Deer

I haven't been good with words lately. I've been staring at this white background for some days and nights when I'm not busy. I've spoken and vented on people about how I feel and I've written notes onto my journal, but I can't somewhat type it out. Prayer keeps me afloat. It keeps me level headed on things that's happening around me, and with me. If it is what it is, then it is what it is. I won't complain. The man in me cries out loud, but my Father in heaven calls the shots. I'm just here to listen. Not quite sure how to feel about things yet. Just of now, I'm just doing what I'm doing. Creating more things to worry about, stress about, and cry about. Fantastic! Certain things in life where we just have no control of, and I don't want to control other people's lives; unless they're driving themselves off the bridge.

So what cheers me up these days? Perhaps a deer? Random. Yes. When we encounter a deer in the wild, our breathe catches. We're just transfixed by their graceful features and delicate movements. These four legged creatures from the family cervidae symbolizes lots of things- love, happiness, grace, beauty, spirituality, benevolence, and the list goes on. Oh deer. They come and then go. Some gets old, and some gets mauled by their predators. Sometimes they're hunted for games. Deer meat is delicious, not that I have tried it. Maybe. I'm not sure, but I'm sure our ancestors loved deer. Even nowadays, hunters love deer meat. I know, I'm just writing about deers. My state of mind changes every 10 seconds. It's very annoying. However, everything seems to be negative. I really have to be like a deer and look at the bright side. I think, the mentality of not wanting anyone to worry is getting me again. I want to take everyone's worry and carry it with me to the top of the mountain. I want to add it to my stack of worries. And I don't really know why I do so. "Our prayers for others flow more easily than those for ourselves. This shows we are meant to live by charity"-C.S. Lewis.

It's either black or white. It's either I care or I don't care. I don't know where the middle line is. I'm not sure where the gray area is. It's either heaven or hell. I see and hear people say that they're Christian, but really not acting like one. Where's the conscience and self-awareness? Sure, sin runs in our veins. I struggle everyday by just standing out in this world and representing Jesus. I'm under attack all the time at work, and all I can do is smile, love, and pray. We have to live above reproach. Just because I see people doing it, or saying it doesn't mean that I have to copy it. It doesn't mean that we have to be like those men and women in Matthew 27 who yelled "let him be crucified". The crowd totally took offense at Jesus because of His wisdom and ability to perform miracles although He was one of them. That's ridicule, but it's true. He did only good to and for them, but they took great offense. I'm taking a side. I chose to live my life full of fun and adventure as God rejoices in my joy as I acknowledge that fun as glorifying to Him. Jesus was accused to be so many things such as a drunkard, a man of darkness, etc. I realize that it's not always about not going to places or being apart of situations because people might think badly of you. It's always doing things that glorify God so that in those pure motives we can work out our salvation. Yes, it sometimes can be abstaining to benefit another, but I think we miss the important part of living above reproach is about living blamelessly so that we the accusations come, as they will, we can stand before God as those called righteous. Those that did not break the Law of God set in place for our benefit. And those who lived with great integrity and freedom because our God loves to see His children exclaiming the satisfaction they find in Him through means some may label differently.

They came to him and said, "Teacher, we know you are a man of integrity. You aren't swayed by men, because you pay no attention to who they are; but you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth. Is it right to pay taxes to Ceasar or not? Should we pay or shouldn't we?" But Jesus knew their hypocrisy. "Why are you trying to trap me?" he asked. "Bring me a denarius and let me look at it." They brought the coin, and he asked them, "Whose portrait is this? And whose inscription?""Caesar's," they replied. The Jesus said to them, "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's." And they were amazed at him. -Mark 14:13-17

Deers probably have more integrity than some people. Deers don't pay attention to who they are. They're just going to eat grass all day and play with each other. Be chased by a tiger and run away from hunters. I've been thinking a lot, studying, praying, and just processing things. I get people out of trouble, and see them happy. Everyone's happy around me, and I keep getting myself stuck, perhaps growing. Getting to that goal of what? I don't even know anymore. I read. I learn. I ponder. I see. I listen. I observe. Just like a deer I learn from older deers, and I grow as I get older and mature as I venture. I just need to give myself a minute to think, then I'll give myself a chance to make better decisions. Everything now seems temporary. The future holds more for me. In the end, I don't want to loose it. I don't want to lose. I want to win, I want to escape the predators and not be drawn by shiny things, and comfort.

Chapter 3 of 2nd Timothy sums it up. I am in training for righteousness (v. 16). Everyone who wants to live a godly life in Jesus Christ will be persecuted (v.11). I'm trying to envision my life w/o Christ and it just seems empty. It may have looked like a very crazy-party lifestyle where the direction is just towards sin all the time. I can still party-crazy, stand out, and be different. However, I'm just more aware now of everything. My senses are better now. I get it now. It's good to be well rounded. I understand that I can't excel at everything, as much as I want to be good at everything. I know that I'm only gifted in certain things. I can't be everything. It's okay. I just need my essentials.

... This entry has been worked on and off... Fail...