My heart hurts. Ever felt so far from what you want, yet its right there? You see it. You hear it... but I'll never make there. It's either moving away as I get close or moving aways even if I'm not trying. It teases you like it's there, but is it? I'm not sure. The sound gets louder. The view is clearer and wider. However, there's nothing there. The more you try and listen and talk, the more my heart hurts. Even though my senses feels good with it, my inside's all turning around. It wants to leave and not continue. I feel like a burned scrabble eggs.

I don't get it? Where is this going? Everything is suppose to have a reason and a purpose. I can't decipher the fact. There's a vision, but no hope. Fail. I'll pray about it. I'm sure I'll be okay. I'm not worried. But for now. I feel like pretty awful. Blah.........................................

I'm still holding on

There's something lingering in my brain as the fan blows wind at my face. Woke up super early to catch the morning surf. I set my alarm for 5, but I'm already awake anyways. I got a few hours of sleep and a really bizarre dream. I feel great, but also feel like something's missing. I haven't felt this way since I lost myself thru drugs, alcohol, sex, and skate & surf. I got hit in a critical level. It's not really a great feeling. Especially when everything else is slowing down. I need something to boost me up.

I'm sitting in front of the tv now, just waisting time until I get to go take my crappy surf board out for a good surf session. There's a feeling of lost and despair in me right now. From work, to family, and friends there's just sadness. I don't like complaining, but I'm not fighting a good fight. This "thing" in my head is winning right now. The only thing that's holding me from just literally doing something eratic is Jesus. I'm holding on tight. I've got a few friends left that's there for me through thick or thin. I've got my church and my groups and ministries that brings joy to my heart. I'm starting to plan my next steps on rejuvinating this soul of mine. Here's how it looks like.

• Get a dog or a pet... or something...
• Go all out in NY
• Plan to go to Vegas before the monht's end
• Back into surfing... (like I'm about to do now)
• Getting back into being more active again
• Stay away from crazy girls

There's always hope to anything. I know that God has a plan. He provides and he's always watching over those who loves him so. It's not the end of the world. Even though it feels like it. I can manage. I'm a warrior. I'm the king of my own temple. I'm a friend to all. I'm also a love to all creation. Perhaps human nature tramples over things, but I have to keep my head straight and my back straight. I'm going to be okay. I've felt this way before and I've done worse. I just need to hold on. Surround myself with good people and not fall into sin. It's just going to ride well like riding a surfboard. It's just gona happen. Its going to be shaky in the beginning. Once I get it back, I'm ready to ride. I'm excited about life because I believe in myself. Now who's ready to have fun?! Cause this guy does!!! Let's party!

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so distrubed within me? Put your hope in God for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." -Psalm 43:5

"No tea, No work"

That's right! I can't work w/o tea these days. I can't focus because there's really not much to focus on. My boss is depress and my work is beginning to feel that depression as well. I'm trying to optimize the business and make it function without any major spendature. The lab is set, but there's still a few pieces missing. I'm not sure if it's going to work. I'm praying about it, but it's just not meshing well with the whole picture. There's a lot going on, and there's just me and my sucking boss right now.
He's doing his part well. He's just not driven to expand and to explore different ways to grow. I'm getting a little annoyed that I'm not getting any much effort from the man that started everything. Something's going to change here soon. I'm praying about it.

It's the "-ber" month time. It's that time again... When you know that Christmas is coming and then a new year is born. I'm anxious. I was thinking about it today. When gmail wasn't working, I went out to get some ice cream today to cool out. The ice cream vendor was cool and told me that I look like a model. Thanks!? He was chill. I sat on a curb and watch cars pass by. I just realize that it's September. I decided to leave and go home early. Accidentall fell asleep and an hour later I wake up thinking that it's the end of the world. It was not a great dream. I don't even know what it was, but it put me in a bad state. I went to a feast afterwards and just enjoyed having people around. Time can go so fast. It's ridiculous. There's a lot in my head, and I wonder how much time I think about things- a lot. I really need to just relax and take things day by day. Love on God, and make him as the center of everything.
I'm okay if things aren't going my way. Even if a meteor hits me and kills me, I'm okay with that. I'm living happy and healthy. I'm thankful and I'm joyful. I couldn't ask for anything, but to see others happy. Tea is a good theraphy for my body. I don't go to work without any tea. It's like not eating anything before reading the bible. It's a good rule to live by.