Bittersweet

I'd be lying to you if I tell you that I'm good or tell you that I'm miserable. I'm okay. The bad could only get worse and the good can always get better. God knows the best, and God knows the worst. He died for my sins and everyone else's. There's always grace, so why be down and out. Sadness can sink in. Frustrations, irritations, depressions have pills for it, but it can't consume lives because there's more beauty to life than being always dark and negative. People have an idea of what's best or what's worst.

I always learn a lesson everyday. I end my days writing something on my notebook even if it's one word. The word for the past month or so has been "bittersweet". God likes to surprise me with something worth celebrating, then adds a twist to it. It's okay. Focus on the sweet part and just leave the bitter part later. I think it just has to blend. Solution: make adjustments and be faithful and not prideful. It's not something for people to give me sad faces and tell me that, that sucks. I'm happy for whatever makes people happy, as long as it's justifiably moral. Even if the situation could cause broken hearts. I couldn't really do much, but to live fruitfully. However, if I am not then something's up. Question is am I? It's mutual. I always want to challenge myself. But am I doing it in a smart way?

I've taken the strength finder's test and tested out to be in a more impacting and relating to people. Never did I have anything on the striving, or thinking part. I'm just big on influencing and helping people. I'd give someone a kidney if someone asks me for it. If I like you, you don't even have to ask me. I'll just offer it you.

Ever seen those movies where a sacrifice has to be made for the good of all? Yes. When someone has to stay or go and die, so that he/she could save a planet, a ship, a city, a person, etc. Every story has an end. Life ends at some point. Anything has a beginning and an end. But there are certain things that are everlasting. The memory lanes aren't going anywhere, history will remain history, and love never ends.

I remain quiet. It's bittersweet. Blood's pumping through my body and I'm just staring at the wonderful blue sky trying to make shapes out of the clouds. Sometimes I laugh about things, sometimes I just become a bum about things. It's okay! I'll keep dreaming good dreams and fight the bad dreams. Even though I wake up very early for no reason and being very exhausted for sleeping late.

There's a lot of work that needs to be done. I shall remain "asleep" and wait until God wakes me up for that right one. It's time to persevere and to be strong. There has to be or else I'll just be bitter. It's funny, how some of my peers are reacting when I show them the sad, melodramatic side of me. It is what it is, and it's time to push through it. Life has a lot more to offer than chips and cherries.

Deer

I haven't been good with words lately. I've been staring at this white background for some days and nights when I'm not busy. I've spoken and vented on people about how I feel and I've written notes onto my journal, but I can't somewhat type it out. Prayer keeps me afloat. It keeps me level headed on things that's happening around me, and with me. If it is what it is, then it is what it is. I won't complain. The man in me cries out loud, but my Father in heaven calls the shots. I'm just here to listen. Not quite sure how to feel about things yet. Just of now, I'm just doing what I'm doing. Creating more things to worry about, stress about, and cry about. Fantastic! Certain things in life where we just have no control of, and I don't want to control other people's lives; unless they're driving themselves off the bridge.

So what cheers me up these days? Perhaps a deer? Random. Yes. When we encounter a deer in the wild, our breathe catches. We're just transfixed by their graceful features and delicate movements. These four legged creatures from the family cervidae symbolizes lots of things- love, happiness, grace, beauty, spirituality, benevolence, and the list goes on. Oh deer. They come and then go. Some gets old, and some gets mauled by their predators. Sometimes they're hunted for games. Deer meat is delicious, not that I have tried it. Maybe. I'm not sure, but I'm sure our ancestors loved deer. Even nowadays, hunters love deer meat. I know, I'm just writing about deers. My state of mind changes every 10 seconds. It's very annoying. However, everything seems to be negative. I really have to be like a deer and look at the bright side. I think, the mentality of not wanting anyone to worry is getting me again. I want to take everyone's worry and carry it with me to the top of the mountain. I want to add it to my stack of worries. And I don't really know why I do so. "Our prayers for others flow more easily than those for ourselves. This shows we are meant to live by charity"-C.S. Lewis.

It's either black or white. It's either I care or I don't care. I don't know where the middle line is. I'm not sure where the gray area is. It's either heaven or hell. I see and hear people say that they're Christian, but really not acting like one. Where's the conscience and self-awareness? Sure, sin runs in our veins. I struggle everyday by just standing out in this world and representing Jesus. I'm under attack all the time at work, and all I can do is smile, love, and pray. We have to live above reproach. Just because I see people doing it, or saying it doesn't mean that I have to copy it. It doesn't mean that we have to be like those men and women in Matthew 27 who yelled "let him be crucified". The crowd totally took offense at Jesus because of His wisdom and ability to perform miracles although He was one of them. That's ridicule, but it's true. He did only good to and for them, but they took great offense. I'm taking a side. I chose to live my life full of fun and adventure as God rejoices in my joy as I acknowledge that fun as glorifying to Him. Jesus was accused to be so many things such as a drunkard, a man of darkness, etc. I realize that it's not always about not going to places or being apart of situations because people might think badly of you. It's always doing things that glorify God so that in those pure motives we can work out our salvation. Yes, it sometimes can be abstaining to benefit another, but I think we miss the important part of living above reproach is about living blamelessly so that we the accusations come, as they will, we can stand before God as those called righteous. Those that did not break the Law of God set in place for our benefit. And those who lived with great integrity and freedom because our God loves to see His children exclaiming the satisfaction they find in Him through means some may label differently.

They came to him and said, "Teacher, we know you are a man of integrity. You aren't swayed by men, because you pay no attention to who they are; but you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth. Is it right to pay taxes to Ceasar or not? Should we pay or shouldn't we?" But Jesus knew their hypocrisy. "Why are you trying to trap me?" he asked. "Bring me a denarius and let me look at it." They brought the coin, and he asked them, "Whose portrait is this? And whose inscription?""Caesar's," they replied. The Jesus said to them, "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's." And they were amazed at him. -Mark 14:13-17

Deers probably have more integrity than some people. Deers don't pay attention to who they are. They're just going to eat grass all day and play with each other. Be chased by a tiger and run away from hunters. I've been thinking a lot, studying, praying, and just processing things. I get people out of trouble, and see them happy. Everyone's happy around me, and I keep getting myself stuck, perhaps growing. Getting to that goal of what? I don't even know anymore. I read. I learn. I ponder. I see. I listen. I observe. Just like a deer I learn from older deers, and I grow as I get older and mature as I venture. I just need to give myself a minute to think, then I'll give myself a chance to make better decisions. Everything now seems temporary. The future holds more for me. In the end, I don't want to loose it. I don't want to lose. I want to win, I want to escape the predators and not be drawn by shiny things, and comfort.

Chapter 3 of 2nd Timothy sums it up. I am in training for righteousness (v. 16). Everyone who wants to live a godly life in Jesus Christ will be persecuted (v.11). I'm trying to envision my life w/o Christ and it just seems empty. It may have looked like a very crazy-party lifestyle where the direction is just towards sin all the time. I can still party-crazy, stand out, and be different. However, I'm just more aware now of everything. My senses are better now. I get it now. It's good to be well rounded. I understand that I can't excel at everything, as much as I want to be good at everything. I know that I'm only gifted in certain things. I can't be everything. It's okay. I just need my essentials.

... This entry has been worked on and off... Fail...

Mumble-Jumble

This whole concept of "time is money, and money is time" is evil. How about "time is a gift from God, and we must give Him time"? I like that idea better. If I can spend an entire day, an entire day, focused on God. Not a wasted second where I think of a penny, or an issue, or ice cream. I'm getting close to it. A few minutes a day, becomes an hour a day, becomes a day a week, becomes a week a month, becomes a month a year, becomes every other year, becomes a lifetime. Bam! That day will come when there's no deadlines, when I eat whenever I eat, I go wherever I go by foot, I sleep when it's time to sleep, I love everything that moves. Constantly praying in my head, out loud, singing it, dancing, making it. When sensation, thoughts, beliefs, desires and choosing over-powers rational thinking, and logic. As long as it has commonality with the bible, then where Jesus goes I'll go, what Jesus did, I'll do. Now Jesus never got married, because he married us. He never had kids because we are his kids. A good book to read would be "Married to Jesus", by Matthew White. I haven't read it yet, but I'm looking forward to it. Just like looking forward to courtship, my wedding day, honeymoon, date nights, kids, and grandkids. If it happens, if it doesn't its okay. I won't back down. I forgot my priorities after my number one priority who is God. The list is in mumble-jumble right now and that's probably why my black hair is turning grey.

There's more to these. There's more to inspecting houses, paying taxes, setting up a lab, marketing & advertising, writing contracts, and keeping up to date on everything. It's just not me. Then what is me? Good question. I want to cook for you. I want to go in the back yard pick a live chicken and kill it for supper. I want to take my ragged car and drive it to anywhere. I want to be able to serve people not feeling like I'm doing it to get resources or for my own good. I don't need to shop for myself, yet I do enjoy it. I go to the market and I see a huge variety of bread. I just want bread. Thank you for enticing my eyes with the huge amount of yeast used to make em'. I want to live in a small town, where I don't need to feel like I need to impress everyone. I'm not. Yet, people around me still thinks that they're higher or thinks that they're better than everyone else. Can I just be simple, yet bountiful, full of joy, enthusiastic about life? I want to go and pick vegetables, and make stew. I don't need this city to create this image of a man of today. I am a man of myself, who glorifies God, and follows Jesus's footsteps. Perhaps, I can't turn water into wine, or turn rocks into bread. However, I can go pick fruits and squeeze me some lemons to make me lemonade, or go fishing until I have enough fish to clean and cook. It seems like I've done more growing up than I've done now that I'm a grown up. Perhaps being exposed to the city life was a bad idea. My parents wanted me to excel out in the world. Okay, mom and dad. I got it. Now I don't want it. I want to live like my great grandparents who had it simple, yet blissful. I want a farm, I want a small little shack by the ocean. I want to live freely, I want to be able to use my gifts and skills for a better purpose. I don't want to gain anything. I want to give everything away. I want blackouts, I want to go to my own well to get water. I want to get sick and have the town's doctor heal me. I want fresh fish from the lake. I want fresh milk straight from the cow. I want bucket showers. I want to not have to deal with the government, but still be obeying. I want to be naked and free.

Sure, there's other people out there who desires that, but have they lived it? I am jealous for those who are genuinely happy with their lives who are far from smog, kfc, malls, and tall buildings. Even though, I once wanted to own my own building in downtown LA. I miss those days where you wake up from a screaming rooster, where you get to feed animals, and read books on a mid day and drink goat's milk and take siestas. Waking up and it's low tide and you just chase birds, fly a kite, or hold hands with someone all afternoon by the sunset. Walking for a few kilometers to get to the market, instead of taking the train or driving. Finding shells to collects and tree branches to use for kindling. Lighting candles instead of turning on the power. Using a cardboard as a fan and the arms get tired of fanning yourself. Going on a boat trip to go dive and explore coral reefs. To be in a crazy storms where it looks like the whole house is going to fly. I want adventure. I want to live it again. Just to see bugs crawling around, or a spider excites me because that mean that mother nature is visiting us. I know, I guess I'm weird like that. I use to play with spiders growing up. I put them in little match boxes and treat them as pets. Also raced cockroaches growing up in the streets of Asia. I also used to catch dragonflies and other bugs that looks cool out in farms in Europe. I want to ice fish in Antarctica and suffer the cold weather. I want to meet the Maasai in Africa and live with them for a long time. I want wake up from a rooster yelling at me and not my stupid alarm clock or my subconscious self that's telling me that I have to be up cause I have an eight thirty meeting. I tried doing a little bit of research and it's either going for a vacation or a mission is the case. What about to go for the juice of it, I don't want to fruit. I want the juice. I'm on a mission anywhere I go, work, home, church, market, mall, beach... I don't have to go far to reach out to people, there's people here.

This society is upgrading everything. You can actually purchase a water proof bible now. People are so in rush nowadays, it's driving me nuts. It's not like I can't keep up, but what's the rush? Really?! So that we can accomplish more, to have more time, to see more, to gain more? Wouldn't that just be like telling God to keep up with our business and our crazy schedules? I don't know. I like a fast phase life, but not thinking for my own gain. Sometimes I am guilty of doing this faster, so that I gain more. There are times in life where you just gotta be quick and fast. For example, in the kitchen when you're cooking a dish and it has to be done chop-chop. Or when a kid is choking on a chicken bone, gotta be quick to react. A big picture example would be getting all the family members together for a family picture, now if that can't be done fast and quick, it'll never get done. Is it selfish to be always in a rush because there's no time for this or that? If there is time, God will make time. I look around and people want more. I look at the mirror, and I'm guilty of the same thing. Bob!Adam and Eve wanted more. Jesus only wanted us us to follow him and do his works on our own pace. He never told us to hurry, nor to slow down. As long as the Holy Spirit is within us, then let the Spirit lead. Galatians 5:22-23a NIV "But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control". King James said it a little differently, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance". Now I'm not sure why it went from long suffering to patience and temperance to self-control. Patience doesn't usually involve suffering nowadays, but it actually does for the new generation. Kids start to throw a tantrum when they don't get what they want. Teens start to rebel when they can't have what they want. Adults... well they know better, right? Sitting in traffic would be a great example of people's patience. I mean, understandable that there's a lot of people with cars that are driving to wherever they're going. Some are running late, some are doing fine with time, and some could care less. Yet 30% out of those 33.333% of them people wants to be wherever they want to be as soon as possible. For those who are running late, I understand punctuality is important, but it is what it is. Pray about it, maybe traffic would split like the red sea. For those who are doing fine with time, I understand being early is good, but you're still going to be on time. For those who don't need to be somewhere at a certain time, I understand that you want to be able to do more things when you get to wherever you go, how about start praying while being stuck in traffic. Talk out loud in the car like I do, talk to your creator, talk to God. Ask him why the red Miata doesn't know the difference between the gas and the break pedal. I don't know, but for those who aren't in any time stress, traffic is, will always be there. Now where is the long suffering in that? Oh ya, the sitting on traffic is suffering because I can do so much more with this wasted time. False, time is never wasted. God gave us time, be thankful. It's not just here in America, I've seen it all over the world.

Maybe someone could desire a life away from the city or to be able to get away and go to a place where it could be like a paradise island. But for how long can they last? Then about 80% of them come back and do what they're used to doing- which is perhaps working on a desk, or going back to that lab, office, company, garage, yard, house, project. I don't understand the purpose of wanting something that's temporary. Yes, there are things out there that's temporary. Like jobs, cars, houses, clothes, light bulbs, microwaves, pizza, etc. Why can't we desire something that's everlasting? Something that's infinite and more vital to living; like a closer relationship to God, or a loving relationship with ya'll fellow brothers and sisters, a family, a church, and that community fueled by faith. I think with all that, the temporaries will just come along. There will be light bulbs, there will be clothes, there will be pizza. This world's not that destroyed yet. There's still hope.

...I slightly dislike paper work and everything is done in paper nowadays. Everywhere ya go, there's paper involve. You go to a restaurant you get a paper receipt. You go drive somewhere and you have to have a paper things like license, insurance, and registration. You go to church and there's flyers. You go to the bathroom, there's toilet paper. Money is made out of paper. Any type of work deals with paper. Yes, paper is important. I agree. Tsai Lun, a Chinese fellow invented paper. Good job. Now, what if people just ate, slept, stayed warm, enjoy, love, and worship God? Wouldn't that just be great! Oh sin... look what you've done....

It is my dream to make this happen to not have to have plans. I want to live my life where I don't have to make a plan, God just directs and I follow. I want to make plans as they go. No more plan a,b,c,d,e...x,y,z. I have a vision, I dream it, I see it, I will take it and own it. I don't know how I'm going to be able too, but I know that God provides. And all this time the Spirit lives in me because of fruits are beginning to ripen in me. The fruits of love, joy, peace, long sufferings (patience), gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control (temperance) is slowly ripening inside of me and it's time for picking. Now will I be perfect at this? Of course not, it is in my nature to crave that apple that Eve picked. I'll always think that I don't have a plan even though I do. It's efficient, but more driven towards the fruits of the Spirit. I'm still going to use logic, be rational, and use common sense. However, I'm working on having my sensation, thoughts, beliefs, desires, and choosing focused on God every time of my life. I want to feel the Holy Spirit working in me everyday. I want to be always thinking that God is always there for me. I know and believe that God is everywhere and anywhere in this world even in dark corners. My desire should only be to glorify and to worship God, and to be able to follow his Son and to be filled with the Spirit. And I choose God over anything else. Amen!

Letter to Mamma

Mamma,

I love you! I probably don't say it, but I want you to know that I do. I won't be here if it wasn't for you. I love you because you've been by my side since I was a baby. Remember the time when you used to read Papa's letters to me when he was abroad? Remember when you used to take me to swim practice everyday, and you'd make me lunch at school? I usually get excited when you make me those hotdog sandwiches. Those were the good days. You still make me food because you're awesome. I thank you so much for staying strong, and being the woman that you are now.

I love you! You've yelled at me, spanked me, made me food, clothed me, drove me, taught me things, and took care of me. I know that most of the time we don't meet eye to eye, but you're still my Mamma. Remember when I took the car without asking and crashed it and you got mega-super mad at me? You were like possessed. Then I left you a note saying "i'm sorry". You know that I'm not good with confrontations, but I think I've outgrown that. We've had our days of quarrels and battles, but nothing changes and no matter what happens in the end you're still my Mamma. I'll be your son. I will take care of you when you get old. I got your back Ma'.

I love you! I pray to God everyday for your safety and well being. Psalm 139:13 "You (God) made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb". God has planted me in you Ma'. I'm God's gift. That's what my name means, you've named me John. I'm your first born. Who'd expect that I'm here 26 years later writing you a letter. I want to make you proud Ma'. I will. I'm your son, John. I know you well, and I'm trying to show you who I am now. I love God, and I want to follow Jesus.

I love you! You're the first woman in my life. I'm your first little man. I'm big now. I know how you've wanted me to grow up and become someone. I am, who I am now. That someone is a man that you've watched and seen fall, get up, and do it over and over again. I really do appreciate you Mama. There's a lot more in our relationship. I want it to be more, and I know that there's always room to make it better. I'm adapting. I'm accepting. I'm proud to be your son, as you are proud to be a mother to three beautiful children. Remember when people would comment to you and tell you how incredibly good looking I am? Yes, you do. And I remember how you reacted, you'd say it's because I look like you. And I'd deny it. Sorry.

I love you! You're like wonder woman to me. You've been through a lot. I look up to your bravery and courage to take on things, big or small, and getting through it. You and I both know that I'm not sure where I'll end up. I'm sorry for being so unpredictable. But no matter what happens, I want you to know that I'll always be here for you. My precious Mama. I'm running out of words, but last things I want to tell you is that I LOVE YOU MAMA!

Love, John

Here in Maryland

So far, so well... My mind's been at peace. It's good to be away, I just haven't really been talking lately. A lot of thinking and praying. All is work, not so much fun out here. However, I did made golf fun this morning by driving golf carts like a maniac. I couldn't find a way to escape the company and they're really intrigue by me. I guess I'm interesting. A bunch of middle aged men and John Ram. Eating a lot of food out here. Why not, food is good. I had the best tapa's ever the other night. All I did today, when the crew realize that there's no way that I'm playing golf with them, is sit by in front a tv watch my Lakers, and eat pistachio ice cream on a cone. That was good. I'm just going to be real with these people and see if it works or not. I think Biaera Tech is scared of me since I'm from Los Angeles. Honestly, there's nothing to be scared of. They're a really good company, and I'm helping them, so that they could help me promote their equipment and our business to other aero-labs out there. I know the company name isn't exactly end with 'lab', but the point is that these labs would, could, should use our lab here in LA for an LA branch. It's not rocket science, the rocket science comes in on Tuesday when I deal with Mas-Labs in Delaware, to offer them a new way of dealing with black mold and a convenient way to make the test a whole lot easier. And all that's needed is a piece of equipment that Biaera has and they just didn't maximize its capacity until we ordered the equipment and started using it and I started tweaking it. Magic! I want to hear an applause. ha! Only thing is that, what if the other biotech companies out there has already figured it out and already told these major aero-labs about it. Then that's okay. I tried, and that's that. Long story; short, this trip has been okay so far. I have been thinking a lot in a more calmer way.

I'm typing through my scrappy laptop as well that's just really slow. I just want it to be Wednesday afternoon already. I just realize that I'm doing a lot of driving this next few days. And the car that I'm driving doesn't have an iPod adapter. I guess I'll be talking to God a lot in the next three days. As I have been doing in the past 3 days. I finally recovered from the lack of sleep and the fatigue of just running around trying to get things done. My knees hurt, and I can't be as mobile as I want to be. I am sad. I guess that's okay. It reminds me a verse in Ecclesiastes, chapter 7:3 "Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart". I appreciate all the blessing and gifts that I have given. I can't expect anything else. I'm blessed to have this couple adopt me for a while here in MD. They have no kids, dude works for Biaera and she's a pt, and have been in love for like 13 years. Non-Christians, unfortunate, but I'm grilling them about Jesus. Too bad, I'm leaving to Delaware tomorrow. Two and a half hours of driving, by myself in the East Coast. Fun! I really will miss their irresistible love for each other. I'll be back to say hello and goodbye Wednesday. They were so much in disbelief when I told them that I'm not married, and single. They want to set me up with some of their friend's friends and thought that they'd love me since I'm from the west coast and that I'm so colorful. I think they refer to my skin color. I love meeting cute couples who's been married and still rocking it for more than 10 years. That's love.

That was one of the few conversation that I've had this weekend. Most of my conversations were with God. Just mumbling to him about stuff. I'm going crazy, at least people think I am. Not really good for business. O well. I've been doing a lot of strolls, walks, jogs and a lot of reading and just quiet time. I really didn't want to get on my computer for this reason or any reason, but I just needed to write it or talk it out. I feel really good to be away. I missed a few things, like a camera, my flash drive (thank goodness for the internet), and under garments. I forgot that I'm wearing khaki and slacks around. Well good things they're cheap. I bought some yesterday. I should budget, but I kind of just went on "i don't care" mode. It's just moneys. I'm here to make more, and God will provide. If he doesn't then, I'll be on welfare. If he does, I'll still be on welfare. My boss and I are in constant communications as I am also representing him as well. He should've just came with me, but someone has to stay back to run the office. Anyways, I'm used to the three hour difference already. I was miserable when the plane landed Friday and the sun's up. I forgot my sunglasses too. Failure. Anyways, looking forward for a productive and fun week. I miss church. I miss blue. I'll be back soon!

...Reading Romans 12. So many treasures in that short chapter. I just gotta keep swimming. Just keep swimming... just keep swimming... The bible give me joy. Oh Paul, I want to work for this guy. And I want to be best friends with John. He was Jesus's best friend. I want to be best friends with my Savior's best friend. He also wrote the last book in the bible. These guys are awesome! People asked me before who can I relate too the most out of all the dudes in the bible. I'd say right now, it's John. Hey, I'm John. I'm kind of like a John. I am a John. Jesus's told him to take care of his mom Mary. In a humbling way, if anyone asks me to take care of their moms or them, I will. He was the first one to question Jesus when Jesus announced to his disciples that someone's going to betray him. I always wonder if I did wrong, or if I'm doing wrong, or if I'll do wrong. I never know sometime... Well, I do know. I just sometimes slip. John was super excited to see Jesus when he found out that the tomb was empty. I'd be that guy. It's just a funny thing to think about. I'm now intrigued by John's biography. Maybe I can find more to compare. It's just my mind flying around like a fly around a burning wick. La la la... This is what happens when I've been cast away.