Fallen February

There's a lot of things to write about. The past 4 weeks or so have been tough for me. I've been under attack, under pressure, undertaken by things. I guess I'm just living "under the sun" just like what Solomon said in Ecclesiastes. This world is messed up. I'm trying to stand still and be strong. I'm working everyday to become a better man and a better Christian. I'm only human. I get attacked. I get pressured. I also get taken back by "life". The sky can only be so clear and blue. As the clouds arrive, rain pours. I see myself in sin. I see myself unworthy. I see myself being attacked and being taken advantaged. It is tough to be living in this world sometimes. Aghhh...

A lot has been going through my head lately to a point that I just get watery eyes whenever I come home from work. Maybe the hobby of being so involve of knowing how men and women relate and build relationships with each other have put me in quilt. I love learning and putting what I learn into practice. I am a gentleman. I love the company of women. I love the comradery of men. I love teaching the youngens and getting wisdom from the ones that have lived it- the good life. Question: What is the good life? Answer: "Knowing and loving God" - St. Augustine. His conception of a good life is the life of contemplation and rational understanding. Love plays a central role with Augustine's ethical theology. I agree. What we need more than anything is the infinite satisfaction that comes from the loving God. When we fail to recognize this and seek complete satisfaction in finite things we are ultimately unhappy and our unhappiness may result in harming others. All that we perceive as evil, according to Augustine, is the product of disordered love. However, St. Augustine denies the existence of evil since all things are good and God creating everything and he said that it was good, then everything must be themselves good. Fail.

Oh there's evil! And it's everywhere. It's around the corner, by the coffee shop, when it rains, when you turn on your radio, when you start your car, even sometimes when you go to church. I felt like it's just been following me around. It knows me just as much as God knows me. Yes, I am faithful to my Lord and Savior. And I am on this journey and there's all these temptations and tests that I have to go through. It sucks. I'm not the only one though. I know that. By reading the word, and just sweating in prayer and crying for forgiveness to my Father God I sense nothing. All my emotions from my younger years to my adult life caught up to me and it just all came out at once. The family pain, the self pain, and the worldly pain all hit me like a massive tsunami. It wasn't a great feeling. I reached out to others and asked for prayer and comfort. God's good for giving me a tremendous support group. I wasn't myself and people saw that and they reached out to me and I opened up. I'm just very thankful. I seek guidance and I got it, kind of. I've been too hard on myself, and I came across this passage in the bible 2nd Corinthians 7:11 "See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter". Totally blew my mind off when I read this passage. I tried getting back in rhythm. I was a mess for a few days, but life goes on. And I know that it's not over. God's forgiving.

Moving on... After all my self beating. There's hope. It's going to take baby steps to move forward, and that's the only way to go. Let's be efficient. Me, myself, and everybody that's around me can do it. There's no point of bashing at each other. I'm slowly reevaluating my views and my visions. Instead of looking at the bad, I'm just going to focus on the good. I'm not saying that I'll be ignoring the negativity, but let's make it fun and interesting. I'm on this adventure, and I know that there's great things ahead of me as long as I live it accordingly. I'll stand out even if it cost me friends and family to fall out.

...... I lost my thoughts.