Of course that's not the case here. Today was one of those days that I would normally would just want to kick it back, drink, and suffer. After a long boring day at work, I get to deal with friends who aren't in particularly behaving well. In the book of James, chapter 3 verse 1-14 (I think...) It talks about us humans having an untamed tongue, yet we still need to try and make the most out of the power of words that comes out of us or the words that we keep inside of us. I feel like this past half week, I've been just attacked by the devil.
My patience is really tested. Jealousy begins to creep inside of me and I wanted things to be different. I wanted people to be more of who they are in God, and not else where. I wanted what this world is offering and I'm not getting much response from my Father in heaven. Do I have to go on my knees again because that's what I'm feeling right now. I just feel very lonely and sad. I have friends that say that they care, but the way they treat others is unacceptable for me. Then how can they be my friends?
As the day went by I've gotten more annoyed and frustrated. I almost gotten to a point of explosion and doing something stupid. I wanted trouble. I wanted a spark from the outside world to just get me going. I'm thankful that I had this experience of controlling my anger and my honest frustration.
Surprisingly, the person that I wasn't expecting to be there for me tonight showed up and he was actually very nice. Not to be extreme, but he was attentive and was a great brother. I needed that. I probably would have lost it and may have gotten a drink. I've been clean for almost three months. I feel pretty good about it. I don't need alcohol, really. It's not a necessity for me anymore. I'm comfortable for people to drink around me, I just personally don't need it.
I just never understood people today. Irrationality, rudeness, insincerity, dishonesty, unnecessary comments, and just discouraging remarks were everywhere today. Coming from close friends and to even non close friends. A day like this wants me to go back to my own self. I'm surrounded with Christian folks who has a heart, but often times gives me trouble for fun. It may be perhaps fun to them, but I am the one suffering inside here. I can't handle it all sometimes. And there's not a single person in my circle of friends who understands how I feel. I'm in the middle of this chaos. Just withstanding everything. Great!
There shouldn't be any issues or problems unless we don't think so. However, everyone around me is noticing things that I should just be oblivious to. I care too much and it has been killing me. I need to be saved in this district. I love God, and I believe in Jesus. He told me to make disciples of men. And I am... I know it's not easy, but I am also just human. I need others t step up and be in the middle with me. I don't like picking sides. I am annoyed by that. I like pretty much everyone, and that's also a problem. Take me in Lord....
I'm giving God my all. Everything.... my feelings, my emotions, my body, and my heart. I can't have someone else put a beat in my heart. You God made me;therefore, has put a beat in my heart. I can't be fooled by a woman's charm, a piece of cake, a camping trip, friends dating who knows, etc. I pray tonight and this weekend that I can just focus on my creator. Everything is going to be okay. I'm happy to see others happy, but that's never the case and I really need to realize this. I am falling behind making others happy, rather than focusing on my happiness. aaaaaagh....
I could punch a whole on the wall and feel nothing. I should sleep it off.... tomorrow's a new day and I should not have any expectations. It will be fine. I will just hand it to you God. I'll be myself and be who you made me to be. Which is awesome. Done.
No comments:
Post a Comment