Hi. I know there has been a hold on this blog. I seem to find the time to think and outline my thoughts, yet not get to them on here. It's almost over a month since I've written something on this thing. I keep doing that. I keep doing the wrong things. I keep working on the same things. I keep failing other people. I keep doubting at myself. Obviously it hasn't been a good month. Personally, the month's been good, it could just get better. Everything else can get better.
The self has stepped away for the month of April. In a sense of not making sense to make sense. At this stage of life, I think I kind of know what I want. I just have been struggling with the execution part. Therefore, I fail at life. Life is well if ya ask me. I have food, clothes, a roof, even a car, and a schedule. There's certainly other things that could make up the wellness of living, and that could be a bonus to my life. Most of the time, I feel like I don't deserve it. Sometimes I feel alone. Never did I get angry or mad at God for putting me in a position of uncertainty. Even though I didn't like what I've become the past 40 days or so, I'm constantly in prayer and repentance for my sins and for my shortness to be living for the God who made all.
The normal has vanished. The quietness and stillness of the ocean has gone tsunami. The works has creatively interesting and enticing to me lately. The people of the congregation has been more inviting and more welcoming. The family of myself hasn't been around much. The community, may I say, has been there for me as well. My peers are giving me lecture and telling me their lives and how magnificent they are. (Pardon me, if I tend to tell myself that I am John Ram the "magnificent") I wish God would give me peace. He has, and I am stubborn. I feel like the battle hasn't won on this earth. Jesus died and won the war on sin, I still have my missions to do on this earth. Let's see how that looks like.
The randomness of myself has gone viral. It's no illusion, no trick. The cerebrum may have been jumbled and rattled a lot lately. See, I like this girl. Just one. She's pretty. I'm a boy. I forgot to court. Impossible! Perhaps; however, it's not doing me any favors. I don't want any favors. I get crushed by my crush. I never thought where that came from. The Spirit is well. Broken, yes. I am. I'm not lost. If only she could read my mind. And God knows the desires of my heart and He definitely knows what's on my mind. Just rely that message to her. She has gone from human to power ranger. Its cold, yet I still am drawn to this person and still want to pursue and court. I know why. What I don't know is how..? The simple things in life should be simple. Maybe it's just in America. If I have to go catch 23 fishes before she gives me a smile, then I go to the waters for days to go fishing. Now, how would it look like if I decide to not fish. Well I get lost and hungry. And I was a little lost and hungry the past few weeks and days.
The confusion of this blog is meant to confuse you, whoever you are, reading. I'm not confuse. It's my life. I'm just shy, prideful, full of fear, and insecure. God loves me and created me to become unique and different. Yes, however, there are laws on this earth that are so created that makes me cringe. I don't want to follow the way of the world. I want to rule a kingdom that will be loving God and loving others. I know my role as a man. Am I hiding behind something? Yes. Everyone's hiding from something.
The moment when you wake up happy, and then you go to bed crying. Or vice versa. Completely possible to a one to one ratio. I have been having days of joys and sorrow. I really need God. And the devil's been good at taking over lately. From the business of life, to impressing others, to being selfish with my desires to please me first before God and others. Conviction strikes and I fall again the next day. The sadness is caused by low self esteem and missing a person who meant the whole glass of milk to the oreo. I poured out my heart and somewhat got things in rhythm. God has been in it to win it. Yet, there's still things that's stopping the fireworks to go off. I just look at the fireworks w/o having it to ignite it. I try igniting it and it won't just go off. I'm weak in that area. I worry too much. I think too much of the future. True story.
The time to end this for the month of April and say "it's gotta be May". Let's have a fresh start. Pay the bills, go serve, make brownies, watch movies and sports, and go have fun. I will do that. Whether it's just me or w/ bodies, it's just going to have to happen. Thank you for reading. :)
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