past week. Just with work and such... Realized that all the weekends for the next 8 weeks are booked. It's okay. I sat at the beach in silence for an hour the other day staring at the beautiful sun set. As the birds fly by and people interact, I noticed how everything is beautiful.

...Good Friday service was excellent. It's probably the most powerful Friday of the year. It what really defines "true love". The sacrifice that God did just for us. I don't even deserve it. I was thinking, praying, talking to God through my thoughts of how it's so ridiculous, Jesus' death was. I can't really explain it. It's because I am His adopted child that He had to sacrifice His own Son for my own benefit. It's a great reminder that my life here on earth would not have been like this without Him. That I should stand tall and be an example of His great love and beauty. It was so good to just be content with God tonight. It made me see things clearly and just shook me up to a point where I really don't need to worry about my own life and issues. I'm already saved. These earthly worries like school, work, relationships, are just temporary. Even to be bothered by a barking dog in the middle of the night can be sustainable. It'll shut up. Hopefully... I am at peace again. There's peace in my heart and confidence that everything will work out according to His great plan. The act of sacrifice is just beautiful. I'm still recollecting and still feeling the goose bumps from the service. It's so good, so beautiful...

Genesis 1:31 always gets me excited. How God saw everything that he made, and it was very good. It is. Everyone's beautiful. Even when they're in tears. Even when everything is going against our week. Even though people are staining this world. Everything is still beautiful. Beauty is having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind. My mind's very unique compared to the "normal mind" or the "ideal mind". I sense things differently than a normal person in this society senses. I get the normal, now why can't I go beyond that. There's a fine line between over analyzing something to just having the "whatever" mentality. It may sound cheesy, but I find beauty everyday in Jesus.

Interesting study...

more...

It's pretty amazing what technology does... I'll be praying for these findings. I'm not sure where I stand yet. I think it's interesting. That's how God's son looked like, whom I owe my life too. Not really legitimate until Revelations 1:12-18 comes out of no where. Nothing to go crazy on because I know where I'll end up at. Pray for those who are beautiful inside, but has no clue what everlasting life means. God will work His ways on us. I have faith.

Moving on... Everything is beautiful. When a man calls a woman "cute" he's looking at her face. When he calls her "pretty" he's looking at her face. When he calls her "hot" he's looking at her body. And when he calls her beautiful, he's looking at her body. I do desire a beautiful woman of God. I was doing a little research tonight after a long night of victory in Jesus and fellowship with fellow believers. I found out 5 bold moves for today's discerning women. I came across this book by Robert Lewis (same guy who wrote Men's fraternity) it's called The New Eve. In this book he mentions 5 bold moves for today's discerning women.

Live from the Inside Out
Adopt a Biblical Definition of Womanhood
Embrace a Big Picture Perspective on Life
Live with the End in Mind
Use Wisdom with a Man

When I hear the word "beautiful", I think of women. How they're just so perfectly made by God, who's also beautiful. God is beautiful. His creation's beautiful. He created women. That makes sense. Probably not, I'm tired. I went on a long hike with a group of people. It didn't feel like I was with anyone though as they kind of just took off. I was a little turtle. Got nicknamed as the "Excursion Man" or "Expedition Man". It was quite the highlight of the hike. I was by myself 70% of the dark, cold, long hike to see the beautiful creation. This world is just perfectly made. The moon was there, the stars are somewhat there. I tried communicating with some peacocks, that was a fail. I walked, I prayed, I wasn't scared. I was alone, I wasn't thinking. I was just walking and smiling. I could've taken a wrong turn, but I found my ways.

I'm looking forward to a beautiful weekend. I won't worry about work on Monday yet. I'll let this weekend simmer. Tomorrow should be a beautiful day to clean and tidy up. Sunday is Easter!!! Yes baby! Jesus is Alive! Joy is in my heart. Super excited for that day. It's one of the best Sundays of the year. I'm sure I'll find time and effort to write again. This hasn't been smooth. I'm really exhausted. Long week, good Friday, and a joyful weekend ahead! :)

To Suffer is To Live

2010-03-31T00:24:00.000-07:00

Christians are like poop if you leave them all in one pile it stinks, but if we spread it all out and distribute it. It grows... :)

God has His way of making me think daily. I see things, I hear things, I feel things. Life is great, but I need Jesus. There's an eternity and there's more to life than driving a beamer, having a girl friend, and making bank. I don't really want to try hard to please God. I am in love and I just want to love Him with all my life. Following Jesus doesn't mean that I'll get this worldly pleasures and enjoy them. I want and will follow Jesus even if He takes it all away from me. I want to deny my family, my friends, my church, and myself. I want to just pick up my cross and follow Him. I want to do something crazy. I want to follow Him. Not because by following Him I get these perks and comfort. I want to follow Him because He's worth it to me. It's worth doing something scary and crazy.

I ask God everyday, "God help me love You more". I leave my house to work, to run errands, to hang out, to live life. I want to put Him in front of me. God as the first one that hits me as I leave my house. God as the first one I think about when I wake up and before I go to bed. God is the treasure greater than anything. I just want him to help me to love Him more. It sounds weird, but I don't want it only when I go to church or hang out with church folks. Often time I love food more than God. Often times I love sleep more than God. Often times I love the great outdoors more than Him. I want to be stronger and be able to stand strong with my faith in Him. Everyday He works in me. Everyday I question why do these people around me do things to glorify God, but it seems like they're glorifying themselves. I feel like I'm judging, and I have no right too. I see good hearts with good intentions. I can't be a judge. They're doing their part and I'm doing mine.

I was reading Philippians 3. It says that suffering characterizes a Christian. I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing His sufferings and becoming like Him through his death. The first part of Philippians 3 is having that want to know him. The second part is about His power, the power of the resurrection. Then it goes, and the fellowship of his sufferings and/or becoming like him through his death. Jesus explained in 2nd Timothy 3:12 that anyone who follows Jesus will be persecuted. Philippians 1:29 says it's granted for us not only to believe in Him, but to also suffer for His sake. I just want to remember that it's all worth it. It's so worth it. All the sufferings in this earth is okay. I will be rewarded a hundred fold.

The Gospel needs to be taught differently. And stop saying that we can add Jesus to our lives. What the Gospel teaches is that we loose our life and then we find it. Sacrifice everything and Jesus says that he offers us something better. And if we try and hold on to that old life, we try to save it, we lose it. What kind of profit do I get to gain the whole world and forfeit my soul. I just question the intentions of those who try and put Jesus in people's lives. Or if they walk with Jesus for an hour and walk with the world for half an hour.

Everyone has a story of how they met Jesus. Everyone goes through that "I'm so on fire for Christ". Crisis comes, and "Oh I'm still so on fire for Christ". Luck goes their way, and "Yea... I'm still on fire for Christ". Why does the fire fluctuate? It makes me realize that I don't want to have that desire to have that "life" that this world paints. I want to suffer. I want to be challenge and be stressed. I feel alive dealing with problems and issues. I feel alive solving things and making things happen. I'm happy to see that I'll be hanging out with awesome people in heaven when the time comes. I'm happy to hear the good news that people are saying. I'm happy to feel loved by God and that he'll bless me enough to fulfill his will.

How Long Must I Pray?

2010-03-30T01:54:00.000-07:00

I'm awake. I shouldn't be. I'm really tired, long day. It's Tuesday already. I have a meeting at 830. I got home late saying good bye to a friend. He's moving back to Chicago. I'm happy for him. He seems happy moving back to his home town and going to school over there. I wish him the best and praying that God will bless him dearly

When I left everyone I got in my car and started driving and praying at the same time. I have a prayer list in my head that I go through everyday. I prayed for 26 minutes. That's how long it took me to get home. I wasn't in a rush to get home, but I was really exhausted. I should be really sleeping right now. I prayed until I walked in my house.

I wasn't really done talking to God, but then I just stopped and didn't end it with an "amen". Strangely enough I couldn't sleep and now I'm typing on this thing worrying about waking up in time for my meeting. God knows my prayers before I even say them out loud. He knows what's up. I just want to express that to him. I wish I had a better way of praying. I wish I had more than 24 hours a day to pray to him and to worship him. For Him be the glory, right? My meeting tomorrow is for his glory. My sleep deprived body is for him. The purpose of me not getting my sleep is to write about him. He's so amazing!

Prayer... it's going to be the topic for the Station Retreat in three weeks. Even got it down to its sections (Prophet's, Psalms, Jesus, Paul's prayer). I'm excited. I'm challenged by this. My prayer life's not that amazing, but people think that I'm funny. I don't really know why. I'm spontaneous with my prayers. I say what comes to my heart. I'm not like everyone else, where they sound like they're talking at a recital, and that they're trying to be just humans who are asking for blessings from God. Sure, we're humans indeed. However, Jesus hanged out with humans too. No need to impress him with big words. Yes, He is our King. We must be careful of what to say to him, and be gentle and real. Even then, he already knows what my heart desires. Saying a prayer is just making my heart and my mind work together and my body as one; just like the Trinity. To keep him in our thoughts in a rate that goes 86,400 seconds a day would be wonderful. Even to be thinking of Him even when we're standing in line at the market, or cleaning that toilet, or riding a bike, or playing sports, or just breathing can be a prayer that our lives would be glorifying Him. That I can be that person, that man, that He wants me to be.

I pray not for myself, but for others. I think of them more than I think of myself. It may sound creepy, but I see more hurt in others than I see my own hurt. Or perhaps I'm just in denial. Sometimes I feel like that, but there are literally people out there that's suffering extremely worse than I am. I'm just going to be sleep deprived tomorrow morning and probably look forward for a nap in the mid-day somewhere, but some one out there is probably in the icu dealing with some sort of a life threatening disease or someone's out there who hasn't had anything to eat or drink in 4 days, or someone out there that's being raped or being taken advantage right now. I'm just an ordinary guy, with extra ordinary vision. It may sound extreme, but I guess I am extreme like that. I've always been. I'd always take on that killer wave, fight the biggest dude, climb the tallest tree, solve the hardest problem. I like the challenge, I just don't enjoy it when God tells me that it's not for me and then I have to move on and take on a wave and learn to love it more. Life is full of trials and errors. The ratio of error and infallible is like 324 errors to 1 infallible. Prayer keeps that ratio seem lower than it is. I just have to be firm and have the confidence that He will work it out. He always does. Jesus is alive! Amen!

Want....

2010-03-27T19:13:00.000-07:00

You can't want what you don't want while you don't want it. But you can ask to want. And if God wills the want will happen. You can want what you don't want while you don't want it. But if you can ask to want it. And if God wills, the want will happen.

Superhuman

2010-03-25T14:13:00.000-07:00

I don't really listen to pop music. My sister and I bonded yesterday. She usually gives me

attitude, but she was in a good mood yesterday. The women in my family tends to be crazy.

It's just how it is. The royal blood in me just kind of gave it away. "Daddy" (Grampa) is kind of a

big deal. "Mommy" (Gramma) had her ways. I miss them. I think they're living on the flip side.

So the children including 5 Aunties and my Papa had their ways around things. I can see it now.

My sister getting her feistiness and irrational thinking and yelling from the blood line. Oh lovely.

I'm not sure where I came from, but I don't have anything in common with any of my "fambam".

I do miss Mommy. She pretty much raised me. I should send her flowers for no reason. I used to

shower her with love through UPS presents. People think I'm crazy cause I'd spent so much for

her. If you love someone a lot, you'd spend a lot on them.

Speaking of love. I'd like to think that I've got no one, but God. I do. But I guess people care.

But for now it's just me and Jesus. God's love can't be compared to anything.I feel like a super

human everyday knowing that I know that I have something that will get me through anything.

I know that. Jesus was a superhuman and he did this to me. I am clearly seeing the change. The

cross is the reason for His great love. I can't even explain it. I just feel free even though I know

that I am limited. I am in love with God. I feel like a super human!

Scattered in a Staying Power

2010-03-22T00:27:00.000-07:00

Not exactly sure what to think right now. After a splendid Sunday at church having an appetite to work on somethings; I'm just as lost as a sheep after all. That statement probably didn't made sense. I know that I'm found, but there's something inside of me that I just can't pull it out. A drive to the cliff overlooking the ocean made me stop and think about things. Now I just have scheduled a date to just tell it all to a good brother of mine everything about me. It's not a happy story. Every second kills me in the inside. Just typing this brings tears to my eyes. It's not just a "life", it's my Life. I know that I'm important, with a purpose. I'm not like everyone who has a story. I have a soap opera inside of me that goes beyond's someone's imagination. All I wanted was for everyone to be genuinely happy, and it's just sinking in that I'm actually very lonely.

A man asked me this morning if I have had a bad day because I always smile. I said, yes. Everyday is a bad day, but I got Jesus to back me up every freaking single day. Amen. Life is hard, and life is good. "...That He might humble you and test you, to do you good in the end"- Deuteronomy 8:16. Every second that I have on this earth is valuable to me. Perhaps its unnoticeable, but I really value my time. Even though the tide's always high, I'm still threading water. I believe that everything will work out for its own good. I just have to have to start trusting people. I have faith with God, but I do need people. Solomon says in his book Ecclesiastes that "if a man falls down, his friends can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him. 4:10." It is really-really hard for a man to go and admit things that happen to him without any control at a young age. It's like opening a can of rotten olives and eating it all and swallowing it and digesting it. Cause once you finish that can and have gone through the whole thing God cleans out your system and renews you. I'll face embarrassment. I'll face the consequences of the things that I had no control of, but it just happen to be that I have to go through it. I use to have a problem of self-pity growing up. If only I've learned what I am learning now 10 years ago. I wouldn't be in this bad of a position. I don't even know where to begin. I used to just want to be like everyone else, but this year's been just a blessing and an awakening. I don't think I want to be like everyone else anymore. Oh Lord, I just want to have you in me and give me the strength to go about my days and nights and my mid-days.

Endurance. I have to have to live. A literal rendering yields the phrase "staying under". Remaining. Persevering. Holding fast. Standing firm. It's what men do, and what men are. Just being reminded by this man named Job. I just want to have breakfast with this guy. To be able to emulate his being is a major challenge that I'm willing to take on. Bring it on! I think I'm ready to face the facts and face the future. My duties are simple, I'll stop making it simpler. "And my God will provide all your needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus"- Philippians 4:19. Going back to Job, he proved himself quite apart from decorations and tributes and trophies. Job sourced his masculinity and personhood in who he was, alone and naked before God. And that makes a man out of him. I want that sense of permanence. He was strong, stable, secure, consistent throughout. What you see is what you get. I feel like if Job was alive, I'd connect with him really well. He would understand why I'm living at home. He would understand, my motto: "why I say it, I do it". I am disgusted sometimes with my worldly desires that I don't need. I don't need a nice comforter and a luxurious life. Although, God did say that we're suppose to enjoy and treat ourselves for ice cream once in a while. I feel like I can't treat myself unless I treat my family first, my friends first, my church first, my community first, my peers first, and the homeless man with a sign by the freeway. O God... I am broken. It sucks. It's making a big bang. Why? And now it's bursting out my heart- my desire.

I'm seriously nothing without my faith. This world can take it all away, but I have something that no one can ever take away from me. It's on the inside. I stuck it out. I've done some growing up. People, events, evil schemes, disasters, catastrophes can take things away from me. Things on the outside. But no one can ever take away what's on the inside-- heart, soul, character. I'm not throwing those away, but no one can ever take them away from me. Maybe I've tried getting rid of my heart and my soul. I don't think I'll ever lose my character. I'm special and I know that. Just weird and awkward and why not. I like it, I like me.

I fail a lot. It's okay. I just have to get it all back together and start all over. I think I'll be okay. It's not going to be easy, but there's definitely hope. The more I read the more I get beaten down. It's a good beat down. Boot camp type of a beat down emotionally, mentally, and spiritually is good. It means that I'm growing. And as I grow I can be efficient by sharing and teaching what I'm learning. I'm hungry, and I want more. I get it, and I will share it. Oh man... It's boundless. I just have to have the patience. It's going to be a good life. I know it will be. I'm trying to dry tears away by staying positive. There's good on this earth. I've seen it. This is not a self booster blog entry. This is a beginnings of something amazing. Every day is a beginning of something amazing. Just by looking at the massive ball we call sun rising from the east gets me go "awww I'm tired... let's boogie". Life on this earth has already been called and brought to us by God. What else can I do but to worship, thank, adore, praise, please, serve, share, and love Him. Straight up John Ram style. Because I have a heart, soul, and character!!!

1...2...3... break! :)

Past My Birthday

2010-03-15T23:24:00.000-07:00

Ever since my birthday I think the weather has been so lovely. It's been crazy lately. I've only been writing notes and just short little proses to complete my days. It seems like I have 14 day weeks and 48 hour days. I wake up twice in a day because I take naps. I like to enjoy my siesta. I'm a morning, and an evening person. Not quite a mid-day kind of a guy. I loose it in the middle of the day. I get up early to get things done, and I stay up late to get things done. Things just needs to be done. They won't just do it themselves. I pray to God everyday. I try every hour, but I still do his work. I have the hands, the feet, and the body to do so. The Holy Spirit rests upon me and I will try to follow.

I am now alive for 26 years and a few days. I'm impress. I've never had braces, nor have my wisdom teeth been taken away. I still have em'. The fact that I've been on this earth for that long is impressive. I'm not 80. I wish I am. Growing up is fun. Kids these days... they want to grow up so fast. I'd say take your time and enjoy being a kid. As this world evolves everyone is becoming more impatient daily. Things are simpler and people are becoming spoiled. Albert Einstein says "everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. To live longer is to be happier? Right? It's suppose to be. It's funny how people are more sad, when we hear or see a person pass away at an early age compared to someone with age. Is it because the future is missed? Then why do people get bummed out when they're past their mid 20's and doesn't want to get old? It's probably because they're missing something, or they missed something. There's always something that we miss. There's always something that we wish we had or we did. Why can't we just live our lives with no regrets and free. The more I see myself and this world, the more I feel like I don't belong where I'm at. I love my family and my friends the most, but what's in it for me? I'm an anomaly. I don't see these worldly things to be that important. I don't see having a magnificent career to be an important. It doesn't make sense to me to be driving a fifty thousand dollar car that eats a lot of gas. Perhaps self image matters, but I don't think Jesus gave a crap about how he looked like. He is the epitome of a human being there is. I believe

Trigonometry, I'm tutoring my brother. I feel like I have forgotten a lot of it. That's not good. I'm getting old. My brain cells aren't functioning anymore. I used to be good at math. Until I found out that there's limits and I have to derive things. I love learning. I don't like getting confuse. The little brother is almost a senior in high school and I'm gone. I cannot wait. I just want to keep building on life. Not waste time by doing irrelevant things, unless it's fun. The father of mine didn't really remember my birthday. It hurts. I actually just cried a lot when midnight came last week. There's just a lot of pain inside. It's okay. It wasn't fun, but it'll take me to the next level. At least my sister bought me a cake, my mother bought food, and my brother broke his 3 mile run by a few seconds. Overall, it was a good day for the family. I wasn't home most of the day of the anniversary of my birth. It seems to me that they don't really need my presence, they just need my salary. It sounds really bad, but that's been the story of my life. Well if that's their love language then I'm willing to show them love through "gifts".

Life's been exciting. A lot has happened. I'm playing it safe right now. I'll probably take a leap of fate later on. A few things have changed. Only way to go is to move forward and progress. I can take a moment and rest, but everything still moves even if I'm not moving. There's no pressure on my part. I try to make things right and not add into what makes people's lives a lot more complicated. Its already made simple. God made everything so that we live a great life. There shouldn't be any issues or anything. I just want to build life. I'm a man from this world. I want to work and give back to what the world has given me. Life is amazing! Perhaps there will be times when I'm down and out, but there's still plenty of small things that brings joy in my life like bubbles, flowers, fresh air, and the funny looking mold structures under a microscope. I want to eat on a public place, walk in a crowded street and get to know someone. Because I want to build a life. I'm not wasting my time on who doesn't share that interest. Let's go build lives mine, yours, and everyone else. :)

Vision

2010-03-10T02:09:00.000-08:00

"Is there anything worse than being blind? Yes, a man with sight and no vision"

- Helen Keller

I planned on writing a few days ago about something that kind of got me going. The topic, I forgot. It was something that I was really thrilled about putting up here. The days have been short. Feels like I don't have time to do anything. Or perhaps the effects of the earthquake a week ago in Chile shook this earth a little bit. My memory hasn't been the sharpest. There's just a lot going on inside my head. I forget most of them sometime.

I'm driving on the freeway the other day heading to Azusa. As I was trying to get from one freeway to another. I plan ahead. I watch carefully for cars behind me. I observe who's coming quick and who's taking their time. I make sure that the lane's clear before I switch. I can see the cars around me, but do I know what's happening on the freeway? Sure. A driver who sees things, but isn't really thinking ahead of how to get from point A to point B would end up in a big tragedy or they'll miss their exit or their junction. The Global Positioning System also knowns as GPS usually takes a few seconds to think and to decipher where exactly you're at and how far you have to turn to. What it doesn't tell you is how fast the other drivers are. Or where's this blue car going? Or what's the girl's driving record in the green car, or is that mattress on the cab look a little loose to you?

It's kind of random, but yea. ..

It's almost that time of the year. Time to look back and just be drawn to my own life. Oh joy. I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm bittersweet. It's good. I love life. I love everything about it. I learned from the past. I'm loving what's in front of me. I'm excited for the future. I actually have my manhood plan written down. It's just a 5 year plan for myself. There's God's plan, and here's my plan. I'm not going against what God's telling me to do because I am glorifying him in my plans and making myself a better servant and son. God already knew my vision.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." - Jeremiah 1:5

God's plan for life began before the world was made. Just read Genesis.

So as the day comes closer. I am just bathing in prayer and filling myself up with the words coming from my instruction manual, the bible.

Funny: How electronic gadgets and things comes with an instruction manual from the box or a bottle of lotion has instructions in the back of how to apply it. Well as human beings we have the bible as our manual. As God our creator, he wrote us a manual of how to use our lives to be able to live to the fullest and be efficient beings.

I like to stop and think for an hour or so by the beach the evening before midnight about the years I lived. I'm at a point where I'm playing it a little bit on the safe side at the moment because of responsibilities with my family and at home. I don't even think that it matters to them, but I believe it does. It seems like it does according to this world, but why give them worldly things rather than just be an example of love and truth. I'm trying. It gets me sometimes. It definitely brings tears to my eyes, but I gotta wipe those tears because I need to face things. I can't just sit and cry about it. There's decisions to be made, plans to be executed and actions to be taken. I still got sometime, but I'm not going to just sit here and wait. Well, I don't know. I can only do so much. I want to do more. I can't spread myself to thin. If I could just be amazing?

I'm not created to be a genius. Every decision is connected to a door that opens and then once that door opens I'm once again faced with a decisions to make. I don't really like the phrase "I don't know." I like to have answers. I like to be able to be there for someone or for something. I draw it out. And everything is still blurry. Prayer definitely helps, but I need to make a plan. I need to set goals and have some sort of deadlines.

I'm not created to be perfect. Accidents happen. Unfortunate events come along. I'd rather focus on the good side of things. And if I can make it work where I'm constantly thinking about Him, and also being able to take on my role as a man in this world then I'm set. Easier said than done. The plan needs to be realistic. The plan needs to be timely. I'm ready to pitch this ad and turn in my portfolio and see if I get the part or not.

I'm not created to be super. I'm only human. I walk like one. I eat like one. And I love like one. Often times I'd give up something for others. Why? I don't know. I'm an anomaly according to some people. I won't say that I'm doing what I'm only capable of doing right now because I don't know my full potential really. Who does? Ghandi once said " you must be the change you want to see this world." Enough said. If only this world would be unselfish and obedient to God? I want change. I seek change. I like being random and spontaneously doing things. I maybe radical and crazy, but I want to offer my life to you.

I'm getting a year older in less than 24 hours. Come on! I'm ready!

Go!

2010-03-05T02:25:00.000-08:00

I'm awake. The sun's not up yet. I didn't sleep well, but I'm awake. I think I'm going swimming. I'm getting fat. I read my bible and had my first cup of water. It's Friday. It's good.

"These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."- Deuteronomy 6:6-7

Great verse to start up my morning! I am awake my Lord. I'm ready to face this Friday. Busy day. Starting late, but I think I'll go ride bikes after my swim. A stop in the office to pick up some goods to distribute to clients and off I go to deliver them and perhaps grab lunch around somewhere new. I feel awake right now, but I'm sure I'll die down later by midday. Take my siesta, then go back to the lab and work on some crazy Cladosporiums and Fusariums. Great! Then I have to arrange a softball tourney that we're sponsoring as a company to get more business out of it. Oh the joys of Fridays. Just when you know that the week's over things come up. Well the week never ends. In fact everyday is a start of something new. I wake up and "bam!". Sweetness. Maybe I'll talk to someone about Jesus today. I'm going to do that. I'll be venturing to a new food place anyways somewhere in LA or the Southbay. I will add that to my to do list- to speak about these commandments to a stranger. I never know how that'll end up, but I have faith. Weird how I'm alone, yet I'm happy. I usually spend my everyday life alone. It's nice sometimes. I get to talk to the postman (Mike), the donut man (Mr. king), the boss(Randy), the uncle(Gene), the ice cream guy (Jose), the bank lady(Lydia), waiter/waitress of the day, the clients, the random dude on the sidewalk, and whoever comes along. I appreciate all the people. I can't look at the dark side of things.

I think I'm going to take a risk next week. The plan: Go to LAX, take the next flight to anywhere. Go out, stay for a day or two. Walk around, eat, shop a little, and find someone cool. Done. I think I can do it. I've done it once before, and I ended up meeting friends out. The goal: Be able to clear my head of things. The conclusion: I'll be crying, I'll be laughing, I'll be John Ram. The ending: I live to see the glory of God and to be following what he calls me to do.

Fallen February

2010-03-01T19:01:00.001-08:00

There's a lot of things to write about. The past 4 weeks or so have been tough for me. I've been under attack, under pressure, undertaken by things. I guess I'm just living "under the sun" just like what Solomon said in Ecclesiastes. This world is messed up. I'm trying to stand still and be strong. I'm working everyday to become a better man and a better Christian. I'm only human. I get attacked. I get pressured. I also get taken back by "life". The sky can only be so clear and blue. As the clouds arrive, rain pours. I see myself in sin. I see myself unworthy. I see myself being attacked and being taken advantaged. It is tough to be living in this world sometimes. Aghhh...

A lot has been going through my head lately to a point that I just get watery eyes whenever I come home from work. Maybe the hobby of being so involve of knowing how men and women relate and build relationships with each other have put me in quilt. I love learning and putting what I learn into practice. I am a gentleman. I love the company of women. I love the comradery of men. I love teaching the youngens and getting wisdom from the ones that have lived it- the good life. Question: What is the good life? Answer: "Knowing and loving God" - St. Augustine. His conception of a good life is the life of contemplation and rational understanding. Love plays a central role with Augustine's ethical theology. I agree. What we need more than anything is the infinite satisfaction that comes from the loving God. When we fail to recognize this and seek complete satisfaction in finite things we are ultimately unhappy and our unhappiness may result in harming others. All that we perceive as evil, according to Augustine, is the product of disordered love. However, St. Augustine denies the existence of evil since all things are good and God creating everything and he said that it was good, then everything must be themselves good. Fail.

Oh there's evil! And it's everywhere. It's around the corner, by the coffee shop, when it rains, when you turn on your radio, when you start your car, even sometimes when you go to church. I felt like it's just been following me around. It knows me just as much as God knows me. Yes, I am faithful to my Lord and Savior. And I am on this journey and there's all these temptations and tests that I have to go through. It sucks. I'm not the only one though. I know that. By reading the word, and just sweating in prayer and crying for forgiveness to my Father God I sense nothing. All my emotions from my younger years to my adult life caught up to me and it just all came out at once. The family pain, the self pain, and the worldly pain all hit me like a massive tsunami. It wasn't a great feeling. I reached out to others and asked for prayer and comfort. God's good for giving me a tremendous support group. I wasn't myself and people saw that and they reached out to me and I opened up. I'm just very thankful. I seek guidance and I got it, kind of. I've been too hard on myself, and I came across this passage in the bible 2nd Corinthians 7:11 "See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter". Totally blew my mind off when I read this passage. I tried getting back in rhythm. I was a mess for a few days, but life goes on. And I know that it's not over. God's forgiving.

Moving on... After all my self beating. There's hope. It's going to take baby steps to move forward, and that's the only way to go. Let's be efficient. Me, myself, and everybody that's around me can do it. There's no point of bashing at each other. I'm slowly reevaluating my views and my visions. Instead of looking at the bad, I'm just going to focus on the good. I'm not saying that I'll be ignoring the negativity, but let's make it fun and interesting. I'm on this adventure, and I know that there's great things ahead of me as long as I live it accordingly. I'll stand out even if it cost me friends and family to fall out.

...... I lost my thoughts.

The Valentines Day

2010-02-14T00:40:00.000-08:00

I've written two entries and both ended up meeting the delete button as I finish cleaning my desk. One had something to do with having Valentine's Day meeting with the Chinese New Year. It had to do with different cultures and how every place has that typical lifestyle, but the real thing is that there's only one type of lifestyle and that is the biblical way. It was two pages full of run-ons and blobs. It was getting too complicated, so I had to hit backspace until the page was back to being white again. The other entry was pretty much what every romantic, smart alec guy would say about today. Valentines day is just another day where people are reminded to treat each other with love. When love should be practiced everyday. And men doesn't need to be reminded this year to buy their women flowers, chocolate, and presents. The whole entry was just me saying just like Christmas, Valentines Day should be like an everyday thing. Appreciate our women, take extra steps to make sure that they are valuable, and let them know that they're beautiful. That was that. I couldn't make this entry anymore exciting, but to just type out loud. (tol)

Walks are great. It's relaxing and calming. I get to think, and exercise at the same time without any stress. I use to think and reflect about life when I swim, or when I'm on a bike, or when i'm on a run. However, it's just not the same when you're just not exerting any effort with your feet touching the earth. The day started early after a very long Saturday with the Song of Solomon conference and the bonfire in the evening. My eyes just open as soon as the break of light entered the room. It's Valentines Day and Chinese New Year. It's going to be a good day, and it was.

Prior to this day...

Saturday Conference/Bonfire:

Hello Mark Driscoll. Please to meet you. I am a big fan of yours. We both love God and have a passion for his word. Except you know more than I do, but that's okay. I'll catch up. Thank you for enlightening me and a few hundred people about God's interpretation of romance. I came prepared with my pen and my smart water. Let's just say that my company was amazing. Even though waking up early on a Saturday morning was like doing push ups to a slippery jello. There was breakfast, there was the freeway, there was the officer, there was downtown, there was the parking lot, there was the Orpheum, and there you were Mr. Driscoll wearing jeans and a Jesus shirt. I am done. That was a great adventure. I saw you, I heard you, and I agree with most of what you've said. Thanks for that. Now I have to go tell the single people what is up with dating as a Christian. I can share to those who are quote-on-quote dating people how to have a healthy relationship under God. I can share to those who are married how to amplify their love for each other. Only when I understand and accept to live a life that will shine God's glory in me and make me that messenger of your truth and love. We're all sinners. A sin is a sin, but a person is not like the other. Let's say I was given a cup of rice and every grain is marked with letters and numbers, and the other person's given the same set and amount. I'm not going to consume every single grain on that cup exactly in the same sequence as the other person. I look at the big picture and I get it. I look at the small picture and some branches of it are clear and some aren't quite visible. Like who could, would, should it be that person for me? I have envisioned it. Who hasn't had a dream of their wedding cake, their son's and daughter's first bible, their amazing adventure with that amazing person? The list goes on. I am in such aw of how remarkable God has put these all together. I haven't read a lot of books on these topics, and I'm just overwhelmed and I want to learn and grow from it. It's becoming a hobby of mine to do research and study men & women. We're not perfect, and so as this world. The only thing that's actually close to perfection are your words. I say close to perfection because there's so many versions of it. It's for the people to better their understanding of it, so it's only close to perfect because if there's always something to put the word "better" before it then it's not as perfect as it should be. Getting back on the ball, the day was perfect. The sun always warm things up. It just touches my heart. The nuts and bolts in my brain were tightened and my stomach full of miso soup, rice, salad, fish, vegetables, and sushi. See.. Los Angeles may have more dirt than any city around. The more you live in it, the more your immune system would actually get boosted up. No more stomach aches when you drink tap water in a third world country. In fact, I think I've been drinking tap water in all the countries that I've lived in. Key word: lived in. There were places where I've been growing up where the water's not really safe, so that's a no drink tap zone. The stranger the cantina is the more interesting the food may be. Oh the joy of trying new things. That's what separates Mark Driscoll from Francis Chan. One raised in a knife and fork home, and one raised in an chopstick home. The Station folks thought that if Mr. Driscoll and 'Uncle' Chan had a baby, it'd be me. Oh lovely indeed. Staying on topic.. I kind of have an idea now of the things that I need to work on. That is to make as much money as I can (half kidding), support my single mother and my little brother, become a philanthropist, and move on from there. Sometimes I think it's a burden, but I can't think like that anymore. I made a promise, and I'm sticking with it. And I feel more accomplished to see a smile on my mother's face and to see my brother excel and grow older. Oh Papa... See this past week I'm just really down by the fact that I'm just missing a dad. I really do miss my Papa. It's a really sensitive topic. And I cry just thinking about it. This has to move on or I'll just be writing about it and this entry would be another disaster. Mr. Driscoll, thank you. I am a man of God. God has ordered the men in the bible to lead, to be strong and responsible, to act to what you call them to do, to stay calm during a storm, to be patient and understanding, to be obedient and loyal, to work hard and be humble, to provide and give, to spread your glory and disciple others, and to love you God and to love everyone else around. If one thing is crystal clear to me now- that is my role as a man- that is of a collection of diligent men in the bible. It starts from Adam to Jesus. I am only a sinner to be saved in the power of Jesus. As I came to enjoy the day. Everything inside of me was in never ending motion. My mind was constantly working, my heart was constantly touched, my soul was constantly filled by the Holy Spirit. I tried to take a break for a little bit by the fire, but even then I was talking about the conference. I drove home that evening listening to worship music to clear my head off things. As soon as I got home, I dropped everything and got on my knees and prayed myself to sleep. God and I had to meet right there and then. I needed to just get it. It's like a vaccine. It wasn't easy. "Men don't cry" is a big lie when it comes to me. It felt good. It felt great. It was definitely draining and exhausting. I was tired, but also full of the Spirit. And that's what Saturday looked like.

... Sunday morning. I was inspired to make my mother heart shaped pancakes that didn't turn out so well. It turned out more like baby butt pancakes. I have no talent on making it look pretty, but I can sure make it taste delicious. Happy Valentines Day. Happy Chinese New Year. Happy Day. I got some siesta in today and that was like ice cream in a cone. I have to work while some has their day off for the President's day. It's okay. I can whine a little bit, but still get the work done. It's my nature sometimes to do that. My to-do list for this week has doubled from last week. I'm not sure if that's good. Perhaps I'm being a little too ambitious, but we'll see. I like a good challenge. I want to finish moving our office and the lab. Also want to spend some time with little brother maybe play ball with him sometime this week and relearn how to play the guitar, the eukelele, and the piano. In addition to reading my stack of books, and serving God's people, and taking care of myself. This will be exciting, I just have to be smarter.

I need to get a new journal. I drew dragons in the back of my journal and noticed that every 12 remaining pages of the notebook is full of doodles and pencil prints of my dream home and balderdash kind of words. I am so weird. It's ok, everyone is. This entry is what would be on my journal except with a lot more in detail and scribbles. Ready... Break! :)

Your Love is Strong

2010-02-12T01:38:00.000-08:00

I've been writing a lot and just not on here. I've typed a few sad entries in the past few days and it just won't come into completion. I think it's better to just not post them since it's incomplete and I didn't want to go back to that state again. My nasolacrimal ducts are dry now. The days come by and life goes on.

Let's see. Love. It's been the topic of the past few 2 weeks for me. I've studied it, preached it, and showed it. It's a daily thing that's happening, love is. I taught at the Station last week about love and how it matters. That was actually fun. It was never about romantic love. It's always been the love from God and our love for him and others. Just like what Jesus told his disciples in Matthew 22:36-40. Love was the greatest commandment of all. Out of tens and thousands of laws that they had to obey, these were the two that they had to just remember the most.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself." (Matt 22:37-39)

Also, I've been on this rampage of just drowning myself by watching movies that are keen to the women. I'm on this weird mode where I'm learning how to become an authentic Christian man, but also interested on what an authentic Christian woman is like. I think it goes both ways. I'm not even getting started about talking about relationships between men and women. That may come Valentines Day, since there isn't really anyone to be treated special on that day for me. But see Valentines Day isn't even suppose to be for people who have intimate relations. Sure it was made for that day, but its also a reminder that Love is present. We're not suppose to be reminded to buy our significant other flowers or to treat each other special. That should be daily factor. It doesn't have to be flowers or such, but to show that we appreciate that person everyday is a great start. I'm on 31 chick flicks out of the year, I've made a list in alphabetical order. There's a lot more to see. I can only handle whatever the number of movie totals by the end of they year. The goal was 300, but that may be pushing it.

Love! I love that word. Its' something that should be practiced everyday. Actions speak louder than words. God didn't have to tell Adam that he loves him in the beginning. He just made Adam and Eve last. He created light, the earth, water, animals, and plants before, so that Adam and Eve can live a good life. God is so generous! From the stories of Abraham, to David, to Noah, to Jesus these just show how much God loves us. Love has to happen first before anything else. We can't have faith w/o love. We can't evangelize w/o love. We can't be educated w/o love. We can't have any accomplishment w/o love. Love is the greatest! Just read 1st Corinthians 13.

The song "Your Love is Strong" made me just think about God's love. Even though life can sometimes be a distraction. It's what happens when love is around- life. I won't be here without love. I won't be this awesome w/o love. I won't have people around me w/o love. I know that sometimes people can fake love. But who cares... I don't. That's their conscience. God can work on that. I'm just going to do what I'm commanded to do and that it to show love to my neighbors even if they have forsaken me. It's fine. I still love them. Now, is forgiveness and love the same thing? I'm not sure. You can't forgive w/o love, but you can love w/o forgiving. It's a little different I guess. But for now the focus is love. love. It's amazing! It's the best feeling to be in it to be the giver or the receiver of it.

God's love is so strong. Just like the song says. God knows what I need, so why worry? I don't know. I'm not really the worried type, but I have been recently. I'm worried that I'm going to miss something exciting. I'm worried that I'm not doing a good job. I'm worried that I'm not good enough. I'm worried that I have nobody around me. I'm worried that nobody really cares. But why worry? I got my eyes fixed on Jesus, but it doesn't really help when I see destruction, I hear frustration, I feel cold, I taste bitterness, and I smell trouble. The Holy Spirit's been working in my soul and just grinding it to an extent where sometimes I want to work myself up too hard. It's a weird feeling when you just start driving quietly and you start thinking and you start praying and you just start crying and you don't even know where you're going. It's kind of fun, but also kind of sad. Oh maybe it's just me...

I'd rather be sad and be with the Lord, than be happy and not be. That doesn't make sense. I should be happy with the Lord. I am happy. I usually am. I just feel a lot of baggage on my shoulders. A lot of bags under my eyes because of me writing right now and just mumbling words out of my mouth and singing to songs that hits my core. I should restate that statement that says I'd rather be miserable and be with the Lord, than be pleasant and not be. It's okay. Life is great! It's a race and this race just started its incline. I just got a little ahead and started running it, and now I'm tired. Gotta get back into the pace that God has planned. I know he's watching and I know he's there because he loves me and I love him. That's all that matters. :)

Your Love is Strong

-Jon Foreman

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Chorus (3x):
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

(Chorus 3x)

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

10 Key Moves

2010-02-08T20:15:00.000-08:00

10 Key Moves

to make at home or at work that will take me to the next level of competency and satisfaction

I have to be able to assess and take that risk and then live with the consequence- success or failure. This applies in terms of relationships and new projects at work.

Be more understanding and forgiving to the opposite sex. Stand my ground to grow, to become a better man.

Start courting and not dating. Distrust emotions and trusts God. Withholding emotional attachment until I am ready to marry. Tend towards intellectual and spiritual and waits for physical until marriage.

Know that I can’t change anyone’s personality, but it can grow and mature. Learn to enhance that. Be able to identify with them and appreciate them for who they are.

Start putting money aside for future wife’s allowance and children’s fund. Whether I end up having a wife and a family or not, it’d be good to have a separate account for that purpose. If it doesn’t work out, it’ll go to charity.

Discipline myself more to follow a budget for my own personal life. Know the difference between needing it to wanting it.

Work with more enthusiasm. I need to go to work everyday knowing that I’m working for God’s kingdom. Being more passionate and positive with my career. “let my yes be yes and my no be no….” Matt. 5:37

Increase value at work. All my work should be the best work. I have to be more conscious and aware of the latest news in my industry of work. Staying positive would be a good starting point since the economy is down right now.

I know that everything is temporary with work and it’s a stepping-stone for a bigger picture. I got to be more personable and professional at work. Putting things into perspective and know what my next moves are going to be. To be able to win and to be able to sustain that.

I’m not only going to work, but I’ll work to be really good at it. Taking that next step to excellence. Always remembering that God is in control and not me. Also that I’m working under him is important. I just need to always be hungry for work and be able to balance it with everything else.

~John Ram

Mens Fraternity

Free Falling

2010-01-19T00:45:00.000-08:00

I fell over and over this morning when the sun was just about to arise, when thick clouds cover the sky and rain was pouring down on me. I went surfing this morning. The waves were well nourished this morning. It was early. It was cold. And it was Rad! I struggled getting back into surfing again. There was a point where I had it on probably a 5-8 feet and then I just blew it at the peak. Which is the highest point of a surf when it breaks. I was up high and just hoping my board won't break. I hit the water belly first. It sure did hurt. I was in a tumble dry for a good minute. My face was numb, and so as my hands and feet. I had it after about an hour being in the water. The wind was picking up and there was no sign of the sun. It was freezing. Thank goodness for some hot coco and a warm hot meal from Spires.

That was my morning... The rest of the day was a blur.

Here's a thought. It's free to fall, but it always cost something to rise. The force of gravity is pretty darn powerful. 9.81 meters over seconds squared is the force of gravity. Thus, the velocity keeps increasing as an object falls to the earth. Ignoring air resistance. I've taken enough Physics. I know this facts by heart. The physical matter is very distinctive. To be falling uses less energy than making something rise from the earth. Obviously, but to correlate that with life. It's a lot easier to fall down rather than lifting ourselves up.

It takes an effort to actually get our butts off the chair and make something happen. It doesn't take much effort to not do anything. It's easier to sit on the floor rather than going to go and grab a chair. It's faster to run out of money rather than to make it. It's easy to fall out of faith rather than grow into it. It's free to fall in love, but to convince that person to love you back needs some work.

It's just a thought... I'm pretty tired.

Update on me...

2010-01-17T21:14:00.000-08:00

I find peace on moments like this. When the room is quiet and all I could hear are some rain drops hitting the rooftops and sliding through my window pane. Almost all the lights are off and I feel comfortable underneath my "snuggie" and drinking me a hot cup of tea. Life is wonderful! I just need that time for myself. It's very important to me. The last time I had an early night to myself was Wednesday night. I know it hasn't been that long, but with all the actions that has happened in the past few days it seems like it's been weeks. I haven't done laundry in a week. Which also means that I haven't changed my sheets in a week. That's how life goes.

The work week is ahead and I find it such a blessing to be working right now. Even though it's been rough and business hasn't been flowing like milk and honey. I'm not complaining. I'm just praying about it. Working hard as I can even though sometimes I feel like this is not what I'm suppose to be doing. I'm gaining knowledge everyday though. Good use for the future. The structure of a house is very complicated as I have thought. It seems pretty easy to me, but there are a lot of small details that messes me up. Other than that. I enjoy sitting at work studying, talking to people, and playing w/ some equipment. I get out on the field once in a while depending on how big or difficult the house is, but usually I work behind the scenes. I don't mind working on 20 different things at a time. In fact, the busier I get the more I like it.

Here's the part where I'm just going to ramble. Every time Haiti is mention. Two things I feel right away. One is how I feel so bless to be where I'm at. The other feeling is where I think I'm going to cry and leave my friends and everyone here to go over there and help dig some people out. It breaks my heart to see one of the worst countries be destroyed by nature like that. It really puts things into perspective. That country was already in a bad condition and now it just went from bad to extreme worse. I guarantee that at this moment right now that someone's dying over there right now. I'm totally broken. I feel like we take things oh so granted here that sometimes we're not aware that there are those people in places like Haiti that don't have what we have. I want to be able to help out not just by giving money. My prayers have changed tremendously ever since the tragedy. Words don't come out anymore. I tear up, I shake, I get the goosebumps, I just fall on the floor and say "God, I know you are seeing this. I want you to change it." I try to understand the reasoning behind it. I'm not the one who's charging the creator of something hideous like killing almost two hundred thousands of people. I'm just in awe of this such event and of such powerful God he is that the rapture can just come at us in just a few seconds. Anyways, the prayers will be pouring for Haiti. I love them and hopefully they can come back from a tragedy like this.

"He gives strenght to the weary and increases the power of the weak"

-Isiah 40:29

Your Most Basic Act Of Worship

2010-01-13T20:32:00.001-08:00

Lord, I'm Yours. Whatever the cost may be, may Your will be done in my life. I realize I"m not here on earth to do my own thing, or to seek my own fulfillment or my own glory. I'm not here to indulge my desires, to increase my possessions, to impress people, to be popular, to prove I'm somebody important, or to promote myself. I'm not here even to be relevant or successful by human standards. I'm here to please You.

All that I am and all that I have I give to You.

I give You any rebellion in me, that resists doing Your will. I give You my pride and self dependence, that tell me I can do Your will in my own power if I try hard enough. I give You my fears, that tell me I'll never be able to do Your will in some areas of life. I consent to let You energize me... to create within me, moment by moment both the desire and the power to do Your will.

I give You my body and each of its members... my entire inner being: my mind, my emotional life, my will... my loved ones... my marriage or hopes for marriage...my abilities and gifts...my strengths and weaknesses....my health...my status (high or low)... my possessions... my past, my present and my future...when and how I'll go Home.

I'm here to love You, to obey You, to glorify You. O my beloved, may I be a joy to You!

31 Days of Praise... Ruth Meyers.

Frustration

2010-01-08T02:15:00.000-08:00

Frustration- def. a feeling of disappointment or defeat at being unable to accomplish onces

purpose

My head is on a verge of exploding due to frustration. I can't do anything about some things, but I can't give up. Life goes on. Maybe there's a way to solve things or there's an alternative to take a different route. I look at the big picture, and the painting looks dull. I sit and stare at afar with a blank face. I don't exactly know what I did, I'm doing and I'll be doing. I get confused by things, but it's not suppose to be that complicated. I get frustrated with people, with circumstances, with life and sometimes I'll admit that I get frustrated with God.

Jesus got frustrated with his disciples once. In Matthew 16:8-12 when Jesus warned his disciples about those Pharisees and Sadducees. However, Jesus was patient and was more involve on helping them grow. Jesus wanted to show his disciples that he's the only way and that they need to put their trust on the Lord.

Now I have faith. It's actually on fire right now. It's the small things in life where sometimes I forget that everything is in God's will. I get too busy with life that I try to make it my plans and my time. It's actually not. I trust God's will for me and I am hungry to learn so much more about him and this ways.

I get frustrated when there's a task that has to be done, and I can't do anything about it. It's that feeling of not being able to help or not being able to get what I want. Pslam 131 reminds me that there are greater matters that I have no control of. I just have to be patient and know that God has something better in store for me.

I just gotta trust and depend on the Lord. Pray that I can have more patience and understanding. It can be done. Just gotta have faith and hope. It's ok. Things happen for a reason. There's a lot more to learn and study. I'm looking forward to engaging into more in depth research and study of why I feel what I feel. I already know that I'm weird. Then why is that? I'm special in so many different levels. Everyone is special and unique. It's great.

Breakfast at Midnight

2010-01-07T00:36:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning at 455am. I stared at my grumpy alarm clock asking him why does it have to wake me up psychologically. It didn't even have to make a noise. Ahhhh... Got up did my daily devotions and ate some frosted flakes at the same time. It was a wonderful morning. The sun was about to rise and it was just perfect.

Today was good. Productive as usual. Active as usual. It was balance to where I had to go home and make breakfast at midnight. We're talking about eggs, sausage, and toast. Yes! I am living it out. Tennis matches, Pool games, Movies, and fast food were the highlight of the first Wednesday of 2010. Way to go Me!

Being up at 455 did hurt. I was sore and tired the whole day yet managed to stay awake all through out. I even played 2 and a half hours of tennis. I like a good battle. I like to compete and hopefully win. There's nothing like a good competition with friends.

Speaking of good competition. How are those Lakers losing to the Clippers. Surprised?! Not really, it's the Lakers. I love them, but sometimes they have to show work even when the opponent is not even as talented as they are.

I have a lot more insights on things, but the food in my body is telling me to go to bed. I shall do that and perhaps tomorrow brings me another adventure.

First entry 2010

2010-01-02T22:27:00.000-08:00

Here we go again; another adventure to another year. A new decade has arrived and I'm here writing a blog. Perhaps to show the world my grammar issues, my sloppy humor, and my sentimental battles of my daily living. To set things straight, I'm not writing for them to read. I'm writing for me to read. I need to release words of tension, or words of wisdom, or just words in general to make myself feel alive in this world. The purpose of me writing is not to entertain, nor to inform the things that's happening in my life. Everybody lives their own life, just like everybody poops. I just like to mumble and spit out words, and sentences that kind of make sense to me.

I like to see where I'm going. I like to see the things around me when I'm on the road. I like a good weathered sky that brings joy to my heart. I like some peace in quiet before I go to sleep. My life for 2010 starts now. I'm excited to see what it'll bring me. I'll be facing everyday with such enthusiasm and joy. There are goals to be met and promises to be kept. Oh there will be trials and sorrows, but there is also hope and faith. It's a simple equation really. I'm a man who doesn't like to complicate things. Life's "hevel" anyways, according to Solomon. I'll explain later. I just got to stay obedient to God. Follow his orders and let me lead my life by glorifying him. Done. So the word "hevel" def. fleeting (like an appearance of one's own breathe on a cold day), unsubstantial, absurd. Oh Ecclesiastes, I can't get started on it. I just love that book. I highly recommend it. I don't want to miss a beat this year. Just like I don't want to miss a rabbit shaped cloud, or a Dart Vader looking rock formation. The smallest things in life makes me smile. Well I smile all the time, so yea. hahaha...

Goals are listed and promises are made. It's all going to rock this year. I'm excited. Woohoo!!! Here's a few goals this year.

-read the bible 2010 (set a plan on reading it)

-learn a musical instrument

-get back into shape

-lead 2 people to Christ

-read some Shakespeare

-read more...

-help an old person cross the street

-ride the unicycle

-finish handicap bathroom at the shop

-finish a lot of unfinished projects

-keep my pet fish alive for more than 30 days

-stop telling people how to drive

-cook some home cook meals for friends

-date more...

-make my own ice cream

-limit some immature traits

-manage time better

-become a better leader

-become more active with the family

-become more proactive and diverse with work

-to grow uber closer to GOD!

...there's a lot more. I'm just tired. Yup! There we have it folks! Peace!

The After Christmas

2009-12-29T04:23:00.000-08:00

Life is too good that I forget to write sometimes. I get these butterflies in me whenever Christmas comes around. It's the happiest time of the year. Jesus is born. How can it get any better than that? I would rather be alone on Christmas, but there's way more people in life now that I had last year. I like it. I feel comfort both inside of me and outside of me. People making me baked goods like it was the college days. I go to parties almost everyday. I've been to six white elephants this year, and they were all great gatherings. Being free of drama, and just living a joyful less stressful life. I kind of like it. Especially when I'm surrounded with people that's just in love with life just like me. Not to spoil things, but there's always issues running through my head. It's uncontrollable, but really is ignorable. I don't want to deal with them right now. I'm just living it.

Strange Evening

2009-11-21T02:22:00.000-08:00

I don't really know where to begin this post. It's about that time. When a big tragic event happens. Something that breaks my heart, that I'd give my life for. Is it really over? Things on this earth don't last forever. Gadgets and gizmos break and relationship with fellows can only go so long until they either drop you in the middle of the dessert or they go to heaven or hell themselves (i prefer to meet them in heaven). Today felt the rain just stopped and there was a rainbow at the end of it. When all of a sudden a a tsunami hits you right on. There's no words to say since you've just been rained on. The rainbow was only to tease you that there's that tsunami coming you way. And it did...

I was blinded by the fact that the sight was pretty. The behavior was splendid. Everything was smooth. I had the weather forecast read through. There were some hits that we'rent significant enough to strike up an arm hair. The waves were calm. Everything was smooth sailing, there were laughter and some warmth in the air. Until all of a sudden the ocean pushed its way through. It got bigger and bigger until there was no land left. I was washed away. I was taken and then torn into pieces. My brain was smashed. My heart was dissolved. My limbs were taken into piece. My head was cut off. I went into a tumble dry mode where there wasn't anything I can do about it. I thought I was in control, but mother nature just took that away from me. She kicked me out and probably decided to kill me on the go.

I can't force myself to live. All I gave pure adoration and admiration for what was in front of me. Whether it's a school of fish or a palm tree, I look at it w/ joy and love. I'm speechless. It's so beautiful, that I'm afraid to speak that there might some complications. I spoke and there it was. A big disaster has happened. I don't know if I can recover from this. If I can just retract my steps and have a redo I would totally change things in a heart bit. I'm so frustrated and mad at myself. I can't always get what I want and that's it. I just can't.

I need that option to forget about it and move on. It's really hard to do that after 15 months of on and off. It still creeps around every once in a while. Tonight was good until it overheated. An old car can only be driven at a certain amount of time and distance until the radiator gives out. It was driving good tonight, until something happened and I pushed the gas a little bit until it exploded. It may not get fix or if it does it will be a pretty pricey repair. It's going to cost me a lot to fix it. And now I suffer....

Hopefully I'll be okay when I get up in the morning.

"I'm so sad... I'm so sad..."

2009-10-25T02:13:00.000-07:00

I cried... I cried... I cried... it was loud. It was very much like a 10 year old who lost his only pet dog. I am tearing up as I'm typing this blog and listening to Ingrim Michaelson . I would normally say that I don't know why I'm so sad, but that's a lie. I know exactly the things that's making me sad and cry. I'm happy on the outside, but there's really a lot of sadness and loneliness inside of me. It's painful. I don't like the feeling, but today was one of those days where I felt so compelled to just let it all loose as I park my car on the curb, a block away from my house. I put it on park and just started crying... I wasn't trying. I just cried. I was yelling and just screaming the words "i'm so sad... i'm so sad... i'm not ok... i just wna be okay..." I feel so hopeless. I am probably am hopeless. Positivity is one of my strengths. Where is it? I might as well poop blood. I sat and cried for a good 20 minutes. I put my sweatshirt on my face and bit my hoodie. I have filled up a shot glass with tears falling from my eyes. Everything just coming all at once in terms of life here in SoCal. I knew that it's never easy. I'm just so broken right now by the family, the girl, the people, the society, the culture, the world.

I lost it tonight. I lost it again and again in the car crying. Crying and screaming to the top of my lungs just giving it all. My tears are flowing like niagra falls and my body was shaking like there was an earthquake. I couldn't stop. Sad thoughts are just going back and forth on my cerebellum. It was a torture. There was nothing good happening at that moment. I kept thinking of my lost father, my out of shape career, my hopeless romance with this girl, with my car "blue" being retarded, my living situation, my family brokenness, my wasted education, my non existent credit, my money driven society, my unloving earth. There's so many things about life that are shaded by that fake joy or by that fake smile. It's really dark, and I'm trying to be a light. And it's frustrating if nobody can understand me. Sometimes I ask myself? What else do I need if I have God? The more this world is turning into something more complicated, the more we're setting more of our own rules and regulations. Sure, it does say in the bible to obey authority, but what if the authority is against peace, love, and joy of others?

I'm just so muffled. I do what a man does to pursue his woman, but the woman keeps resisting and only wants to be friends, yet she would always talk and tell me how she loves listening to me talk and just likes everything about me. I shouldn't be confused because of our past, but it's always been an ongoing thing. This woman got me bad. I shouldn't be wasting my time on it, but she's worth chasing for. I just don't understand how she can play me, and go out and meet other boys and give her number out there. Then tells me that a boy wants to hang out with her. This probably was the starting point of my tears. I became very emotional. I'm sorry. Nothing can solve this issue. I just need to get over things quickly with her. I'm so attached that I can't live a day w/o thinking about her. Then she tells me that this boy was fun, etc. I don't want to hear it, but I'm glad she's telling me. She tells me to go meet others, and I am. I'm just not giving myself out there like she is. Meeting people at the bars isn't really my type of way of meeting people. Just frustrations flow, and tears kept pouring. She'd give a random guy from a bar any time of the week, but can't give me a single minute in person. I'll just leave this one to God. I can't control people. I know that sometimes that I'm over protective, that's because I care so much and just want the best for this woman.

I'm suppose to be positive. One of my strengths is positivity. I wrote this on my big wall "THINK POSITIVE". I should, and I will. I think I have a case of depression. My therapist thinks that I'm okay, but not really. I haven't been really giving him all the details of my life. I need to set an emergency appointment w/ him, or I'm getting a new therapist. I am going to go crazy. I just want to glide on this so called "life". It's not easy being me sometimes. I brought my problems to myself. I think of those who have worse issues in the third world countries or the homeless people. I might as well just be homeless. I want to not have any wants, but just have my needs. I don't need a complete family, I don't need a girl, I don't need a car, I don't need a good credit, I don't need to be cool or hip, I don't need to go green. Does this make me sound like a loser? I doubt it. I'm going to make a legacy out of my stay here. I will spread the good news and not be picky. I'll keep myself busy even by writing on this little blog. I'm not going to waste time on this ridiculousness. I'll be smart about it, and not let my emotions get in the way. And I'll be a better man every step of the way!

"My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness"

2009-10-16T03:02:00.000-07:00

2nd Corinthians 12:7-10

Paul, the apostle to the Gentiles said:

And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in this flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me. My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecution, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

Every moment that I'm alive right now I hear this music in my ears singing to me in great joy that I am strong, yet weak at the same time. I don't feel alone anymore, yet I worry of the future sometimes. I have God, but where am I going with it? Faith, I should have right? I know. Oh sheep! I feel weak, but I act strong. What's the deal? I honestly don't know. Feels like I'm living a descent life, but it doesn't seem like it. Is there a problem? There's always a problem. And every problem has a solution. Sure... Some problems just have to pass by. They pass by right? Sure... I'm alive, I've been living for a while now. I don't know how much longer do I have in this earth-plenty. I feel powerless, yet enforcing. I feel retarder, but also genius at the same time. I feel like a poser, but also real at the same time.

I finally found out my strengths. (Clifton Strengths Finder test)

INCLUDER

DEVELOPER

WOO

EMPATHY

POSITIVITY

I'll explain what they are later...

2009-09-24T03:39:00.000-07:00

My heart hurts. Ever felt so far from what you want, yet its right there? You see it. You hear it... but I'll never make there. It's either moving away as I get close or moving aways even if I'm not trying. It teases you like it's there, but is it? I'm not sure. The sound gets louder. The view is clearer and wider. However, there's nothing there. The more you try and listen and talk, the more my heart hurts. Even though my senses feels good with it, my inside's all turning around. It wants to leave and not continue. I feel like a burned scrabble eggs.

I don't get it? Where is this going? Everything is suppose to have a reason and a purpose. I can't decipher the fact. There's a vision, but no hope. Fail. I'll pray about it. I'm sure I'll be okay. I'm not worried. But for now. I feel like pretty awful. Blah.........................................

I'm still holding on

2009-09-04T04:31:00.000-07:00

There's something lingering in my brain as the fan blows wind at my face. Woke up super early to catch the morning surf. I set my alarm for 5, but I'm already awake anyways. I got a few hours of sleep and a really bizarre dream. I feel great, but also feel like something's missing. I haven't felt this way since I lost myself thru drugs, alcohol, sex, and skate & surf. I got hit in a critical level. It's not really a great feeling. Especially when everything else is slowing down. I need something to boost me up.

I'm sitting in front of the tv now, just waisting time until I get to go take my crappy surf board out for a good surf session. There's a feeling of lost and despair in me right now. From work, to family, and friends there's just sadness. I don't like complaining, but I'm not fighting a good fight. This "thing" in my head is winning right now. The only thing that's holding me from just literally doing something eratic is Jesus. I'm holding on tight. I've got a few friends left that's there for me through thick or thin. I've got my church and my groups and ministries that brings joy to my heart. I'm starting to plan my next steps on rejuvinating this soul of mine. Here's how it looks like.

Get a dog or a pet... or something...
Go all out in NY
Plan to go to Vegas before the monht's end
Back into surfing... (like I'm about to do now)
Getting back into being more active again
Stay away from crazy girls

There's always hope to anything. I know that God has a plan. He provides and he's always watching over those who loves him so. It's not the end of the world. Even though it feels like it. I can manage. I'm a warrior. I'm the king of my own temple. I'm a friend to all. I'm also a love to all creation. Perhaps human nature tramples over things, but I have to keep my head straight and my back straight. I'm going to be okay. I've felt this way before and I've done worse. I just need to hold on. Surround myself with good people and not fall into sin. It's just going to ride well like riding a surfboard. It's just gona happen. Its going to be shaky in the beginning. Once I get it back, I'm ready to ride. I'm excited about life because I believe in myself. Now who's ready to have fun?! Cause this guy does!!! Let's party!

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so distrubed within me? Put your hope in God for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." -Psalm 43:5

"No tea, No work"

2009-09-02T02:44:00.000-07:00

That's right! I can't work w/o tea these days. I can't focus because there's really not much to focus on. My boss is depress and my work is beginning to feel that depression as well. I'm trying to optimize the business and make it function without any major spendature. The lab is set, but there's still a few pieces missing. I'm not sure if it's going to work. I'm praying about it, but it's just not meshing well with the whole picture. There's a lot going on, and there's just me and my sucking boss right now.
He's doing his part well. He's just not driven to expand and to explore different ways to grow. I'm getting a little annoyed that I'm not getting any much effort from the man that started everything. Something's going to change here soon. I'm praying about it.

It's the "-ber" month time. It's that time again... When you know that Christmas is coming and then a new year is born. I'm anxious. I was thinking about it today. When gmail wasn't working, I went out to get some ice cream today to cool out. The ice cream vendor was cool and told me that I look like a model. Thanks!? He was chill. I sat on a curb and watch cars pass by. I just realize that it's September. I decided to leave and go home early. Accidentall fell asleep and an hour later I wake up thinking that it's the end of the world. It was not a great dream. I don't even know what it was, but it put me in a bad state. I went to a feast afterwards and just enjoyed having people around. Time can go so fast. It's ridiculous. There's a lot in my head, and I wonder how much time I think about things- a lot. I really need to just relax and take things day by day. Love on God, and make him as the center of everything.
I'm okay if things aren't going my way. Even if a meteor hits me and kills me, I'm okay with that. I'm living happy and healthy. I'm thankful and I'm joyful. I couldn't ask for anything, but to see others happy. Tea is a good theraphy for my body. I don't go to work without any tea. It's like not eating anything before reading the bible. It's a good rule to live by.

Living under a Twisted Road

2009-08-28T02:02:00.000-07:00

After running out of pages out of my journal, I decided to write online instead. My entries have been sad and depressing. The black ink has been in used by adding darkness into a spread of white pages. There's been a lot of tension inside of me. It's not a crisis, I'm just stranded and lost in the middle of a "twisted road". The feeling of being alone. You see cars drive past that house, and think of what the person in the house is feeling whenever someone passes by. There's nobody around it, there's nothing close to it. Everything and everyone just goes by and passes it.

I've been busy setting up this lab at work that I keep forgetting how to set up my own life. I'm pretty easy going. I love life, and I love God. Done! It's that easy... well... kind of. The road's suppose to be straight. I expect trials on the way, but that's okay because I am trying to get ready for those. Then God throws a curve ball at me by twisting things a bit. The road that I thought was straight is now twisted.

Oh that is going to hurt. It did, and its okay. I will survive this drought. There's always a point where the road becomes straight again.

I am dead tired, and I have work tomorrow. I have a lot to prepare and a lot to do. Fall collection is coming out for wesc. I'm excited to go back and be active again. I miss my old self. Except w/o the drugs, alcohol and sex part. Party in LA for WeSC fall exposure, tomorrow at 7pm. Time to be a salt and a light to the WeSC family.

www.wesc.com

I missed the train

2009-08-19T01:59:00.000-07:00

The excitement and enthusiasm was in him when he came back from a week of leading junior high kids from camp. Hume Lake, to be exact, was the highlight of this year. The stories, the life changes, and the relationships were phenomenal. However, he gets back to just find out that the train's full and it just left. Anxiety came to him at his time at camp. The days go by and he's more convinced that he's going to catch that train and be on board. Unfortunately after all the joy and laughter from being away, the dream of embarassment was dounced by a big calf. The calf had no name. It used to be someone, until it ditched the man who tried to catch a ride.

Thinking of what to do now is certainly annoying/ depressing/ frustrating. Sitting on a train-stop waiting for nothing, yet the train lights come by like it's teasing me that there's a train coming. Oh where is it? Oh when is it coming? Now? Did I wait so long? I shold've said something to the train operator. "Miss Operator, I'd like to board this train". It was too late. The train's gone. The next train is none to be found. The signs are blurry and everyone's gone. All alone he becomes.

Dear God,

I pray that someday I find that train. I pray for those who are missing their rides. I pray that they can wait out the rain and for the storms in their lives to pass. You are heavenly Lord, it's you that keeps the trains running and the weather storming. It just makes sense that we can't always have transportations and sunshines. In you I find rest. In you I find sense. I pray for the operators, navigators, and drivers of this track. You are the light out of this tunnel, and with that I give you all my attention. I pray for the ones who are lost and missing. That may they find their rides and their stops. I ask all these in you're son's name Jesus!

Amen

Destination Hume

2009-08-09T02:11:00.000-07:00

I can't really think at this moment of anything to write. I haven't been really inspired to write anything onto this blog. Until an angel just whispered in my ear at 2:20 am and reminded me to write something...

I have to be up by 7, and supposed to be at church by 730. A six hour drive ahead and two stops to go to the bathroom and lunch break. I am thrilled for this adventure to Hume Lake. Plenty of children and a handful of leaders gather to serve one purpose and that is to glorify our God.

The tv is on, and "Atonement" is now playing. I am a little bit tired from all of my adventures, but why get tired if I can find energy on the things that surrounds me. Some of the things that makes me energize are the beautiful people, the wonders of nature, and the complex things in life. It's a sad movie it is. I don't like sad movies, but just like real life things doesn't usually the way we want. I look at it differently and say that if one is broken or missing, I will thrive to fix it or find it. Then love it, and marry it, and forever be happy till my last breathe. (What did that even mean?)

Moving back to Hume lake! I have the most admired junior higher and the worse behaved one. It will be a test for me to be able to juggle the bad one around. One rotten tomato makes the whole basket rotten as well. I am excited. I am worried. I am stressed. I will show them love and compassion. I will try to teach them the good stuff and be their leader and not be a quitter. No failures in this week's adventure. Awesome!!!

There's no more words coming out of my brain. I will miss the ones I admire and respect. I will miss the ones that I share stories with. I will miss the ones that I annoy everyday. I will miss my office that needs to be dusted. I will be missing some adventures from the southbay. I will be missing some secrets. I will be missing the dodgers winning. I will be missing that certain someone that I speak of dearly, yet always been a shadow in the dust of the dawn. I will miss fitness and everything that comes with it, ie. spin, step, and weights. I will miss Blue Steel. I will miss watching the waves come splashing by and the birds flying in sync in the sky. I basically will just miss the great LA in the next 6 days.

I am in the part of the movie when I kind of want to kill that little girl names "Brownie" or something... It's a fictional character; therefore, I may think of killing it and it should be okay? Yea!? Yea.... I don't know. I am very tired. :-<

I'll give it all to him

2009-07-24T04:39:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

I love you! I can't thank you enough for all the blessings. You are my king, my creator, and my savior. You rule over me, and everything is, for, to you. I know you're listening. I know you're watching. I know you're there all the time. The Holy Spirit is in me to the fullest. I am on my knees. I'm crying to you oh Lord. Things hasn't been easy in the past week. I pray for healing. Let my path be clear, and let the load be tolerable. Please make my worries go away, and heal my wounds before I lay. I'm about to explode, and I'm hanging on you Lord. You're the only one that's keeping me alive right now. I can't express it more by just worshipping you God. I love you Lord. Please give me a reason, today. I want to just give it all to you. I'm running this race and I know you're watching me. I want to finish first. I want to show you that I'm running this with you. I want you know that you are my inspiration to run fast. I can't make it through the finish line w/o you God. I will give everything up, with nothing in exchange because I know that you will take care of me when I see your kingdom in heaven. I don't need anything, but you Jesus.

I pray for peace. I pray for grace. I pray for guidance and prosperity. I ask all these in your sons name Jesus.

Amen

Love, John Ram

Devotion.... Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people , but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord. --Lev. 19:18

Where have I been? / (Missing pen)

2009-06-10T03:26:00.000-07:00

I think of something and "poooofff", gone. I don't know where to begin because there's probably no beginning. Everything seems so plain and simple, yet the reasons behind me not writing is more complex that it is. One reason would be just me being lazy. Another reason would be not having much time to write. I've started writing, yet they always end up unpublished nor finished. The past months or so have been difficult in finding a reason to just sit and write. It feels like loosing the pen to write something on a piece of paper.

Ever loose that pen? That favorite pen that gives off the feel good grip, but never really writes well. Did it run away or did I loose it? Did someone already picked it up or is it just misplaced somewhere? I'm not sure. Sometimes I miss the grip, but not the ink. I miss just having a pen when its needed. I tried to retract my steps and found that I have forsaken the pen. Maybe abused it by just playing with it and not taking of care of it. And now it's just kind of just lost. I tried looking for it.....

It's just gone. Snap! Other pens just don't work as well as that wonderful pen that was lost. That was irriplacable. I gues life goes on writing without a pen. Its not the same as any other writing tool.

Bottom line: I have lost the inspiration and the motivation to write. I'm not really sure what's causing it.

I'm thinking of empty thoughts

2009-04-27T23:32:00.000-07:00

I cannot begin this literature of mine. I really love to just get away and have peace in my head. Everyday is different, but also has that sense of sameness. I don't think that sentence made sense... I set my alarm on different times everday. It's very annoying. Sometimes it goes and I'm up, sometimes it goes and I don't want to get up, and sometimes I'm up before it goes. I don't know if I want regular days. I probably won't. I like that my schedule's flexible, but also staying busy at the same time. I need a vacation. I'm not sure what I need. The economy has done enough damage. I need to start writing some more. I'm reading more these days and that's odd. I use to not read, and write more. I am going through a phase, I guess.

Ahhh... I started this blog to get me typing back again.

Focus

2009-04-27T02:35:00.000-07:00

Where is my focus?

It seems like I'm loosing it... There's no idea's there's no thoughts, there's not even any effort for me to make this brain of mine to think like a machine. I feel dumb. I went to B&N two days ago and bought some books. I read the first few pages of "The Point Man", and didn't like it so I returned it immediately. I haven't gone through the others, and I'm probably going to keep them and read them later. One book's called Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and A Man called Blessed by Ted Dekker. It was recommended by a friend. We'll see how that'll go.

I have been depressed lately. I'm so thankfull and blessed for all the people around me that brings smiles to my face and joy to my heart. I'm not going to write that much, for now. I don't feel very well.

I'm not sure yet

2009-04-23T01:03:00.000-07:00

A lot of things have said and a lot have happened in the past 24 hours. I wish I can write right now, but I am in a state of tiredom. I'll continue later. Oh so there's so much more to say. I'm slowly getting the will to write again. It's good that I want to write again, but what I will be writing is not something that I'm smiling about. I've never felt in deep sadness such as right now since my parents decided to separate.

The next posting will be interesting. I wish that the past 24 hours was just a dream. I wish I didn't do it. Itook the plunge and drowned. I'm very tired and just sad. I'm listening to John Mayer and it's not working. Until then...