Not exactly sure what to think right now. After a splendid Sunday at church having an appetite to work on somethings; I'm just as lost as a sheep after all. That statement probably didn't made sense. I know that I'm found, but there's something inside of me that I just can't pull it out. A drive to the cliff overlooking the ocean made me stop and think about things. Now I just have scheduled a date to just tell it all to a good brother of mine everything about me. It's not a happy story. Every second kills me in the inside. Just typing this brings tears to my eyes. It's not just a "life", it's my Life. I know that I'm important, with a purpose. I'm not like everyone who has a story. I have a soap opera inside of me that goes beyond's someone's imagination. All I wanted was for everyone to be genuinely happy, and it's just sinking in that I'm actually very lonely.
A man asked me this morning if I have had a bad day because I always smile. I said, yes. Everyday is a bad day, but I got Jesus to back me up every freaking single day. Amen. Life is hard, and life is good. "...That He might humble you and test you, to do you good in the end"- Deuteronomy 8:16. Every second that I have on this earth is valuable to me. Perhaps its unnoticeable, but I really value my time. Even though the tide's always high, I'm still threading water. I believe that everything will work out for its own good. I just have to have to start trusting people. I have faith with God, but I do need people. Solomon says in his book Ecclesiastes that "if a man falls down, his friends can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him. 4:10." It is really-really hard for a man to go and admit things that happen to him without any control at a young age. It's like opening a can of rotten olives and eating it all and swallowing it and digesting it. Cause once you finish that can and have gone through the whole thing God cleans out your system and renews you. I'll face embarrassment. I'll face the consequences of the things that I had no control of, but it just happen to be that I have to go through it. I use to have a problem of self-pity growing up. If only I've learned what I am learning now 10 years ago. I wouldn't be in this bad of a position. I don't even know where to begin. I used to just want to be like everyone else, but this year's been just a blessing and an awakening. I don't think I want to be like everyone else anymore. Oh Lord, I just want to have you in me and give me the strength to go about my days and nights and my mid-days.
Endurance. I have to have to live. A literal rendering yields the phrase "staying under". Remaining. Persevering. Holding fast. Standing firm. It's what men do, and what men are. Just being reminded by this man named Job. I just want to have breakfast with this guy. To be able to emulate his being is a major challenge that I'm willing to take on. Bring it on! I think I'm ready to face the facts and face the future. My duties are simple, I'll stop making it simpler. "And my God will provide all your needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus"- Philippians 4:19. Going back to Job, he proved himself quite apart from decorations and tributes and trophies. Job sourced his masculinity and personhood in who he was, alone and naked before God. And that makes a man out of him. I want that sense of permanence. He was strong, stable, secure, consistent throughout. What you see is what you get. I feel like if Job was alive, I'd connect with him really well. He would understand why I'm living at home. He would understand, my motto: "why I say it, I do it". I am disgusted sometimes with my worldly desires that I don't need. I don't need a nice comforter and a luxurious life. Although, God did say that we're suppose to enjoy and treat ourselves for ice cream once in a while. I feel like I can't treat myself unless I treat my family first, my friends first, my church first, my community first, my peers first, and the homeless man with a sign by the freeway. O God... I am broken. It sucks. It's making a big bang. Why? And now it's bursting out my heart- my desire.
I'm seriously nothing without my faith. This world can take it all away, but I have something that no one can ever take away from me. It's on the inside. I stuck it out. I've done some growing up. People, events, evil schemes, disasters, catastrophes can take things away from me. Things on the outside. But no one can ever take away what's on the inside-- heart, soul, character. I'm not throwing those away, but no one can ever take them away from me. Maybe I've tried getting rid of my heart and my soul. I don't think I'll ever lose my character. I'm special and I know that. Just weird and awkward and why not. I like it, I like me.
I fail a lot. It's okay. I just have to get it all back together and start all over. I think I'll be okay. It's not going to be easy, but there's definitely hope. The more I read the more I get beaten down. It's a good beat down. Boot camp type of a beat down emotionally, mentally, and spiritually is good. It means that I'm growing. And as I grow I can be efficient by sharing and teaching what I'm learning. I'm hungry, and I want more. I get it, and I will share it. Oh man... It's boundless. I just have to have the patience. It's going to be a good life. I know it will be. I'm trying to dry tears away by staying positive. There's good on this earth. I've seen it. This is not a self booster blog entry. This is a beginnings of something amazing. Every day is a beginning of something amazing. Just by looking at the massive ball we call sun rising from the east gets me go "awww I'm tired... let's boogie". Life on this earth has already been called and brought to us by God. What else can I do but to worship, thank, adore, praise, please, serve, share, and love Him. Straight up John Ram style. Because I have a heart, soul, and character!!!
1...2...3... break! :)
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