My birthday is over....

It's over... The day is over. It's bittersweet. The feeling's mutual. I got what I wanted in a magnified way. It's a good experience. Thought a lot about things. Made new goals. Tweaked a few life plans and perhaps opened my eyes to what's really front of me. Listened to worship music like pretty much for 16 hours out of the whole 24 hour day. Crazy! I know. I feel so much in tune w/ God. I love it! Teared up a little. Actually, more like cried like a man. It's like there's bone stuck inside of me. It was hard to let everything go. Especially when your alone out in the public eyes somewhere and you're scared that people would hear you. It was quite hard. It was a lot of mix emotions. I was happy that I'm alive, also very sad if I have lived a life that has been satisfying my God. I look at the past and it seems meaningless. I'm looking at now, and I still don't feel like I deserve anything. Prayed over it like a thousand times today. I wasn't even hungry until the sun was setting and it's almost dinner time. 

"What has happened to us is a result of our evil deeds and out great guilt, and yet, our God, you have punished us less than our sins have deserved and have given us a remnant like this..."

"O Lord, God of Israel, you are righteous! We are left this day as remnant. Here we are before you in our guilt, though because of it not one of us can stand in your presence."

-Ezra 9:13,15

After a good amount of years being lost and away. I'm still accepted in heaven. Crazy!  Even though here on earth, I've been rejected by many. I am guilty for not always doing what is said. I am guilty for having the wrong desires. I have been punished by the means of unreal circumstances. But that doesn't justify anything that I've done more in the past. It's weird how I cried more of what others have done to me rather than being really saddened by the things that I've done to people. Maybe I do deserve to be alone. Maybe I deserve this weird feeling of being alone of my birthday. It was pure loneliness. The only day of the year when you're suppose to be special. I feel special everyday... But now this world has set that mentality that it's your birthday; therefore, we shall celebrate.

I guess we should celebrate our birthdays. We do celebrate Christmas. Even though Jesus was probably born around October according to resarch of those smart ones. I think, this is the last year I'll be hiding  on my birthday. Well I'd still like it to be on the down low, but I would like to have some people around me. One or two people that i know, instead of the cashier lady or the usher dude. I learned my lesson. Let's move on. I'm excited to see what's in store for me.