15th

Hi

We're at the middle point of this project. I am lonely. Life's great, today started really well for me and then there was a moment this afternoon when I felt like my heart stopped for a good hour. I do not like weeping. Life's full of trials. I know this for a fact. I work hard to capture the flag just to know that the flag is not there. Story of my life: become uber passionate about something, and my passion would turn back to me and say you may no longer continue. It's frustrating. I have to be honest that I wasn't happy with God. I wasn't using Him to get what I want. My intentions was to do His commandments. My emotions got to me and won. The world has won me over, again. I am imperfect and with that comes a lot of sin. I have to stories: one good, and one bad. I'll start w/ the ache inside of me.

Honey. I love you. I love Jesus too. I want to share Jesus to you everyday. I want to share Jesus to everyone everyday, to you especially. I'm in a position right now where I want to get settled. I'm all over the place at the moment. There is truth to this. I have a lot going on and I'm to balance it. Key word there was "I". God's the center of all of these. Even when my heart feels like it shreds a layer each day. I'm still going to be loving on our God. I can only love people so much. And I must learn to respect them when they say "no" to an act of service. Which is a love language. It's the worse feeling to be so engaged in something so important to me and someone else would have more of an authority to veto something that doesn't even hurt or affect them in a negative way. It affects me more, perhaps because I let this world got to me and my desire for something overcame my desire for God. So as I'm writing this. I'm confined with that idea. I'm not keen on changing people. All I do is influence others in a way in which Jesus' influence me. However, I am only human. I can be stubborn and arrogant. I'm persistent and pushy sometimes. I'm not acting in violence or in hatred. I just become very sad and aggravated when the red light come on and perhaps it was too late for me to hit the breaks and my front tires pass the white line and I get a ticket that cost more than the grammy's production and I have to finish 29990 hours of traffic school. Life's never fair, and I know that. I love you, and I am just thankful daily that you're here for me.

To the good portion of my day. I read and meditated this morning by the beach on a cloudy day. The picture above was taken by my friend who was there while I was. I was waiting to meet someone special today and spend some good quality time catching up. Just had an amazing time watching God move the ocean and the clouds, not to mention the beauty inside and out of my friend. Things were great. I woke up early, worked for a bit, and got some great conversations that only happens in rare occasions. I'm learning every minute of my life. My brain needs to stop thinking, and my heart needs to stop loving the idea of loving. I am weird, and I know this. I'm okay with that. I know that you're okay with that.

Thanks for listening, John