I have a huge head ache. It's big-huge. Just came out of no where. Unexpected. It's not really great. You know when you have like a TON of problems and you keep expressing them or telling anyone about it, and you try to keep it all to yourself and just one night. One night it comes rushing into your brain and there's like a stampede going on in your head that it causes it to ache. Well that's what I'm feeling right now. It was so bad, that I sent my father an email. I haven't written to him for like a year and a half, I don't know where he's in or what he's doing with his life. I just asked if he can find me any connections in the poorest country that he may have been recently or wherever he thinks is best for me to go to become a missionary. Either to build a church for the unsaved, build a hospital for the sick, build a food center for the hungry, or build a shelter for the homeless or just all of the above. I want to make a difference, and I just don't feel like it's here in the US right now. I haven't made my mark yet. There' still a lot to be done, and I know my gifts and one of them is to reach out to people who needs assistance. I can do it here, but everything seems to be given to them in a silver platter and Americans just need to do something about it and not be lazy about it. In other countries, they're just born poor and die poor. Every person can do something about their lives in this continent. While others has no choice but to work at the age of four. It breaks my heart. It just does.... and it gives me a head ache just thinking about my own problems.

The fullness of this blog is me. It's been a week since this blog has begun. The feeling of writing is there, but the time to write and sit in front of my very slow computer is hindering me from doing so. Anyways, I'm trying to find every window possible. Like right now. Wow!

St. Patrick's Day just passed. I have been in a bit of a juggle. Coming from a prank battle over the weekend, to a dear friend leaving back to Germany. Work hasn't been any exciting. The economy does not look any promising. Sickness came and visit me, so now I'm coughing. My car is slightly squeaking. What else? God still loves me. I hope my own mother still loves me. I'm just glad that I have enough of what I need. I'm not sure of how long I can last living like this, but I'm sure I can be creative with whatever come up.

I cannot complain. Nope.

I have been busy... pooo 

My birthday is over....

It's over... The day is over. It's bittersweet. The feeling's mutual. I got what I wanted in a magnified way. It's a good experience. Thought a lot about things. Made new goals. Tweaked a few life plans and perhaps opened my eyes to what's really front of me. Listened to worship music like pretty much for 16 hours out of the whole 24 hour day. Crazy! I know. I feel so much in tune w/ God. I love it! Teared up a little. Actually, more like cried like a man. It's like there's bone stuck inside of me. It was hard to let everything go. Especially when your alone out in the public eyes somewhere and you're scared that people would hear you. It was quite hard. It was a lot of mix emotions. I was happy that I'm alive, also very sad if I have lived a life that has been satisfying my God. I look at the past and it seems meaningless. I'm looking at now, and I still don't feel like I deserve anything. Prayed over it like a thousand times today. I wasn't even hungry until the sun was setting and it's almost dinner time. 

"What has happened to us is a result of our evil deeds and out great guilt, and yet, our God, you have punished us less than our sins have deserved and have given us a remnant like this..."

"O Lord, God of Israel, you are righteous! We are left this day as remnant. Here we are before you in our guilt, though because of it not one of us can stand in your presence."

-Ezra 9:13,15

After a good amount of years being lost and away. I'm still accepted in heaven. Crazy!  Even though here on earth, I've been rejected by many. I am guilty for not always doing what is said. I am guilty for having the wrong desires. I have been punished by the means of unreal circumstances. But that doesn't justify anything that I've done more in the past. It's weird how I cried more of what others have done to me rather than being really saddened by the things that I've done to people. Maybe I do deserve to be alone. Maybe I deserve this weird feeling of being alone of my birthday. It was pure loneliness. The only day of the year when you're suppose to be special. I feel special everyday... But now this world has set that mentality that it's your birthday; therefore, we shall celebrate.

I guess we should celebrate our birthdays. We do celebrate Christmas. Even though Jesus was probably born around October according to resarch of those smart ones. I think, this is the last year I'll be hiding  on my birthday. Well I'd still like it to be on the down low, but I would like to have some people around me. One or two people that i know, instead of the cashier lady or the usher dude. I learned my lesson. Let's move on. I'm excited to see what's in store for me. 

Birthdays...

Oh yay, it's my birthday. It happens once a year. It's been happening for 25 years now. It's nice to celebrate life, it's just that i don't really want to feel any special at all. Selfish am I? No, I don't really care for what others feel about my birthday. I grew up having lavished parties and crazy celebrations. I get older and I'm excited to just grow older just like everybody else. Do I need to announce it to the world? I don't see the reason why, unless they ask. Do I keep it as a secret? Guilty, I am. I never think of me as important anyways. I am weird, I guess. Sure, I do certain things on my birthday. Like maybe dress nice, or give myself a nice treat. I think I'm special, but for other to think that I am special. Skepticism comes to me. It's just that, people are so nice to the birthday celebrant. What happens if it's not their birthday? Does it have to be always that it's someones birthday when they have to be treated special. Why can't we treat each other special everyday of the year. It's the day when I was born. Hurray! What happens tomorrow? I get recognized because it's my birthday? I thank those who remembers or finds out it is my birthday. Forgive me if I don't remember yours. I don't think I deserve a party right now. I don't feel accomplished. I'm not a failure,  I just have such a high standard on life. Remember when you had that 5 year goal five years ago. And now what? Sometimes things don't go your way. I've had a good layout of how I want to live my life. I went from plan A to probably plan K. No regrets, at least my plan goes all the way thru plan W. I know I have some pride issues. There we go. It's a work on progress. I'm a work on progress. 

I think me being saved and in the arms of the Father is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'd rather celebrate the day of my true baptism, May 4th of last year. I think that needs more of a recognition rather than my real birth. 

Anyways, I love my birthday. I love getting older. I'm not hiding. I prefer nothing. All I want for my birthday is for everyone to love each other and smile. It's not that complicated. It's not that hard, at least for a day. I want people smiling. Happy! Joy! If there's anyone who would be giving me presents, I don't need anything. Just support a nonprofit and be proactive feed the hungry and maybe save the lonely. Thanks! Happy Birthday to ME!!!!

I'm alive!

It's time to restart the blogging. I'm excited, so should this earth. That "cloud" seems to be excited. Let's all be excited. I'm glad that I'm writing in public again. There's no shame on this one this time. I'm not here to judge nor criticize anything nor anyone. I'm here to publicly speak out what I feel like writing or giving out my own opinion on a few things. Maybe share an experience with Jesus. Do little research on the most random thing you could imagine. Creative writing is included and probably a short summary of anything that I would've come through. And most importantly, a little bit of me in everyday of my life. 

Oh life! Oh so thankful for this gift. Probably won't be alive and kicking if it wasn't for God, then the parents, then this earth. The parents probably won't exist without both the earth and God. Earth probably won't be as beautiful as it is without the people and won't exist without God. However, God would still be there with or without the earth nor the people. How awesome is that?! Pretty awesome! 

*A little warning to whoever may read this. I like to get off tangent a lot. I like spontaneity. I go very random my brain's scattered and me writing helps me relax and go with the flow. So if you can't handle this then you can just suck it up. 

For those who doesn't know me, or knows me but doesn't know me that well, or knows me well but doesn't really want to know me well, or whoever you may be and how you're connected to me. I welcome you to my world.