Undo It

Sink or swim? Another race this morning. It was dark, it was wet, and it was darn cold. I knew what was coming. I'm surprised I didn't get hypothermia nor get a cold after. I was perfectly fine and even had time to shower after and look decent for church this morning. The swim was alright. The water was murky and cold. I wanted to finish well and get to shore faster than the rest of the entries. I couldn't really see who's ahead of me, I tripped and finished in 20 minutes. That wasn't so bad at all. I was just really-really cold. I finished!

Things are looking brighter, yet I feel like there will be a solar eclipse. I have been doing a lot of progress in terms of trying to become the better man in Christ. However, I am failing trying to become a better man at home and at work. It's baby steps. I know this. It's ain't going to be done over night. I won't collect all the resources over night and I won't be able to build and fix things over night. It takes a lot of patience and perseverance. I've taken steps to improve myself by having a consistent meetings with a mentor. And I've put it into action of trying to be proactive and being able to connect or reconnect with people a lot more these days. My career is on the edge right now for what it looks like to be a closing of something and hopefully a beginning of something new.

With that said, I am resigning from my job. I'm not exactly sure how things will work out, but I will be doing freelance testing, inspections, and other odd jobs to keep myself afloat for a while. While I'm trying to figure out which path I'm going to be taking.

Now this path that is laid upon me is a huge dilemma that's sitting in my heart. I haven't made any concrete decisions, yet I have made both huge steps into make something into nothing. I've drawn out the project plans, and filled out applications. I want to take all these paths all at the same time, while I'm still here. But, it is impossible to be at three or even just two places at once. I'm not married, no kids, no debt, no history of criminal records, no sickness or illness, nothing major, other than being crazy for Jesus.

I'm one and only John Ram! Sometimes I see myself with a wife, a kid, a pet fish, and a sedan. As I drive to work, I come home on a decent hour to do house choirs. I clean, water the plants, run the dishwasher, and feed the fish. I even have a project in the garage that I'm working on. Take my kid to the playground, cook dinner, and have time to go do bible study at church or lead somewhere. On the weekends, the fam bam goes out of town. Fly's a kite by the beach, have a picnic. Do a small hike w/ a stroller or a baby carrier and watch the sunset with my future wife. Sunday church comes, as I go to my ministries and she goes to her ministries, and our baby goes to the nursery. We meet for big church, and break! Luncheons, dinners, and brunches. Oh how they all sound so good....

The other view looks like I have to walk 2 km to go get water. Deal with a hundred degree weather with humidity. Live by myself with a candle stick and a can of tuna. Be happy to be reaching out the community. Trying to learn a new hobby. Instead of a project in the garage, I have a project in the main town center. I have to work hard and try to remain humane, and be normal and level headed. I'd be missing people a LOT, but I'll be making friends who can barely speak english. I have to adjust with new accents and new dialects. Love to see the smile of a small littler barrio somewhere secluded and be able to see life back in people. Life given to us by God, and only Him can take it away.

There's other views including my father, my grandma, lots of dogs, a yuppie life in the south bay, another business offer, a fine life elsewhere.... Lost train of thought... Fail.. Still be publish. lol

Beat of My Heart

Bartender! I need a drink. A strong one! Something that would calm me down. There can be something on the top shelf that will make me feel better. Just pour me a good one and let make take it in one big shot....

Of course that's not the case here. Today was one of those days that I would normally would just want to kick it back, drink, and suffer. After a long boring day at work, I get to deal with friends who aren't in particularly behaving well. In the book of James, chapter 3 verse 1-14 (I think...) It talks about us humans having an untamed tongue, yet we still need to try and make the most out of the power of words that comes out of us or the words that we keep inside of us. I feel like this past half week, I've been just attacked by the devil.

My patience is really tested. Jealousy begins to creep inside of me and I wanted things to be different. I wanted people to be more of who they are in God, and not else where. I wanted what this world is offering and I'm not getting much response from my Father in heaven. Do I have to go on my knees again because that's what I'm feeling right now. I just feel very lonely and sad. I have friends that say that they care, but the way they treat others is unacceptable for me. Then how can they be my friends?

As the day went by I've gotten more annoyed and frustrated. I almost gotten to a point of explosion and doing something stupid. I wanted trouble. I wanted a spark from the outside world to just get me going. I'm thankful that I had this experience of controlling my anger and my honest frustration.

Surprisingly, the person that I wasn't expecting to be there for me tonight showed up and he was actually very nice. Not to be extreme, but he was attentive and was a great brother. I needed that. I probably would have lost it and may have gotten a drink. I've been clean for almost three months. I feel pretty good about it. I don't need alcohol, really. It's not a necessity for me anymore. I'm comfortable for people to drink around me, I just personally don't need it.

I just never understood people today. Irrationality, rudeness, insincerity, dishonesty, unnecessary comments, and just discouraging remarks were everywhere today. Coming from close friends and to even non close friends. A day like this wants me to go back to my own self. I'm surrounded with Christian folks who has a heart, but often times gives me trouble for fun. It may be perhaps fun to them, but I am the one suffering inside here. I can't handle it all sometimes. And there's not a single person in my circle of friends who understands how I feel. I'm in the middle of this chaos. Just withstanding everything. Great!

There shouldn't be any issues or problems unless we don't think so. However, everyone around me is noticing things that I should just be oblivious to. I care too much and it has been killing me. I need to be saved in this district. I love God, and I believe in Jesus. He told me to make disciples of men. And I am... I know it's not easy, but I am also just human. I need others t step up and be in the middle with me. I don't like picking sides. I am annoyed by that. I like pretty much everyone, and that's also a problem. Take me in Lord....

I'm giving God my all. Everything.... my feelings, my emotions, my body, and my heart. I can't have someone else put a beat in my heart. You God made me;therefore, has put a beat in my heart. I can't be fooled by a woman's charm, a piece of cake, a camping trip, friends dating who knows, etc. I pray tonight and this weekend that I can just focus on my creator. Everything is going to be okay. I'm happy to see others happy, but that's never the case and I really need to realize this. I am falling behind making others happy, rather than focusing on my happiness. aaaaaagh....

I could punch a whole on the wall and feel nothing. I should sleep it off.... tomorrow's a new day and I should not have any expectations. It will be fine. I will just hand it to you God. I'll be myself and be who you made me to be. Which is awesome. Done.

Absolute

Quiet but I'm sure that there's something here.

There is....

Certainly can be here...