Thanksgiving was just another day for me. I was, am, and always will be thankful for life and everything that comes with it. I didn't celebrate it as much though as most Americans do. No turkey, no stuffing, no potatoes, no dressing... My so called family was gone. My sister was in town, we hang for while, and that was it. Mother and brother went up North for their family. I believe they had fun with all kinds of left overs they brought back. I'm happy, that they're happy.
Oh so my holidays aren't going to be as eventful as it was when 20 years ago. I have a family, who probably doesn't even know that I exist. It's not a sad story, it's just how the way things are. I try, and it always leads to passive response by those who are suppose to love me. Well, I love them. They just don't know that. It's hard. I don't exactly know how, or what to feel anymore. I must admit that I love Christmas and all these occasions where it involves family and gatherings. To not have any of it is becoming regular to me, that when I go home there's nothing but an empty red chair and a messy desk. I feel ashamed to go to someone else's celebration. I am thankful for their soft hearts and gentle touch to adopt me in. I get all in the mood for the holidays and count down the days till Santa comes to town. However in honesty, when the time comes I become unhappy. This anticipation that something great is coming has came 2010 years ago in the name of Jesus. I wish I could think like it every single day. Every single day should be a holiday. Let's celebrate life everyday and be thankful for the blessings that we get daily.
I know that I'm loved. I know that there's people out there that actually cares. I'm happy when I'm around them. Them, is a key word. Who is them? I love all of them. Yet, them can't love each other the same way as I do. There's always a division, a separation of groups. There's always someone who can't be there. There's always those who are invited and those who aren't invited. I can see, hear, and smell all of it cause I feel so much in the middle of everything. I try to set priorities, yet I still think that I spread myself too thin. And to those whom I'd love to get closer with they tend to spread themselves too much. I don't like to be categorized or grouped, but I guess that's reality. I am in annoyance of the nature of my friends and those whom I want to be friends with, but they're too busy. I wonder what happens if all the cellular devices die one day and no one can text, call, or even use an app. All I wish is for you to sit and listen as you talk. Glance at your smile, and see them pearly whites. Christmas music... is bittersweet...
I haven't written here in a while; therefore, this entry has been very enterobacterish like.
