Deer Crossing

I'm confused. I don't exactly know what I did wrong. I know I may have caused something to pinch a nerve or two, but to make a sudden decision to end something special.. It was like a surprise deer crossing the street as I'm driving 45mph on a cloudy evening and bam! Where did that come from? I don't even know where to begin to think about it. I care about this drive. God was driving this vehicle. Perhaps I've been a little bit of a back seat driver and the companion along side of me had enough of it? I don't know. It seems like I got a little obnoxious. I was really enjoying the drive. And I know it's never going to be smooth, but just like that.. She ends it over gchat with no hesitation, no emotion, no consideration...
I honestly don't know what to think right now. I've been asking the driver (Jesus), all these questions. What just happened? How am I so broken about it? I trust that You'll lead me somewhere, but where to? I love you Lord, you are on the driver seat in my vehicle. Did my companion just decided she wants out? I know that my God is the driver of her automobile as well, but did she not want to go on this adventure with me anymore? Is she changing her route, and her journey? I think I'm lost. I know that my road's been an uphill drive, and a bumpy one as well. The weather often changes as well and it really is a staggering drive, but I believe it's going to be well. God's driving, I'm listening to what He tells me. I felt good about having someone to go through this journey and then she just decided to end it? What? Now what?
It hasn't been easy. It's only been less than 48 hours. I'm still trying to be positive about this. I know that God's on our side. She's happy. I'm happy. I'll respect that. I just hit a deer. There she goes ~toodles.. I'm trying to understand. Maybe I don't need to understand. I care too much. She's too precious. She's like the cheese to my macaroni. She's like the lemon to my water. She's the jelly and I was the peanut butter. God was the whole grain wheat bread that was keeping us together. I was snarky... I was snotty? I am who I am, and nothing good came out of that... I'm learning here... The books and journals didn't help me at all. Experiencing a real deer crossing out of no where got me in this dump of phlegm and sore throat. God, you're good. I know you are! You are boiling me, the macaroni, in hot water and there's no cheese waiting anymore. You are cooling me in the refrigerator as water, and there's no lemon to flavor me. A peanut butter sandwich is still amazing, but pbj just taste so much better. Maybe I have to become the best peanut butter? Maybe I have to swell more as a macaroni? Maybe I have to be chilled first to have some lemon zest? Honesty? I'm not OK... I know I'm stubborn. God, you're still driving, but I'm not ready to lose this one yet. I'll just keep bugging you about it, and I know that you're okay about that because you are my father in heaven and I'm your stubborn son. I'm always going to try and take the wheel, and you always win. You win God. Your love for me, for her, and for everyone else. Even if I don't win her, I know that I'm in you and that I will see her in heaven and there will be no more deers and no more bumpy roads. Stampede! We don't even need a car in heaven. Because I won't need anything else.
Assessing this madness, I have not been stable. My health has been at a funk. High blood pressure at it's finest. My work performance has been slow and poor. Dishes hasn't been washed. Sleep has not come easy. I've been trying to be busy and jolly. It seems to be working, except at the end of the day when I pray it goes the other way and God tells me to focus on the bigger prize. And I keep making excuses... She's beautiful, she's pretty, she makes me smile, she makes ministry whimsy, she pushes me to become a better man of God, she's my biggest advocate, she's ambitious, she's got humor, she loves kids, she understands me, she's a good listener, she's a planner, she wants to know me, she cares, she's generous & thoughtful, she's sweet & she likes sweets, she's mature with a bit of childish, she's a visionary, she's a dreamer and a trader, she's a wonderful daughter to her parents, she's a good influence to her friends, she loves fitness, she craves growth in Christ, and she loves our Lord a lot... I don't know. I'm not wise enough to figure what's next. I read almost a whole book by Joyce Meyer in a week, and I still don't know. There's definitely positivity in my way of thinking, but it just can't come from me. I can try, try, and try... and if she just keeps on yield, yield, stop... then that's that. I haven't really fully tried yet. The deer already came out before I begin to really change gears. I can't make any assumptions, guesses, or even over think this one. It came from her, over Gchat...She doesn't want to continue this journey. OK... A nice lovely in person conversation would be nice. A more direct thorough reasoning would be good. I don't want to keep defending myself. I'm always going to be guilty, I have faults. I have flaws. I don't have everything. I can keep going on what sappy thoughts I come up with, it's just "words" according to her... And it could mean nothing at all. I can keep writing and I will. Since I can't tell anyone else, I'll just write it on here. Whoever reads this can have an idea how much I care about this woman.
Christmas is just around the corner. I actually have a list or planned a gift for her. I don't know if it can wait, it won't be a waste. That's a whole different entry. On the bright side, I am still thankful for everything. Christmas parties, white elephants, dress up parties, Fooooood, good company, happy people, coooookies, presentssss, snow, skiii, Christmas movies, etc. I still get up every morning with a lot of head ache and stuff coming out of my nose and else where. I put on my jacket and drive to wherever work I'm doing and put on this pleasant face and be Merry. I say "merry christmas" to pretty much anybody I come around to. I love my tea and I cry every time I watch Marley & Me. I don't want to be really dramatic about it. I like her. I'm always going to be liking her. It's not the end of the road. She's not going to be with another man. She's not going to fall out off the boat. She's not going anywhere. Unless these things happen, then I'm still going to fight. I'm still going to be available. I'll step back as she has requested, but I won't be a stranger. I will still be the sweet and caring person that I am. I am a gentleman, and I know how to treat a lady well. I respect her, and when she keeps telling me to stop, I will. But I won't back down. I'll just stop from where I am, unless she tells me to go take a hike... I will, but you eventually hike somewhere and turn around. That deer maybe a small, big, medium deer. But I will try and repair the vehicle and see if the vehicle is still able. God is able. I'm just someone who doesn't back down that easily. It may sting a little bit now, but it's not the end of the journey.
Deer. Thanks for crossing. I wouldn't be writing about this if the deer didn't cross. Things happen for a reason. I don't know everything. I know that I have to take care of myself. I also know that things will be okay because God loves me. Can't really out do what happened to Job from holy bible. The weather will go through, the road will be smooth, the visibility will be clear, and the vehicle will be in tip top shape. God is able. Jesus is driving. I'm here for a ride, and whether I go alone or with someone then so be it. I'll be joyful-joyful either way. It's unspeakable, this joy knowing that I am in Christ. That I am second, and He is first. It's good to remember that a child was born to save us all. That's the bigger picture. Amen.

Mid December

I woke up this morning. I am alone. The dog urinated on my carpet floor, and of course it smelled horrible. Perhaps it’s my own fault, I didn’t walk her out when she wanted too. I wanted to scold her, but when I do she discharges more urine on the carpet out of fear of being in trouble. It takes about a quarter of paper towels to try and absorb all of that micturition on the carpet. So I put her in time-out outside.

I’m writing on this word document since the internet is down. The day has been good. The rain has finally stopped. I was out running on the streets in the rain last night. It was dumb, but I needed a work out. My body was cold, but once the blood starts moving it felt good. Of course I couldn’t feel much, but to see my body smoking was quite terrific. I love being under a good cold rain. I didn’t get hypothermia, but I did get that scruffy sexy voice afterwards and a few sneezes after taking a hot bath.

Now where to begin... The past week has been a little out of control with Journey to Bethlehem going on, and all these preparations for the birthday of baby Jesus. Then also comes the end of the year/ holiday season spreadsheets, sermons, reports, projects, memos, gift lists, etc. It’s fun. I like it when a big wave of stress heads towards my way and that I can am able to do something about these things. I can’t wait for what’s next. Jingle bells are ringing, Santa’s coming! I think that once this week’s over, I’ll be more relax about things. The aftermath of all the preparation comes the parties, gatherings, events, etc. And even these could be stressful themselves. I try to be social enough to make an impact on people. I don’t care so much of what they think of me, or if they’re going to judge or critic me for being who I am. It’s okay. Let’s show them the love of Jesus. Joy oh joy!

Speaking of joy. I have been privileged enough to study the book of Job this past few weeks. Job has this unspeakable joy that is only found in the Lord Almighty. Also blessed with someone to go through this book with me. I like her. I like having God direct me on how I’m supposed to be listening and living my life. It’s not mine in the first place. There’s a few more days to go through Job, and just to read through Job’s story again has been so good timing wise. And to be studying it with somebody who’s wonderful to me has also been inspiring. It’s so good to see God working on other people. My desires of wanting more and having more and being more has transfigured to a more unselfish state.

Cold Months

The season is here. I'm living it right now. The air says it well. There may not be snow falling from the skies in my neighborhood, but the hot water still takes a while to flow through. It's cold. I wake up excited to face the day and I open the front door and there's a still sense of chills that runs through my bones. Perhaps I'm just getting old. I haven't really been that person who puts on layers and layers of clothing. I still won't do it. I just rock and suck it. It's cold.

Worry. Why do I do that a lot? I worry of what to wear because of the weather. I worry about those who are in places of poverty that doesn't have a blanket. I worry about what my boss would say if I do something efficient, but radical. I worry about how I'm going to be paying all my bills and be able to provide for my future family. I worry about the future. I worry about a girl. I worry about my family and friend's salvation. I just worry. In the book of Proverbs chapter 12 it says that "worry weigh's a person down". It does. I really shouldn't worry. I got a lecture from a friend of mine about it. She prayed for me. It dawned to me that really, God takes away my worries. I am bless to have people around me that encourages me and brings cheer to me. Even when I don't want to hear some of the things that I hear. That's probably because of my selfish desires. God takes it all. My worries, and my gladness. It's okay. I'm okay. I have Jesus. I long for Him, rather than longing for what the world tells me too. It's a struggle. It's cold, but my God is my blanket in times of worries.

I think Matthew 6 nailed it on the head. When Jesus was teaching His disciples about giving, prayer, fasting, and possessions. I'm not gifted in terms of giving. It's last on my spiritual gifts test. However, that doesn't mean that I don't give. In fact, I think I give too much to a certain point that I forget myself. Praying is key to why I'm still in a good state of mind. I am still learning so much on how to pray and what to pray for. I really value my time with God. I also don't want to come off selfish, but God knows the desires of my heart. I love praying. Whether when I'm driving, or when i'm on my knees by my bed crying to my God, or just praying for the simplest things. Praying is part of my daily routine. Fasting is something that I do often. Either by not watching tv, or not eating ice cream, to not driving. I should be fasting more, and I'm sure I will. This wheel's just going to keep rolling. Possessions. In a real world, I have plenty of stuff. I really don't like stuff, but this world keeps shoving it in my face. People seem to like stuff. Even Christian people do. I feel like I have to give someone something for them to just like me or have something fancy to be liked. Then I am reminded that I am always going to be loved by my father in heaven. Yes!

I tend to chase people and things rather than just challenge myself. I am guilty of chasing. I'd get possessive and clingy, act beggy and desperate, run around at their beck and call hoping to "win" their approval.Instead of begging. I'm learning to look for ways to get to know people more and things more. I'm done "kissing up" to people's point of view. I am confident with my views even if I'm a third culture kid. I tend to be cold sometimes, but certain people gets me to a point of compromise. There shouldn't be any more compromise when it comes to life and what the scripture says. A man of God, I am. My heart belongs to Jesus, and not to this world.

Respect. If things don't come my way, well then perhaps it's time to move on. I'm going to keep continuing building myself up. I won't be backing down on any obstacles that will hinder to what could be the best for me. These months may be cold, but it could also be as white as snow. I pray for what's best for me. And I pray that God will bring me what I need and not what I want. I will accept all the blessings and all the trials.

New Month, New Attitude

New Month! New Attitude!

Oh man... November was rough... Why does it seem like every November seems to be the coldest, darkest month of the year? Well lads, November's done. Time to decorate the house, warm up some tea, and bust out the Santa's and the deers. Everyday this month will be a celebration. Even after Christmas. I will be celebrating each day with prayer, devotions, greetings, deeds, and love. I'm done complicating things anymore. It's just going to be how it's going to be. And, if things don't go my way, then I'll go the other way. I'll just bounce around like a volleyball. There will be no more mourning and frustrations. I'm better than the sad stories and the pathetic thinking that I'm not good enough. I'm just going to own my faith, my being, my passion, and my likes. I like you... fine you don't like me. Too bad... I like this... I'll work hard to get it... oh well... I like that... I'll plan to aim it.... try again... Things of this world really consumed my life last month. My faultiness got a hold of me last month. I tried to learn and continue living from it. I'm always going to strive to be a better person.

Thanksgiving has passed, and Christmas is up next. I know I have a problem with these holidays which involve families and what not, I'm just going to have to deal with it and welcome it as it goes. It's not threatening to deal with people that you may not enjoy. It's okay. I need to learn to want to love them. They're people too. Suck it up and have a good attitude about it . Jesus is going to be born. Let's have a fiesta! It's time to sip some cider, eat cookies, and listen to some soothing Christmas music. Even if I end up being alone for Christmas & NYE. I will be okay. I have Iggy, and the Holy Spirit to chill with. Invitations will come along, I'll be praying about it and wisely pick my options. I am thankful for options. Everyday we have options. Everyday we make decisions and pick choices. Like I choose to write. Or I decided to watch tv over reading the unknown factor changes of structure of the nucleus may drive the differentiation of the cell. I choose to not not eat my french fries is a decision. I choose to take this route instead of the other. This month's going to be filled with surprises.

I'm even considering dating new frens this month. That is even an option. I'm done being closed off and busy. I will make time well spent with a lovely lady. I'm going to be better with making appointments and time management. And it's Christmas time, how can it be so hard to meet new people and say "hello". I thought I was talking to someone in the past months. Well perhaps I may be mistaken. That person seemed to be indifferent. Therefore, I shouldn't continue making that relationship work into something that is too complex for either of us. It became a one way street. And I'm always kept hanging. I'm not quite sure how long I should keep my hopes up. It's a real test of patience. I kept myself busy enough to not be drawn too much about it. It's okay. If you really like someone, then you'd make some sort of an effort to bring yourself closer to the other. I am trying really hard, and I tried ... she was perplexed and dissatisfied. I may have caused it. I am very sad to say that it's withering. It's a new month and I'm open for business. Everything's squared away. I love God, God loves me. I'm sure He's got something planned for me in terms of a woman. I'm going to continue growing as a man, and as a brother to all. Nothing sexier than a man of God who's on a mission to proclaim the gospel and be able to take on worldly things.

Back from the beginnings. Last month of the year! Let's do this baby!!! I will treasure every weekend, even though I might be working Saturdays. It's going to be a month full of activities and festivities. I'm excited to see what's ahead! I really don't want to deal of what happened in the past. I was vulnerable and weak. I feel strong and majestic even when things aren't going my way career wise. My identity is not with what I do everyday. It's how I deal with it everyday. I'm a grown man with some wisdom to discern what seems to be the best. And if not, then I will keep all the learnings and move on with life. It's not that complicated. Mine's not shallow either. It could be boring in some people's eyes, but I'm very content and semi-happy on how I live my life. I don't need to party, or to force myself to be cool. I'm just going to rock out with my tunes and get busy working on projects at work, home, and self. December is going to be nice to me. I have a feeling it's going to be a good one. Word's out, I'm out.

I am thankful for everything that this year have blessed me with. I am grateful for all the people that came into my life. I can't wait for my creative and vibrant side to shine even more this month. Oh my lanta! So many good times ahead. First I was overwhelmed, but then I'm just happy to be in a place where I know that there's always something to do. Boredom never comes to me because the simple things in life is what gets me hustling and flowing. I don't need no fancy things or a cool reputation. I'm just me. John Ram! Take me or leave me. I felt like I was left alone in the phew a lot last month. Maybe I brought that to myself, but that's that. I'm sick and tired of hearing people blaming each other. I'm going to attempt on worshiping God consistently daily and not let the devil get inside my head. I will be full of love, faith, hope, and the sense of reality that I am God's child. Therefore, I am suave. I don't need to look cool or kept well in front of people, or social media, or wherever. This is who I am. I love God, I love people.

I pray that this month will blossom to something beautiful. Amen!

Thanksgiving & YOUTH CONVENTION 2011

Thanksgiving! So good! Love is known to live during these times. The joy of having a feast comes to everyone, even to those who doesn't have a lot. I feel really blessed for knowing that my Father in heaven provides. I wrote an entry prior to this that's been opted out. I'm always boggled and curious of what could, should, would happen. I commit to my words & actions. Firm in my decisions, yet I get complicated. My thanksgiving was good. Happy to be able to part take in my family's thanksgiving lunch at my mom's. Her whole family was there; therefore, it was awkward. As much as I love awkward moments, there's something about my own family that just doesn't tune well with me. I love them all. I'm slowly getting better at dealing with them. Thanksgiving is one of those times when you thank God for family, even the weird ones. There just seems to be no face of reality within my family. Where everything has to be put under the carpet when everyone's around. Pretend that everybody likes and cares for each other. I want realness, authenticity, and unconditional love. Thanksgiving seems to make everything gravy. I don't mind it. I don't care much about what it means. But what I care about is that everybody's happy, everybody's got food in their belly, everybody's thanking everybody. Can this be a monthly thing? Can we be reminded that there's people around us that don't get a warm meal and a bed every night? Thanksgiving is an American tradition, thanksgiving should be a daily living tradition. Take away the turkey, the pies, the cranberry, and all that jazz. Let's have a meal w/ at least someone a day and give thanks.

Thanksgiving. It has been real. Grateful to be surrounded with families that I can look up to and be a good role model to my dream family. There's always a sense of loneliness during the holiday season for my part. This past thanksgiving was great, but I tend to shoot myself in the head and bring in complication and misunderstanding. Dwelling on it wouldn't be worth it. I have a problem with over caring and over thinking. To which, I would do it too much that it doesn't help me nor anybody. I look silly, and helpless. I've been boggled lately. Its okay. I was living a life that was honoring myself, rather than a life that's honoring God. I'll just let Him drive my car.

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YOUTH CONVENTION 2011

Did I say Youth?! Yeppp! San Diego CA! We were there, and back again. Theme was "I AM". Oh hello... That's what my small group's been going through from the beginning of this semester. It was definitely flattering that about 3 thousand kids came this weekend and learned and discovered who they are in Christ. Memories were made, lives were changed, and God is constantly molding us to become the best for Him. I am so proud for our students who gave their lives to Christ and rededicated their lives to live accordingly to God's word. There's so much more thoughts about this. There may be another entry in regards to Youth Convention.

Exhaustion always gets me. Another long week ahead. Christmas shopping is pretty much done. I feel good. I feel refresh. I'm excited for what's ahead. Thankful for everything! There's a lot to look forward to and there's a lot to finish and start. Change is good. It may not easy, but it makes me a better person. "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." -Gal 6:9. I can't wait for the next chapter of my life. My family & friends don't dictate the direction of my life, Jesus does.

Puzzle

Perhaps not in the best mood to write, but I have no else to talk too. Therefore, I say "hello" to this blog. It's late. It's Friday. Or maybe by the time this entry gets done it's going to be Saturday. I could just be mumbling on this blog. I don't know. I almost shaved my head today. Just didn't have any clippers with me. I feel better now after talking to a friend about Jesus, Satan, and people. Always good to go in depth w/ people who knows a thing or two on how to praise Jesus in their daily lives.

There really isn't going to be any sense of creative writing going on for this entry. I'll say it as it is. I was sad earlier and now I'm just numb. A good worship session that wowed a lot of the students. Guest speakers that came to town to greet us with their presence always puts a good word to us. It's always refining & refreshing to go through that feeling of a great worship and sermon. It always blows my mind how God works.

Empathy, never really thought it would turn against me. To feel someone's feelings can be exhausting. It's a struggle to see someone who's feeling unease. I find myself being lost within myself that I can't have joy because someone is stress, frustrated, or unhappy. I can't be happy unless they're happy. All I want is for everybody to be happy. Lessons that I need to learn. Things that I need to be praying more. Rather than letting the devil insert negative feelings and emotions inside of me. Which leads to pride, which leads to sin. Which leads to not loving thy neighbor and causing them to perhaps not love me back.

The puzzle board's huge, and there are some missing pieces to my puzzle. It's not a hard puzzle to solve, but it's a tricky one. I finally got home after a fun, long, interesting, happy, extraneous, evening. I'm boggled. I could repeat the reasons why, but it's no worth it. Time will heal, and prayers help. God's in control, not me. I have a heart to make those who know Christ be in their happy place. And if it's not working out then I get grumpy.

I woke up on the wrong side of the couch this afternoon from my nap. And just wasn't in the mood for any troubles or stress. And guess what had to happen. Phone calls from work that aren't time sensitive. It's like a blessing, but also a curse. Come to think of it, I wasn't filled w/ the Holy Spirit during those times. It is my fault. My mistake for letting things get in my head. I acted immaturely that my company is affected by it. I basically am just getting the wrong pieces to this puzzle. And it is frustrating trying to figure out a puzzle w/ the wrong pieces.

The night has been long. I'm tired and ready for bed. Thanking God for my dog for keeping me company on this long and cold night.

1 Corinthians 6:9-10, 11

This weekend has been well. I would summarize it. However, something happened... I was going through the mini feed on facebook and started crying over something that I read. It breaks my heart to see and read a student's status that says they don't want to be with God. Complete misinterpretation of the word could lead someone to hell instead of inheriting the kingdom.

"Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexual immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. " 1 Cor. 6:9-10

No doubt that God is very clear regarding these issues. He loves everybody more than anything, and to prove that in Jesus. I can't believe that an adult parent would support this student's misinterpretation of these verses. Exhaustion hits me, and tears start to fall down my lids. If only they read through it and read the next verse... "and that is what some of you were. but you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of God". verse 11...

What got me the most is that other students tried resolving the negativity on this status by writing positive comments. I love it! To see jr high students standing firm with their faith. Being their for their friends and proclaiming the gospel. It is so wonderfully written, I cried even more. Unfortunately the other side always has some response that is completely inviable against God. Perhaps they should educate themselves more by reading more of what the bible says and seeking counsel. Rather than jumping into a conclusion that God may love everybody, but sure does hate a lot of people. In which the statement itself is a contradictory. God loves everybody! Amen! He doesn't hate a lot of people. He is just. I won't go around the bible to prove anything. Because it could lead to a lot more confusion. I'm sticking w/ 1 Corinthians 6:9-11.

It is a blessing to be involve in youth ministry. To see God working in these young men & women's lives is phenomenal. I just want to praise God for letting His Spirit work on some of these kids. The devil is always just around the corner. And there's always going to be doubt and blame. We're always going to sin. Jesus dies on the cross every time we sin. We're always going to be frustrating God. However, Jesus died for our sins as a payment for all of our misbehaving. God mentioned a list of people who won't inherit the kingdom. And He give us all a chance to inherit everlasting life if we accept Him in us. He wants us all in His kingdom because being with him would be everlasting. Being in sin, is mostly temporary. I want to live an everlasting life. I want everyone to do so as well. It burdens me to see those who were in love with Christ, to walk away from Him because of what the world's got to offer. It also inspires me to see young women stepping up in their faith and praying for their friends. There is hope and I have faith. And that is it for now. Time for bed.

Road Change

My thoughts are muffled at the moment. I'm not going to lie. I had a main idea to write about this post, and I just keep getting distracted. Whether it's fatigued, the noise outside, my dog, or just the lingering thoughts about the future- the next minute, the next hour, the next day, the next week, the next month, the next year. I'm not the average ordinary dude who thinks in boxes. I like steps and procedures. And I also like random spontaneous acts of surprises. Maybe this entry could be a long muddy entry with no viscosity. That's highly unlikely to happen since I actually like structure w/ fluidity. Here goes...

Lately I've been struggling worrying a lot about the future, "will my future be good?". I often think that if I have a good future then I'll have worth and value. And I've been trying to use that as a motivation to succeed. It's definitely an insecurity based. Then I talk to God and He's telling me that there's really no room for insecurity in our lives. God's not really into natural selection when it comes to human worth. We're not turtle hatching randomly scrambling to the sea, stepping over each other into some thin margin of competitive success. We're beloved like a bride on her wedding. Adored. I don't really have to do anything to make God proud. He's already proud of me. And I keep telling myself this. It's always a good starting point.

When I get this straight, the order would be set right. But oh gosh darn.. I want to get there comfortably and faster. Then I forget what's essential. And that is love, and then comes after that is the journey. I'm still learning that I don't have to have a big future to be accepted & love. The world tells me otherwise. Rather, I am so loved and cherished by God, naturally my future will be good.

Zechariah 2:8 says we are like the apple of His eye. The apple is the pupil, that's the most sensitive part. I am likened to the most sensitive part of God. We instinctively react to protect our pupils And that's is how God feels about us because we're important to Him. So because of this, I shouldn't feel insecure about the future. This road may perhaps be long, dry, and steep. The word of God recognizes that and it'll be my fuel to get to the end of it. My feelings aren't always the best truth. My thoughts and feelings about my future right now is not the best indicator of what my future will be. God's promises are.

With respect to trusting only our present feelings, does it seem like we are moving right now? Unless we are walking, or riding in a car or other transportation, it might feel as though we are standing still But we are traveling at approximately 60,000 miles per hour through space as the Earth orbits around the Sun. Sometimes how I feel is not always the best indicator of the truth. I try to meet w/ God who keeps promises and begin to rely on Him. Psalm 1:3 says that we become like a tree that is planted by the river. It is not water by rain that falls unreliably like our feelings. That strong tree sends roots down into the solid ground and is watered by the constant, living river of God's truth.

God didn't leave me in front of these roads by myself. "For I know the plans that I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future"- Jeremiah 29:11. Yes! God is good, and He is personal. I know that God cares about what happens. All these changes, all these feelings, all these emotions. God knows all that. Because He is able to do all things, He is also able to cause His good desires to happen in our lives. He knows and wants the best for me. And He wants me to go and find that. More than that, if we trust Him simply, the outcome does not ultimately depends on me. It depends on Him.

My fear of failing is so worldly. Perhaps God wants me to fail all the time. If I have to experience the all the high's and the low's then so be it. I just need to come forwards to Him all the time because I believe that God has something good for me. I have faith that he wants to give me something good. He's got something for me in the middle of this road. I'll take faith over the law anytime.

Faith excites God. Jesus said to the woman who touched Him in Mark 5, Daughter, your faith has made you well. her faith did not have power. He had all the power. "Faith is a fuse that ignites God's dynamite. Faith does not have to be heroic. Like I'm going to walk on this road alone and self pity. God's been changing this road and making me see that I need Him, and I need to seek help from people. Regardless of how weak I think I am, I am still able to lift my arms. Even after 5 miles on this road, I feel like a rotten tomato. I would still be able to lift my arms to ask for help. My weakness is not an excuse, it is a reason for Him to help us.

All of God's gifts come to us by faith. Salvation's receive by faith. Sanctification is also by faith. the future is a gift from God by faith. Abraham believed God, He received His future by faith, and it was accounted to Him as righteousness (Romans 4:3). I keep asking God for help, but I also keep thinking that I'm not worthy. Something I learned along the way is that faith is a natural response to the character of creation. This world was made by God from things that cannot be seen. The visible world was made from that which is invisible. Hebrews 11:3 says, By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible. this is the pattern of creation-- from the invisible come the visible. When we believe in something at the invisible stage, that faith allows God to create it into something visible.

I don't know what the heck is waiting or what's on the other end of this hill that this road will lead me too. I just have to have faith that God has a plan. I'll keep walking and continue on this road. And even with its changes, my will to continue doesn't change because I have the Spirit in me. I just have to trust God, and be firm with my walk.

Ten Months After

Ten Months After

Ten Months. That's how long its been since I've written something on this blog. I write spontaneously on a notebook. It's time to go back and start on this online thing and write something that's more organized than a doodle. What do I write about? Do I write about my failure to escape Alcatraz? Do I write about my failure to run an aero/micro bio lab? Do I write about my failure to respond to my father's letter? Do I write about growing my hair and cutting it? Do I write about my heart? Do I write about failing to restore business? Do I write about this debt? Do I write about my broken heart? Do I write about being stubborn & dumb?

Short story, long. I turned 27. I saw my brother graduate from high school. I built a tree house. I moved my family out. I went to 7 weddings. I'm still single, I also met an angel. I went to Tahoe, again. I've done about fifty plus reports. I got over partying. I spent two weeks at Hume Lake. I see students get save. I baptized some of my boys. I met Blake Griffin. I had fun under the sun (Ecc. 1). I said hello to people. I said later to some people. The story of my life between February of 2011 to this day has been a joyful and frustrating at the same time. But isn't that life in general? Let's find out...

Year 2011

2011...

Well I let the month of January pass me by. I didn't do it on purpose. I have been boggled by the fact that this year would make my 10 year anniversary of being stable living here in the country of the United States of America. Unbelievable. Sure... The fact that I've traveled more than a quarter of this earth. I've actually managed to stay still in one country for more than 5 years. Incredible what divorced parents, rebel stage, and finding Jesus did to me. I'm totally changed and born again. Now comes more reason to live life to the fullest. For my life is not mine, but for my creator God Almighty.

Life can't get any worse than what is to be probably the toughest times of my adult life. Some aspects that I kind of asked for and some that just kind of came along and I had no control over. It's all part of growing up. This world can never quench my thirst for love and truth. For grace has given to me; therefore, I shall go walk on this earth with my head up high. It's just going to be fancy. I was asked what my plans were and I said that my plans is to live and survive. Sounds like a plan to me, but not to others. I live like there's no tomorrow, but I plan my life like I'll live for another 89 years. The joy of being alive is making just want to smile a lot. I'm alive. So be happy, and content. I have Jesus in me, so I'm all good in the hood. I read his words, I follow his teachings, and I try to live it out. Done.

Well it hasn't been easy. This world is evolving as we humans are. The way we are thinking is way more advance. We want more things, we can think of more things to make and to waste, we get more things to make this world complicated enough, and we just can't have enough editions and volumes of things. I love you things, but my 5 thousand dollar microscope doesn't bring goosebumps and tears to my eyes compared to when I worship my Lord. Good things comes from above, and not from the ups truck (James 1:17). The more we know the more questions there are to raise. I think the answer's all in the bible. Perhaps not the diameter of an apple pie, but the pie itself was made to bless our bodies and to give us nutrients to make more pies to use that ability to preach the word of God and to love one another. Bing! Ya. that's right.

I can't have enough enough of bible reference my daily life. Would I say that I'm on fire and that I'm in that hungry mode? Negative. I think I've passed that. I just became more calmer these days as I know that my plans are just to make sure that the bigger plans are taking place. I know it ain't going to be easy. But I'm willing to take on this hike.

Anyways, I signed up to go do an aquathlon in SF. It's a 1.5 swim from Alcatraz to the Bay, and a 7 mile run at the Golden Gate bridge. It'd be tight. I'm just worried for the run part. I can swim that easy in 50 degree water and sharks. I've only gone skiing once this season. It's all been all just cold and dry lately, not so much snow. Poo. I also have kind of quit drinking alcohol. Long story short, I will only drink it when there's a celebration going on. Like a wedding, or a birthday, or graduation, or whatever. That's all I could think of for now.