On my knees again..

After a great high on God this weekend I am now on my knees just not even asking for anything. I don't even know why. I just feel like my chest is so heavy. Being away for the weekend was great, but coming back was really hard. The feelings are there. I'm just not good with words. I just feel like I'm carrying a lot on my shoulder and it's really getting in me. I can't even explain it right now because I'm really tired. I don't even want to use that word "tired". I shouldn't be. I don't even know where to begin. I love change, but as I get through life day by day I see myself just being discouraged by this world. It shouldn't affect me, but it kills me right now. Probably because I am stuck about going and not going to these trips. I want to go for the ride and joy of it. I don't want to go into these buildings of corporate aerobiology labs. I'm not going to pretend that I know it all. However, I have too because I'm trying to be on their good side, so that they'll invest on branching out in the South Bay. Annoying...

After a busted toe, a bloody lip, a wood splint being stuck unto my fingers, and a few mosquito bites, I am alive. Am I well? I am well in spirit. I just feel like there's so many things going on around me. I just need to shut down. Then I realize something.. I can't. I want to cry. I want to just run and sob. There's no one to cry to, but Jesus. That's pretty much all I have. I'd like to think that there's a community around me, but I just feel so unworthy. I don't really know why. I'd rather be the man that people seek to cry on, rather than to be that man that goes and cries to someone. And it's so hard for me to show emotions. I'm really not having fun typing right now. It hurts. I want to be strong. I want to be active. I want to lead. I want to be dependable. I want to be responsible. I'm really struggling on bringing myself up.

I'm a mystery to me. I'm in this quiet place now. Breathing heavily, as I just couldn't read anymore emails. There's a long list of unread mail, but I'll just do them tomorrow. I just read the ones that I thought are more Godly, rather than worldly. Things happen everyday, good and bad. I just feel like the sky is falling down on me right now. I was anticipating that after the retreat that I'd be rested and be a lot more focused. Instead, I come back to a flat tire. I come back to hear that someone's grandma is dying. I come back to hear that this baby that I've been praying for, for weeks just got rushed to the emergency room. And then I hear a couple that got married yesterday and the wife had stroke or some sort last night. To top off my come back, a discussion on church's politics on worship and prayer. I mean... really? I am trying my best to get myself through. Even though everything seems to be so all over the place. Ahhhh...

My heart's heavy. God's really working. I can feel it and it hurts. Is this how it's suppose to feel? I'm broken everyday by what I see and hear. It gets heavier as I pray. The mind just starts to become dark and negative. I try not to go into that path, but I guess I'm just emotional after withstanding this weekend's retreat. I had to hold it together for the Station. I taught scripture this morning and how Jesus the Son of God was still praying in his last hours of death. That's something that I want to feel. Right now. I want that. I want to be whipped, thorned, tortured, and just be terrible. I want the challenge. I'll take it. And as I'm getting it, I want to pray to the Lord above and just be strong. I'm trying really hard. It's not good to feel like being tortured or to wish that I was. I don't even know what I'm saying now... I need to sleep and deal with it tomorrow, then the next day.