The After Christmas

Life is too good that I forget to write sometimes. I get these butterflies in me whenever Christmas comes around. It's the happiest time of the year. Jesus is born. How can it get any better than that? I would rather be alone on Christmas, but there's way more people in life now that I had last year. I like it. I feel comfort both inside of me and outside of me. People making me baked goods like it was the college days. I go to parties almost everyday. I've been to six white elephants this year, and they were all great gatherings. Being free of drama, and just living a joyful less stressful life. I kind of like it. Especially when I'm surrounded with people that's just in love with life just like me. Not to spoil things, but there's always issues running through my head. It's uncontrollable, but really is ignorable. I don't want to deal with them right now. I'm just living it.

Strange Evening

I don't really know where to begin this post. It's about that time. When a big tragic event happens. Something that breaks my heart, that I'd give my life for. Is it really over? Things on this earth don't last forever. Gadgets and gizmos break and relationship with fellows can only go so long until they either drop you in the middle of the dessert or they go to heaven or hell themselves (i prefer to meet them in heaven). Today felt the rain just stopped and there was a rainbow at the end of it. When all of a sudden a a tsunami hits you right on. There's no words to say since you've just been rained on. The rainbow was only to tease you that there's that tsunami coming you way. And it did...

I was blinded by the fact that the sight was pretty. The behavior was splendid. Everything was smooth. I had the weather forecast read through. There were some hits that we'rent significant enough to strike up an arm hair. The waves were calm. Everything was smooth sailing, there were laughter and some warmth in the air. Until all of a sudden the ocean pushed its way through. It got bigger and bigger until there was no land left. I was washed away. I was taken and then torn into pieces. My brain was smashed. My heart was dissolved. My limbs were taken into piece. My head was cut off. I went into a tumble dry mode where there wasn't anything I can do about it. I thought I was in control, but mother nature just took that away from me. She kicked me out and probably decided to kill me on the go.

I can't force myself to live. All I gave pure adoration and admiration for what was in front of me. Whether it's a school of fish or a palm tree, I look at it w/ joy and love. I'm speechless. It's so beautiful, that I'm afraid to speak that there might some complications. I spoke and there it was. A big disaster has happened. I don't know if I can recover from this. If I can just retract my steps and have a redo I would totally change things in a heart bit. I'm so frustrated and mad at myself. I can't always get what I want and that's it. I just can't.

I need that option to forget about it and move on. It's really hard to do that after 15 months of on and off. It still creeps around every once in a while. Tonight was good until it overheated. An old car can only be driven at a certain amount of time and distance until the radiator gives out. It was driving good tonight, until something happened and I pushed the gas a little bit until it exploded. It may not get fix or if it does it will be a pretty pricey repair. It's going to cost me a lot to fix it. And now I suffer....

Hopefully I'll be okay when I get up in the morning.

"I'm so sad... I'm so sad..."

I cried... I cried... I cried... it was loud. It was very much like a 10 year old who lost his only pet dog. I am tearing up as I'm typing this blog and listening to Ingrim Michaelson . I would normally say that I don't know why I'm so sad, but that's a lie. I know exactly the things that's making me sad and cry. I'm happy on the outside, but there's really a lot of sadness and loneliness inside of me. It's painful. I don't like the feeling, but today was one of those days where I felt so compelled to just let it all loose as I park my car on the curb, a block away from my house. I put it on park and just started crying... I wasn't trying. I just cried. I was yelling and just screaming the words "i'm so sad... i'm so sad... i'm not ok... i just wna be okay..." I feel so hopeless. I am probably am hopeless. Positivity is one of my strengths. Where is it? I might as well poop blood. I sat and cried for a good 20 minutes. I put my sweatshirt on my face and bit my hoodie. I have filled up a shot glass with tears falling from my eyes. Everything just coming all at once in terms of life here in SoCal. I knew that it's never easy. I'm just so broken right now by the family, the girl, the people, the society, the culture, the world.

I lost it tonight. I lost it again and again in the car crying. Crying and screaming to the top of my lungs just giving it all. My tears are flowing like niagra falls and my body was shaking like there was an earthquake. I couldn't stop. Sad thoughts are just going back and forth on my cerebellum. It was a torture. There was nothing good happening at that moment. I kept thinking of my lost father, my out of shape career, my hopeless romance with this girl, with my car "blue" being retarded, my living situation, my family brokenness, my wasted education, my non existent credit, my money driven society, my unloving earth. There's so many things about life that are shaded by that fake joy or by that fake smile. It's really dark, and I'm trying to be a light. And it's frustrating if nobody can understand me. Sometimes I ask myself? What else do I need if I have God? The more this world is turning into something more complicated, the more we're setting more of our own rules and regulations. Sure, it does say in the bible to obey authority, but what if the authority is against peace, love, and joy of others?

I'm just so muffled. I do what a man does to pursue his woman, but the woman keeps resisting and only wants to be friends, yet she would always talk and tell me how she loves listening to me talk and just likes everything about me. I shouldn't be confused because of our past, but it's always been an ongoing thing. This woman got me bad. I shouldn't be wasting my time on it, but she's worth chasing for. I just don't understand how she can play me, and go out and meet other boys and give her number out there. Then tells me that a boy wants to hang out with her. This probably was the starting point of my tears. I became very emotional. I'm sorry. Nothing can solve this issue. I just need to get over things quickly with her. I'm so attached that I can't live a day w/o thinking about her. Then she tells me that this boy was fun, etc. I don't want to hear it, but I'm glad she's telling me. She tells me to go meet others, and I am. I'm just not giving myself out there like she is. Meeting people at the bars isn't really my type of way of meeting people. Just frustrations flow, and tears kept pouring. She'd give a random guy from a bar any time of the week, but can't give me a single minute in person. I'll just leave this one to God. I can't control people. I know that sometimes that I'm over protective, that's because I care so much and just want the best for this woman.

I'm suppose to be positive. One of my strengths is positivity. I wrote this on my big wall "THINK POSITIVE". I should, and I will. I think I have a case of depression. My therapist thinks that I'm okay, but not really. I haven't been really giving him all the details of my life. I need to set an emergency appointment w/ him, or I'm getting a new therapist. I am going to go crazy. I just want to glide on this so called "life". It's not easy being me sometimes. I brought my problems to myself. I think of those who have worse issues in the third world countries or the homeless people. I might as well just be homeless. I want to not have any wants, but just have my needs. I don't need a complete family, I don't need a girl, I don't need a car, I don't need a good credit, I don't need to be cool or hip, I don't need to go green. Does this make me sound like a loser? I doubt it. I'm going to make a legacy out of my stay here. I will spread the good news and not be picky. I'll keep myself busy even by writing on this little blog. I'm not going to waste time on this ridiculousness. I'll be smart about it, and not let my emotions get in the way. And I'll be a better man every step of the way!

"My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness"

2nd Corinthians 12:7-10

Paul, the apostle to the Gentiles said:

And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in this flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me. My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecution, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

Every moment that I'm alive right now I hear this music in my ears singing to me in great joy that I am strong, yet weak at the same time. I don't feel alone anymore, yet I worry of the future sometimes. I have God, but where am I going with it? Faith, I should have right? I know. Oh sheep! I feel weak, but I act strong. What's the deal? I honestly don't know. Feels like I'm living a descent life, but it doesn't seem like it. Is there a problem? There's always a problem. And every problem has a solution. Sure... Some problems just have to pass by. They pass by right? Sure... I'm alive, I've been living for a while now. I don't know how much longer do I have in this earth-plenty. I feel powerless, yet enforcing. I feel retarder, but also genius at the same time. I feel like a poser, but also real at the same time.

I finally found out my strengths. (Clifton Strengths Finder test)

INCLUDER

DEVELOPER

WOO

EMPATHY

POSITIVITY

I'll explain what they are later...

My heart hurts. Ever felt so far from what you want, yet its right there? You see it. You hear it... but I'll never make there. It's either moving away as I get close or moving aways even if I'm not trying. It teases you like it's there, but is it? I'm not sure. The sound gets louder. The view is clearer and wider. However, there's nothing there. The more you try and listen and talk, the more my heart hurts. Even though my senses feels good with it, my inside's all turning around. It wants to leave and not continue. I feel like a burned scrabble eggs.

I don't get it? Where is this going? Everything is suppose to have a reason and a purpose. I can't decipher the fact. There's a vision, but no hope. Fail. I'll pray about it. I'm sure I'll be okay. I'm not worried. But for now. I feel like pretty awful. Blah.........................................

I'm still holding on

There's something lingering in my brain as the fan blows wind at my face. Woke up super early to catch the morning surf. I set my alarm for 5, but I'm already awake anyways. I got a few hours of sleep and a really bizarre dream. I feel great, but also feel like something's missing. I haven't felt this way since I lost myself thru drugs, alcohol, sex, and skate & surf. I got hit in a critical level. It's not really a great feeling. Especially when everything else is slowing down. I need something to boost me up.

I'm sitting in front of the tv now, just waisting time until I get to go take my crappy surf board out for a good surf session. There's a feeling of lost and despair in me right now. From work, to family, and friends there's just sadness. I don't like complaining, but I'm not fighting a good fight. This "thing" in my head is winning right now. The only thing that's holding me from just literally doing something eratic is Jesus. I'm holding on tight. I've got a few friends left that's there for me through thick or thin. I've got my church and my groups and ministries that brings joy to my heart. I'm starting to plan my next steps on rejuvinating this soul of mine. Here's how it looks like.

• Get a dog or a pet... or something...
• Go all out in NY
• Plan to go to Vegas before the monht's end
• Back into surfing... (like I'm about to do now)
• Getting back into being more active again
• Stay away from crazy girls

There's always hope to anything. I know that God has a plan. He provides and he's always watching over those who loves him so. It's not the end of the world. Even though it feels like it. I can manage. I'm a warrior. I'm the king of my own temple. I'm a friend to all. I'm also a love to all creation. Perhaps human nature tramples over things, but I have to keep my head straight and my back straight. I'm going to be okay. I've felt this way before and I've done worse. I just need to hold on. Surround myself with good people and not fall into sin. It's just going to ride well like riding a surfboard. It's just gona happen. Its going to be shaky in the beginning. Once I get it back, I'm ready to ride. I'm excited about life because I believe in myself. Now who's ready to have fun?! Cause this guy does!!! Let's party!

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so distrubed within me? Put your hope in God for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." -Psalm 43:5

"No tea, No work"

That's right! I can't work w/o tea these days. I can't focus because there's really not much to focus on. My boss is depress and my work is beginning to feel that depression as well. I'm trying to optimize the business and make it function without any major spendature. The lab is set, but there's still a few pieces missing. I'm not sure if it's going to work. I'm praying about it, but it's just not meshing well with the whole picture. There's a lot going on, and there's just me and my sucking boss right now.
He's doing his part well. He's just not driven to expand and to explore different ways to grow. I'm getting a little annoyed that I'm not getting any much effort from the man that started everything. Something's going to change here soon. I'm praying about it.

It's the "-ber" month time. It's that time again... When you know that Christmas is coming and then a new year is born. I'm anxious. I was thinking about it today. When gmail wasn't working, I went out to get some ice cream today to cool out. The ice cream vendor was cool and told me that I look like a model. Thanks!? He was chill. I sat on a curb and watch cars pass by. I just realize that it's September. I decided to leave and go home early. Accidentall fell asleep and an hour later I wake up thinking that it's the end of the world. It was not a great dream. I don't even know what it was, but it put me in a bad state. I went to a feast afterwards and just enjoyed having people around. Time can go so fast. It's ridiculous. There's a lot in my head, and I wonder how much time I think about things- a lot. I really need to just relax and take things day by day. Love on God, and make him as the center of everything.
I'm okay if things aren't going my way. Even if a meteor hits me and kills me, I'm okay with that. I'm living happy and healthy. I'm thankful and I'm joyful. I couldn't ask for anything, but to see others happy. Tea is a good theraphy for my body. I don't go to work without any tea. It's like not eating anything before reading the bible. It's a good rule to live by.

Living under a Twisted Road

After running out of pages out of my journal, I decided to write online instead. My entries have been sad and depressing. The black ink has been in used by adding darkness into a spread of white pages. There's been a lot of tension inside of me. It's not a crisis, I'm just stranded and lost in the middle of a "twisted road". The feeling of being alone. You see cars drive past that house, and think of what the person in the house is feeling whenever someone passes by. There's nobody around it, there's nothing close to it. Everything and everyone just goes by and passes it.

I've been busy setting up this lab at work that I keep forgetting how to set up my own life. I'm pretty easy going. I love life, and I love God. Done! It's that easy... well... kind of. The road's suppose to be straight. I expect trials on the way, but that's okay because I am trying to get ready for those. Then God throws a curve ball at me by twisting things a bit. The road that I thought was straight is now twisted.

Oh that is going to hurt. It did, and its okay. I will survive this drought. There's always a point where the road becomes straight again.

I am dead tired, and I have work tomorrow. I have a lot to prepare and a lot to do. Fall collection is coming out for wesc. I'm excited to go back and be active again. I miss my old self. Except w/o the drugs, alcohol and sex part. Party in LA for WeSC fall exposure, tomorrow at 7pm. Time to be a salt and a light to the WeSC family.

www.wesc.com

I missed the train

The excitement and enthusiasm was in him when he came back from a week of leading junior high kids from camp. Hume Lake, to be exact, was the highlight of this year. The stories, the life changes, and the relationships were phenomenal. However, he gets back to just find out that the train's full and it just left. Anxiety came to him at his time at camp. The days go by and he's more convinced that he's going to catch that train and be on board. Unfortunately after all the joy and laughter from being away, the dream of embarassment was dounced by a big calf. The calf had no name. It used to be someone, until it ditched the man who tried to catch a ride.

Thinking of what to do now is certainly annoying/ depressing/ frustrating. Sitting on a train-stop waiting for nothing, yet the train lights come by like it's teasing me that there's a train coming. Oh where is it? Oh when is it coming? Now? Did I wait so long? I shold've said something to the train operator. "Miss Operator, I'd like to board this train". It was too late. The train's gone. The next train is none to be found. The signs are blurry and everyone's gone. All alone he becomes.

Dear God,

I pray that someday I find that train. I pray for those who are missing their rides. I pray that they can wait out the rain and for the storms in their lives to pass. You are heavenly Lord, it's you that keeps the trains running and the weather storming. It just makes sense that we can't always have transportations and sunshines. In you I find rest. In you I find sense. I pray for the operators, navigators, and drivers of this track. You are the light out of this tunnel, and with that I give you all my attention. I pray for the ones who are lost and missing. That may they find their rides and their stops. I ask all these in you're son's name Jesus!

Amen

Destination Hume

I can't really think at this moment of anything to write. I haven't been really inspired to write anything onto this blog. Until an angel just whispered in my ear at 2:20 am and reminded me to write something...

I have to be up by 7, and supposed to be at church by 730. A six hour drive ahead and two stops to go to the bathroom and lunch break. I am thrilled for this adventure to Hume Lake. Plenty of children and a handful of leaders gather to serve one purpose and that is to glorify our God. 

The tv is on, and "Atonement" is now playing. I am a little bit tired from all of my adventures, but why get tired if I can find energy on the things that surrounds me. Some of the things that makes me energize are the beautiful people, the wonders of nature, and the complex things in life. It's a sad movie it is. I don't like sad movies, but just like real life things doesn't usually the way we want. I look at it differently and say that if one is broken or missing, I will thrive to fix it or find it. Then love it, and marry it, and forever be happy till my last breathe. (What did that even mean?)

Moving back to Hume lake! I have the most admired junior higher and the worse behaved one. It will be a test for me to be able to juggle the bad one around. One rotten tomato makes the whole basket rotten as well. I am excited. I am worried. I am stressed. I will show them love and  compassion. I will try to teach them the good stuff and be their leader and not be a quitter. No failures in this week's adventure. Awesome!!! 

There's no more words coming out of my brain. I will miss the ones I admire and respect. I will miss the ones that I share stories with. I will miss the ones that I annoy everyday. I will miss my office that needs to be dusted. I will be missing some adventures from the southbay. I will be missing some secrets. I will be missing the dodgers winning. I will be missing that certain someone that I speak of dearly, yet always been a shadow in the dust of the dawn. I will miss fitness and everything that comes with it, ie. spin, step, and weights. I will miss Blue Steel. I will miss watching the waves come splashing by and the birds flying in sync in the sky. I basically will just miss the great LA in the next 6 days.

I am in the part of the movie when I kind of want to kill that little girl names "Brownie" or something... It's a fictional character; therefore, I may think of killing it and it should be okay? Yea!? Yea.... I don't know. I am very tired.  :-<

I'll give it all to him

Dear God,

I love you! I can't thank you enough for all the blessings. You are my king, my creator, and my savior. You rule over me, and everything is, for, to you. I know you're listening. I know you're watching. I know you're there all the time. The Holy Spirit is in me to the fullest. I am on my knees. I'm crying to you oh Lord. Things hasn't been easy in the past week. I pray for healing. Let my path be clear, and let the load be tolerable. Please make my worries go away, and heal my wounds before I lay. I'm about to explode, and I'm hanging on you Lord. You're the only one that's keeping me alive right now. I can't express it more by just worshipping you God. I love you Lord. Please give me a reason, today. I want to just give it all to you. I'm running this race and I know you're watching me. I want to finish first. I want to show you that I'm running this with you. I want you know that you are my inspiration to run fast. I can't make it through the finish line w/o you God. I will give everything up, with nothing in exchange because I know that you will take care of me when I see your kingdom in heaven. I don't need anything, but you Jesus.

I pray for peace. I pray for grace. I pray for guidance and prosperity. I ask all these in your sons name Jesus.

Amen

Love, John Ram

Devotion.... Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people , but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord. --Lev. 19:18

Where have I been? / (Missing pen)

I think of something and "poooofff", gone. I don't know where to begin because there's probably no beginning. Everything seems so plain and simple, yet the reasons behind me not writing is more complex that it is. One reason would be just me being lazy. Another reason would be not having much time to write. I've started writing, yet they always end up unpublished nor finished. The past months or so have been difficult in finding a reason to just sit and write. It feels like loosing the pen to write something on a piece of paper.

Ever loose that pen? That favorite pen that gives off the feel good grip, but never really writes well. Did it run away or did I loose it? Did someone already picked it up or is it just misplaced somewhere? I'm not sure. Sometimes I miss the grip, but not the ink. I miss just having a pen when its needed. I tried to retract my steps and found that I have forsaken the pen. Maybe abused it by just playing with it and not taking of care of it. And now it's just kind of just lost. I tried looking for it.....

It's just gone. Snap! Other pens just don't work as well as that wonderful pen that was lost. That was irriplacable. I gues life goes on writing without a pen. Its not the same as any other writing tool.

Bottom line: I have lost the inspiration and the motivation to write. I'm not really sure what's causing it.

I'm thinking of empty thoughts

I cannot begin this literature of mine. I really love to just get away and have peace in my head. Everyday is different, but also has that sense of sameness. I don't think that sentence made sense... I set my alarm on different times everday. It's very annoying. Sometimes it goes and I'm up, sometimes it goes and I don't want to get up, and sometimes I'm up before it goes. I don't know if I want regular days. I probably won't. I like that my schedule's flexible, but also staying busy at the same time. I need a vacation. I'm not sure what I need. The economy has done enough damage. I need to start writing some more. I'm reading more these days and that's odd. I use to not read, and write more. I am going through a phase, I guess. 

Ahhh... I started this blog to get me typing back again. 

Focus

Where is my focus? 

It seems like I'm loosing it... There's no idea's there's no thoughts, there's not even any effort for me to make this brain of mine to think like a machine. I feel dumb. I went to B&N two days ago and bought some books. I read the first few pages of "The Point Man", and didn't like it so I returned it immediately. I haven't gone through the others, and I'm probably going to keep them and read them later. One book's called Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and A Man called Blessed by Ted Dekker. It was recommended by a friend. We'll see how that'll go. 

I have been depressed lately. I'm so thankfull and blessed for all the people around me that brings smiles to my face and joy to my heart. I'm not going to write that much, for now. I don't feel very well. 

I'm not sure yet

A lot of things have said and a lot have happened in the past 24 hours. I wish I can write right now, but I am in a state of tiredom. I'll continue later. Oh so there's so much more to say. I'm slowly getting the will to write again. It's good that I want to write again, but what I will be writing is not something that I'm smiling about. I've never felt in deep sadness such as right now since my parents decided to separate.

The next posting will be interesting. I wish that the past 24 hours was just a dream. I wish I didn't do it. Itook the plunge and drowned. I'm very tired and just sad. I'm listening to John Mayer and it's not working. Until then...

It keeps craashing...

Everytime I write something it would save then would like have an error right in the middle and I would accidentally delete the box and come back and nothing's left. WTH!? I think it's the internet. It's a big poo. 

To make this sweet and short. I have been lagging on this blog for a while. It's both because I'm lazy and also busy at the same time. The fact that business is slow, and that I just couldn't find the right tune with my life right now. I was sick 2 weeks ago and was out of the town last week. I guess it was meant to happen. I don't mind being sick, and the missions trip was totally worth going for. 

Missions Trip and all

I'm not sure where to begin. I had pneumonia and my asthma came back out of no where. I'm better now, but I feel like I have forgotten this blog. Let's start off from where I left off. 

I took on the missions trip to Alabama with a little bit of a pneumonia and a lot of asthma. We met at Journey of Faith parking lot, where I left my car and took it from there. We got t-shirts that says "bama or bust" one neon green on the way there and a red one on the way back. The parents of the kids gave us a ride to the airport and off we go. I had a backpack and a small pillow with me and that's it. I don't need to pay the extra 15 bucks to check in a luggage. I'm cool with my carry on. I guess I'm easy going. There's 21 kids including the 2 high school leaders. Then there's me and two other female leaders. Lots of folks, I know. It was good. It was smooth. We had a lay over in Houston and we flew Continental airlines. Got in late and went to Alamo to get our vans. We had a little bit of an issue at the rental place, but it all kinda went okay. We then drove around New Orlean's to go find the place we're staying in to spend the night in. We stayed in a school where most missionaries would bunk the night. It was pleasant, the boys didn't get much sleep, and we got in pretty late. The next day comes and off we go to Mcd's for breakfast. Then drove to an old church and painted it.

Alabama was fun overall. There's so many good memories from the trip and I just want to write everything down. I'm okay. I can't focus right now... 

Being Alone

I had something going on... then my interenet decided to pull tricks on me. booo wooo... I'm going to bed. I'm sick... 

I have a huge head ache. It's big-huge. Just came out of no where. Unexpected. It's not really great. You know when you have like a TON of problems and you keep expressing them or telling anyone about it, and you try to keep it all to yourself and just one night. One night it comes rushing into your brain and there's like a stampede going on in your head that it causes it to ache. Well that's what I'm feeling right now. It was so bad, that I sent my father an email. I haven't written to him for like a year and a half, I don't know where he's in or what he's doing with his life. I just asked if he can find me any connections in the poorest country that he may have been recently or wherever he thinks is best for me to go to become a missionary. Either to build a church for the unsaved, build a hospital for the sick, build a food center for the hungry, or build a shelter for the homeless or just all of the above. I want to make a difference, and I just don't feel like it's here in the US right now. I haven't made my mark yet. There' still a lot to be done, and I know my gifts and one of them is to reach out to people who needs assistance. I can do it here, but everything seems to be given to them in a silver platter and Americans just need to do something about it and not be lazy about it. In other countries, they're just born poor and die poor. Every person can do something about their lives in this continent. While others has no choice but to work at the age of four. It breaks my heart. It just does.... and it gives me a head ache just thinking about my own problems.

The fullness of this blog is me. It's been a week since this blog has begun. The feeling of writing is there, but the time to write and sit in front of my very slow computer is hindering me from doing so. Anyways, I'm trying to find every window possible. Like right now. Wow!

St. Patrick's Day just passed. I have been in a bit of a juggle. Coming from a prank battle over the weekend, to a dear friend leaving back to Germany. Work hasn't been any exciting. The economy does not look any promising. Sickness came and visit me, so now I'm coughing. My car is slightly squeaking. What else? God still loves me. I hope my own mother still loves me. I'm just glad that I have enough of what I need. I'm not sure of how long I can last living like this, but I'm sure I can be creative with whatever come up.

I cannot complain. Nope.

I have been busy... pooo 

My birthday is over....

It's over... The day is over. It's bittersweet. The feeling's mutual. I got what I wanted in a magnified way. It's a good experience. Thought a lot about things. Made new goals. Tweaked a few life plans and perhaps opened my eyes to what's really front of me. Listened to worship music like pretty much for 16 hours out of the whole 24 hour day. Crazy! I know. I feel so much in tune w/ God. I love it! Teared up a little. Actually, more like cried like a man. It's like there's bone stuck inside of me. It was hard to let everything go. Especially when your alone out in the public eyes somewhere and you're scared that people would hear you. It was quite hard. It was a lot of mix emotions. I was happy that I'm alive, also very sad if I have lived a life that has been satisfying my God. I look at the past and it seems meaningless. I'm looking at now, and I still don't feel like I deserve anything. Prayed over it like a thousand times today. I wasn't even hungry until the sun was setting and it's almost dinner time. 

"What has happened to us is a result of our evil deeds and out great guilt, and yet, our God, you have punished us less than our sins have deserved and have given us a remnant like this..."

"O Lord, God of Israel, you are righteous! We are left this day as remnant. Here we are before you in our guilt, though because of it not one of us can stand in your presence."

-Ezra 9:13,15

After a good amount of years being lost and away. I'm still accepted in heaven. Crazy!  Even though here on earth, I've been rejected by many. I am guilty for not always doing what is said. I am guilty for having the wrong desires. I have been punished by the means of unreal circumstances. But that doesn't justify anything that I've done more in the past. It's weird how I cried more of what others have done to me rather than being really saddened by the things that I've done to people. Maybe I do deserve to be alone. Maybe I deserve this weird feeling of being alone of my birthday. It was pure loneliness. The only day of the year when you're suppose to be special. I feel special everyday... But now this world has set that mentality that it's your birthday; therefore, we shall celebrate.

I guess we should celebrate our birthdays. We do celebrate Christmas. Even though Jesus was probably born around October according to resarch of those smart ones. I think, this is the last year I'll be hiding  on my birthday. Well I'd still like it to be on the down low, but I would like to have some people around me. One or two people that i know, instead of the cashier lady or the usher dude. I learned my lesson. Let's move on. I'm excited to see what's in store for me. 

Birthdays...

Oh yay, it's my birthday. It happens once a year. It's been happening for 25 years now. It's nice to celebrate life, it's just that i don't really want to feel any special at all. Selfish am I? No, I don't really care for what others feel about my birthday. I grew up having lavished parties and crazy celebrations. I get older and I'm excited to just grow older just like everybody else. Do I need to announce it to the world? I don't see the reason why, unless they ask. Do I keep it as a secret? Guilty, I am. I never think of me as important anyways. I am weird, I guess. Sure, I do certain things on my birthday. Like maybe dress nice, or give myself a nice treat. I think I'm special, but for other to think that I am special. Skepticism comes to me. It's just that, people are so nice to the birthday celebrant. What happens if it's not their birthday? Does it have to be always that it's someones birthday when they have to be treated special. Why can't we treat each other special everyday of the year. It's the day when I was born. Hurray! What happens tomorrow? I get recognized because it's my birthday? I thank those who remembers or finds out it is my birthday. Forgive me if I don't remember yours. I don't think I deserve a party right now. I don't feel accomplished. I'm not a failure,  I just have such a high standard on life. Remember when you had that 5 year goal five years ago. And now what? Sometimes things don't go your way. I've had a good layout of how I want to live my life. I went from plan A to probably plan K. No regrets, at least my plan goes all the way thru plan W. I know I have some pride issues. There we go. It's a work on progress. I'm a work on progress. 

I think me being saved and in the arms of the Father is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'd rather celebrate the day of my true baptism, May 4th of last year. I think that needs more of a recognition rather than my real birth. 

Anyways, I love my birthday. I love getting older. I'm not hiding. I prefer nothing. All I want for my birthday is for everyone to love each other and smile. It's not that complicated. It's not that hard, at least for a day. I want people smiling. Happy! Joy! If there's anyone who would be giving me presents, I don't need anything. Just support a nonprofit and be proactive feed the hungry and maybe save the lonely. Thanks! Happy Birthday to ME!!!!

I'm alive!

It's time to restart the blogging. I'm excited, so should this earth. That "cloud" seems to be excited. Let's all be excited. I'm glad that I'm writing in public again. There's no shame on this one this time. I'm not here to judge nor criticize anything nor anyone. I'm here to publicly speak out what I feel like writing or giving out my own opinion on a few things. Maybe share an experience with Jesus. Do little research on the most random thing you could imagine. Creative writing is included and probably a short summary of anything that I would've come through. And most importantly, a little bit of me in everyday of my life. 

Oh life! Oh so thankful for this gift. Probably won't be alive and kicking if it wasn't for God, then the parents, then this earth. The parents probably won't exist without both the earth and God. Earth probably won't be as beautiful as it is without the people and won't exist without God. However, God would still be there with or without the earth nor the people. How awesome is that?! Pretty awesome! 

*A little warning to whoever may read this. I like to get off tangent a lot. I like spontaneity. I go very random my brain's scattered and me writing helps me relax and go with the flow. So if you can't handle this then you can just suck it up. 

For those who doesn't know me, or knows me but doesn't know me that well, or knows me well but doesn't really want to know me well, or whoever you may be and how you're connected to me. I welcome you to my world.