"I'm so sad... I'm so sad..."

I cried... I cried... I cried... it was loud. It was very much like a 10 year old who lost his only pet dog. I am tearing up as I'm typing this blog and listening to Ingrim Michaelson . I would normally say that I don't know why I'm so sad, but that's a lie. I know exactly the things that's making me sad and cry. I'm happy on the outside, but there's really a lot of sadness and loneliness inside of me. It's painful. I don't like the feeling, but today was one of those days where I felt so compelled to just let it all loose as I park my car on the curb, a block away from my house. I put it on park and just started crying... I wasn't trying. I just cried. I was yelling and just screaming the words "i'm so sad... i'm so sad... i'm not ok... i just wna be okay..." I feel so hopeless. I am probably am hopeless. Positivity is one of my strengths. Where is it? I might as well poop blood. I sat and cried for a good 20 minutes. I put my sweatshirt on my face and bit my hoodie. I have filled up a shot glass with tears falling from my eyes. Everything just coming all at once in terms of life here in SoCal. I knew that it's never easy. I'm just so broken right now by the family, the girl, the people, the society, the culture, the world.

I lost it tonight. I lost it again and again in the car crying. Crying and screaming to the top of my lungs just giving it all. My tears are flowing like niagra falls and my body was shaking like there was an earthquake. I couldn't stop. Sad thoughts are just going back and forth on my cerebellum. It was a torture. There was nothing good happening at that moment. I kept thinking of my lost father, my out of shape career, my hopeless romance with this girl, with my car "blue" being retarded, my living situation, my family brokenness, my wasted education, my non existent credit, my money driven society, my unloving earth. There's so many things about life that are shaded by that fake joy or by that fake smile. It's really dark, and I'm trying to be a light. And it's frustrating if nobody can understand me. Sometimes I ask myself? What else do I need if I have God? The more this world is turning into something more complicated, the more we're setting more of our own rules and regulations. Sure, it does say in the bible to obey authority, but what if the authority is against peace, love, and joy of others?

I'm just so muffled. I do what a man does to pursue his woman, but the woman keeps resisting and only wants to be friends, yet she would always talk and tell me how she loves listening to me talk and just likes everything about me. I shouldn't be confused because of our past, but it's always been an ongoing thing. This woman got me bad. I shouldn't be wasting my time on it, but she's worth chasing for. I just don't understand how she can play me, and go out and meet other boys and give her number out there. Then tells me that a boy wants to hang out with her. This probably was the starting point of my tears. I became very emotional. I'm sorry. Nothing can solve this issue. I just need to get over things quickly with her. I'm so attached that I can't live a day w/o thinking about her. Then she tells me that this boy was fun, etc. I don't want to hear it, but I'm glad she's telling me. She tells me to go meet others, and I am. I'm just not giving myself out there like she is. Meeting people at the bars isn't really my type of way of meeting people. Just frustrations flow, and tears kept pouring. She'd give a random guy from a bar any time of the week, but can't give me a single minute in person. I'll just leave this one to God. I can't control people. I know that sometimes that I'm over protective, that's because I care so much and just want the best for this woman.

I'm suppose to be positive. One of my strengths is positivity. I wrote this on my big wall "THINK POSITIVE". I should, and I will. I think I have a case of depression. My therapist thinks that I'm okay, but not really. I haven't been really giving him all the details of my life. I need to set an emergency appointment w/ him, or I'm getting a new therapist. I am going to go crazy. I just want to glide on this so called "life". It's not easy being me sometimes. I brought my problems to myself. I think of those who have worse issues in the third world countries or the homeless people. I might as well just be homeless. I want to not have any wants, but just have my needs. I don't need a complete family, I don't need a girl, I don't need a car, I don't need a good credit, I don't need to be cool or hip, I don't need to go green. Does this make me sound like a loser? I doubt it. I'm going to make a legacy out of my stay here. I will spread the good news and not be picky. I'll keep myself busy even by writing on this little blog. I'm not going to waste time on this ridiculousness. I'll be smart about it, and not let my emotions get in the way. And I'll be a better man every step of the way!