December Timber

So I've been under the covers lately. Not a whole lot to say, but actually has a lot running through my head. Yes, I've gotten help by actually meeting consistently with someone weekly just to get mentored or to just talk to someone who's older and wiser. Not to mention that I'm becoming more free as the holiday season comes around.

Thanksgiving was just another day for me. I was, am, and always will be thankful for life and everything that comes with it. I didn't celebrate it as much though as most Americans do. No turkey, no stuffing, no potatoes, no dressing... My so called family was gone. My sister was in town, we hang for while, and that was it. Mother and brother went up North for their family. I believe they had fun with all kinds of left overs they brought back. I'm happy, that they're happy.

Oh so my holidays aren't going to be as eventful as it was when 20 years ago. I have a family, who probably doesn't even know that I exist. It's not a sad story, it's just how the way things are. I try, and it always leads to passive response by those who are suppose to love me. Well, I love them. They just don't know that. It's hard. I don't exactly know how, or what to feel anymore. I must admit that I love Christmas and all these occasions where it involves family and gatherings. To not have any of it is becoming regular to me, that when I go home there's nothing but an empty red chair and a messy desk. I feel ashamed to go to someone else's celebration. I am thankful for their soft hearts and gentle touch to adopt me in. I get all in the mood for the holidays and count down the days till Santa comes to town. However in honesty, when the time comes I become unhappy. This anticipation that something great is coming has came 2010 years ago in the name of Jesus. I wish I could think like it every single day. Every single day should be a holiday. Let's celebrate life everyday and be thankful for the blessings that we get daily.

I know that I'm loved. I know that there's people out there that actually cares. I'm happy when I'm around them. Them, is a key word. Who is them? I love all of them. Yet, them can't love each other the same way as I do. There's always a division, a separation of groups. There's always someone who can't be there. There's always those who are invited and those who aren't invited. I can see, hear, and smell all of it cause I feel so much in the middle of everything. I try to set priorities, yet I still think that I spread myself too thin. And to those whom I'd love to get closer with they tend to spread themselves too much. I don't like to be categorized or grouped, but I guess that's reality. I am in annoyance of the nature of my friends and those whom I want to be friends with, but they're too busy. I wonder what happens if all the cellular devices die one day and no one can text, call, or even use an app. All I wish is for you to sit and listen as you talk. Glance at your smile, and see them pearly whites. Christmas music... is bittersweet...

I haven't written here in a while; therefore, this entry has been very enterobacterish like.

No Shave November

Movember! I'm not shaving for the whole month of November for a cause.

Undo It

Sink or swim? Another race this morning. It was dark, it was wet, and it was darn cold. I knew what was coming. I'm surprised I didn't get hypothermia nor get a cold after. I was perfectly fine and even had time to shower after and look decent for church this morning. The swim was alright. The water was murky and cold. I wanted to finish well and get to shore faster than the rest of the entries. I couldn't really see who's ahead of me, I tripped and finished in 20 minutes. That wasn't so bad at all. I was just really-really cold. I finished!

Things are looking brighter, yet I feel like there will be a solar eclipse. I have been doing a lot of progress in terms of trying to become the better man in Christ. However, I am failing trying to become a better man at home and at work. It's baby steps. I know this. It's ain't going to be done over night. I won't collect all the resources over night and I won't be able to build and fix things over night. It takes a lot of patience and perseverance. I've taken steps to improve myself by having a consistent meetings with a mentor. And I've put it into action of trying to be proactive and being able to connect or reconnect with people a lot more these days. My career is on the edge right now for what it looks like to be a closing of something and hopefully a beginning of something new.

With that said, I am resigning from my job. I'm not exactly sure how things will work out, but I will be doing freelance testing, inspections, and other odd jobs to keep myself afloat for a while. While I'm trying to figure out which path I'm going to be taking.

Now this path that is laid upon me is a huge dilemma that's sitting in my heart. I haven't made any concrete decisions, yet I have made both huge steps into make something into nothing. I've drawn out the project plans, and filled out applications. I want to take all these paths all at the same time, while I'm still here. But, it is impossible to be at three or even just two places at once. I'm not married, no kids, no debt, no history of criminal records, no sickness or illness, nothing major, other than being crazy for Jesus.

I'm one and only John Ram! Sometimes I see myself with a wife, a kid, a pet fish, and a sedan. As I drive to work, I come home on a decent hour to do house choirs. I clean, water the plants, run the dishwasher, and feed the fish. I even have a project in the garage that I'm working on. Take my kid to the playground, cook dinner, and have time to go do bible study at church or lead somewhere. On the weekends, the fam bam goes out of town. Fly's a kite by the beach, have a picnic. Do a small hike w/ a stroller or a baby carrier and watch the sunset with my future wife. Sunday church comes, as I go to my ministries and she goes to her ministries, and our baby goes to the nursery. We meet for big church, and break! Luncheons, dinners, and brunches. Oh how they all sound so good....

The other view looks like I have to walk 2 km to go get water. Deal with a hundred degree weather with humidity. Live by myself with a candle stick and a can of tuna. Be happy to be reaching out the community. Trying to learn a new hobby. Instead of a project in the garage, I have a project in the main town center. I have to work hard and try to remain humane, and be normal and level headed. I'd be missing people a LOT, but I'll be making friends who can barely speak english. I have to adjust with new accents and new dialects. Love to see the smile of a small littler barrio somewhere secluded and be able to see life back in people. Life given to us by God, and only Him can take it away.

There's other views including my father, my grandma, lots of dogs, a yuppie life in the south bay, another business offer, a fine life elsewhere.... Lost train of thought... Fail.. Still be publish. lol

Beat of My Heart

Bartender! I need a drink. A strong one! Something that would calm me down. There can be something on the top shelf that will make me feel better. Just pour me a good one and let make take it in one big shot....

Of course that's not the case here. Today was one of those days that I would normally would just want to kick it back, drink, and suffer. After a long boring day at work, I get to deal with friends who aren't in particularly behaving well. In the book of James, chapter 3 verse 1-14 (I think...) It talks about us humans having an untamed tongue, yet we still need to try and make the most out of the power of words that comes out of us or the words that we keep inside of us. I feel like this past half week, I've been just attacked by the devil.

My patience is really tested. Jealousy begins to creep inside of me and I wanted things to be different. I wanted people to be more of who they are in God, and not else where. I wanted what this world is offering and I'm not getting much response from my Father in heaven. Do I have to go on my knees again because that's what I'm feeling right now. I just feel very lonely and sad. I have friends that say that they care, but the way they treat others is unacceptable for me. Then how can they be my friends?

As the day went by I've gotten more annoyed and frustrated. I almost gotten to a point of explosion and doing something stupid. I wanted trouble. I wanted a spark from the outside world to just get me going. I'm thankful that I had this experience of controlling my anger and my honest frustration.

Surprisingly, the person that I wasn't expecting to be there for me tonight showed up and he was actually very nice. Not to be extreme, but he was attentive and was a great brother. I needed that. I probably would have lost it and may have gotten a drink. I've been clean for almost three months. I feel pretty good about it. I don't need alcohol, really. It's not a necessity for me anymore. I'm comfortable for people to drink around me, I just personally don't need it.

I just never understood people today. Irrationality, rudeness, insincerity, dishonesty, unnecessary comments, and just discouraging remarks were everywhere today. Coming from close friends and to even non close friends. A day like this wants me to go back to my own self. I'm surrounded with Christian folks who has a heart, but often times gives me trouble for fun. It may be perhaps fun to them, but I am the one suffering inside here. I can't handle it all sometimes. And there's not a single person in my circle of friends who understands how I feel. I'm in the middle of this chaos. Just withstanding everything. Great!

There shouldn't be any issues or problems unless we don't think so. However, everyone around me is noticing things that I should just be oblivious to. I care too much and it has been killing me. I need to be saved in this district. I love God, and I believe in Jesus. He told me to make disciples of men. And I am... I know it's not easy, but I am also just human. I need others t step up and be in the middle with me. I don't like picking sides. I am annoyed by that. I like pretty much everyone, and that's also a problem. Take me in Lord....

I'm giving God my all. Everything.... my feelings, my emotions, my body, and my heart. I can't have someone else put a beat in my heart. You God made me;therefore, has put a beat in my heart. I can't be fooled by a woman's charm, a piece of cake, a camping trip, friends dating who knows, etc. I pray tonight and this weekend that I can just focus on my creator. Everything is going to be okay. I'm happy to see others happy, but that's never the case and I really need to realize this. I am falling behind making others happy, rather than focusing on my happiness. aaaaaagh....

I could punch a whole on the wall and feel nothing. I should sleep it off.... tomorrow's a new day and I should not have any expectations. It will be fine. I will just hand it to you God. I'll be myself and be who you made me to be. Which is awesome. Done.

Absolute

Quiet but I'm sure that there's something here.

There is....

Certainly can be here...

Proactive

Summer is pretty much done. Kids are back to school. Fall fashion line is in. The sun is setting a little earlier than normal. The breeze in the evening gets chiller as the spirit of Halloween is in the air. I find myself faced with sadness and great anxiety to what's ahead. The Lord does His will, but I am in still humanly state of perplexed syndrome that could cause to a radical and just a stupid move. There are things in line that may cause an imbalance of what the future looks like in this earth. To be more precise, it has to do with work, family, mission, and living.

I have been on this new week's resolution as the days go by. I try to improve at something daily. Whether going through that extra verse doing devotions, or drinking more water, being more creative w/ my presentation and reports, or making a random phone call to say "hello" to a stranger. I am definitely weird. That is okay. It's good to be different. I smile daily, yet there's a cloud of fear and terror that floats above me like the cloud that follows the adam's family vehicle wherever they go. Fear is good sometimes as long as face it w/ joy. Joy is the key to attaining most things. I have a fear of failing, but failing is okay. I accept the fact that failure happens. I also know that I can courageously face failure because I know it can't be completely avoided. I have joy and purpose. I am scared of that purpose due to my past and what have I become. Well as of now, I have become a man of God (or at least I would like to think so). Just gotta follow what the bible tells me.

There's something out there shiny and beautiful and there's me in here dealing with something that's already shines and is already beautiful. However, to think of going out there and seeking that challenge of adventure and discovering different ways to indulge in such could be a lei in my heart. I am intrigue of how this all will turn out. I am praying oh so dearly. I am making strides and taking steps to be a light in my community and to love those who may not even accept it. It's okay. I'm just going to love you even if you don't love me back. To love doesn't mean to be nice all the time.... haha... to love someone may involve confrontations, confessions, and revelations. Love, love, love. That's all we need right. Pshhhh...

Lately I've been that person that people use to talk to about their relationship issues. I guess I have great advice. I don't feel the pressure of courting anybody at the moment, but I do feel like everyone else around me is either getting engaged, dating, or getting rejected. Oh the story of love in terms of men and women. Just gotta know that woman's personality, strengths, and gifts. Then execute biblically and have make the drive God driven instead of "me" driving. I have God driving my car, who's driving yours? Is Jesus in the back seat? passenger? trunk? or is He not even in the car? A person asked if I would be willing to meet this girl that they have for me? And I responded by saying "sure" I love meeting new people, but to be set up is nice; however, I am not a big fan of someone telling me where the deer's rest. I know it's prideful, and it's bad. It's a problem of mine. My future wife will just be awesome and wonderful, and I'm sure she's here or there somewhere... As for now, my main focus is my God, and my mission. Other than that. I'm okay for now. :)

Here's September

Pray, pray, pray.... It is so important. I learned that I can just know so much about God, but not really know who God is. It's like if I researched and studied Kobe Bryant to his favorite ice cream, but not actually met up with him and spent time with him. Then I don't really know him, "know him". What's the point of me being productive and efficient at doing things if I'm not really taking my time to just have a relationship with God. I could read all the books scholars write, and listen to all the sermons day and night. Prayer just bakes all that in and makes a delicious baked good out of it.

I have been putting off this site just because of the fact that I don't really have a clear state of mind or even focus to sit in front of a computer and type out my thoughts. It has been sporadic. So everything goes to a small note pad by my desk or by the table. Also the time restraint was also a reason why I haven't been writing. And let's not forget procrastination and just being plain old lazy. Sometimes, I'd rather talk it out or write it out or just plainly think of it and forget about it later... I've been away a lot, and just not having the time to sit and write on this at the end of my days for the past month or so. Most of my last few entries has been short and perhaps boring. It's okay.

Change is good. It's not about what I like or what not anymore. It's what is right and where my heart is drawn towards too mostly. It's too early to state what would happen, but it involves a major change in my life. It will be a challenge, and I've been praying about it for a while now and I think I'm slowly coming into a conclusion and a more concrete plan. I just need to straighten out some fact and make appointments and make these decisions easier said than done. I'm somewhat anxious and scared. However, I kind of just gave it all up with an effort on doing something about it rather than just giving it up and not doing anything about it. With the power of the word of God, prayer and wisdom from others, I will be okay...

Hume Lake

Hume Lake baby!!!

Last week was the week boys and girls. It's when about 200 children, and students went up to camp. Most of the time God shows up whenever we seek Him. He definitely was present last week, as everything went smooth sailing this year. At least for me and my cabin, and most of the boys of IGNITE (jr high ministry). Nobody got sick, and everyone had fun and felt loved by the presence of the Holy Spirit.

This year's theme was "Excusez Mwah!?" As we live in this world where most individuals has a "me-centered" idea of life, but the truth is that we owe our lives to Jesus Christ. The theme verse from last week was 2nd Corinthians 5:14-15. "For Christ love compels us, for we are convinced that one died for all; therefore, all died. And he died for all. that those who live should not longer live for themselves, but for Him who died for them and raised again."

Hume is so good at getting kids to stand up and either give their lives to Christ or get those who already know Christ to recommit their faith. I had the most amazing conversations with some of the boys from Journey of Faith. Boy, these kids are smart and some of them really have some tough questions that even I couldn't answer. Just prayed about it. God has the answers.

...... Pause......

Overall Hume Lake probably was a highlight for the summer of 2010. I am amazed of what these students will do to this earth in the next years to come. All that said, I am happy to just see walls getting broken down, and for God speaking to the majority of the young dudes in Meadow Ranch.

Pier to Pier

Sun shines and I'm up before my alarm goes off. Grabbed a couple of bananas, packed my bags and went to go meet up a friend as he's about to help me conquer this beautiful ocean swim from the Hermosa pier to the Manhattan Pier. It's about 2.2-2.6 miles depending on how straight you swim it.

Done! I finished a little under an hour. Not bad for not swimming at all this summer. There was a little bit of a north swell which definitely helped everyone with their times. Last year's swim, we had the south swell which was really frustrating. But this year we had the temperature drop probably 5-10 degrees cooler than last year. It was definitely the coldest race I've done in years. People were being pulled out because they just couldn't deal with the cold.

I missed the registration, so I didn't get a t-shirt this year. I know, I still jumped in there. It's just a tradition. It's my 6th year doing it, so I can't skip now. I need to get back in shape again, I miss it.

Ignite Missions Trip

Grand Canyon, Arizona...

God is Good!

A week or 2 ago... We took 15 junior high kids to a 13 hour drive to Kayenta, AZ to serve in a reservation. There we did VBS (Vacation Bible School) in the morning and did service projects in the afternoon. The kids definitely stepped up during vbs, and just loving on these Navajo kids. Ignite found me a daughter and a son. I was very attached to these two kids that my daughter wouldn't let go every time it's time for her to go home. And my son would just talk to me all the time about how he likes girls and he's only 4. He could totally be my son. We picked them up and dropped them off everyday. And some of them live in the middle of nowhere. About a mile or two driving in a dirt path just to head to their house. There's no freeway exits, it's just a random whole on the side of the rode that leads to a house or a "hovan" as they call it. These kids that we served too were amazing. They're so precious and so lucky to not be living in a city. They're happy with what they have. They don't need an xbox or an iphone to be happy. They just need their farm animals, their sticks and stone and their family members to play with. Our theme for the week was bible super heroes. We talked about Moses, David, Jonah, and Daniel. The kids did a really great job presenting to the Navajo kids; what its like to be a Christ follower and to be a loving and obedient individuals. It was just fun times!

Where's Harry? The first day of vbs, we tried to get to every home with kids to attend vbs. Then came this older kid named Harry. His dad dropped him off around 2pm and vbs ends at 1. I told him to come back the next day or I'll pick him up wherever he lived. So the next day comes along. I thought I was at the right house as I recognize his father and the truck that dropped him off at the church. Well every morning I go to Harry's house and this woman in the window, sleeping, would just give us that early morning look and would go back to bed. Then comes Harry's dad from the closed garage door just rolling up really fast and loud telling us that Harry's not home. Every morning, I'd come by and wake up that lady. Every morning I try to find Harry and tried to make sure that I'm not missing an opportunity to have this kid in vbs. I still miss Harry up to this date. I won't stop finding Harry from Black Mesa, Arizona.

The project works were a bit intense especially for junior high age from the beach cities. We had to clear out the outside and made the place look clean and sweet. I was basically contracting kids to do certain task. There were several projects added to what we're supposed to be doing. Not everything got taken care of, but majority of it was made fine. From the playground (big adventure), to the walk way/steps, to the secret garden, to the painting, and even electrical stuff, the kids were so good at working hard for God and maybe to be compensated with a little bit of Sonics. We don't really have Sonics around the South Bay, so we went to Sonics for dinner like twice that whole week. It was sad.. I was working a lot outside w/o a shirt and so I got super black. There was this one morning where we had to pick up rocks in the middle of the jungle. It was extreme off roding and that was rough, but fun.

We rescued a puppy, which we named "iggy". She looks like a half retriever, half shepherd. There's photos of her on facebook. She's pretty much a blessing to everyone. She reminds us of the reservation. Iggy is a legend. I love her, and I love those Navajo's

Overall, the trip will definitely remain in my memory forever. I am touched and just blessed to be able to serve and witness in that region. There will be definitely a lot more places to go, soon. It's all slowly coming into place. It's time for a few changes. Change is good. I'm ready to move on. I'm happy!

ps. I've been writing, just not publishing. I start something, and can never finish it. So it just doesn't flow. It does in my head, but not in here.

Half Way

Here's comes the second half of the year. There can't be any better way to start it off by going away to a place where God's creation is undeniably ecstatic. Heading to Lake Tahoe this week and I am excited! I'll be looking forward to good food, good hikes, good fire works, good company, good nature walks, good swimming, and good adventure. Going back to where it all started. Lake Tahoe is the place where my curiosity to open and read the word of God had all begun. Amazing!

Looking back at the first six months of 2010 there has been goals that's been met and there were disappointments and there were gladness. I've made a list beginning of the year, and so far I'm a little behind schedule. However, there's still plenty of time. This summer will be an exciting/interesting one. There are certainties and uncertainties in life and this next half of 2010 has a lot with the next 5 or 10 years of my life. It's not like every doesn't have to do with the future. This year will just be the basis of my mid to late 20's. There's no expectations, there's just pure vision and plans based upon results and observations. Oh so I love to be vague!

There are a few who knows what's up, and there are those few who tries and guess. There's also plenty of those who just makes assumptions. I dislike it; however, it's a human trait. We pray that God will lead us the way. That God will lead us to His cross. It's never easy what God is telling us. Even if it's already in front of us. Sometimes we just don't see things as good as our Father in heaven. That's why the focus should be on Him and not on ourselves nor to others. I give myself to my creator. I give my emotions, my frustrations, my feelings, my likes and dislikes to Jesus. He's just that big. He can take it all. I mean He died for everyone's sins. Everyone! And for me to be sitting here writing about this year and the blue print of my life, etc. I just build what He has written down.

I read and grasp His message everyday and make sure that I'm on tract. But how do I know that I am? For example, learning to play the guitar this summer is something that I wanted. Can it glorify Him. Yes... I was going to write down, eventually. However, looking at the time spent being productive and having the thought of perhaps playing music and worshiping God someday would be amazing. Also consider the fellowship that will be happening with my teachers and whoever I come across with. I see things very distinctively compared to a normal eye. My brain's just weird.

So I am happy to be away for some rest and recreation. Oh how I wish I can just leave anywhere on this earth and know that I can come back anytime I want as well. It seems like this world's so big, but it isn't really. I'm super tiny, and this earth's not even that big at all compared to whatever's out in the galaxy. I feel special because I have this thing that I would like to call LIFE. It's a gift meant to treasure. This guy's not going to waste it on a stupid tv show, video games, fast cars, facebook, etc. "Do not be drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit" Ephesians 5:18.

Sure, things of this world could be used to fill us in the Spirit. It's a choice that people make. A decision that we make. The will to choose is what separates us from everyone else. I could see someone telling me that he/she loves God and be watching their favorite shows everyday. That's totally fine. Is it for me? Yes. I am in love with sports, music, and arts. Sometime my attention's very much into it and that I don't really know what God thinks about it. And that's where conviction comes along. Somehow, I wake up in the morning thinking all the time of how can I be a change to my house, my community, my world, and myself. I have a tangible to-do list and a mental to-achieve list. To make a difference, a positive one. To a very small thing like holding my temper, picking up a trash, letting someone in traffic, being kind hearted to a stranger, a spontaneous prayer in the bathroom. I just want to be a man of integrity.

There can't be enough advice other than what's in the bible. The second half of 2010 is going to be what it is going to be. There will be good, and there will be bad. The only difference maker is that my faith, character, and heart will not be taken away from me. I'm just stacking chapters into my life. Which is already amazing. Hopeful that there's more tomorrow!

Work Update

Everything's starting to come together. I'm not going to just sit here and wait for things to happen. I have to go over there and make something happen and do something about it. Even though nothing comes easy for me these days. I don't even know where this company is going. My boss has done a phenomenal job in the past 14 years doing what we're doing now and as time progresses him and I are trying our best to keep it all together. Even though he had to take another job because this is just not feeding his crazy family and he almost couldn't afford me. I'm going crazy as I'm doing so much for a pay cut. I'm not complaining, I just could see myself doing work else where and be more stable. Perhaps be moving to a different state to work for a bigger company is a possibility if I want to focus on my career. Question: Is that what's in my heart?

Something tells me that there's a bigger plan for me other than going out of state and maybe working 9-5 at some lab and be satisfied having a nice 403b. Great! SBHI lab is existent and I'm getting all the accreditation necessary. That's been the work in progress lately. The lab has done some work, and it has been running since the beginning of spring. Everything is in high gear, but there is not a lot of transactions done so far as far as the projected goal monthly. It used to be quarterly, but I had to break it into months. Things are just going out of control with the boss's family. As an apprentice, side-kick, "robin", friend, I want to make sure that "batman"'s in tip top shape to be in this and to not be discourage even more so than what we've gone through in the past year. I'm now putting deadlines and setting realistic goals for this company. Which could be very frustrating and draining. I'm putting up dates and if by that time things aren't met, then we're closing the lab and I could step down a little bit and work part time for SBHI with doing what we've been doing for 14 years.

Let's stick with what we're used too, if things don't blossom. It's great to diversify, but if to diversify is costing us more than we're losing and hoping on making more and it's not making anything then that's pointless. There were lots of promises when we started doing sound testing, roofing certs, pool certs, insurance claims, etc. And how many have we done? Well not as much as we wanted. There is that "want to succeed", to make this profitable. That's why it's called business. Who doesn't want to succeed? Nobody. It's human to want success, to be able to make something out of nothing. It's okay to fail. We learn from it. Even with success, we learn to be humble. I think this year, if things don't go the right way at least I can say that I've tried. There's other options out there for this company. And we're prideful for our service and our work. It's like having a really nice yacht, and we're competing with cruise ships. An option is to go on board with the bigger ships, and that's what my boss has done last fall. And even that ship is rusting. The industry is just not doing so hot at this point of time.

On a positive note, there's still hope. I sing for hope every morning. There's no way that I'm giving up this easily. I worked hard to build this thing. It just happens that it's in Los Angeles, California. A state that has no money for anything. I've demonstrated knowledge and some experience in these fields such as building sciences, industrial hygiene, indoor environmental risk assessment and microbial investigation, remediation, and consulting. I try to maintain the highest professional standard. I'm sure it'll come handy someday. I cross my fingers on this regards. I have grown white hair and lacked sleep over it. It seemed promising in the beginning when everything looked shiny from the package. And now I'm putting a timeline to this thing and projects to either make or break this deal. The deal of offering more to meet certain financial goals, company goals, and personal goals. My boss wants a boat, and I want to buy a house. We'll see how that goes.

On a side note... I'm sending my father a proposal letter. My goals and plans for the next few months. He's part of the plan. My family's part of the plan. This world is part of the plan. God is definitely in it. I'm just going to be His hands and feet. I'm excited to hear from my father back and see what he thinks and if he reviews it and thinks that it's possible and doable. There is a bright future ahead. There's a lot on the line and there's a lot of sacrifice that needs to be made. I'm up for it. We'll see where this leads. I'm going to be a free agent and I could either opt-out and sign with a different team, or sign back in. Things could get tricky by how this whole crater gets deeper or reachable. It's only a matter of months. Let's see what God has in store for me. There's definitely something awesome at the end of the tunnel and right now I'm just noticing what's around this cave for now. My eyes are focused on the prize, but there's work to be done to get there. I'm expecting bumps and shakes, but nothing's going to stop me because I got God on my side. Something magnificent is coming up....

For Men by Charles Swindoll

For Men
by Charles R. Swindoll

Ephesians 6:4-8

I don't often recommend a volume without reservation, but I think every man should readTemptations Men Face by Tom Eisenman. I'm not saying I agree with everything in it, or that you will, but his observations, insights, and suggestions are both penetrating and provocative. In fact, that book got me thinking about the top temptations fathers face.

First, the temptation to give things instead of giving ourselves. Don't misunderstand. Providing for one's family is biblical. First Timothy 5:8 calls the man who fails to provide for his family's needs "worse than an unbeliever." But the temptation I'm referring to goes far beyond the basic level of need. It's the toys vs. time battle: a dad's desire to make up for his long hours and absence by unloading material stuff on his family rather than being there when he is needed.

Second, the temptation to save our best for the workplace. How easy it is for dads to use up their energy, enthusiasm, humor, and zest for life at work, leaving virtually nothing for the end of the day.

Third, the temptation to deliver lectures rather than earning respect by listening and learning. When things get out of hand at home, it's our normal tendency to reverse the order James 1:19 suggests. First, we get mad. Then, we shout. Last, we listen. When that happens, we get tuned out.

Fourth, the temptation to demand perfection from those under our roof. We fathers can be extremely unrealistic, can't we? Fathers are commanded not to exasperate their children (Eph. 6:4).

Fifth, the temptation to find intimate fulfillment outside the bonds of monogamy. Thanks to our ability to rationalize, we men can talk ourselves into the most ridiculous predicaments imaginable.

Sixth, the temptation to underestimate the importance of your cultivating your family's spiritual appetite. Fathers, listen up: Your wife and kids long for you to be their spiritual pacesetter.

Ready for a challenge? Begin to spend time with God, become a man of prayer, help your family know how deeply you love Christ and desire to honor Him.

How about facing the music and then changing the tune? Say a firm NO to any of these subtle, sneaky, slippery temptations that have slipped into your life.

Letter to Papa

Dear Papa,

A simple greeting that I bring to you, Papa. As much as I miss you, I feel very blessed to have you as my Papa. Even though you aren't around for the past 10 years or so, your DNA still runs through my body. We just spoke to each other not so long ago via "yahoo" chat, and it felt like a rigatori going through my esophagus. Time doesn't hit me as much as it did a years ago. You know what I'm dealing with now, and though my trust in you is a little less than a sweetened iced tea it's still good to hear from you. To just know that you're still alive and present. We all have our struggles, and I'm joyful that you are semi-doing well. I know how ambitious we are in life. I runs in the family. I love how you talked about having faith and staying strong and being hopeful. I appreciate every blessing that you give me. I just always wish that you're a phone call away or a short flight away.

We were chatting for a good solid hour. Three quarters of it was about business and I am worried and scared Papa. I feel like I am following you and "Daddy's" (grandpa), footsteps in terms of work. I remember you starting up this semi conductor company. I remember Daddy's corporation. And now another Ram in me is starting this aerobio-lab. You're so proud, but you're not here to see it. I sent you the scope of the the lab and I appreciate the advice and the recommendations. I haven't talked to you in years and here you are again giving me a lecture about business. Being there was enough for me.

Happy Father's day to you Papa. I hope your family would recognize how amazing of a father are you to them. All I do now is reminisce the good times we've had. You've given me an offer to go back to you. I am actually considering it. I told you the plan. I told you my desire to serve God and not this world. Thank you for giving me that security of having you behind me and the support that you give me on to whatever journey I take. I'll pray about it and there is a possibility that I may see Nana (grama) by the end of this year or even earlier. And like I told you, I don't want to settle with you. I will seek to explore what's out there and be open to sufferings and celebrations. It all depends if the science of what I'm doing goes booming or falls down. I know that you have faith in me because I'm your awesome son. Sometimes I just want to buy a one way ticket to random country and figure things out from there. Leave them all the money with no strings attached. You know that I am capable of disappearing like a monkey in the jungle. I remember that time when you lost me in the rapids in Bali and I flipped and almost got knock out by a coconut. That I enjoyed drinking and eating that afternoon. Oh the fun times we had.

I'm sorry if I've been a rude son by not keeping in touch for the past year. I will be more consistent by writing to you. As the time of meeting is becoming more of a possibility. Thanks for the encouragement, the affirmation, and the blessings. I wish you well. Take care and God Bless!

Sincerely, ME

ps. if i write to my father right now, this is how it'll be like. but i wish him a happy birthday in spirit and perhaps a little short message saying "happy father's day". i know that i can do something about it, and i am.

Waking up at 3 am... why?

I don't know exactly why I just got up from bed and now in front of my computer listening to the sounds of Coldplay and writing on this blog. I'm still sleepy... Yet, I'm up... I have to get up early on a Saturday to perhaps pray and go drive 15 junior high kids to go play paint-ball at Lake Arrowhead. It's going to be a sick trip! I'm super excited with my tired eyes and more aspirating voice.

It's been a tough week or two. Just things coming out of no where. It's ridiculous. Whether it's at work, home, or church, it just keeps following me around like a magnet. I don't even know what follows me. Is it stress? confusion? frustration? Who knows, I never do these days. I just go with my gut these days and see if God approves or not cause He is my big boss. If He doesn't then, He makes something happen. I just need to follow. I give it all to Him.

I love how I have a bible to read and commentaries, precepts, journals, articles, etc. to just calm myself out. Or a good glass of clean tap water with no ice, and lemon. That's how I like it. I know what I like.

Going back to bed... zzzzzz....

Mensch

I come to the post office probably 4 times a week to do business with them. There's this older lady that's known me for quite some time now. She always greets me with a smile. Simply adorable. Today she called me a "mensch". I wasn't sure what it meant, but she was having a bad day. I thought I brighten it up by complementing her hair. She did get a hair cut, like last week. I haven't seen her since. I come in mid day asking for stamps. She then told me how her daughter is just having a hard time with her family, etc. Well... I just stood there and listened. Apologized for no reason. I didn't know what to say. I gave my payment and she told me how much she likes seeing me at the post office. I told her that I like seeing her too. And I thanked her for being herself. She's just a straight up shooter, and she can lift heavy boxes for an older lady. She also believes in Jesus, but I think her theology is a little mixed up. She knows that I'm a church boy. She think that I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing and that I should be a model or some sort of an entertainer. She always asks who's the flavor of the month. Silly post lady, asking me such questions about women.

So I researched the word "mensch" and I am pleased by it. I've never been a fan of complements, but that really somewhat, kind of made my day even though it was just mid day. I actually at first didn't have a clue if that word meant good or not, but I just smiled and thanked her for it. I did check the definition just now. According to Merriam-Webster it's a person with integrity and honor. There's other definitions online, and they're all good. It's Yiddish, which makes sense cause ms. post lady seemed German descent. The word "mensch" just has style in it. I don't know what it is. Now I have to walk and live with that word everyday now.

Kindness vs. Busyness

I was driving around Hollywood the other day and noticed how much I missed it. The crazy busy street of Melrose took a chicken leg out of my dinner plate. Then comes this huge 16 wheeler truck doing a full u-turn on a four lane street. It was impeccable. There's so many good stores on that street. I am missing out on some good thrift store shopping. Every side street in Beverly Hills has a meter. It's ridiculous. Thank goodness I still remember some secret spots to park and play. Two hours of walking around, shopping around, and trying to find a restroom was a great task. I bought a bagel from coffee bean. I used their restroom and sat as I watch people walk by for a good half an hour. It was great. I found time to plan the rest of that day. Next was to go to Robertson and go say "hey" to a few stores that I am acquainted with. That was the plan, until traffic hits the city. Oh the craziness...

People were yelling. Drivers were being inconsiderate with other drivers. Cars were bumper to bumper. I realize that the streets were just crowded with busy folks from the delivery guy, to the secretary, to the ceo, to the tourist, to the homeless. Then it hit me. If these people weren't so busy then they won't be rude or selfish. If these people were too kind then things won't go as it flows. The milk won't get there in time for it may stale. The patient may miss that beat and die as they drive by. That hungry person may starve to death. It may go over board and perhaps exaggerated, but it is also somewhat true. Most people would probably be a lot nicer if they weren't so busy. And people who are already very nice aren't probably as busy as any regular "joe" out there.

I look at being busy to be something productive. Busy is good. God calls us to be busy. Didn't He? I mean, if we are his hands and feet then we should be doing something 6 days out of the 7 days of the week and rest on the seventh day. There's plenty of verses in the bible that could be thrown at this topic of being busy. One would be 1 Thessalonians 3:6-15. It talks about the warning against idle. It's written in verse 10 that "a man who does not work, does not eat." Now how much do we need to work to feed ourselves? It seems like people around here like to eat a lot. As long as it's not gluttony then I think that's okay. However, if they start losing their values and morals then perhaps being too busy could have a tragic outcome. It could be so tragic that they'd lose faith in Jesus. Even when people think that they're still fine and dandy after being super busy the unconscious mind often times bring thoughts that could be unkindly. I guess that bring us to being kind.

I look at being kind to be something being generous. Generous is good. There's no random acts of kindness, only intentional acts given the opportunity to happen. Just like being busy. Being kind doesn't come randomly. It comes within the territory. It says in the bible in Colossians 3:12 to cloth ourselves in kindness. Also the 2nd most important commandment says in Matthew 7:12 "Do to others what you want to be done to you.." Kindness could be so important to our lives, but also could affect the way we live our lives. Are we doing kind things for other reasons other than pleasing our Father? There could be that second thought of why we do kind things. I asked myself this question today as I'm driving. "Did I just let that car get in my lane because it was the kind thing to do or is it because she's attractive?" If that was a man acting foolish and wanted to get in my lane, would i have given him room to slip in? Probably not...

Don't we pick out own battles? We're faced with an opportunity to be kind everyday. Also, we're are supposed to be working constantly for the good of this earth and the good of heavens above. It's good to set boundaries, to be able to know when to say "yes" and "no". I struggle with it a lot because I just want what pleases anyone. Well, I know that I can't please everyone. I try. But I also have my own self to please. And with all the pleasing going on, God is (should be) pleased first. There's a great balance between kindness and business. Both are great if both can exist. And I think they can. Being busy is good as long as kindness remains. Being kind is great, especially when done while being busy. This two aspects of life should always co-exist with great equilibrium. The more we get busy the more we forget "what would Jesus do". The more we care more for others, the more we forget that we're also important.

Now here's a curve ball... Can we be busy being kind? Yes, only if we're kind to treat ourselves as well. It says in Ecclesiates 3 that we should enjoy our lives as long as we can. Now even for the hungry, they can enjoy the gift of life. Just thankful for every second that I'm alive. I'm created in His image and if He calls for me to sit by His throne in heaven, then so be it- words of the hungry, and (should be) by everyone. I can be busy doing work and dealing with life. I can also love and be kind to everyone with all my heart and soul. I can't do it all. Agreed. But if I can, I will.

Happy Birthday Bro!

(Stole one of his pics on his facebook page, i don't know how old he was in this pic...)

It's my little brother's birthday! He's 17 now! All grown up! Hurray! I love you more than words and presents can ever tell.

Hitch

"Any guy can sweep any girl off her feet, he just needs the right broom".

Lately, I've been sharing my broom to other ordinary homo sapiens out there. I'm that guy. If you come to me for advice or help to make your date, your crush, or your significant other blush I guarantee a spark. Of course with different personalities and intentions I keep a close eye to every individual. Of course not everyone gets the prime rib of ideas for a date, nor do I serve to everyone. I look for genuine people with solid core values. I give them the floor plan and the play, if executed correctly can lead to a beautiful journey.

Now I'm not saying I have the right broom to sweep any woman. There's no such thing as the perfect strategy on attracting the opposite sex. We're made to like each other. Boys are suppose to like girls and girls are suppose to like guys back. Dudes, girls like to be pursued. Gals, boys like to be affirmed. There's no recipe for perfection because there's no such thing as perfect. It could come close to saying just as perfect, but in every situation there's always at least a very small flaw or a lack of awesome. And that's okay. I've learned that to really enjoy someone is to really enjoy them even if they're miserable and awful. I see guys and girls doing it the wrong way, and I see guys mistreating girls and I see girls who are unappreciative of guys.

The list of epic dates, and ideas to draw someone in is in a box and I'm slowly giving the secret recipes to those who could use it or asking. I usually keep these ideas and scripts in a secret box and unleash them when the time comes for me to go on my own trek, but I figured that's just selfish and who would knew if my time to trek would come. Time to spread the love, and there's unlimited of that. "Life is not the amounts of breath you take, it's the moments that take your breath away." It makes me happy to see a friend or someone happy because I'm giving them great ideas. As long as I see a potential happy ending, then I'm all for it. The only thing that would probably take me back from helping someone is if they're after someone that I'm also after for. However, I'd make that sacrifice if he's a really good friend of mine. I've done it before, I know how it feels. It's not the greatest, but I'm willing to take a bullet from my own gun.

The cases that I'm working on right now are good. I'm not attracted to whoever they're after for, plus only two cases are around my age. The others are either younger, or older. Funny, how I'm putting myself in this juncture. I'm just done "liking" girls at the moment. I just feel trap and helpless. Now, let's not mourn about that. I'm okay that I'm not dating anyone, I think it's good that I'm not dating around either. So instead, let's flourish other people's desire to date and be in a relationship. It'd be so swell to see two awesome Christians to worship together and pray together. I'm planning a friend's date this week and I'm humbled by it. At first I was thinking, this is something I'd do if I was going out. Then I'm not going out with anyone, so go use it. The only way this could go wrong is if he messes it up sometime after this lunch date.

I get a lot of how do I fix things after screwing things up. It's a difficult task to get a second chance. Unless they're willing to adjust then maybe there's hope. I say "adjust" because we can't really change someone. We could modify them and improve people. And sometimes the two just can't dance together. Either he/she keeps stepping on each other's feet, or they're playing the wrong music. It is what it is. Sorry. I'm sure there's someone else out there that's walking at the same pace as you.

"Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away."

That's it. I want to help those who want to have moments that can take their breathe away. Something unusual, not ordinary, but spectacular is the plan. I've never been a big fan of the ordinary, plain, and simple dates. It could be ordinary with something extra ordinary moments. It could be plain with adventure and fun in hand. And it could be simple with a sentimental meaning with good prudence. In the end, no matter what the results would be. There's always going to be "l-o-v-e" in any manner. To love our brother's and sister's as ourselves has to be always in effect. To see someone cry makes us cry, to see someone laugh makes us laugh. We're made for each other and with each other. It's my pleasure to help people, especially the men, to show their like/love interest a splash of ingenuity and an exuberant amount of joy in their hearts.

Bittersweet

I'd be lying to you if I tell you that I'm good or tell you that I'm miserable. I'm okay. The bad could only get worse and the good can always get better. God knows the best, and God knows the worst. He died for my sins and everyone else's. There's always grace, so why be down and out. Sadness can sink in. Frustrations, irritations, depressions have pills for it, but it can't consume lives because there's more beauty to life than being always dark and negative. People have an idea of what's best or what's worst.

I always learn a lesson everyday. I end my days writing something on my notebook even if it's one word. The word for the past month or so has been "bittersweet". God likes to surprise me with something worth celebrating, then adds a twist to it. It's okay. Focus on the sweet part and just leave the bitter part later. I think it just has to blend. Solution: make adjustments and be faithful and not prideful. It's not something for people to give me sad faces and tell me that, that sucks. I'm happy for whatever makes people happy, as long as it's justifiably moral. Even if the situation could cause broken hearts. I couldn't really do much, but to live fruitfully. However, if I am not then something's up. Question is am I? It's mutual. I always want to challenge myself. But am I doing it in a smart way?

I've taken the strength finder's test and tested out to be in a more impacting and relating to people. Never did I have anything on the striving, or thinking part. I'm just big on influencing and helping people. I'd give someone a kidney if someone asks me for it. If I like you, you don't even have to ask me. I'll just offer it you.

Ever seen those movies where a sacrifice has to be made for the good of all? Yes. When someone has to stay or go and die, so that he/she could save a planet, a ship, a city, a person, etc. Every story has an end. Life ends at some point. Anything has a beginning and an end. But there are certain things that are everlasting. The memory lanes aren't going anywhere, history will remain history, and love never ends.

I remain quiet. It's bittersweet. Blood's pumping through my body and I'm just staring at the wonderful blue sky trying to make shapes out of the clouds. Sometimes I laugh about things, sometimes I just become a bum about things. It's okay! I'll keep dreaming good dreams and fight the bad dreams. Even though I wake up very early for no reason and being very exhausted for sleeping late.

There's a lot of work that needs to be done. I shall remain "asleep" and wait until God wakes me up for that right one. It's time to persevere and to be strong. There has to be or else I'll just be bitter. It's funny, how some of my peers are reacting when I show them the sad, melodramatic side of me. It is what it is, and it's time to push through it. Life has a lot more to offer than chips and cherries.

Deer

I haven't been good with words lately. I've been staring at this white background for some days and nights when I'm not busy. I've spoken and vented on people about how I feel and I've written notes onto my journal, but I can't somewhat type it out. Prayer keeps me afloat. It keeps me level headed on things that's happening around me, and with me. If it is what it is, then it is what it is. I won't complain. The man in me cries out loud, but my Father in heaven calls the shots. I'm just here to listen. Not quite sure how to feel about things yet. Just of now, I'm just doing what I'm doing. Creating more things to worry about, stress about, and cry about. Fantastic! Certain things in life where we just have no control of, and I don't want to control other people's lives; unless they're driving themselves off the bridge.

So what cheers me up these days? Perhaps a deer? Random. Yes. When we encounter a deer in the wild, our breathe catches. We're just transfixed by their graceful features and delicate movements. These four legged creatures from the family cervidae symbolizes lots of things- love, happiness, grace, beauty, spirituality, benevolence, and the list goes on. Oh deer. They come and then go. Some gets old, and some gets mauled by their predators. Sometimes they're hunted for games. Deer meat is delicious, not that I have tried it. Maybe. I'm not sure, but I'm sure our ancestors loved deer. Even nowadays, hunters love deer meat. I know, I'm just writing about deers. My state of mind changes every 10 seconds. It's very annoying. However, everything seems to be negative. I really have to be like a deer and look at the bright side. I think, the mentality of not wanting anyone to worry is getting me again. I want to take everyone's worry and carry it with me to the top of the mountain. I want to add it to my stack of worries. And I don't really know why I do so. "Our prayers for others flow more easily than those for ourselves. This shows we are meant to live by charity"-C.S. Lewis.

It's either black or white. It's either I care or I don't care. I don't know where the middle line is. I'm not sure where the gray area is. It's either heaven or hell. I see and hear people say that they're Christian, but really not acting like one. Where's the conscience and self-awareness? Sure, sin runs in our veins. I struggle everyday by just standing out in this world and representing Jesus. I'm under attack all the time at work, and all I can do is smile, love, and pray. We have to live above reproach. Just because I see people doing it, or saying it doesn't mean that I have to copy it. It doesn't mean that we have to be like those men and women in Matthew 27 who yelled "let him be crucified". The crowd totally took offense at Jesus because of His wisdom and ability to perform miracles although He was one of them. That's ridicule, but it's true. He did only good to and for them, but they took great offense. I'm taking a side. I chose to live my life full of fun and adventure as God rejoices in my joy as I acknowledge that fun as glorifying to Him. Jesus was accused to be so many things such as a drunkard, a man of darkness, etc. I realize that it's not always about not going to places or being apart of situations because people might think badly of you. It's always doing things that glorify God so that in those pure motives we can work out our salvation. Yes, it sometimes can be abstaining to benefit another, but I think we miss the important part of living above reproach is about living blamelessly so that we the accusations come, as they will, we can stand before God as those called righteous. Those that did not break the Law of God set in place for our benefit. And those who lived with great integrity and freedom because our God loves to see His children exclaiming the satisfaction they find in Him through means some may label differently.

They came to him and said, "Teacher, we know you are a man of integrity. You aren't swayed by men, because you pay no attention to who they are; but you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth. Is it right to pay taxes to Ceasar or not? Should we pay or shouldn't we?" But Jesus knew their hypocrisy. "Why are you trying to trap me?" he asked. "Bring me a denarius and let me look at it." They brought the coin, and he asked them, "Whose portrait is this? And whose inscription?""Caesar's," they replied. The Jesus said to them, "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's." And they were amazed at him. -Mark 14:13-17

Deers probably have more integrity than some people. Deers don't pay attention to who they are. They're just going to eat grass all day and play with each other. Be chased by a tiger and run away from hunters. I've been thinking a lot, studying, praying, and just processing things. I get people out of trouble, and see them happy. Everyone's happy around me, and I keep getting myself stuck, perhaps growing. Getting to that goal of what? I don't even know anymore. I read. I learn. I ponder. I see. I listen. I observe. Just like a deer I learn from older deers, and I grow as I get older and mature as I venture. I just need to give myself a minute to think, then I'll give myself a chance to make better decisions. Everything now seems temporary. The future holds more for me. In the end, I don't want to loose it. I don't want to lose. I want to win, I want to escape the predators and not be drawn by shiny things, and comfort.

Chapter 3 of 2nd Timothy sums it up. I am in training for righteousness (v. 16). Everyone who wants to live a godly life in Jesus Christ will be persecuted (v.11). I'm trying to envision my life w/o Christ and it just seems empty. It may have looked like a very crazy-party lifestyle where the direction is just towards sin all the time. I can still party-crazy, stand out, and be different. However, I'm just more aware now of everything. My senses are better now. I get it now. It's good to be well rounded. I understand that I can't excel at everything, as much as I want to be good at everything. I know that I'm only gifted in certain things. I can't be everything. It's okay. I just need my essentials.

... This entry has been worked on and off... Fail...

Mumble-Jumble

This whole concept of "time is money, and money is time" is evil. How about "time is a gift from God, and we must give Him time"? I like that idea better. If I can spend an entire day, an entire day, focused on God. Not a wasted second where I think of a penny, or an issue, or ice cream. I'm getting close to it. A few minutes a day, becomes an hour a day, becomes a day a week, becomes a week a month, becomes a month a year, becomes every other year, becomes a lifetime. Bam! That day will come when there's no deadlines, when I eat whenever I eat, I go wherever I go by foot, I sleep when it's time to sleep, I love everything that moves. Constantly praying in my head, out loud, singing it, dancing, making it. When sensation, thoughts, beliefs, desires and choosing over-powers rational thinking, and logic. As long as it has commonality with the bible, then where Jesus goes I'll go, what Jesus did, I'll do. Now Jesus never got married, because he married us. He never had kids because we are his kids. A good book to read would be "Married to Jesus", by Matthew White. I haven't read it yet, but I'm looking forward to it. Just like looking forward to courtship, my wedding day, honeymoon, date nights, kids, and grandkids. If it happens, if it doesn't its okay. I won't back down. I forgot my priorities after my number one priority who is God. The list is in mumble-jumble right now and that's probably why my black hair is turning grey.

There's more to these. There's more to inspecting houses, paying taxes, setting up a lab, marketing & advertising, writing contracts, and keeping up to date on everything. It's just not me. Then what is me? Good question. I want to cook for you. I want to go in the back yard pick a live chicken and kill it for supper. I want to take my ragged car and drive it to anywhere. I want to be able to serve people not feeling like I'm doing it to get resources or for my own good. I don't need to shop for myself, yet I do enjoy it. I go to the market and I see a huge variety of bread. I just want bread. Thank you for enticing my eyes with the huge amount of yeast used to make em'. I want to live in a small town, where I don't need to feel like I need to impress everyone. I'm not. Yet, people around me still thinks that they're higher or thinks that they're better than everyone else. Can I just be simple, yet bountiful, full of joy, enthusiastic about life? I want to go and pick vegetables, and make stew. I don't need this city to create this image of a man of today. I am a man of myself, who glorifies God, and follows Jesus's footsteps. Perhaps, I can't turn water into wine, or turn rocks into bread. However, I can go pick fruits and squeeze me some lemons to make me lemonade, or go fishing until I have enough fish to clean and cook. It seems like I've done more growing up than I've done now that I'm a grown up. Perhaps being exposed to the city life was a bad idea. My parents wanted me to excel out in the world. Okay, mom and dad. I got it. Now I don't want it. I want to live like my great grandparents who had it simple, yet blissful. I want a farm, I want a small little shack by the ocean. I want to live freely, I want to be able to use my gifts and skills for a better purpose. I don't want to gain anything. I want to give everything away. I want blackouts, I want to go to my own well to get water. I want to get sick and have the town's doctor heal me. I want fresh fish from the lake. I want fresh milk straight from the cow. I want bucket showers. I want to not have to deal with the government, but still be obeying. I want to be naked and free.

Sure, there's other people out there who desires that, but have they lived it? I am jealous for those who are genuinely happy with their lives who are far from smog, kfc, malls, and tall buildings. Even though, I once wanted to own my own building in downtown LA. I miss those days where you wake up from a screaming rooster, where you get to feed animals, and read books on a mid day and drink goat's milk and take siestas. Waking up and it's low tide and you just chase birds, fly a kite, or hold hands with someone all afternoon by the sunset. Walking for a few kilometers to get to the market, instead of taking the train or driving. Finding shells to collects and tree branches to use for kindling. Lighting candles instead of turning on the power. Using a cardboard as a fan and the arms get tired of fanning yourself. Going on a boat trip to go dive and explore coral reefs. To be in a crazy storms where it looks like the whole house is going to fly. I want adventure. I want to live it again. Just to see bugs crawling around, or a spider excites me because that mean that mother nature is visiting us. I know, I guess I'm weird like that. I use to play with spiders growing up. I put them in little match boxes and treat them as pets. Also raced cockroaches growing up in the streets of Asia. I also used to catch dragonflies and other bugs that looks cool out in farms in Europe. I want to ice fish in Antarctica and suffer the cold weather. I want to meet the Maasai in Africa and live with them for a long time. I want wake up from a rooster yelling at me and not my stupid alarm clock or my subconscious self that's telling me that I have to be up cause I have an eight thirty meeting. I tried doing a little bit of research and it's either going for a vacation or a mission is the case. What about to go for the juice of it, I don't want to fruit. I want the juice. I'm on a mission anywhere I go, work, home, church, market, mall, beach... I don't have to go far to reach out to people, there's people here.

This society is upgrading everything. You can actually purchase a water proof bible now. People are so in rush nowadays, it's driving me nuts. It's not like I can't keep up, but what's the rush? Really?! So that we can accomplish more, to have more time, to see more, to gain more? Wouldn't that just be like telling God to keep up with our business and our crazy schedules? I don't know. I like a fast phase life, but not thinking for my own gain. Sometimes I am guilty of doing this faster, so that I gain more. There are times in life where you just gotta be quick and fast. For example, in the kitchen when you're cooking a dish and it has to be done chop-chop. Or when a kid is choking on a chicken bone, gotta be quick to react. A big picture example would be getting all the family members together for a family picture, now if that can't be done fast and quick, it'll never get done. Is it selfish to be always in a rush because there's no time for this or that? If there is time, God will make time. I look around and people want more. I look at the mirror, and I'm guilty of the same thing. Bob!Adam and Eve wanted more. Jesus only wanted us us to follow him and do his works on our own pace. He never told us to hurry, nor to slow down. As long as the Holy Spirit is within us, then let the Spirit lead. Galatians 5:22-23a NIV "But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control". King James said it a little differently, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance". Now I'm not sure why it went from long suffering to patience and temperance to self-control. Patience doesn't usually involve suffering nowadays, but it actually does for the new generation. Kids start to throw a tantrum when they don't get what they want. Teens start to rebel when they can't have what they want. Adults... well they know better, right? Sitting in traffic would be a great example of people's patience. I mean, understandable that there's a lot of people with cars that are driving to wherever they're going. Some are running late, some are doing fine with time, and some could care less. Yet 30% out of those 33.333% of them people wants to be wherever they want to be as soon as possible. For those who are running late, I understand punctuality is important, but it is what it is. Pray about it, maybe traffic would split like the red sea. For those who are doing fine with time, I understand being early is good, but you're still going to be on time. For those who don't need to be somewhere at a certain time, I understand that you want to be able to do more things when you get to wherever you go, how about start praying while being stuck in traffic. Talk out loud in the car like I do, talk to your creator, talk to God. Ask him why the red Miata doesn't know the difference between the gas and the break pedal. I don't know, but for those who aren't in any time stress, traffic is, will always be there. Now where is the long suffering in that? Oh ya, the sitting on traffic is suffering because I can do so much more with this wasted time. False, time is never wasted. God gave us time, be thankful. It's not just here in America, I've seen it all over the world.

Maybe someone could desire a life away from the city or to be able to get away and go to a place where it could be like a paradise island. But for how long can they last? Then about 80% of them come back and do what they're used to doing- which is perhaps working on a desk, or going back to that lab, office, company, garage, yard, house, project. I don't understand the purpose of wanting something that's temporary. Yes, there are things out there that's temporary. Like jobs, cars, houses, clothes, light bulbs, microwaves, pizza, etc. Why can't we desire something that's everlasting? Something that's infinite and more vital to living; like a closer relationship to God, or a loving relationship with ya'll fellow brothers and sisters, a family, a church, and that community fueled by faith. I think with all that, the temporaries will just come along. There will be light bulbs, there will be clothes, there will be pizza. This world's not that destroyed yet. There's still hope.

...I slightly dislike paper work and everything is done in paper nowadays. Everywhere ya go, there's paper involve. You go to a restaurant you get a paper receipt. You go drive somewhere and you have to have a paper things like license, insurance, and registration. You go to church and there's flyers. You go to the bathroom, there's toilet paper. Money is made out of paper. Any type of work deals with paper. Yes, paper is important. I agree. Tsai Lun, a Chinese fellow invented paper. Good job. Now, what if people just ate, slept, stayed warm, enjoy, love, and worship God? Wouldn't that just be great! Oh sin... look what you've done....

It is my dream to make this happen to not have to have plans. I want to live my life where I don't have to make a plan, God just directs and I follow. I want to make plans as they go. No more plan a,b,c,d,e...x,y,z. I have a vision, I dream it, I see it, I will take it and own it. I don't know how I'm going to be able too, but I know that God provides. And all this time the Spirit lives in me because of fruits are beginning to ripen in me. The fruits of love, joy, peace, long sufferings (patience), gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control (temperance) is slowly ripening inside of me and it's time for picking. Now will I be perfect at this? Of course not, it is in my nature to crave that apple that Eve picked. I'll always think that I don't have a plan even though I do. It's efficient, but more driven towards the fruits of the Spirit. I'm still going to use logic, be rational, and use common sense. However, I'm working on having my sensation, thoughts, beliefs, desires, and choosing focused on God every time of my life. I want to feel the Holy Spirit working in me everyday. I want to be always thinking that God is always there for me. I know and believe that God is everywhere and anywhere in this world even in dark corners. My desire should only be to glorify and to worship God, and to be able to follow his Son and to be filled with the Spirit. And I choose God over anything else. Amen!

Letter to Mamma

Mamma,

I love you! I probably don't say it, but I want you to know that I do. I won't be here if it wasn't for you. I love you because you've been by my side since I was a baby. Remember the time when you used to read Papa's letters to me when he was abroad? Remember when you used to take me to swim practice everyday, and you'd make me lunch at school? I usually get excited when you make me those hotdog sandwiches. Those were the good days. You still make me food because you're awesome. I thank you so much for staying strong, and being the woman that you are now.

I love you! You've yelled at me, spanked me, made me food, clothed me, drove me, taught me things, and took care of me. I know that most of the time we don't meet eye to eye, but you're still my Mamma. Remember when I took the car without asking and crashed it and you got mega-super mad at me? You were like possessed. Then I left you a note saying "i'm sorry". You know that I'm not good with confrontations, but I think I've outgrown that. We've had our days of quarrels and battles, but nothing changes and no matter what happens in the end you're still my Mamma. I'll be your son. I will take care of you when you get old. I got your back Ma'.

I love you! I pray to God everyday for your safety and well being. Psalm 139:13 "You (God) made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb". God has planted me in you Ma'. I'm God's gift. That's what my name means, you've named me John. I'm your first born. Who'd expect that I'm here 26 years later writing you a letter. I want to make you proud Ma'. I will. I'm your son, John. I know you well, and I'm trying to show you who I am now. I love God, and I want to follow Jesus.

I love you! You're the first woman in my life. I'm your first little man. I'm big now. I know how you've wanted me to grow up and become someone. I am, who I am now. That someone is a man that you've watched and seen fall, get up, and do it over and over again. I really do appreciate you Mama. There's a lot more in our relationship. I want it to be more, and I know that there's always room to make it better. I'm adapting. I'm accepting. I'm proud to be your son, as you are proud to be a mother to three beautiful children. Remember when people would comment to you and tell you how incredibly good looking I am? Yes, you do. And I remember how you reacted, you'd say it's because I look like you. And I'd deny it. Sorry.

I love you! You're like wonder woman to me. You've been through a lot. I look up to your bravery and courage to take on things, big or small, and getting through it. You and I both know that I'm not sure where I'll end up. I'm sorry for being so unpredictable. But no matter what happens, I want you to know that I'll always be here for you. My precious Mama. I'm running out of words, but last things I want to tell you is that I LOVE YOU MAMA!

Love, John

Here in Maryland

So far, so well... My mind's been at peace. It's good to be away, I just haven't really been talking lately. A lot of thinking and praying. All is work, not so much fun out here. However, I did made golf fun this morning by driving golf carts like a maniac. I couldn't find a way to escape the company and they're really intrigue by me. I guess I'm interesting. A bunch of middle aged men and John Ram. Eating a lot of food out here. Why not, food is good. I had the best tapa's ever the other night. All I did today, when the crew realize that there's no way that I'm playing golf with them, is sit by in front a tv watch my Lakers, and eat pistachio ice cream on a cone. That was good. I'm just going to be real with these people and see if it works or not. I think Biaera Tech is scared of me since I'm from Los Angeles. Honestly, there's nothing to be scared of. They're a really good company, and I'm helping them, so that they could help me promote their equipment and our business to other aero-labs out there. I know the company name isn't exactly end with 'lab', but the point is that these labs would, could, should use our lab here in LA for an LA branch. It's not rocket science, the rocket science comes in on Tuesday when I deal with Mas-Labs in Delaware, to offer them a new way of dealing with black mold and a convenient way to make the test a whole lot easier. And all that's needed is a piece of equipment that Biaera has and they just didn't maximize its capacity until we ordered the equipment and started using it and I started tweaking it. Magic! I want to hear an applause. ha! Only thing is that, what if the other biotech companies out there has already figured it out and already told these major aero-labs about it. Then that's okay. I tried, and that's that. Long story; short, this trip has been okay so far. I have been thinking a lot in a more calmer way.

I'm typing through my scrappy laptop as well that's just really slow. I just want it to be Wednesday afternoon already. I just realize that I'm doing a lot of driving this next few days. And the car that I'm driving doesn't have an iPod adapter. I guess I'll be talking to God a lot in the next three days. As I have been doing in the past 3 days. I finally recovered from the lack of sleep and the fatigue of just running around trying to get things done. My knees hurt, and I can't be as mobile as I want to be. I am sad. I guess that's okay. It reminds me a verse in Ecclesiastes, chapter 7:3 "Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart". I appreciate all the blessing and gifts that I have given. I can't expect anything else. I'm blessed to have this couple adopt me for a while here in MD. They have no kids, dude works for Biaera and she's a pt, and have been in love for like 13 years. Non-Christians, unfortunate, but I'm grilling them about Jesus. Too bad, I'm leaving to Delaware tomorrow. Two and a half hours of driving, by myself in the East Coast. Fun! I really will miss their irresistible love for each other. I'll be back to say hello and goodbye Wednesday. They were so much in disbelief when I told them that I'm not married, and single. They want to set me up with some of their friend's friends and thought that they'd love me since I'm from the west coast and that I'm so colorful. I think they refer to my skin color. I love meeting cute couples who's been married and still rocking it for more than 10 years. That's love.

That was one of the few conversation that I've had this weekend. Most of my conversations were with God. Just mumbling to him about stuff. I'm going crazy, at least people think I am. Not really good for business. O well. I've been doing a lot of strolls, walks, jogs and a lot of reading and just quiet time. I really didn't want to get on my computer for this reason or any reason, but I just needed to write it or talk it out. I feel really good to be away. I missed a few things, like a camera, my flash drive (thank goodness for the internet), and under garments. I forgot that I'm wearing khaki and slacks around. Well good things they're cheap. I bought some yesterday. I should budget, but I kind of just went on "i don't care" mode. It's just moneys. I'm here to make more, and God will provide. If he doesn't then, I'll be on welfare. If he does, I'll still be on welfare. My boss and I are in constant communications as I am also representing him as well. He should've just came with me, but someone has to stay back to run the office. Anyways, I'm used to the three hour difference already. I was miserable when the plane landed Friday and the sun's up. I forgot my sunglasses too. Failure. Anyways, looking forward for a productive and fun week. I miss church. I miss blue. I'll be back soon!

...Reading Romans 12. So many treasures in that short chapter. I just gotta keep swimming. Just keep swimming... just keep swimming... The bible give me joy. Oh Paul, I want to work for this guy. And I want to be best friends with John. He was Jesus's best friend. I want to be best friends with my Savior's best friend. He also wrote the last book in the bible. These guys are awesome! People asked me before who can I relate too the most out of all the dudes in the bible. I'd say right now, it's John. Hey, I'm John. I'm kind of like a John. I am a John. Jesus's told him to take care of his mom Mary. In a humbling way, if anyone asks me to take care of their moms or them, I will. He was the first one to question Jesus when Jesus announced to his disciples that someone's going to betray him. I always wonder if I did wrong, or if I'm doing wrong, or if I'll do wrong. I never know sometime... Well, I do know. I just sometimes slip. John was super excited to see Jesus when he found out that the tomb was empty. I'd be that guy. It's just a funny thing to think about. I'm now intrigued by John's biography. Maybe I can find more to compare. It's just my mind flying around like a fly around a burning wick. La la la... This is what happens when I've been cast away.

Refocus

Lunch by the ocean, on a windy mid-day, was almost just what I needed today. Tough week, better yet everyday this week I had a head ache. While working on the kingdom Fungi that has about 40,000 different types of them. It's like learning all the ants name and characters as they march to my untouched donut hole. About 34 microbiology books skimmed through, and studied in the past 3 months. Probably about 90 procedures done and recorded and about 40 mold and fungi. Not really a big fan of saying these words like Scopulariopsis, Chaetomium, Ulocladium, etc... I got my gear packed and ready to go. I wasn't sure if I would get in trouble if I bring mold with me in the plane, so I guess I'll just pick up some when I get to the East Coast. I'm ready, I think. I just want to get in that plane and fly for 5 and a half hours. Hopefully get sleep and arrive, rest and will start my mission out tomorrow.

It'll be good to be away. I need to be busy. I need a distraction. I need to be alone, for a bit in a new place, with new people. I'm scared. I am. But I have to go through it whether it's a pass or fail. I have to accept whatever happens and even if sometimes it's giving me head aches. I just need to take my time. This will be good. I may get the jitters and scribbles, but I need to focus. "To a man on a mountain road by night, a glimpse of the next 3 feet of road may matter more than a vision of the horizon"-C.S. Lewis. I'm just letting God handle the rest. I'll be happy with what happens in the East Coast. I got my bible, my gear, my luggage, my books, my chapstick, my ipod, my phone, and myself. I think I'm good. Just need to push negative energy away and absorb positive energy. I'll be all alone, but I got Jesus with me. That's good enough.

I'm outta here! :)

Top Open

I couldn't start writing because my head is spazzing. My brain's on crack in the past few days. It just won't stop processing. Here's pretty much what my brain's feeding me lately.

I'm excited.

I'm nervous.

I'm anxious.

I'm joyful.

I'm exhausted.

I'm rested.

I'm intrigue.

I'm interested.

I'm amaze.

I'm nothing.

I'm second.

I'm happy.

I'm alone.

I'm stuck.

I'm waiting.

I'm following.

I'm leading.

I'm hurt.

I'm calm.

I'm hungry.

I'm crying.

I'm sad.

I'm spontaneous.

I'm complete.

I'm driven.

I'm responsible.

I'm rational.

I'm obedient.

I'm loyal.

I'm wise.

I'm dumb.

I'm unfortunate.

I'm shy.

I'm enthusiastic.

I'm saved.

I'm created.

I'm weird.

I'm lame.

I'm poor.

I'm frustrated.

I'm annoyed.

I'm bummed.

I'm restless.

I'm tired.

I'm blessed.

I'm going.

I'm shy.

I'm quiet.

I'm lost.

I'm strong.

I'm searching.

I'm loading.

I'm prepared.

I'm last.

I'm slow.

I'm done.

I'm overwhelmed.

I'm celebrating.

I'm crazy....

I was reading scripture to find peace and I came across Psalms 13. David claimed that God was slow to act on his behalf. I know God exist and currently, consistently working in me and this world. David was faithful to God and trusted wholeheartedly in him, but he felt the pressure of his problems as much as anyone. David held on to his faith. I don't see myself giving up on God. God and I have this constant talk on how things are going with me and why "I'm (all these things)". I'm honest and he's been good by blessing me with my life. Thank you Jesus! Now what about the lives of others?

"'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind'.This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neightbor as yourself'."

-Matthew 22:37-39

I am saved. Thank you! I know this for a fact. Now it's time to refocus and care for those who aren't and who needs the Lord. Amen. I see both the rich and the poor needing Jesus. In fact it says in the bible, I think in Proverbs 28, that the poor are better more than the rich. I want to be a man of integrity. Yes, I know it's a desire for me to become a better Christian. That's not selfish. I don't think so. Wikipedia defines integrity as a concept to do with consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principles, expectations and outcome. Jesus modeled it so well.

I am poor. Even if the numbers say that I'm not because I own a car, I have shoes, I have warm water, etc. Oh man! I miss bucket showers and heating bucket waters using a plug in heater. Did I want to have all of these riches? I'm sure I did. I still do. It's important to have resources and to be able to live. I won't be able to do His work if I don't live. Going back to my six essentials of living-water, food, clothing, shelter, TRUTH, and LOVE. A lot lays on the truth. Why I am who I am is because of what I believe and that what I believe is definitely true and that 'Jesus is the only way, the truth, and the light'. -John14:6. Love is everything to me. Love is when I get frustrated and my patience is tested. Love is when you just know and feel that you'll grow old with this person. Love is when I build myself a porch with a bench that swings. Sitting there drinking cider waiting for the sun to rise, listening to the birds flirt, and enjoying a good book. Truth is when I stand my ground whenever I'm being attacked by things that don't matter. Truth is when you jeopardize your career for what's real and what really matters. There's water everywhere. I'm fine by eating lettuce everyday. I can probably live with three shirts, two pairs of jeans, a pair of shoes, and some socks. I own a tent and a sleeping bag. I'm good to go. As my mind scatter and wonder around like a spinning top. I cry in the night just to be saved. And because of grace I am. Also because of Grace, my mother, I am here. She doesn't really know that exactly.

I've been trying to strengthen my relationship with my family and its been just all frustrations lately. Oh sadness. Took my mother out for lunch the other day because her dad, my 'lolo' was at the hospital. He's okay now. I think. I hope. He passed out and was confined for like 2 days. Scary. Definitely. It happens. I was deeply concerned, but not overly stressed by it. I was more stressed by the reactions of the world. I just prayed. Tried to be supportive and just was there for whatever they needed. I have been good with keeping up with my Mama. I do whatever she says. I give whatever she wants or at least I try and use logic with her, but sometimes that doesn't work. I'm just honoring my mother. Oh and I guess my father whom I haven't spoked too in years. Probably sent an email to him saying "you too" as he sent me a Christmas and New Year greetings this year. I apologize if there's a sense of sarcasm. Once a week, I am beat by the fact that I don't have a physical father to go talk to about business, sports, music, movies, girls, friends, church, and being a Christian. I get divisions of these subjects from several men of God and some of the non-believers that are dear to my heart. I pray to God every night to bless my Mama and Papa. Sounds really corny, but I've been praying like that since I was a kid. Weird childhood fact... I used to pray a lot, growing up as a Catholic and going to all these religious schools. I learned to pray in a structure where I go from the Lord's Prayer, then a Hail Mary, then a Glory Be, then to name and bless those who meant to me, then I pray to the angel of God my guardian dear, and then my three wishes for tomorrow... I still remember. I'm impress...

....MAN UP last Friday.

Amazing! Fantastic! Totally rocked! The boys totally had fun doing fellowship and growing to become real men of God. It'd be something that Rolling Stones magazine would say if they experienced 'Man Up'. I'm happy about it. It felt good. It felt real good. I was really driven to just give these boys the truth and the love. Good stuff. The battles of death ball and 'kajabi' can-can at the beach is 70 times male proof compared to quilting and perhaps doing scrap books. My ninjas came and showed off their skills. I'm so stoked, so much joy in my heart right now. They're getting it. I want more of them to feel the Holy Spirit in death ball and piling on each other. Boys will be boys, and to see these young men to eat like men, play like men, pray like men, and worship like men makes me a very happy fellow.

A race to the church after the beach to arrive to that smell of meat and beans is blissful. The evening continued as we growled like Arnold and drank beans from cups. Came to the building to do some outstanding worship and played Men in the bible trivia with a twist. The twist was to compete man vs. man on who can do a certain task faster, longer, or better if they don't know the answer. It was epic. Then came serious time with a 'nooma' video entitled: Tomato, by Rob Bell. It was about Jesus's death for us to have life. Amen. The video ended and the group split into small groups. There was a 5:1 ratio of junior high kid to a leader. I had my ninjas and some.

Small groups ended and next to the list of agenda was two 'I am second' video's and a short summary from the newest leader in the group. The 'I am second' videos were phenomenal.

After the inspiring videos, we had an open panel where the leaders answered the kids's questions. If they have any. 6 high schoolers and about 14 junior high kids were left at this point. No one had a question. The boys looked a fatigue. So we had to make up the questions. It was good, and restoring. A few misguided comments, but I'll still look ahead say that it was a good way to end the night. We also had cupcakes for dessert after all the madness. It was good. Thank You Jesus!

A weekend of just thinking, processing, and just swallowing facts. A question was given Sunday morning if I have the knowledge and/or the relationship with God. And do I have proof? Oh the fire burning in me just wanted to take this question full force. Do I know everything about God? No... Do I have a relationship with him? Yes! Do I have proof? I don't see myself not having one. I think to have a relationship with someone is to know someone. There's so many things about God that's just so obvious and also mysterious. Everyday, I learn something new from Him. Everyday I am challenged. Everyday I grow like a plant or a tree. I'm blessed with sunlight, water, and fertilizer. When theres a storm my branches don't constrict, but loosens, adapts and sways to which ever direction the wind goes. Sometimes it rains so hard that flood covers me. I just have to be tolerant to it and be able to withstand anything.

As the song "Hallelujah" by Beth Dillon comes into play...

Who can hold the stars

And my weary heart?

Who can see everything?

I've fallen so hard

Sometimes I feel so far

But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain

Swim the ocean

Or do anything

But it's when you hold me

That I start unfolding

And all I can say is HALLELUJAH....

more lyrics...

I can pretty much do anything... Well not quite. There's a tug in my heart every time the clock turns to midnight. I'm trying to forgive myself. And to just remember that it's about Faith, and not trying to do what I feel, want, think is right. I just have to serve others and reflect on Christ's love. There's this saying about how to live and that is "to live above reproach". Okay. Got it. I read Romans 12-14. Also did a google search on it. It makes common sense. It's good to be reminded daily and to be aware that real character is who you are when no one's watching. I'm done blaming others or things. I'll just blame myself or perhaps even better is to not have negative blaming in my lifestyle. I can have a positive blame. For example, I blame the pastor for really opening my heart to things. Or I blame my parents for make me and now that I am amazing! Ha! I trust god in what He wants to happen in the next minute, hour, day, week, month, year, decade. Bring it on failure! Bring it on rejections! Bring it on depression! Bring it on Satan! I anticipate great things, but with our sinful nature it's never ice cream and sunshines all the time. All the ice cream and sunshines are in heaven, and that's when I will be genuinely happy. I've always been searching for that, and I found it when I met Jesus. I'm saved. Yes! now what's next? I wake up each day happy to be alive, and I pray constantly to my father whom I don't need to see, but I know that His spirit lives in me. I've figured out my gift, and my strengths. Now what? I realize that before I get to that place of ice cream and sunshine. I have to experience storms, horror, and darkness first. This life has a happy ending. It's with Jesus sitting by him. Do I want to be happy now in terms of living a life of this world? Or do I want to be happy by doing God's work? I'm quite awake and way alive. I'm not dead. No point of being passive about things. I should just end this entry, and let it be. I see a greater purpose and a greater need for those who want and accepts it. I look around, I look at the mirror, and I see pride, greed, extravagance, lust, gluttony, despair, sloth, vainglory, wrath, discouragement, and envy.

I feel better. The ocean's calm for now. Clouds are visible, but I'll be ready. I read something Kobe Bryant said after losing game 4 at Oklahoma. I know for all the people, I'm quoting Kobe. He sad something like this "There are certain things that we have to do to execute to win. Angry doesn't get it done. Emotions doesn't get it done. You've got to execture." I've talked to a few folks about certain views on certain things and my opinions on different things. Must be vague, perhaps. I don't get angry. I get really fired up and perhaps disappointed when I see people acting really stupid. I'm sorry. Who am I to judge? But if I see something iffy, or smell something fishy, or hear something that's clingy. I will speak and will try to do something about it. However, there are certain people out there that's just really hard to talk too. When they're so right, but not really sure, that they think that they're always right. That whatever I say won't affect them at all. It's pointless to straighten up a person who's close minded and always needs to be right. It's like what's the point of you winning this conversation? I don't really know. I respect your points, and hopefully you respect mine. So stop talking? Done. I just want peace, direction, and love. They're always going to argue until they win, even if the argument is semi ridiculous. Annoying something, but tolerable. I guess I can pray and love them.

Continuing with my trip to the East. Itinerary looks like this so far..

• April 29, Thursday: 21030- depart LAX
• April 30, Friday:
• 300- Arrive BWI (Baltimore-Washington Intl.)
• Cab it Embassy Suit in Balti
• 1000- pick up from Biaera Tech
• 1100-Get to Frederick, lunch, check in with George.
• 2pm Presentation
• 630 dinner with Biaera Tech
• May 1^st Saturday:
• 800 Drive to Rockville morning
• 1000 Check in IESO
• 1100 Turn in proposal
• 1230 Luncheon
• Enjoy MD
• May 2^nd Sunday:
• Golf with Directors of IESO (Fail)
• Hopefully church
• Free day at Rockville
• May 3^rd Monday:
• 800 work at Biaera Tech
• 1400 head to Mas Labs in Delaware
• Check in hotel in Delaware
• May 4^th Tuesday:
• 1000 MasLab- the day ends...
• Hello MasLabs let’s talk…
• Branch here CA
• Partner Biaera Tech and MasLabs together
• Talk about Aerobio Lab assoc, inc.
• May 5^th Wednesday:
• Back to Maryland
• Report back to Biaera
• 1720 flight to NY
• 1900 Hello NYC
• May 6^th Thursday:
• Who knows…
• May 7^th Friday:
• 1515 Suppose to fly back to LA…
• May Extend it…


*Biaera is accommodating me with their company car and lodging. :)