Deer Crossing

I'm confused. I don't exactly know what I did wrong. I know I may have caused something to pinch a nerve or two, but to make a sudden decision to end something special.. It was like a surprise deer crossing the street as I'm driving 45mph on a cloudy evening and bam! Where did that come from? I don't even know where to begin to think about it. I care about this drive. God was driving this vehicle. Perhaps I've been a little bit of a back seat driver and the companion along side of me had enough of it? I don't know. It seems like I got a little obnoxious. I was really enjoying the drive. And I know it's never going to be smooth, but just like that.. She ends it over gchat with no hesitation, no emotion, no consideration...
I honestly don't know what to think right now. I've been asking the driver (Jesus), all these questions. What just happened? How am I so broken about it? I trust that You'll lead me somewhere, but where to? I love you Lord, you are on the driver seat in my vehicle. Did my companion just decided she wants out? I know that my God is the driver of her automobile as well, but did she not want to go on this adventure with me anymore? Is she changing her route, and her journey? I think I'm lost. I know that my road's been an uphill drive, and a bumpy one as well. The weather often changes as well and it really is a staggering drive, but I believe it's going to be well. God's driving, I'm listening to what He tells me. I felt good about having someone to go through this journey and then she just decided to end it? What? Now what?
It hasn't been easy. It's only been less than 48 hours. I'm still trying to be positive about this. I know that God's on our side. She's happy. I'm happy. I'll respect that. I just hit a deer. There she goes ~toodles.. I'm trying to understand. Maybe I don't need to understand. I care too much. She's too precious. She's like the cheese to my macaroni. She's like the lemon to my water. She's the jelly and I was the peanut butter. God was the whole grain wheat bread that was keeping us together. I was snarky... I was snotty? I am who I am, and nothing good came out of that... I'm learning here... The books and journals didn't help me at all. Experiencing a real deer crossing out of no where got me in this dump of phlegm and sore throat. God, you're good. I know you are! You are boiling me, the macaroni, in hot water and there's no cheese waiting anymore. You are cooling me in the refrigerator as water, and there's no lemon to flavor me. A peanut butter sandwich is still amazing, but pbj just taste so much better. Maybe I have to become the best peanut butter? Maybe I have to swell more as a macaroni? Maybe I have to be chilled first to have some lemon zest? Honesty? I'm not OK... I know I'm stubborn. God, you're still driving, but I'm not ready to lose this one yet. I'll just keep bugging you about it, and I know that you're okay about that because you are my father in heaven and I'm your stubborn son. I'm always going to try and take the wheel, and you always win. You win God. Your love for me, for her, and for everyone else. Even if I don't win her, I know that I'm in you and that I will see her in heaven and there will be no more deers and no more bumpy roads. Stampede! We don't even need a car in heaven. Because I won't need anything else.
Assessing this madness, I have not been stable. My health has been at a funk. High blood pressure at it's finest. My work performance has been slow and poor. Dishes hasn't been washed. Sleep has not come easy. I've been trying to be busy and jolly. It seems to be working, except at the end of the day when I pray it goes the other way and God tells me to focus on the bigger prize. And I keep making excuses... She's beautiful, she's pretty, she makes me smile, she makes ministry whimsy, she pushes me to become a better man of God, she's my biggest advocate, she's ambitious, she's got humor, she loves kids, she understands me, she's a good listener, she's a planner, she wants to know me, she cares, she's generous & thoughtful, she's sweet & she likes sweets, she's mature with a bit of childish, she's a visionary, she's a dreamer and a trader, she's a wonderful daughter to her parents, she's a good influence to her friends, she loves fitness, she craves growth in Christ, and she loves our Lord a lot... I don't know. I'm not wise enough to figure what's next. I read almost a whole book by Joyce Meyer in a week, and I still don't know. There's definitely positivity in my way of thinking, but it just can't come from me. I can try, try, and try... and if she just keeps on yield, yield, stop... then that's that. I haven't really fully tried yet. The deer already came out before I begin to really change gears. I can't make any assumptions, guesses, or even over think this one. It came from her, over Gchat...She doesn't want to continue this journey. OK... A nice lovely in person conversation would be nice. A more direct thorough reasoning would be good. I don't want to keep defending myself. I'm always going to be guilty, I have faults. I have flaws. I don't have everything. I can keep going on what sappy thoughts I come up with, it's just "words" according to her... And it could mean nothing at all. I can keep writing and I will. Since I can't tell anyone else, I'll just write it on here. Whoever reads this can have an idea how much I care about this woman.
Christmas is just around the corner. I actually have a list or planned a gift for her. I don't know if it can wait, it won't be a waste. That's a whole different entry. On the bright side, I am still thankful for everything. Christmas parties, white elephants, dress up parties, Fooooood, good company, happy people, coooookies, presentssss, snow, skiii, Christmas movies, etc. I still get up every morning with a lot of head ache and stuff coming out of my nose and else where. I put on my jacket and drive to wherever work I'm doing and put on this pleasant face and be Merry. I say "merry christmas" to pretty much anybody I come around to. I love my tea and I cry every time I watch Marley & Me. I don't want to be really dramatic about it. I like her. I'm always going to be liking her. It's not the end of the road. She's not going to be with another man. She's not going to fall out off the boat. She's not going anywhere. Unless these things happen, then I'm still going to fight. I'm still going to be available. I'll step back as she has requested, but I won't be a stranger. I will still be the sweet and caring person that I am. I am a gentleman, and I know how to treat a lady well. I respect her, and when she keeps telling me to stop, I will. But I won't back down. I'll just stop from where I am, unless she tells me to go take a hike... I will, but you eventually hike somewhere and turn around. That deer maybe a small, big, medium deer. But I will try and repair the vehicle and see if the vehicle is still able. God is able. I'm just someone who doesn't back down that easily. It may sting a little bit now, but it's not the end of the journey.
Deer. Thanks for crossing. I wouldn't be writing about this if the deer didn't cross. Things happen for a reason. I don't know everything. I know that I have to take care of myself. I also know that things will be okay because God loves me. Can't really out do what happened to Job from holy bible. The weather will go through, the road will be smooth, the visibility will be clear, and the vehicle will be in tip top shape. God is able. Jesus is driving. I'm here for a ride, and whether I go alone or with someone then so be it. I'll be joyful-joyful either way. It's unspeakable, this joy knowing that I am in Christ. That I am second, and He is first. It's good to remember that a child was born to save us all. That's the bigger picture. Amen.

Mid December

I woke up this morning. I am alone. The dog urinated on my carpet floor, and of course it smelled horrible. Perhaps it’s my own fault, I didn’t walk her out when she wanted too. I wanted to scold her, but when I do she discharges more urine on the carpet out of fear of being in trouble. It takes about a quarter of paper towels to try and absorb all of that micturition on the carpet. So I put her in time-out outside.

I’m writing on this word document since the internet is down. The day has been good. The rain has finally stopped. I was out running on the streets in the rain last night. It was dumb, but I needed a work out. My body was cold, but once the blood starts moving it felt good. Of course I couldn’t feel much, but to see my body smoking was quite terrific. I love being under a good cold rain. I didn’t get hypothermia, but I did get that scruffy sexy voice afterwards and a few sneezes after taking a hot bath.

Now where to begin... The past week has been a little out of control with Journey to Bethlehem going on, and all these preparations for the birthday of baby Jesus. Then also comes the end of the year/ holiday season spreadsheets, sermons, reports, projects, memos, gift lists, etc. It’s fun. I like it when a big wave of stress heads towards my way and that I can am able to do something about these things. I can’t wait for what’s next. Jingle bells are ringing, Santa’s coming! I think that once this week’s over, I’ll be more relax about things. The aftermath of all the preparation comes the parties, gatherings, events, etc. And even these could be stressful themselves. I try to be social enough to make an impact on people. I don’t care so much of what they think of me, or if they’re going to judge or critic me for being who I am. It’s okay. Let’s show them the love of Jesus. Joy oh joy!

Speaking of joy. I have been privileged enough to study the book of Job this past few weeks. Job has this unspeakable joy that is only found in the Lord Almighty. Also blessed with someone to go through this book with me. I like her. I like having God direct me on how I’m supposed to be listening and living my life. It’s not mine in the first place. There’s a few more days to go through Job, and just to read through Job’s story again has been so good timing wise. And to be studying it with somebody who’s wonderful to me has also been inspiring. It’s so good to see God working on other people. My desires of wanting more and having more and being more has transfigured to a more unselfish state.

Cold Months

The season is here. I'm living it right now. The air says it well. There may not be snow falling from the skies in my neighborhood, but the hot water still takes a while to flow through. It's cold. I wake up excited to face the day and I open the front door and there's a still sense of chills that runs through my bones. Perhaps I'm just getting old. I haven't really been that person who puts on layers and layers of clothing. I still won't do it. I just rock and suck it. It's cold.

Worry. Why do I do that a lot? I worry of what to wear because of the weather. I worry about those who are in places of poverty that doesn't have a blanket. I worry about what my boss would say if I do something efficient, but radical. I worry about how I'm going to be paying all my bills and be able to provide for my future family. I worry about the future. I worry about a girl. I worry about my family and friend's salvation. I just worry. In the book of Proverbs chapter 12 it says that "worry weigh's a person down". It does. I really shouldn't worry. I got a lecture from a friend of mine about it. She prayed for me. It dawned to me that really, God takes away my worries. I am bless to have people around me that encourages me and brings cheer to me. Even when I don't want to hear some of the things that I hear. That's probably because of my selfish desires. God takes it all. My worries, and my gladness. It's okay. I'm okay. I have Jesus. I long for Him, rather than longing for what the world tells me too. It's a struggle. It's cold, but my God is my blanket in times of worries.

I think Matthew 6 nailed it on the head. When Jesus was teaching His disciples about giving, prayer, fasting, and possessions. I'm not gifted in terms of giving. It's last on my spiritual gifts test. However, that doesn't mean that I don't give. In fact, I think I give too much to a certain point that I forget myself. Praying is key to why I'm still in a good state of mind. I am still learning so much on how to pray and what to pray for. I really value my time with God. I also don't want to come off selfish, but God knows the desires of my heart. I love praying. Whether when I'm driving, or when i'm on my knees by my bed crying to my God, or just praying for the simplest things. Praying is part of my daily routine. Fasting is something that I do often. Either by not watching tv, or not eating ice cream, to not driving. I should be fasting more, and I'm sure I will. This wheel's just going to keep rolling. Possessions. In a real world, I have plenty of stuff. I really don't like stuff, but this world keeps shoving it in my face. People seem to like stuff. Even Christian people do. I feel like I have to give someone something for them to just like me or have something fancy to be liked. Then I am reminded that I am always going to be loved by my father in heaven. Yes!

I tend to chase people and things rather than just challenge myself. I am guilty of chasing. I'd get possessive and clingy, act beggy and desperate, run around at their beck and call hoping to "win" their approval.Instead of begging. I'm learning to look for ways to get to know people more and things more. I'm done "kissing up" to people's point of view. I am confident with my views even if I'm a third culture kid. I tend to be cold sometimes, but certain people gets me to a point of compromise. There shouldn't be any more compromise when it comes to life and what the scripture says. A man of God, I am. My heart belongs to Jesus, and not to this world.

Respect. If things don't come my way, well then perhaps it's time to move on. I'm going to keep continuing building myself up. I won't be backing down on any obstacles that will hinder to what could be the best for me. These months may be cold, but it could also be as white as snow. I pray for what's best for me. And I pray that God will bring me what I need and not what I want. I will accept all the blessings and all the trials.

New Month, New Attitude

New Month! New Attitude!

Oh man... November was rough... Why does it seem like every November seems to be the coldest, darkest month of the year? Well lads, November's done. Time to decorate the house, warm up some tea, and bust out the Santa's and the deers. Everyday this month will be a celebration. Even after Christmas. I will be celebrating each day with prayer, devotions, greetings, deeds, and love. I'm done complicating things anymore. It's just going to be how it's going to be. And, if things don't go my way, then I'll go the other way. I'll just bounce around like a volleyball. There will be no more mourning and frustrations. I'm better than the sad stories and the pathetic thinking that I'm not good enough. I'm just going to own my faith, my being, my passion, and my likes. I like you... fine you don't like me. Too bad... I like this... I'll work hard to get it... oh well... I like that... I'll plan to aim it.... try again... Things of this world really consumed my life last month. My faultiness got a hold of me last month. I tried to learn and continue living from it. I'm always going to strive to be a better person.

Thanksgiving has passed, and Christmas is up next. I know I have a problem with these holidays which involve families and what not, I'm just going to have to deal with it and welcome it as it goes. It's not threatening to deal with people that you may not enjoy. It's okay. I need to learn to want to love them. They're people too. Suck it up and have a good attitude about it . Jesus is going to be born. Let's have a fiesta! It's time to sip some cider, eat cookies, and listen to some soothing Christmas music. Even if I end up being alone for Christmas & NYE. I will be okay. I have Iggy, and the Holy Spirit to chill with. Invitations will come along, I'll be praying about it and wisely pick my options. I am thankful for options. Everyday we have options. Everyday we make decisions and pick choices. Like I choose to write. Or I decided to watch tv over reading the unknown factor changes of structure of the nucleus may drive the differentiation of the cell. I choose to not not eat my french fries is a decision. I choose to take this route instead of the other. This month's going to be filled with surprises.

I'm even considering dating new frens this month. That is even an option. I'm done being closed off and busy. I will make time well spent with a lovely lady. I'm going to be better with making appointments and time management. And it's Christmas time, how can it be so hard to meet new people and say "hello". I thought I was talking to someone in the past months. Well perhaps I may be mistaken. That person seemed to be indifferent. Therefore, I shouldn't continue making that relationship work into something that is too complex for either of us. It became a one way street. And I'm always kept hanging. I'm not quite sure how long I should keep my hopes up. It's a real test of patience. I kept myself busy enough to not be drawn too much about it. It's okay. If you really like someone, then you'd make some sort of an effort to bring yourself closer to the other. I am trying really hard, and I tried ... she was perplexed and dissatisfied. I may have caused it. I am very sad to say that it's withering. It's a new month and I'm open for business. Everything's squared away. I love God, God loves me. I'm sure He's got something planned for me in terms of a woman. I'm going to continue growing as a man, and as a brother to all. Nothing sexier than a man of God who's on a mission to proclaim the gospel and be able to take on worldly things.

Back from the beginnings. Last month of the year! Let's do this baby!!! I will treasure every weekend, even though I might be working Saturdays. It's going to be a month full of activities and festivities. I'm excited to see what's ahead! I really don't want to deal of what happened in the past. I was vulnerable and weak. I feel strong and majestic even when things aren't going my way career wise. My identity is not with what I do everyday. It's how I deal with it everyday. I'm a grown man with some wisdom to discern what seems to be the best. And if not, then I will keep all the learnings and move on with life. It's not that complicated. Mine's not shallow either. It could be boring in some people's eyes, but I'm very content and semi-happy on how I live my life. I don't need to party, or to force myself to be cool. I'm just going to rock out with my tunes and get busy working on projects at work, home, and self. December is going to be nice to me. I have a feeling it's going to be a good one. Word's out, I'm out.

I am thankful for everything that this year have blessed me with. I am grateful for all the people that came into my life. I can't wait for my creative and vibrant side to shine even more this month. Oh my lanta! So many good times ahead. First I was overwhelmed, but then I'm just happy to be in a place where I know that there's always something to do. Boredom never comes to me because the simple things in life is what gets me hustling and flowing. I don't need no fancy things or a cool reputation. I'm just me. John Ram! Take me or leave me. I felt like I was left alone in the phew a lot last month. Maybe I brought that to myself, but that's that. I'm sick and tired of hearing people blaming each other. I'm going to attempt on worshiping God consistently daily and not let the devil get inside my head. I will be full of love, faith, hope, and the sense of reality that I am God's child. Therefore, I am suave. I don't need to look cool or kept well in front of people, or social media, or wherever. This is who I am. I love God, I love people.

I pray that this month will blossom to something beautiful. Amen!